OMG Asked Colleague Out, Ground Please Swallow Me Up

[FranklymydearIdogiveadamn]

Long explanation, please be gentle - I'll try to have thick skin! lol

I've made a total fool of myself at work and am so embarrassed. For the past few months I've started to develop feelings towards a colleague - we don't work in the same section so only bump into each other every so often.

After numerous conversations with him I assumed he was single, for example he would ask how I was finding lockdown and I would say I live alone and am used to my own company so am finding it easy, he would answer 'me too', another time he asked if I'd put my Christmas decorations up, I said no and he replied 'me neither, they're still covered in cobwebs in the attic', there has been lots of conversations like this which gave me the impression he was alone, this was reinforced after Christmas when I asked if he managed to see friends or family, he shook his head and said no, I then said 'so you were all alone' - I realise now he didn't actually answer that question, just kind of swerved it, he just started talking about how he didn't want to put his parents at risk by seeing them.

Anyway I was confident he was single and thought I could tell he liked me - but I obviously read the signs wrong! Stupidly I thought he wouldn't ask me out as he seems quiet and maybe unsure how I felt, I'm around 10 years younger he must be 56/57, I figured life is too short and I left him a note asking if he would like to go on a walk sometime. He phoned me straight away and said 'he would love to go on a walk but he's in a stale marriage'!! Obviously I was shocked, he went on to say 'if he was single he would jump at the chance' I said I thought you was single, the connection broke up and the next thing I heard was him saying how he's seeing how his marriage pans out and will talk to me at work.

Well I was shocked, embarrassed and deflated. I didn't see him for a couple of days then he came to talk to me. The first thing he said was 'I would have gone on a walk with you, you know' to which I replied 'I wouldn't have asked you if I knew you were married', he said 'I know' and looked at me like he wasn't sure what to say, I said I was ok just felt a little awkward, he said not to as it made his day, he then said 'your not going to stop talking to me are you', and then the conversation descended into awkward chit chat.

That was two weeks ago and I've not seen him since, I'm pretty sure he's now avoiding me. I'm so embarrassed, I go from feeling sad to angry with him. He is the first man I've been interested in a long time so I guess I built it up in my head.

I now worry about who else knows at work, I've boosted his ego while destroying mine, I feel nervous all day worrying about who knows and who I'm going to bump into.

I needed to write my story down and get it off my chest so to speak as living alone I've only got the walls to talk to - I blame this all on lockdown - it made me go crazy! lol

Have I made a total mug of myself? How can I face him and retain my dignity? I feel the more he avoids me the more uncomfortable it feels, though I'm sure distance is probably the best thing.

I feel such an idiot, I deluded myself into thinking he liked me when it was all in my head, I'm a foolish fool. Let this be a lesson learned.

Having been in a workplace affair many moons ago with an older senior colleague, this is just so depressingly familiar. No mention of being married while the friendship bonds are forming. Then, once it's clear you're attracted, there's the mention of the 'problematic' marriage. It's stale, or a marriage of convenience, or only staying for the kids, etc, etc.
You've been brilliant, much stronger than I was, you have more self respect, well done.
Now hold your head high, you've nothing to be embarrassed about.

You're fab, he's a dick.
End of.

Don't worry about it, no your not a fool, he obviously likes you and you felt that vibe from him. Don't be awkward around him just stay friendly as colleagues.

What a sneaky little shit.

You haven't embarrassed yourself - just the opposite. He was fishing. He didn't want to show his hand directly and look like the wannabe cheat he is, so did it this way. It was supposed to end with you responding to his 'stale marriage' reveal with 'Oh so sad, would you like to come on that walk and tell me more - wink wink' - he even tried again with 'I would have gone on that walk with you, you know' - LITTLE RATBAG!

You gave him the brush off, which is probably what he half sensed - that you aren't the affair type - hence him treading so carefully.

But he was putting out the feelers to cheat.

Bleurgh.

Don't even worry about staying friends. Forget the conversations. Indifference is the way to go and don't even think about feeling bad.

Don't feel bad,he should've made it clear he was married,he's in the wrong x

You are ace. You've kept your dignity.
I think he's got his own issues in his marriage and I think he is attracted to you. But he has made an arse of himself and that's why he's avoiding you. He nearly dragged you into a shitty situation.

I've been in a very similar position (sorry this is long) when I was 19, very nearly 20. I'm now 34. I work in a large organisation and I used to see this guy around all the time. He wasn't ugly at all but he didn't make my heart flutter at first. It was the connection we built as he was flirting with me all the time. Every time I saw him he would talk to me and make comments, go out of hid way to talk to me. If it wasn't for my work colleague (who used to come with me on some of our rounds shall we say) I might have thought he was just being nice but even my colleague could see what he was doing. He was very obvious about it.

So I was so very sure he liked me but unfortunately I suffered from anxiety and was only a year from a very close relative dying in a traumatic way, so I was shy and scared, still grieving so my colleague offered to speak to him. She was a similar age to me and he was a year older than me. So after all this time of flirting and being over the top, turns out he had a girlfriend. She said he wouldn't admit it first but then he admitted he had been flirting and she was a bit taken back. I felt an absolute fool for him leading me on and reaching out like that. I wasn't very brave back then and I felt shame.

A few weeks on, I kind of managed to turn it back on him. We were in a lift and there were 2 other people in there. He said to me slightly cocky so can I have your number then. I was shocked but taken back and just blurted out er no and the other two started laughing. He started spluttering well we're friends aren't we. And then my stop came and I sassily saunted out and said we shall see.

Ha never in my life did I feel so proud of myself. I should have left it there but reader I didn't.

What transpires next (and I won't go into it all as it's long enough already) that he'd split up with his gf after apparently she'd cheaten on him with 2 guys. And I respected the fact that after I'd said no, he asked again so this time I said yes. Wish I'd never bothered. In hindsight, it turns out I felt like I ended up paying for what his ex did to him. The amount of messing with my head he did, conflicting statements with actions! He left me feeling quite broken as I stated already I was still in a fog of grief and he knew it. He turned out not to be very nice at all o.p! Luckily he left for another job out of the country.

This sounds the same with this guy. Steer well clear and don't let him mess with your head and heart as this twat did to me!

Wow, thank you so much for all your replies, I’ve read each and every one and you have all made me feel so much better about my situation.

I don’t really know what to think of him, he really didn’t seem the affair type which was one of the reasons I was initially attracted to him as he came across a genuine nice guy, not flashy or terribly attractive just a normal down to earth man. I’ve had experience of players in the past (many many years ago) so know the type and he seems completely opposite – but what do I know!

I must be terribly naïve but I was thinking he acted with integrity by telling me he was married and not trying anything on with me but now thinking about what and how he said it I realise that may not have been quite so clear cut – god I’m so gullible! Or maybe he is a decent man and by avoiding me now he’s sending a message he’s off limits, see I’m still giving him the benefit of the doubt.

A couple of people posted asking if he wears a wedding ring – believe me I wish I had taken note of this before I asked him out but I never even thought about looking at his hand as the thought never crossed my mind, a lot of the time he would have his hands in pockets – before anyone says it was deliberate I really don’t think so, its just his stance, but maybe I’m being naïve again!

Anyway who knows what’s going through his mind, but none of that matters. In a strange way I’m glad I asked him as otherwise I would never have known and it would still be whizzing around in my head and I would be getting even more invested in him.

I intend to stay away from him, I’m still nervous when walking the corridors but I’ll have to deal with it. I cant get over the embarrassment and my bruised ego but I guess time will take care of that, part of it is because the section he works in consists of 5 men and I just get the feeling he might have told them all (I mean who wouldn’t brag about it) so I feel extremely self-conscious when I see any of them but I guess I just have to suck it up. My lesson never ask anyone out at work!

@Opaljewel You were very young though, we all thought it will be different with me or don't take heed of the red flags when we were that age. The OP has said she's 10 years younger than the man she's talking about so she's probably mid 40's? I think (hope) by that age we've got a lot more experience with people to know when you've been messed around and when someone is full of shit as well.

Just a question about your story, do you know for sure his g/f cheated on him or was that just what he told you?

I must be terribly naïve but I was thinking he acted with integrity by telling me he was married

Would a guy with integrity really tell a woman who had asked him out that his marriage was "stale" though, really? Imagine being his wife and knowing he'd said that. What do you think the purpose of him giving you this unasked for piece of information was if not to keep you as an option? Also, the hands in his pockets all the time is definitely him hiding his wedding ring, come on! If he wasn't hiding it, why would he have changed the subject when you asked if he spent Christmas alone?

There's a big difference between 'I'm married' and 'I'm in a stale marriage ' he was definitely fishing to see if you would still go out with him even though he's already in a relationship!

The only thing that really stands out for me was his depiction of his marriage as "stale". I see it as a test almost, if you had replied "sorry to hear that, it must be difficult, if you need someone to talk to let me know", then I think he would have kept talking to you. I actually think this is how a fair amount of affairs start. But you didn't respond like that, you responded with integrity and you should be proud of yourself.

You thought he was single, you asked him for a walk and when you found out he wasn't single, you reacted in a respectful and honest way.

You have NOTHING to worry about. You did good.

Yes, now reading it back it does sound dodgy and I'm old enough to know better! I need to stop blaming myself, I've lost a bit of confidence but I'm sure I'll survive

@FranklymydearIdogiveadamn

Yes, now reading it back it does sound dodgy and I'm old enough to know better! I need to stop blaming myself, I've lost a bit of confidence but I'm sure I'll survive

But you did know better anyway even if you gave him the benefit of the doubt, you still backed away after hearing he was married (Stale or not!) He's really the only one who should be embarrassed

Horrible situation but you acted responsibly, don’t be ashamed maybe next time ask in general conversation are you married /have a partner as soon as you possible. He could have been single . I have to say it’s nice that he is loyal to his wife, nice quality .

I don't know why you're so embarrassed. Your OP reads as if you've done something really gauche and cringey and are completely battering yourself over it. There is no need!

I don't think you've done anything wrong (although work relationships are notorious if they don't work out 🤪). He's deliberately misled you from the sounds of it, I think he's fishing for an affair. If his marriage was stale and over why hasn't he left? Sounds like he's been stringing you along. He's avoiding you because he's embarrassed you haven't fallen for it. You backed out when you said you wouldn't have asked him if he was married. I doubt he's told anyone about it, he wouldn't want anything getting back and he's obviously lead you on. He's probably done it before, they always have 🤪

god I’m so gullible!

No you're likely not OP, there probably weren't cues to miss. He may well not have been some slick philanderer scoping you out for a full blown sexual affair from the outset. Plenty of nice enough people seem to wander into emotional affairs and friendships that go too far out of boredom and a bit of lazy opportunism. It comes up all the time on here.

You’ve done literally nothing wrong here @FranklymydearIdogiveadamn He was clearly being a little shifty once he realised you might like him. If he was a true gentleman he would have subtly slipped it into the conversation that he was busy with his wife so that you could back off without losing face.

You’ve done nothing wrong op, he isn’t being a friend to his own marriage though.

When you said you'd made a fool of yourself, I was expecting to read something like

"There's this guy at work I like, I thought he was single and was giving me all the right signals, so last week I snuck into the office early and when he came into his work area and turned the light on I was laying naked on top of his desk..."

This really isn't anything to worry about! You asked him out in a very casual way, he said no, no drama or embarassment needed!

He may well have been using you for an ego boost, which is a bit unfair, but at the end of the day there's no harm done - and at least now you know he's not available and can move on!

@EvenMoreFuriousVexation

When you said you'd made a fool of yourself, I was expecting to read something like

"There's this guy at work I like, I thought he was single and was giving me all the right signals, so last week I snuck into the office early and when he came into his work area and turned the light on I was laying naked on top of his desk..."

This really isn't anything to worry about! You asked him out in a very casual way, he said no, no drama or embarassment needed!

He may well have been using you for an ego boost, which is a bit unfair, but at the end of the day there's no harm done - and at least now you know he's not available and can move on!

Thanks for the idea - I'll try that next time! Lol.....

@AryaStarkWolf he was the one who told me but I used to go back to his flat a lot and he lived there with another guy. No sign of any other woman around. We weren't together a long time but he really did a number on me. I was still grieving and the things he said and did no one had done before and he messed with my head. I was looking for love and he never had intention of that. He told me one thing, did another. Said it wasn't serious then we had a slight bicker as he was insistent on meeting my mum and family then telling me he saw us together for a long time. Absolute mind fuck that guy and I'm glad he walked away from me now. I got with my current guy a few months after and we've been together 14 years so he did me a favour.