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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I reported my abuser from 20 years ago.

90 replies

rainbowdashsneeze · 05/02/2021 09:30

Yesterday I phoned the police and reported a rape that took place when I was 12 years old. I was inspired by a thread asking when you lost your virginity and I realised I answered that question with "12 years". I didn't lose my virginity at 12 I was raped! The police came round within an hour of reporting the offence and took my statement. I am now beginning to get cold feet and think I have done the wrong thing. I can't help but feel I should have let sleeping dogs sleep instead of waking all of that pain and hurt. It was 20 years ago now and I still think about it on a regular basis and I know it's the right thing to do but I am also very Aware that conviction rate for rape is very low so I may be fighting a loosing battle. Not really sure why I'm posting tbh.

OP posts:
Londoncatshed · 05/02/2021 20:26

Cliftonbear said my thoughts exactly. I feel proud of you. What a brave thing to do. Well done. I hope this can bring you peace. Whatever the outcome, you have done the right thing. I could cry for you as that 12 year old.

dublingirl66 · 05/02/2021 20:27

You are so brave

Well done

You are 100 per cent right for doing this

Xxxxxxxxxx

AdriannaP · 05/02/2021 20:31

Well done you! You are so brave.
I have never reported my abuser - I was 11 at the time and my parents didn’t want me to report it. I am still thinking about it and so upset I never reported it and he got away with it.

GenuineKlatchianPottery · 05/02/2021 20:34

Flowers You are so brave.
Flowers To all survivors.

justthecat · 05/02/2021 20:37

You’ve been very brave. Just remember the guilt and shame do not belong to you, that’s on him. 💐

nocoolnamesleft · 05/02/2021 20:39

You are a brave strong woman. You are truly inspiring.

willloman · 05/02/2021 20:41

You did the right thing - you are probably not this person's only victim. By speaking up you help stop the abuse happening to some other child.
12 year old you deserves justice also.

thelegohooverer · 05/02/2021 20:43

Thank you Flowers

Idefinatelyhavefriends · 05/02/2021 21:02

Thank you for reporting a violent rapist and helping to keep girls and women safe.

ArtfulScreamer · 05/02/2021 21:03

Well done and hopefully one of the people who watched or who he mouthed off to will be willing to speak up on your behalf now even if they couldn't all those years ago. Witnesses might have families of their own now and that can change perspective on things. Even if it goes no further at least you've disclosed and he'll be named as a suspect on a crime report. The shame is absolutely his not yours Flowers

WendyTestaburger · 05/02/2021 21:08

@rainbowdashsneeze

Thank you so much all of you. I can't tell you how much these comments mean. I keep coming back and reading the comments when I am feeling panicky and like I did the wrong thing. I am fighting with my emotions so much. It's taken 20 years to realise I deserve justice and I am not a slag!!

After he raped me he told everyone I threw myself at him and I got a reputation from there he made my life a misery. I ended up moving away from my home town when I had children as I was so scared they would find out.

I just feel so sad for that 12 year old girl who was so scared lonely and vulnerable wondering why no one wanted to protect her.

Oh my gosh I am in awe of you! I know that in a weird way it seems easier to go on believing it is your own fault, than to face up to your vulnerability as a 12 year old and the callousness of some men. But of course wrongly absorbing the blame comes at such a personal cost. The shame is all his. I wish you so much luck with this.
Howzaboutye · 05/02/2021 21:25

Oh bloody hell that's awful. You poor thing. You have done the right thing. What a bastard

namechange63524 · 05/02/2021 21:35

@rainbowdashsneeze so sorry that happened to you.

cheeseybean · 05/02/2021 21:46

You've done the right thing Op. think of it as today is the first day of the rest of your life. It's a weight off your shoulders now Thanks

ElfAndSafetyInspector · 05/02/2021 21:56

Well done OP. The detail you gave about making others watch - that doesn't sound like a one-off where he thought a pre-teen girl 'threw herself,' that sounds like the actions of someone who had done it before and will escalate, so please don't waste your compassion for whether him being a rapist may affect his life, save it for yourself. Flowers

Squidgling · 05/02/2021 22:00

Well done for reporting it. It was not your fault and regardless of the outcome it was wrong what he did. Don't worry about ruinging his life - he did that, not you. Flowers

Squidgling · 05/02/2021 22:00

*ruining

IdblowJonSnow · 05/02/2021 22:18

Virtual hug and handhold OP.
Good for you.
Thinking of you Flowers

flimflamafiddle · 05/02/2021 22:24

You've definitely done the right thing op, well done and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through.

My dh was repeatedly raped at the age of 8 by his older brother and he hasn't ever reported it. He told his mum after a year and she brushed it under the carpet, nothing happened. I think he's been conditioned to think he shouldn't report it as it's his brother which obviously I don't agree with but I don't push it as it's his choice

Ruminating2020 · 05/02/2021 22:29

I hope you get justice from this @rainbowdashsneeze and that the witnesses will do the right thing and tell the truth.

thebestnamehere · 05/02/2021 22:34

@rainbowdashsneeze

Thank you so much all of you. I can't tell you how much these comments mean. I keep coming back and reading the comments when I am feeling panicky and like I did the wrong thing. I am fighting with my emotions so much. It's taken 20 years to realise I deserve justice and I am not a slag!!

After he raped me he told everyone I threw myself at him and I got a reputation from there he made my life a misery. I ended up moving away from my home town when I had children as I was so scared they would find out.

I just feel so sad for that 12 year old girl who was so scared lonely and vulnerable wondering why no one wanted to protect her.

God thats awful, you were 12, you didn't throw yourself at him. You were a child for goodness sake!
Nat6999 · 05/02/2021 23:32

You were a child, he was 17 & should have known better. I was raped by my then husband 10 years ago, I reported it but the CPS wouldn't take it to trial, but it is still held on his police record that he has been accused of rape & if he does it to anyone else then it will be reported that he has been previously accused. You reporting the rape to the police may stop him doing it to another child or woman, you have done the right thing, the people who watched may have been too frightened to say anything twenty years ago but may not be now.

Free3mee3 · 05/02/2021 23:58

@flimflamafiddle

You've definitely done the right thing op, well done and I'm so sorry for what you had to go through.

My dh was repeatedly raped at the age of 8 by his older brother and he hasn't ever reported it. He told his mum after a year and she brushed it under the carpet, nothing happened. I think he's been conditioned to think he shouldn't report it as it's his brother which obviously I don't agree with but I don't push it as it's his choice

Flimflam I'm so sorry for your husband, as awful and horrifying as it is this scenario is all too common, the family make the victim, an innocent defenceless child bear the trauma and the humiliation completely alone, will not even acknowledge that any wrong has been done They do this rather than rock the boat or have anyone find out that something 'unsavoury' has occurred in their family It's despicable The child is sacrificed just to save face I was also the sacrificed child
bigvig · 06/02/2021 08:19

Stay strong OP. You've 100% done the right thing. I pray to god at least one of those cowardly arseholes who watched and did nothing have the strength to do what's right now.

I reported my abuser a few years ago and also felt really guilty - why was I destroying his life now, it's all so long ago. I can tell you from experience I don't feel those things now - that was just a legacy from the past - I feel proud and glad I spoke up. I feel better in myself and do now genuinely feel I am 'over it' if that makes sense. I thought I was before I went to the police but looking back now I was a complete mess. I also know I saved others from a similar fate. These abusers don't stop until someone stops them.

Thinking of you OP, flimflam and Free3 and your husband and all the others out there - there are far too many of us!

Puddlebear · 06/02/2021 08:25

Well done OP. I am so, so sorry that the poor vulnerable 12 year old girl you were had to bear this burden for so long. You are doing an amazing thing standing up for her now.

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