Has lockdown ruined your relationship

[NCTDN]

I'm not sure if I love dh any more. This last year has been so stressful and I'm starting to feel suffocated in the house. Two teenage children are finding being stuck at home really tough understandably, but as parents were just seem to permanently disagree over how we should handle them.
I have no desire for any sexual contact whatsoever despite dh saying her loves me.
I'm scared to actually voice my feelings so putting them on here is the first step I suppose. Is it the effect of lockdown- have others felt the same?

I would wait op, don't make any fast decisions now. Take your time and think about it when this is all over, maybe even a good few months after. Very few people are feeling comfortable with being locked down for so long.
If you feel he is abusive to your dc that is a different matter, but maybe he feels everything is going to seed in the lockdown. Keen to keep standards up etc. Give yourselves some space, get some counselling together and see what the summer brings.

Keen to keep standards is exactly what I would agree with. We just view things very differently and lockdown has highlighted this so much.

Nothing has really changed here, he's busier at work and I'm busier at home, we know we both have it hard at the moment but that it's not forever.

Definitely still love him and I miss not being able to spend child free time with him.

It might be the lockdown has created some of the problems op, and the feeling of being out of control and stressed. Dh may be trying to keep everything the same, and feeling like there is some element of normality. It is a control/stress thing I think, possibly your dh is feeling that way?
Seeing your kids suffer and not being able to do anything is hard, he is dealing with it differently to you.

How are your dc? Are they feeling more stressed out because of dh? My dc prefer us to keep an element of routine/order and normality, and seem to prefer it. We get them out of bed at the same time, showered, dressed and together first thing. On the few occasions we didn't they missed the rhythm and routine and were pretty ghastly. So it depends I think on how your dc are responding.

If you deal with stress and pressure differently that needn't be a dealbreaker as long as you respect each other's differences.

It did for me. We were already having issues when lockdown one started last March. He literally made the whole of lockdown about him, I was shielding, working full time and homeschooling two children but he actually said - it's ok for you because you are used to working from home. He didn't lift a finger around the house or with the kids and I just wondered what he was bringing to the table. We also had similar with our teen DD, she literally couldn't breathe without him huffing and puffing that she was making noise.

He actually decided to leave in June and moved into a rented room. I told someone that he was having a 'sabbatical', so I decided to make his sabbatical a lovely long one and filed for divorce in September. We are now negotiating the finance and hopefully be divorced soon. I cannot wait!

HE told someone he was having a sabbatical, not me!

Please please listen to Love in lockdown, a podcast episode by the Times. It's on Spotify very very useful.
Don't make any knee jerk reactions until we are out of lock down. It could be the pressures of lock down and not your partner.

My relationship has ended this week. I don't know if lockdown had a major impact on it but it hasn't helped not being able to get out of the house when I can feel the tension in the air. The straw that broke the camel's back was that I said I wanted to have a chat about household chores but I was nervous to bring it up. That alone should have been a red flag to me but it was only later, after a very nasty verbal tirade about how he can't be expected to live up to my impossible cleaning standards (full disclosure: my house always has DC hand prints on the window, yogurt on the carpet and dust on the skirting boards so I'm not particularly clean), I realised there's been low-level controlling behaviours from him the whole 8 years we've been together. I just feel sad for the kids and that it ended so abruptly. We were sorting plans to book our wedding in recent weeks too. I'm sorry to anyone else going through the mill. Temporary pain for long term happiness is what I'm telling myself.

First lockdown we split
Second & third lockdown were good friends now

I wouldn't say ruined but lockdown has given me more time to think more about the niggles I have about it. I don't work from home everyday which helps me.
Some days I find DH irritating and keep out of his way. One of our kids struggles with anxiety and lockdown has been hard for them, especially getting them to do school work, and more so this time round.

DH has always had a good relationship with the DC but recently he has often been dictatorial which makes them dig their heels in even more. I have repeatedly advised him not to be like this but it keeps happening. So most of getting them motivated falls on me and I'm not the one at home every day. So that's pretty frustrating.

Yes it has ruined our relationship. I'm with someone who has treat me like no one else ever has done but it's made me see something is missing. Sex is non existent and it's getting me down. I feel like he doesn't find me attractive or desirable. I've spoken to him about it but it makes no different. We haven't been together long in the grand scheme of things 3 years. Having teens in the house who are awake after we are isn't helping but it doesn't seem to bother him. It's made me realise I need more than this.

I've been considering ending things but I'm scared I'm making the wrong decision. Because he genuinely is a loving, caring guy and I know he loves me but lockdown has opened my eyes.

Yes dh is caring and I know he loves me, but I just don't think I feel the same any more like pp, something is missing.

I'm finding it's really getting me down as I have spoken to him about it and explained how I feel and how is affecting me. It's made no difference though.
Lockdown is just magnifying all the things that maybe normally I could get past and wouldn't be a huge issue and that's why I'm finding it difficult to come to a decision.

Today he’s had the day off work it’s an inset day so he’s been and done fun stuff with DD while whenever asked to have a day off to help with school he cant take the time, he’s spent some time listening in to my teams calls (unknown to me) and asking a lot of questions about a casual conversation I had with a member of my team after the meeting had finished,
Final nail the coffin so to say, minds made up am done, I really don’t want him in my life anymore

@coronafiona

Same here. Massive work and school expectations, I have been sinking fast / and dealing with it alone. He has supported me in no way at all. It has been absolute hell for me. I've been in tears every single day. He on the other hand ha s worked, yelled at the kids who are sick of Teams and bored of worksheets, and done his home workouts. He has done absolutely nothing to help me. I am trying to figure out how I can but a house for four of us on my own. It won't be easy. to you, you aren't alone x

Are the children his? If they are it's not a case of 'helping' you it's a case of pulling his weight/doing his fair share.

@coronafiona have you spoken to him about it?

I think there are so many of us feeling this way at the moment. Hold on in there. Hopefully by the end of the summer lots of people will be vaccinated and we can start getting back to some sort of normality.

@SuperHighway @NCTDN not yet. I'm too angry and hurt and I'm liable to say something I regret. I don't think making life changing decisions under these circumstances (lockdown, extreme stress of homeschool) is wise

Stop walking on eggshells.

Tell him in a gentle way how you are feeling, explain the issues and warn him this could be a dealbreaker for you in the end. It is better to give him the chance to change, to step up - he can't say then he wasn't warned and did not see it coming. If he chooses to do nothing, then that speaks volumes.

Yes we are all under stress from the pandemic, absolutely we should avoid making snappy decision but some honest straight talking, with solutions as to how things can change should still be happening.

Resentment and contempt are the main reasons for divorce.

If you have stopped caring, stopped even wanting things to be better your time would be better served quietly getting legal advice, and getting your house in order. Sometimes it just can not be salvaged.

Lots of and good vibes, OP. Times like these really do bring out the worst and best in people- and people do react so differently to stress!

For dh and me (+ 2 young adult children currently at home) this is not actually the worst time we've been through, so we already had a fair idea of where the pitfalls might lie.

Dh, though strong in a serious emergency (think, child in a coma), under less urgent circumstances has a tendency to go around sighing, which can quickly dampen down an entire household. Otoh he also knows that the reaction of his family to this is likely to be robust. Basically, it's about working out ways of pointing out his shortcomings gently so he doesn't end up painting himself in a corner. And for him to know that he needs to react in a way that doesn't make things worse for all of us.

I otoh get very sloppy when life is tough, careless, more untidy than usual, more withdrawn. Again, this puts stress on dh and he needs to be able to pull me up about it without making me too defensive.

We find humour works well for us. Also works well with teen children ime. You can get them to do the same thing, or even far more, by applying a lighter touch.

And it gets easier every time, because once something has been dealt with well and led to a successful negotiation, we both feel more confident and more inclined to trust the other person during the next disagreement.

I have it relatively easy as I don't live full time with my partner so get a break( well with my teens so not really a break) and also get a change of scene. But even with that luxury I have found myself becoming bored with him and getting irritated and snappy when/if he starts moaning and complaining about silly stuff.
Mind you I am absolutely and terribly bored with EVERYTHING atm. It worries me a bit.

I’m divorced so can’t talk about a relationship in the romantic sense, but can relate in the sense that I think this lockdown is ruining my relationship with the youngest of my three teens.

I hope that when this is eventually over things aren’t irreparably damaged between us.

Mind you I am absolutely and terribly bored with EVERYTHING atm. It worries me a bit.

Me too @BigButtons. I feel as if I just don’t care about anything anymore.

@recluse. I get irritated when I have to speak because I have no opinion on most things anymore- what's left to say about a weekly shop to the supermarket, battles with dc online learning. It's been the same old stuff for nearly a year, same faces, same problems, same buildings, same routine.
It's constantly gray and cold outside.
I've just ordered myself some 5htp because I can feel my mood slipping.
I snapped at DP yesterday and I wouldn't normally do that.

I would have said no, but DP has become a bit of a conspiracy theorist and it's really out me off him. I'm trying to be understanding but I just feel like rolling my eyes all the time. He really bangs on about it as well.