OMG Asked Colleague Out, Ground Please Swallow Me Up

[FranklymydearIdogiveadamn]

Long explanation, please be gentle - I'll try to have thick skin! lol

I've made a total fool of myself at work and am so embarrassed. For the past few months I've started to develop feelings towards a colleague - we don't work in the same section so only bump into each other every so often.

After numerous conversations with him I assumed he was single, for example he would ask how I was finding lockdown and I would say I live alone and am used to my own company so am finding it easy, he would answer 'me too', another time he asked if I'd put my Christmas decorations up, I said no and he replied 'me neither, they're still covered in cobwebs in the attic', there has been lots of conversations like this which gave me the impression he was alone, this was reinforced after Christmas when I asked if he managed to see friends or family, he shook his head and said no, I then said 'so you were all alone' - I realise now he didn't actually answer that question, just kind of swerved it, he just started talking about how he didn't want to put his parents at risk by seeing them.

Anyway I was confident he was single and thought I could tell he liked me - but I obviously read the signs wrong! Stupidly I thought he wouldn't ask me out as he seems quiet and maybe unsure how I felt, I'm around 10 years younger he must be 56/57, I figured life is too short and I left him a note asking if he would like to go on a walk sometime. He phoned me straight away and said 'he would love to go on a walk but he's in a stale marriage'!! Obviously I was shocked, he went on to say 'if he was single he would jump at the chance' I said I thought you was single, the connection broke up and the next thing I heard was him saying how he's seeing how his marriage pans out and will talk to me at work.

Well I was shocked, embarrassed and deflated. I didn't see him for a couple of days then he came to talk to me. The first thing he said was 'I would have gone on a walk with you, you know' to which I replied 'I wouldn't have asked you if I knew you were married', he said 'I know' and looked at me like he wasn't sure what to say, I said I was ok just felt a little awkward, he said not to as it made his day, he then said 'your not going to stop talking to me are you', and then the conversation descended into awkward chit chat.

That was two weeks ago and I've not seen him since, I'm pretty sure he's now avoiding me. I'm so embarrassed, I go from feeling sad to angry with him. He is the first man I've been interested in a long time so I guess I built it up in my head.

I now worry about who else knows at work, I've boosted his ego while destroying mine, I feel nervous all day worrying about who knows and who I'm going to bump into.

I needed to write my story down and get it off my chest so to speak as living alone I've only got the walls to talk to - I blame this all on lockdown - it made me go crazy! lol

Have I made a total mug of myself? How can I face him and retain my dignity? I feel the more he avoids me the more uncomfortable it feels, though I'm sure distance is probably the best thing.

I feel such an idiot, I deluded myself into thinking he liked me when it was all in my head, I'm a foolish fool. Let this be a lesson learned.

You don’t need to be embarrassed. You thought he was single as he GAVE you that impression.

“I wouldn’t have asked if you was married” booooom! Well done OP, go you!

Absolute dick. He deliberately misled you. He's doesn't want to cheat but does want the ego boost he gets from an attractive younger woman showing interest. You have been manipulated to his advantage. I wouldn't give him the time of day going forward.

He lead you on. You caught him out in his lies when things could get real.

He's a shit and is the one should be embarrassed.

Oh my gosh, do NOT panic! You read all the signals right, he clearly is interested in you and did not want you to know he’s married.

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong.

He should be embarrassed for giving you the signals and then after telling you he was married still giving you more signals.

In my opinion, you really haven't made a fool of yourself. You gave him plenty of opportunity for him to make it clear he wasn't single. You liked him and you asked him out, which again is a perfectly reasonable thing to do (I asked out my husband). He made his situation clear and you rescinded your offer. Absolutely nothing wrong with what you've done, in fact hats off to you for making a move. In this instance, it didn't work but that's through no fault of your own.

I bet your colleagues don't know what's happened and, even if they did, you've done nothing wrong. Hold your head up high :)

You’ve done nothing to embarrass yourself. Honestly.

You’ve had conversations where he has had plenty of opportunities to tell you his status. HE chose not to tell you. HE chose to mislead you as he was probably very flattered by the attention.

You asked him to go for a walk. Harmless in the big scheme of things.

He only then chose to tell you why that might be tricky.

No harm done and good for you for telling him that you wouldn’t have entertained it if you knew he was married.

Stale marriage? He isn’t a prince. I wonder if his wife thinks that?

Just keep it professional from now on. Polite and friendly but professional.

All is good.

@BigFatLiar

People are being pretty harsh on him, probably to make you feel better. Please don't go down the road of rubbishing others to make yourself feel better.

What you did is fine. No one would have ever got together without taking that first step. Normally its the man but why not you. You will get knock backs but try not to become bitter about it or feel its you. Its just life.

You've made lots of assumptions about him. Perhaps his marriage is a bit of a disaster and he feels alone. At least when you asked him he told you he was married. I doubt he'll see you as anything other than the person you are and may be a little embarrassed, just as you feel, it'll pass. Stay professional with him, stay friendly if you want, try not to get too attached.

Maybe his marriage will fail, maybe they'll work on it. Seek your own romantic interest elsewhere for now.

That's really not why they're doing it. It's not knocking others down to make yourself feel big. It's seeing and naming duplicitous behaviour.

He has deliberately avoided mentioning his wife. You know he has done this, because you can remember specific instances when it would have been natural for her to mention her, but he hasn't. That's intentional. It doesn't necessarily mean that he was trying to manoeuvre you into an affair. but...

"My wife doesn't understand me. We're only still together for the kids. We're barely even like friends. We never have sex." and so on are like page one of the cheater's handbook. (And the wives in question would describe things rather differently.) "The marriage is stale" is very reminiscent of those sorts of phrases. It's also a really shitty thing to say to a work acquaintance. Have a think about what exactly he means by it.

Don't feel embarrassed. Feel relieved. You have acted with complete integrity. He has not.

I think you're being too harsh on yourself, you asked him out, you weren't to know he was married. That's ok, it's hardly a crime? You didn't mean anything bad by it, and I'm sure he didn't take it that way. Don't worry too much about it. Just move on.

There's nothing to be embarrassed about here. It no doubt made his day!

You certainly haven't made a fool of yourself, however from experience it's never a good idea to start a relationship with someone you work with
However I think all this vitriol aimed at a man who turned you down to remain faithful to his wife is very unfair.
Yes I'm sure he was flattered that you had a soft spot for him, but he didn't act on that and also may have been a bit clueless and not realised you were coming on to him
I am quite a chatty person and have just thought I was having general chit chat with someone and it turned out they thought it was something more

You have not made a fool of yourself. Not at all.

You extended an invitation to someone who interested you, who you believed was single. When he said he was in a "stale" marriage, you withdrew. You have now made your position clear.

I think he is setting you up for an affair. I doubt his wife knows their marriage is stale. Keep it purely professional from now on & if he tries to draw you in state again that you are not interested in any relationship with married men.

If asked at work, play it down. All you suggested was a walk sometime.

Technically, my OH could have said the same things e.g. about Christmas decorations and staying away from relatives, to an acquaintance enquiring after him. But I would hope that he would use 'we' rather than 'I' at least at some stage during the conversations!

Don’t feel embarrassed. He had every opportunity to tell you he was married but he didn’t until he had to. Whether he was purposely trying to deceive you or was just enjoying his little fantasy about not being in a “stale marriage” is irrelevant.

Personally I think he was testing the waters - subtly engaging with you but in a way that he could backtrack if anyone noticed or you weren’t actually interested. Then when you did ask him out, notice his phrasing. Not “Sorry, I’m married” but all that crap about his “stale marriage”. He was fishing to see how you’d react to that - ie would you be up for it anyway?

I’d affect an air of breezy, pleasant indifference to him. You have no reason to be embarrassed.

Don't be embarrassed. From what you have said he wasn't exactly forthcoming and the fact that he said he would jump at the chance but for his marriage confirms you didn't read the situation wrong.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of! He clearly deliberately didn't tell you about his wife because he was interested in you! You haven't imagine anything! He likes you and chose to carefully not mention his wife in the hope he could trick you into something.

You can hold your head up high!!!

He only told you when he absolutely had to. He has deliberately misled you.

He obviously likes you and/or the attention and hasn't wanted to jeopardise that by telling you about his wife. I don't like this behaviour, it's sneaky.

Also, if something were to happen now he would be able to absolve himself of any wrong-doing because he 'told you'.

Don't feel bad, you've done nothing wrong.

Why are YOU embarrassed?! You need to brazen this out head held high. From what you describe you did nothing wrong, he was enjoying your intention and whilst he hasn't lied he has led you on. Go in head held high - you backed off when he said he was married (he was obviously putting out feelers still otherwise he wouldn't have said "stale"). You did nothing wrong.

OP, you have nothing at all to be embarrassed about. You asked a man out and he turned out to be married so you aren't going out with him. No harm done.
He might be feeling embarrassed, and so he should. But that is not your problem.
And also, it isn't easy to put yourself out there and ask people out so I'd be feeling a bit proud of myself for having done that if I were in your shoes.

I think he’s possibly avoiding you because HE’S embarrassed. He’s the one that wasn’t completely honest. You also told him you wouldn’t have asked if you’d known he was married (after he almost tested the water by saying he’d have gone for a walk with you). You can totally hold your head up..

The fact that he had to put "Stale" in there really cements your opinion that he was deliberately trying to let you think he was single, what a piece of shit. he should be feeling embarrassed not you, you did nothing wrong at all. I'm glad you told him that you wouldn't have asked if you knew he was married and ignored him saying his marriage was stale. I wonder if his wife knows that her marriage is "stale" ugh

He sounds weak and pathetic, like most men who cheat.

He's enjoying your attention. Remove it.

I so hope his wife treats him like shit. That 'stale marriage' bollox is infuriating.

Arsehole.

Well nobody died. I’m not quite sure why it would be cause for quite so much angst. I dare say a gazillion men have been knocked back over the years and have had to live with that blow to their ego. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about... just act normal and style it out.

I think there are two things you can take from this. Firstly be pleased you have acted with integrity by refusing the walk once you knew he was married. Secondly a deeper look into why you are embarrassed. You liked someone, thought they were single, took a chance to take it further and put yourself out there and when you learned more details said no with class. So where is the embarrassment coming from?

I think you handled all this really well. It appears he lead you to believe he was single to keep his options open, got cold feet so trotted out the "stale marriage" line to see if you'd bite - and you didn't, so well done. Just stay away from him now unless you need to speak to him for work reasons. He sounds like he's considering an affair, and you sound way too classy to be a bit on the side.

@EpochTime

Technically, my OH could have said the same things e.g. about Christmas decorations and staying away from relatives, to an acquaintance enquiring after him. But I would hope that he would use 'we' rather than 'I' at least at some stage during the conversations!

Or not avoid the question when asked If you were alone for Christmas!