Has lockdown ruined your relationship

[NCTDN]

I'm not sure if I love dh any more. This last year has been so stressful and I'm starting to feel suffocated in the house. Two teenage children are finding being stuck at home really tough understandably, but as parents were just seem to permanently disagree over how we should handle them.
I have no desire for any sexual contact whatsoever despite dh saying her loves me.
I'm scared to actually voice my feelings so putting them on here is the first step I suppose. Is it the effect of lockdown- have others felt the same?

Yes, same here.

I think the first lockdown brought this sense of togetherness, shielded away in our small house from the big bad virus. The weather was glorious so we spent a lot of time in the garden, schools weren't that organised, there was not much expectation, our jobs were safe. I think we had lost connection before that so it was an opportunity to spend more family time. Then everything has changed this time around for us. Cluttered small house, a toddler to entertain and a Y3 to help through her tonne of work, DH not that helpful/successful with the kids, being H24 together in the same 4 rooms, can't get anywhere, very little physical activity... We are both working from home but it's a struggle with the kids so it makes it for some really tough moments and stressful situations with work. A lot of disagreement, very little fun.. On insight I think we're so disconnected now that we would not be able to go back to a loving relationship. We've had a quick chat and we agree that we'd rather be friends so I'm going to start thinking of plan B and how to move forward. He is very supportive but wasn't really insistent in trying to save our relationship either which means a lot to me.

I don't know if it's worth waiting until the end of the pandemic to have this conversation with your dh and see if things gets back to normal afterwards or if this is the nudge that was needed to start a new life. I think for me it was the last straw in a very damaged but still courteous relationship.

It sucks.

It hasn’t and we’ve been happy spending more time together. But it sounds like you need support with your situation instead of worrying about other people

@PinkSparklyUnicorn You decided something that major after a quick chat? Blimey!

It's good you can be friends. Do you not want to try to be connected again? How do you both know this isn't a down patch that can be worked through?

Same here. Massive work and school expectations, I have been sinking fast / and dealing with it alone. He has supported me in no way at all. It has been absolute hell for me. I've been in tears every single day. He on the other hand ha s worked, yelled at the kids who are sick of Teams and bored of worksheets, and done his home workouts. He has done absolutely nothing to help me.
I am trying to figure out how I can but a house for four of us on my own. It won't be easy. to you, you aren't alone x

@EarthSight Ok - reading through it again it sounds really odd indeed! Sorry, I didn't mean it like that, it was more of a succession of small but intense talks when the kids were in bed which led to the final "right this is were we are now". Sucks nevertheless!

@coronafiona, it's so hard isn't it? Hang in there... Good luck

Yes. Tbf we were already crumbling but those first few months of the 1st lockdown killed us off.

It's made me see lots of things I could ignore before because I could avoid it. That our lives revolve around his job and I've been suckered into staying through my own ineptitude. Hormonal tonight which doesn't help. I know what you mean, OP.

When covid first happened, I'd just found out that my DP had had a snog and a grope with someone 2 years ago. Lockdown happened, and because of that, it's warped how I would process it.
So we are still together, but only just. I can't make any proper decisions until there is some more normal. If that makes sense!

He certainly annoys me a bit more but no, don't feel I love him any less. Relationship is still strong. I mostly am enjoying spending time with him, but when he annoys me it seems like a massive drama, whereas before I would have just shrugged it off. I haven't actually asked him about this but I think he feels the same.

Snap.

Been unhappy for a long time but the first lockdown last March went fine and we actually gelled again however once back to work it made me realise how much our whole lives have revolves around him,his job and everything him.

It came to a head for me a few weeks ago and I told him I want to seperate.
I realised how much I was surprising being me.

Constantly asking him to do things with me or the dc and getting despondent most of the time because we wernt quite important enough.

He's had a two week break before starting a new job and hes said a few times how he realises the dc come to me and want to be with me not him as much which I've been saying for a long time. Same with me.

I stopped asking him to do things with me and have just been doing what I want and since I've told him that and we have had no affection or intimacy it's shocked him to the core

I can't and don't want to be dragged down by his not intended but constant issues in life anymore.

I've told him he drains me and I just need space and to be me.
I feel better already.
I've been doing his fair share of Norma parenting and house finances etc for far too long as well as picking up his slack and doing his washing cooking ironing and lunches because I was home.

He never ever did anything for me and when I used to say that to him he would say he does things for me until I'd point out they were for the house or dc or for all of us,not just me.

I've told him I'm actually past that point now of him saying he gets it for a while and then it goes back to this again and I'm not interested anymore.

No, it hasn't changed anything. We have always given each other space and I haven't felt overwhelmed by his constant presence in the house. We're not the sort of couple to let our feelings, good or bad, run openly. But we are quite content as we are I think. I know he's there when I need him and he knows I'll always do my best for him. Lockdown hadn't changed that.

I don't know if I feel reassured or saddened that there are others in the same position as me.
I know DH would be shocked if I said that's it, but is it just things at the moment make the grass seem greener? I really don't know. Both dc would blame themselves if we did split up as arguments do revolve around parenting them and they have said they don't want to cause tensions. My concern is for their mental health so maybe I am more lenient than normal. But dh comes down on them like a ton of bricks over anything, saying we're not helping them turn into responsible adults. Obv I think I'm right, maybe I'm not?

He’s coming down on them like a tonne of bricks during a lockdown when everyone is openly saying our teens are going through a mental health crisis? No wonder you want rid! Print off stats about mental health and leave it on his pillow. He’s an utter dick and he’s causing permanent damage to his kids

I think many people find this 3rd lockdown a lot harder than the one in spring.
It’s both the general fatigue with confinement, the dreadful lack of sunlight, and the unending nature of it. We have all not had fun for ever. And are so deprived of social interactions - it’s like a slow unending torture.
And it’s not only teen’s MH is affected.

So - I think at this point it’s about survival. Rest can wait.
Personally - if at all possible - I’d not be making any major decisions about life or relationships just yet.

My marriage wasn’t great before March last year, it’s now over even though neither of us have said the words just yet out loud, I have told him am unhappy and asked him to stop with the affection as it’s makes me uncomfortable which you would think speaks volumes but alas it doesn’t seem to work that way. I cringe at the thought of him touching me and he’s a really good looking guy there is just no passion he’s needy and honestly I find it quiet pathetic
I am WFH and doing the schooling he’s out as normal, hasn’t offered to have days off to help with the school stuff even when asked. we parent differently I’m more relaxed and teaching her to be more independent he’s very hard on her lots of no and do it now when I ask and some shouting, he seems to lost his temper more with her since I’ve pulled totally away emotionally,
it’s very hard day to day walking around on eggshells, house feels like a prison at the moment and I’m down for a life sentence. Hopefully when things ease we can look at a way forward but apart he can find a partner that wants to hold hands and be with him every second of every day and I can find someone who is more adventurous and is happy to have there own life also

@Feelingchicken99 I absolutely resonate with you.
I do agree that now is not the right time for any major decisions - desperately holding onto lockdown being eased.

I’ve actually enjoyed having DH around ( he can’t work at the mo but I’m still working part time). He’s been baking bread, cooking meals more often & it’s been good to have his support with the home schooling. Having said that, we’ve definitely had our moments & he can be a right grumpy sod at times!

It's been reported that divorce solictors are run off their feet and budgeting for a deluge of new clients once covid ends. Reportedly, an even higher than usual proportion of covid divorce petitions are being initiated by women.

As PPs above have related, lockdown has finished struggling marriages off - for women who've finally been pushed too far. Interestingly enough, exactly the same pattern was seen in China following lockdown.

Yes but fortunately we are not married or officially living together, we've bubbled together through lockdown, he grates on me with his loudness when I was peace and quiet, he's laying about not actively looking for work, he's in a job that can work through lockdown. I think I have what you call a cocklodger 😂 except I'm not even getting much of that. Good lord! I can't wait until lockdown finishes.
I know it would of been better in normal life, not living together, going out to places etc but lockdown has made me realise that we're not that compatible.

Possibly. Not making any big decisions in the midst of this mess but I have realised I'm happier when it's just me and the kids at home and I kind of prepare myself for the deluge of negativity he brings every night when he gets in.

It's weird, DP and I were doing ok until recently and now we are not doing ok.

Everyone is getting on my tits right now and I hate my house.

We are only just married (August) and we are struggling. He is depressed, I am shielding and working from home and everything is just so hard. We went ahead with the wedding as we wanted the marriage not the day but the process was ridiculously difficult due to closure of churches and reading the banns etc.

I'm struggling with resentment with him over issues he has no power to change but which have now been affecting our lives for the last 2 years. He needs to pass his driving license to get a better paid job so I can switch career and take maternity leave without struggling but test centres are shut. They keep reopening test centres in time for his test but he's had no opportunity to practise with an instructor so isn't ready to take it.

I'm so frustrated. Holding on hard in the hope that nothing can be harder than getting married during a pandemic and trying to stay sane.

@DaenarysStormborn that's such a shame- I hope things improve.
The deluge of negativity - I couldn't agree more. Totally walking on eggshells.

@Mylittlepony374, I call this my 5.30pm anxiety check ie when he gets home, today an roll on Monday already

@NCTDN, until schools are back I can’t make major decisions to move forward

Just keep plodding over those eggshells and try to make as easy as possible with out him thinking things are going to work themselves back right and am going to fall madly in love