Housework, children, arguments, help?

[DeathToCovid]

Hi all I’m looking for some opinions on my situation before a family meeting later. Might be a bit long.

Current situation is my DP of 2 years moved in in summer, end of August. I have 3 DC, 18,13,12. My eldest daughter of 18 has a boyfriend slightly older and he isn’t from the UK he’s from the EU but has settled status here now, when his live-in job ended in October, I allowed him to move in as he had nowhere and nobody here to go to, so I felt like I owed it to them to help out as I have the room here.

I acknowledged that he wouldn’t be able to contribute until he found a job, again, I’m quite a helpful and nice person so I allowed it.

My eldest currently does her college course from home a couple of days a week (covid) and works in Waitrose part time. Her boyfriend now has an intermittent job - no solid work hours or income.

The issue is, neither of them contribute financially, and I’ve been ok with that - however, neither of them do ANY housework, like, nothing at all. I ask my daughter all the time to clean the bathrooms, hoover, take the bin bag out etc, but she feels because she does college and works that she shouldn’t have to do anything. They do wash up after their meals and tidy their room, but that’s it, nothing else. Am I being unreasonable in thinking they should at least be doing SOMETHING?

They think because I don’t work (disabled daughter, no family help) I should be doing everything.

This morning an argument ensued, my partner and I now split the bills and rent ( he was out of work for a couple of months thanks to covid but now has a job ) and last night my eldest took the full bag out of the bin, tied it up and left it in the kitchen, my DP then asked her to take it out, she didn’t, so he said look if it’s not taken out I’ll switch off the internet, this morning it was still in the kitchen so he switched off the internet. She got annoyed, and an argument about their lack of anything happened. Now I must stress here I am a VERY quiet non confrontational person, my DP however will always speak up when he sees what he perceives as an injustice, she wouldn’t get why the internet was turned off and then she accused my DP of being abusive, because she was shouting over him and he raised his voice over her, she called him an arsehole and he told her to stop being a bitch. Her boyfriend got involved and said my DP was being unreasonable and controlling as I wasn’t sticking up for DP and he was asking me to, as confrontation makes me feel sick and anxious ( I need to work on this) due to previous abusive relationship.

Anyway, can people please help me out with this, please tell me if my DP and I are being unreasonable, over the top arseholes? Am I being a bad parent here? Do I need to leave my DP? How can I sort this out?

You need to get your daughter to step up and kick her boyfriend out. Stern words with your DP over his language and tell him he is on a warning.

Sounds like they just need to move out really.
Set some house rules for respect and chores, if the don’t agree or are not taking notice. Give them a month to find somewhere else to live. The bf has no right to live there he can start looking now.

Is it worth setting down thoughts on paper for your daughter - less confrontational.
I think you need to try to explain to your daughter that her boyfriend and she are treating you like a hotel, whereas it is a family home, where all should help out, and which your partner is now financially and physically contributing to and thus supporting her and her boyfriend.
It sounds like your DP actually was being protective of you, it is very easy to get cross and insult someone when being protective of someone you care for and who you know was treated very badly in the past and is currently being ill used by daughter and boyfriend due to their laziness and complete disrespect for you.
The fact your younger two like him is crucial.
Yes, you do feel guilt towards your daughter because of your early partner and the DV, but this doesn’t mean she and her boyfriend should be allowed to behave in this way. If you want the best for her, if you want her to grow up and be an independent woman who understands healthy, respectful relationships, you need to make changes. You need to be strong.
How can your DD feel respectful of her boyfriend, a man who is earning some money, maybe more than you think, (or maybe capable of earning more if he tried harder to look for it), and who is living rent free in her mother’s house and not doing anything to help or being appreciative. The current set up is enabling this poor behaviour.

It is good your DP has your back.

You need to run your own household and your DP needs to back off. No way should he be disciplining your children. If he has an issue with anything you're doing he should raise it with you, constructively and in private, not step in and take over from you.

My thoughts too. I'd certainly be telling him it can't ever happen again, but given the situation I don't think a one off if he's been otherwise great means you need to LTB. He needs to apologise for his words, but so does she.

Your DD needs boundaries and there need to be clear expectations on what each person in the household needs to contribute. Whether it's monetary or chores or both, everyone in your household is old enough to contribute in a reasonable way given their respective ages.

DDs BF in the biggest CF here. He can either do a significant amount of house work or he can leave. At that age if my OHs parents took me in like that I'd be doing everything I could to show them my gratitude, not treating the house like a hotel. And not expecting the woman who gave me a roof over my head to clean and cook for me.

Was trying to quote Purple Passionflower above.

Who suggested the meeting? And is everyone on board with it?

If your natural response is ‘peace maker’ (not pushover!) I’d start with that.

“Look, we’re all bored and frustrated. This year has been really hard, we’re forced to spend a lot of time together and it is difficult for everyone. How can we make it better?”

Ideally, you need dd and her boyfriend to come to the realisation themselves that they’re not pulling their weight, and for them to make suggestions about what they could do, but if they don’t, could some jobs (bathrooms, bins, vacuuming?) always be their job so you don’t need to ask them to do it? Meals / washing up could be a rota (include the younger dc too). I’d also try to arrange one night a week where DD and her BF are expected to ‘babysit’. Even if you and your OH just go for a walk around the block together once a week, it might feel lovely.

The problem is if DD kicks back, but really, what is her argument? “I live here but shouldn’t do anything because...?” You can just repeat “darling, you live here as part of this family so you need to contribute to the family”

Right he goes. No one would call my child names. She and her boyfriend pay some rent and do chores. Or the boyfriend moves our. He is not your responsibility.

It is so hard with kids though. Getting mine to do anything is horrendous.

I think part of the problem is that DP also moved in without paying rent or bills. So essentially nobody was paying.

If you don't work then presumably you get benefits. Maybe DD sees this as the state paying so she's not technically taking money that you've earned.

Where is the father of the two youngest, does he help out? I can't think a 12/13 year old would need babysitting by a man who is presumably around 20?

If you start getting rent from DP and then also DD and her boyfriend then won't you have to declare it?

I think it's time for DD to move out or help out. It's not reasonable to expect you to do and pay for everything for her and her boyfriend. Again your benefits are calculated for you & the two youngest and eldest DD is expecting you to fund another grown man.

There are 2 separate issues here.
The first is that your daughter and her boyfriend are not pulling their weight around the house. She is 18 and an adult. She should be contributing.
The second is that your DP took it upon himself to punish her and called her a bitch. That's not ok, although I can understand why he was frustrated.

I think you should use the family meeting to set 2 ground rules:

1. No one is to call each other derogatory names.
2. Everyone is to contribute to the household, and you will be drawing up a rota accordingly.

I don't think you are choosing your dp over her. There's two issues here

Your children need to contribute towards the family. Your eldest and her bf need to contribute financially and with housework. Your younger two need to contribute towards housework. Set up a rota that outlines responsibilities inc tidy, washing, housework and cooking

Secondly your dd and dh need to stop verbally insulting each other. Your dd and her bf are now old enough to understand this, and have the same responsibility towards being civil to your dp as your dp has to her. I'd spell out that that kind of behaviour isn't acceptable and if it happens again they will all be out on their ear

I can't think a 12/13 year old would need babysitting by a man who is presumably around 20?
OP is the carer for one of these two, who is disabled (which also means that when OP says she doesn't work, she means she doesn't work outside the home, not that she is unemployed). Presumably the disabled child needs someone around.

The primary issue is your passivity. You should have turned off the internet but you didn’t. You should have laid down the ground rules for both your DD and her bf but you didn’t. Instead, you’re letting your bf do the talking and letting him take the fall.

Write down your household chore and financial expectations of your DD and her bf and once you have come to an agreement (including the consequences of not following through), get them to sign it.

You partner should not have called your daughter a bitch but your lack of action contributed to the situation where he did. If you continue to choose to avoid confrontation then don’t expect the relationship dynamics within the household to be healthy.

Being ‘nice’ and having strong boundaries aren’t mutually exclusive. It sounds like you should have done some work on yourself before inviting two men into your home and into the relationship dynamic between you and your daughter. Parenting by guilt benefits no one, least the person you’re supposedly protecting.

At a certain age I gave my children a choice between being lodgers or being family members :) The "lodger" option included paying for services; the "family member" option meant having to do family chores, but was free of charge.

@ravenmum

At a certain age I gave my children a choice between being lodgers or being family members :) The "lodger" option included paying for services; the "family member" option meant having to do family chores, but was free of charge.

What did they choose?

raven

OP is the carer for one of these two, who is disabled (which also means that when OP says she doesn't work, she means she doesn't work outside the home, not that she is unemployed

No I do realise that she will be busy. However I would imagine benefits pays her living costs. I'm not saying this is wrong.

Will having rent payments from both DP and possibly DD and her BF affect what she is entitled to? With 3 working adults in the household they would surely be expected to contribute. Then benefits would have to be adjusted. Is it worth OP losing benefits?

Also I wouldn't expect or want the BF to offer babysitting to a teen girl whether or not she is disabled. It's a different issue to non payment of food/rent and not doing chores. He should absolutely be expected to help with that.

@Hagotcha80 They saw through my ploy and stepped up without actually choosing either as they didn't want to openly admit they'd been unreasonable

How are you op x

Hi op how did meeting go x

Please stop wanting strange men in your house (DD's boyfriend) to babysit your children.

And please stop allowing your teenage daughter to be called misogynistic profanities in your presence. You have just given him license to do more in the future, and you teaching everyone in the house that this is okay. Her poor language is a separate issue to be dealt with, she is still a young woman, your partner needs to know better.

I think you might find need parenting classes helpful, this does not mean you do not know how to do it, it simply means you want to become even better. Considering the family history of abuse, this is not unreasonable.
I would also order some books online on the subject, we are not born learnt.

The problem is that you want to make changes to the dynamics they have got used to which matches him coming into their lives so of course they will associate these as coming from him.

I don't fi d it shocking that they would stick to what they do in the house whilst studying and working whilst you're at home not working. It would be great if they did more, but it's not outreagous as you oh is making it out to be. I also don't think forgetting to take the rubbish bin out warrants turning off the internet.

The problem is you are getting him to pay half of everything so in essence your children, which rightly gives him aright of say in the family.

Your daughter is an adult. I had a child at her age and lived with my DP in a flat. Personally I’d be telling her boyfriend to move out and put some rules down. My younger sister still lives at home with my mum and dad with her boyfriend, they pay their way and both help with housework.

In regards to your DP, I certainly wouldn’t split up over this. Tell him to choose his words carefully next time but she is an adult who can’t go around calling other adults names because she was asked to do a simple task and ignored it.

I also think it’s unfair to expect him to pay half of everything (that contributes to keeping your DD and her boyfriend) and they don’t have to pay a penny.

Explain this to her.

Your dd and bf are totally taking the piss. He sounds so rude and entitled.

Sounds like your bf is fed up with their behaviour and how your dd treats you, and shouted at her? Understandable.

I would want my dd - in fact, everyone living in the house who's old enough -to help with chores, keeping their own rooms tidy, cleaning their own bathroom, cooking once a week, etc. And your dd and her bf should definitely be paying rent. If they don't want to, ask them to leave. They'll soon find out that the magic money tree doesn't exist...