OMG Asked Colleague Out, Ground Please Swallow Me Up

[FranklymydearIdogiveadamn]

Long explanation, please be gentle - I'll try to have thick skin! lol

I've made a total fool of myself at work and am so embarrassed. For the past few months I've started to develop feelings towards a colleague - we don't work in the same section so only bump into each other every so often.

After numerous conversations with him I assumed he was single, for example he would ask how I was finding lockdown and I would say I live alone and am used to my own company so am finding it easy, he would answer 'me too', another time he asked if I'd put my Christmas decorations up, I said no and he replied 'me neither, they're still covered in cobwebs in the attic', there has been lots of conversations like this which gave me the impression he was alone, this was reinforced after Christmas when I asked if he managed to see friends or family, he shook his head and said no, I then said 'so you were all alone' - I realise now he didn't actually answer that question, just kind of swerved it, he just started talking about how he didn't want to put his parents at risk by seeing them.

Anyway I was confident he was single and thought I could tell he liked me - but I obviously read the signs wrong! Stupidly I thought he wouldn't ask me out as he seems quiet and maybe unsure how I felt, I'm around 10 years younger he must be 56/57, I figured life is too short and I left him a note asking if he would like to go on a walk sometime. He phoned me straight away and said 'he would love to go on a walk but he's in a stale marriage'!! Obviously I was shocked, he went on to say 'if he was single he would jump at the chance' I said I thought you was single, the connection broke up and the next thing I heard was him saying how he's seeing how his marriage pans out and will talk to me at work.

Well I was shocked, embarrassed and deflated. I didn't see him for a couple of days then he came to talk to me. The first thing he said was 'I would have gone on a walk with you, you know' to which I replied 'I wouldn't have asked you if I knew you were married', he said 'I know' and looked at me like he wasn't sure what to say, I said I was ok just felt a little awkward, he said not to as it made his day, he then said 'your not going to stop talking to me are you', and then the conversation descended into awkward chit chat.

That was two weeks ago and I've not seen him since, I'm pretty sure he's now avoiding me. I'm so embarrassed, I go from feeling sad to angry with him. He is the first man I've been interested in a long time so I guess I built it up in my head.

I now worry about who else knows at work, I've boosted his ego while destroying mine, I feel nervous all day worrying about who knows and who I'm going to bump into.

I needed to write my story down and get it off my chest so to speak as living alone I've only got the walls to talk to - I blame this all on lockdown - it made me go crazy! lol

Have I made a total mug of myself? How can I face him and retain my dignity? I feel the more he avoids me the more uncomfortable it feels, though I'm sure distance is probably the best thing.

I feel such an idiot, I deluded myself into thinking he liked me when it was all in my head, I'm a foolish fool. Let this be a lesson learned.

He's been rather a shit, hasn't he

Unless the whole blimmin workplace could see that you were keen (a perfectly reasonable response BTW to someone who was letting you think he was single and perhaps interested) then this doesn't matter at all in the bigger picture. As you don't encounter him much as work, it's pretty unlikely anyone noticed.

I recommend you do not respond to his latest message, only go to his department when there are impeccable work reasons, and talk to him only about work. You might have to keep his work number on your work phone, but delete personal ones from your personal phone.

It's a shame he has treated you badly, and you need to move on swiftly from this. And that most definitely means not tying up your time with his marriage dramas.

Usually I’d be one of the first to tell a poster you’ve been imagining things but from what you’ve said it does actually sound like he deliberately led you to believe he was single.

I think he used you for an ego boost - he knew exactly what he was doing, and likes the feeling of knowing someone is interested in him so he encouraged it.

I’d steer clear of him with your head held high. It’s completely natural to want to take it further with a man you think is single and get on well with. He’s the one who should give his head a wobble - and also be cautious, because “I’m in a stale marriage” is page 1 of the cheaters handbook. You deserve so much better than that.

Please don’t buy his “stale marriage” bullshit.

You haven’t made a fool of yourself, you assumed he was single because he wanted you to think he was single. This is literally the cliché of how office affairs start.

You’ve boosted his ego and bruised your own.
I can guarantee he has had extramarital affairs before and he was lining you up to hook you in.

Don’t get dragged into continuing to talk to him. He knows you like him and he will manipulate you because he knows that. He’s already manipulated you by omitting any reference to his marriage in your conversations.

Also the “jump at the chance if I was single” is designed to flatter you so he can reel you in.

Don’t get involved. Don’t engage with him any further.

I think you handled this well. He knew what he was doing and hoped you would go along with his "stale marriage" excuse.

Your response of "I wouldn't have asked if you were married" showed your intent. You have lost anything but maybe a little faith in men.

I think you've handled it well, too. You have done absolutely nothing wrong. I don't think he led you on, but he did have ample opportunity to mention his home situation.
You haven't made a fool out of yourself at all.
Keep it professional from now on. Hold your head up high and fake it til you make it.
There is someone out there for you.

I also think you handled it well.

He was clearly trying to lead you up the garden path, so to speak.
I think he hoped once he mentioned the "stale marriage" you may have still be quite inviting of the walk together.

He was in the wrong not you.

I don't think you've made a fool of yourself at all! Be kind to yourself

You didn’t misread the signs. You concluded exactly what he wanted you too. You have nothing to feel embarrassed about.
But set your sights higher than his man.

Think of how you would view a friend on the same situation? Would you view her as a fool and feel embarrassed to know her? Or would you feel she made an honest error over a guy who most probably led her into thinking he was available when he actually wasn't? Who is in the wrong here?

Congratulate yourself for having the confidence to ask for something you wanted and thought was available. He may be pleased to have hooked you in, but he can see you have backed off and he has done it under false pretences.

If anyone else finds out, it'll be a bit of gossip for 5 minutes. So what? Why would they think badly of you, when you've done nothing wrong?

Avoid, stay professional and pretend you don't care. It will soon pass.

You haven't embarrassed yourself at all. He deliberately mislead you and all you asked was if he wanted a walk. And well done for doing that because now, instead of building it up more and more in your head, you know what and who he is.

You sound lovely and decent and you can hold your head high. He was looking for an ego boost and using you for that. Don't get drawn in to anything else. If you are worried what other people think, if they even noticed, I am sure they will know that he is married and what he was doing. Try not to give it another thought.

You haven’t been an idiot. He clearly gave you the impression he was single and you acted on that.

He’s a manipulative fucker who should be ashamed of himself.

Wow he's a dick. He deliberately lead you to believe he was single and now wants to keep chatting to keep his ego bolstered. This is not your fault. Don't feel embarrassed. Just keep any contact with him professional and try and forget I'd say.

hes an asshole , he gave you elusive answers to test the waters and now wants to keep you as a back up if his marriage fails. He's gross, ignore him. You have nothing to be embarrassed about this is all his doing. I hope this goes without saying... but do not consider an affair with the man regardless of your feelings or his persuasion

Well done on having the confidence! He did mislead you I think, ‘stale marriage’ is a crock. It certainly is going to go stale while you’re carefully omitting all mention of it and flirting with colleagues.

I also think you handled this well. I once had a crush on a work colleague who had no interest in me and OMG I was soooo much more inappropriate than this. Blushing remembering it. You did a perfectly normal thing. There is nothing wrong with it. You showed vulnerability which is a necessary first step to getting what we want. It didn't work out this time but it could have. I think you are brave for going after you want

I think he deliberately didn’t mention the wife, and he’s dropping in information about his ‘stale marriage’ now to potentially sound you out for an affair. I think you’ve handled the situation very well and shouldn’t be embarrassed at all.

People are being pretty harsh on him, probably to make you feel better. Please don't go down the road of rubbishing others to make yourself feel better.

What you did is fine. No one would have ever got together without taking that first step. Normally its the man but why not you. You will get knock backs but try not to become bitter about it or feel its you. Its just life.

You've made lots of assumptions about him. Perhaps his marriage is a bit of a disaster and he feels alone. At least when you asked him he told you he was married. I doubt he'll see you as anything other than the person you are and may be a little embarrassed, just as you feel, it'll pass. Stay professional with him, stay friendly if you want, try not to get too attached.

Maybe his marriage will fail, maybe they'll work on it. Seek your own romantic interest elsewhere for now.

You did nothing wrong. Perfectly normal. He was deliberately trying to make you think he was single. Carry on as normal, nothing to be embarrassed about. Give him a wide berth. I hope you meet someone else nice.

I feel worse for the poor woman he’s married to. Imagine someone telling people your marriage was “stale”. I’d be mortified and so hurt.

He’s not a nice guy. Think of it as a lucky escape.

Maybe he was playing you and deliberately trying to make you think he was single, but maybe all of his comments were also true.
I've been in a relationship were it felt no different to being alone near the end. We never sat in the same room, didnt bother doing decorating or anything like that. If lockdown happened at that point in my life, I could honestly day "me too" if talking to someone who said they were used to their own company. If it was a work colleage, I wouldn't go into detail about my private life.

You really shouldnt be insulting someone or dragging them down, or listening to all the people online who want to make him out as a cheating shit. It just isnt nice.

You asked someone out. They're married. It's notthe end of the world and it'll blow over.

You didn't delude yourself into thinking he liked you. It sounds like he does like you because it appears he was manipulating conversations to elicit some sort of pity from you. Quite where he was planning to go from there is a mystery. Maybe he just wanted to keep it going for as long as possible so that he could keep getting attention from you. Does he not wear a wedding ring?

You haven't done anything to embarrass yourself, so stop blaming yourself. You thought he was single and interested and although he may be interested, he's not available.

Chalk this one up to experience and next time you meet someone you are attracted to, make it a priority to find out if they are genuinely single. Just be professional with this man from now on, polite and friendly but distant. You've got this.

OP, you did absolutely nothing wrong. You thought he was single. You withdrawned your offer after he told you he is married. Absolutely normal, zero grounds for embarrassment. Even if everyone in your office knows they will not think you made a fool of yourself or anything like that. Really, absolutely nothing to worry about. Just a simple misunderstanding

You've done nothing wrong OP! You thought a man from another dept was single and asked him out on a walk. You then politely pulled back when he said he was married.

That's classy, mature behaviour, taking a chance but but not getting sucked in with his talk of a stale marriage and trying to angle to meet up anyway by saying how much he would love to.

You 100% have not made a fool of yourself. Even if the whole office hears about this by sundown, 'Susan invited Mick for a walk' is hardly a scandal!