Housework, children, arguments, help?

[DeathToCovid]

Hi all I’m looking for some opinions on my situation before a family meeting later. Might be a bit long.

Current situation is my DP of 2 years moved in in summer, end of August. I have 3 DC, 18,13,12. My eldest daughter of 18 has a boyfriend slightly older and he isn’t from the UK he’s from the EU but has settled status here now, when his live-in job ended in October, I allowed him to move in as he had nowhere and nobody here to go to, so I felt like I owed it to them to help out as I have the room here.

I acknowledged that he wouldn’t be able to contribute until he found a job, again, I’m quite a helpful and nice person so I allowed it.

My eldest currently does her college course from home a couple of days a week (covid) and works in Waitrose part time. Her boyfriend now has an intermittent job - no solid work hours or income.

The issue is, neither of them contribute financially, and I’ve been ok with that - however, neither of them do ANY housework, like, nothing at all. I ask my daughter all the time to clean the bathrooms, hoover, take the bin bag out etc, but she feels because she does college and works that she shouldn’t have to do anything. They do wash up after their meals and tidy their room, but that’s it, nothing else. Am I being unreasonable in thinking they should at least be doing SOMETHING?

They think because I don’t work (disabled daughter, no family help) I should be doing everything.

This morning an argument ensued, my partner and I now split the bills and rent ( he was out of work for a couple of months thanks to covid but now has a job ) and last night my eldest took the full bag out of the bin, tied it up and left it in the kitchen, my DP then asked her to take it out, she didn’t, so he said look if it’s not taken out I’ll switch off the internet, this morning it was still in the kitchen so he switched off the internet. She got annoyed, and an argument about their lack of anything happened. Now I must stress here I am a VERY quiet non confrontational person, my DP however will always speak up when he sees what he perceives as an injustice, she wouldn’t get why the internet was turned off and then she accused my DP of being abusive, because she was shouting over him and he raised his voice over her, she called him an arsehole and he told her to stop being a bitch. Her boyfriend got involved and said my DP was being unreasonable and controlling as I wasn’t sticking up for DP and he was asking me to, as confrontation makes me feel sick and anxious ( I need to work on this) due to previous abusive relationship.

Anyway, can people please help me out with this, please tell me if my DP and I are being unreasonable, over the top arseholes? Am I being a bad parent here? Do I need to leave my DP? How can I sort this out?

Your DD and her BF are taking the piss. If you are happy with them not contributing financially that's your call but at that age they should probably be happy to help a little around the home in exchange for free living!
Your DP was in the wrong to call her a bitch, she shouldn't have called him an arsehole for turning the Internet off, so I would expect apologies all round to be honest.

Hope you get it sorted out OP. Don't dump him for this offence alone!

I agree with WunWun. By ending your relationship with DP would be an overreaction. Your dc is being a spoilt brat and needs a harsh dose of reality. When i was in college i had to pay rent and bills myself as well as holding down a job. A job I had to get up at 5am for a 8am start when i had’t the money for the bus to the train. I had an 1hr and 1/2 walk to the train and it took 50 mins on the train to get there. I did’t have anyone i could get money from. Your dc has it very easy. I’d be telling her she lives there rent free with no bills or food to pay for and if she dos’nt pull her weight she will have to move out. As for that bf of hers id be telling him to never dare get involved in family arguments again. Plus he needs to contribute to house work and contribute financially or hes out to. Let your DP support you on this one he seems like a good sort.

You can't just do whatever strangers on the internet tell you

I'm shocked you'd consider ending a relationship you say you're happy in and don't want to leave just because you read someone's opinion online? What's really going on here?

Don’t be influenced by others. I really just think you need to take the reins and not sit back and let everyone else do the rule making.
Set some rules and boundaries for yourself. Your children learn from how they see you treat yourself. I’d sit and think a what it is you want and who you want in your house.

I definitely do not want to end my relationship, he’s really good to me and my DC, makes me very happy. But I am very hyper aware of my eldest feeling like I’m choosing a man over her, I’d never do that. Never. And sometimes it’s hard to see the right thing to do from the inside which is why I made this post. I WANT to do the right thing. And no he’s never done anything before and I don’t think he would ever tbh not in an abusive nasty way.

I think he’s just seen the audacity of them two living here rent free, not lifting a finger etc and got a little annoyed for me, that everything is down to me (he does 12 hour shifts now). I know everything he does is for me, none of it is a nasty thing if that makes sense

Your daughter is in her family home, and her mum's brand new boyfriend, who's just moved in, is telling her what to do, punishing her when she doesn't obey by turning off her internet, shouting at her and calling her a bitch.

Your dd should be pulling her weight with chores, but this particular incident was all about your new boyfriend lording it over your daughter in her own home. She's probably already feeling a bit jealous and insecure with this newcomer getting your attention. I can't say I honestly blame her for not following his orders.

Thing is, your DD was in fact being a bitch. Therefore your DP was not wrong. Your DP may or may not have been an arsehole for turning off the Internet, but you said he works, he pays bills; he's got more say over the WiFi than she has.

Also, your DD is probably acting all Charlie Big-Potatoes because she's got her BF backing her up (and possibly egging her on). Everyone here needs to grow up a bit- including you, I'm afraid.

Put your foot down on house rules. Everyone does jobs, all earners contribute financially, and everyone is respectful to each other. There are too many of you in that house for permanent conflict. You as mum need to lay down the law. When there are firm boundaries, there is less conflict because everyone knows where they stand.

So you are out of pocket paying for Dds boyfriends' food, laundry, elec, etc.
I would tell him, as she is doing course work, he is laying about doing very little.He can do some jobs in lieu of rent, until he gets a full time job, at which point you will cease to be a free hotel. then he be finding alternative accommodation.This starting from today. Helping cook, washing up, sweeping floor, laundry, bins... You decide.
Dd can wash up too/laundry/bathrooms/hoover, she isn't doing course work all day. She wants to be treated as an adult with a live in boyfriend, then she needs to behave like one (refusing to put out the rubbish is so childish, it's proof that she is taking the piss)
Your BF was wrong to swear at her, but he is paying his way, indeed paying for part of HER comfort, which is more than she does.
Life would be a lot more pleasant if she wasn't behaving like a spoilt Madame, when she moves out you won't be running around clearing up her shit, so she needs to start learning. & throwing up the DV is basically manipulating you. if she isn't happy she can indeed live elsewhere.

@DeathToCovid

I definitely do not want to end my relationship, he’s really good to me and my DC, makes me very happy. But I am very hyper aware of my eldest feeling like I’m choosing a man over her, I’d never do that. Never. And sometimes it’s hard to see the right thing to do from the inside which is why I made this post. I WANT to do the right thing. And no he’s never done anything before and I don’t think he would ever tbh not in an abusive nasty way.

I think he’s just seen the audacity of them two living here rent free, not lifting a finger etc and got a little annoyed for me, that everything is down to me (he does 12 hour shifts now). I know everything he does is for me, none of it is a nasty thing if that makes sense

He lived there rent free, did he not?

You said he moved in because he was made redundant.

When did he move in?

* my partner and I now split the bills and rent ( he was out of work for a couple of months thanks to covid but now has a job )*

So a man you’d been in a relationship with for a very short period of time (if you’ve now been with him in total 2 years) you allowed to move in with you pre teen and early teen children and not pay any rent.

You’ve set a precedent

I think you need to have your house meeting first, before contemplating any decisions.

Award them all 'taking the piss' points while it's underway, in your head. How many excuses are there? Fault finding with others? Blaming and recriminations? Does anyone (of the adults) ever take responsibility for anything, or are you left to deal with all the shit, including the fall-out from arguments?

What does your happy peaceful life look like? Is it this house, with these people?

If I had to chuck someone out of the balloon, it's be the DD's boyfriend first tbh. You did him a nice favour. Now it's time to move on from it - the dynamic is no longer positive.

Is name-calling normal in your household, btw? It isn't in mine, but I have friends for whom it is.

Oh come on

“A family meeting”

This is not a family where a meeting is going to either happen or in any way be helpful.

A great deal of work needs to be done on this family before any kind of “family” meeting.

@DeathToCovid

We did ask the DC if they were ok with it or not and they said they were, I think the issue is that I’m a walkover with them for sure, and I need to get more tough and strict with them. My 13yr old really likes my DP and would be sad to see him leave, my 12yr old likes him too except when she’s on a phone ban then she hates us all for an hour, normal for a pre teen though?

Everyone is sitting down tonight to talk about it but the general thought seems to be to break up with DP? So it may be worth me holding off the chat until he’s left?

As he's the only one who's got your back, I'm not sure why he has to leave.

It's your DD's boyfriend who's the biggest piss-taker, followed by your DD. A decent bloke would be so appreciative of what you'd done for him, he'd be bending over backwards to be helpful. Ditto your DD.
Point out what they'd have to be paying/doing if they were in their own place.

And your not choosing a man over your daughter - anymore than she's choosing a man over you...think about that.

Only on MN would they focus on the man calling her a bitch

OP, your daughter is BU, as is her partner.

Your partner was well within his right to react

Of course your DP shouldn’t have said that. But I think it’s too drastic a step to split up with him over this if he is not normally like that at all and hasn’t said or done anything abusive to you or your DC’s before. He needs to sincerely apologise and leave the disciplining to you in future.
It would be a shame for you to lose this relationship, you deserve some happiness too.

It seems like the house is a pressure cooker at the moment. The family meeting is a good idea because things need to change. The DC’s are old enough to be helping with housework. It should not all be left to you and your DP.

Your eldest and her BF are CF’s and you need to stop letting them off the hook. They should be helping with housework, doing their own washing, etc at the very least. Plus pay a nominal fee towards the bills so they learn it’s not a hotel and maybe save this up for them for when they move out.

You're daughter is taking the pics and you are allowing it. Her boyfriend needs to go. Now.

Of course your daughter and her boyfriend should contribute.

But why are you letting a man who moved in a mere 5 months ago call the shots with your children. It's absolutely none of his business.

I wouldn’t split up with him over this one inciden. He only called her a bitch cos she started calling him an arse hole, then her boyfriend starts on him aswell. It would be different if this was a child involved here but she’s not a child. What also needs remembering is your partner is working for a living and contributing whilst your daughter and her fella live there for nothing. You need to take control here and set down some ground rules about them pulling their weight. Asking her to take the rubbish out when she doesn’t do anything else is not unreasonable.

Sorry OP but you've enabled your daughter to grow up spoilt, selfish and entitled and it's coming back to bite you. She doesn't treat you with any respect and has started replicating that behaviour with others. Your boyfriend shouldn't have called her that (and if I were you I would make very clear to him separately that he must never repeat that) but he sounds understandably completely at the end of his tether with her. I would imagine unless he's a pushover himself, he will be moving out in time.

You need to grow a backbone and set rules and boundaries in your own house instead of letting others rule the roost. If the DD boyfriend doesn't want to do chores like a normal adult then you need to tell him to move out, no ifs or buts.

You're also allowing this DD boyfriend to abuse financially and your DD to walk all over you. Even though you're a grown woman who's much older than them and it is your house. This level of timidity and submissiveness isn't normal - you need to seek therapy.

Your bf is trying to set some boundaries because you won't. Does your tenancy agreement allow you to move people in like this? I know mine doesn't. So now might be a good time to sit down and look at how the home and finances are organised. Put some rules and expectations in place now. I can imagine that the tension and atmosphere in your home is quite uncomfortable right now. It's all a bit of a mess but can be resolved if all parties are willing to compromise. I certainly don't think you should leave your dp but he may well want to leave at some point when he sees you letting everyone get away with everything.

The problem is that you don't want confrontation.
And you feel guilt over something that happened years ago with your eldest DD's upbringing.

You are the problem. So if you actually want to change things, which I don't think you do because it would mean some confrontation, You have to toughen up.

I think you have to suck up the situation you are in as it is your choice.

Once restrictions are lifted you can get a cleaner - perhaps DD and BF can pay for that.

Whoa, don’t be so hasty to end your relationship on the basis of a couple ofMN posters! Take a breath, have the family meeting, see what happens.

You don't have to break up with your bf but he doesn't have to live with you either.

You seem very passive. That is something you can work on in therapy.

There is no way in hades I'd be letting a layout bf shack up with my 18 year old DD and pay his way.

Both of the bfs need to move out. Still see your bf if you want. I reckon there will be less drama and work for you without them there.

Then work on family dynamics with you and your DC. Every single one of them need to be doing chores around the house. Learning to cook, cleaning up, get prepared for adulthood.