Has lockdown ruined your relationship

[NCTDN]

I'm not sure if I love dh any more. This last year has been so stressful and I'm starting to feel suffocated in the house. Two teenage children are finding being stuck at home really tough understandably, but as parents were just seem to permanently disagree over how we should handle them.
I have no desire for any sexual contact whatsoever despite dh saying her loves me.
I'm scared to actually voice my feelings so putting them on here is the first step I suppose. Is it the effect of lockdown- have others felt the same?

First lockdown really helped magnify the glaringly obvious facts of my marriage which I had been ignoring. Since then, I'm moved 4 hours away to be closer to family and am loving being on my own with kids rather than in a miserable marriage!

I hope you feel better soon @BigButtons 💛.

I am basically going to work, coming back, and doing nothing else - lying on my bed for ages just like my teens.

I’m hoping that the longer lighter days change how things feel.

@recluse I hope so too. Everyday I try and find small things which are good, it helps

Lockdown didn't ruin our relationship, it just threw a magnifying glass on all the issues that were already there, with limited opportunity to throw myself into other things to distract myself from them.

@Countrywalking

Please please listen to Love in lockdown, a podcast episode by the Times. It's on Spotify very very useful. Don't make any knee jerk reactions until we are out of lock down. It could be the pressures of lock down and not your partner.

I listened to this. I found it very useful.

I’ve always known my husband is driven, he has a high profile job and is immensely well rewarded. He used to be on the 06:30 and never home before 20:30. I always believed it was the job, but now I know it’s just him. He gained hours every day during lockdown and fills them with endless ‘improvement’ activities. I am so isolated from him. And he doesn’t care. We’re sleeping in separate rooms now. We won’t make it, and actually I find I mind about that less and less.

I'm in the middle of divorce. Technically I told him just before the first lockdown. Then the world went mad and somehow I agreed to try again. And to a certain extent in the first lockdown it was good, we got on better, he pulled his weight.

But as time went on I realised how hard I was "trying" to make it work. And it was exhausting. I'm much happier knowing he will be moving out in a few weeks.

It’s really interesting to read how other people’s relationships are coping with lockdown.
Mine was pretty good all last year until about October. It’s been downhill since then. DP is very very grumpy atm, works not going well, various outside pressures. My work is really busy and I’m incredibly bored, seriously considering a change of location or at least a long holiday neither of which he wants to do. Sex is non existent and we’ve a preschooler and baby.
I do remember reading on MN years ago that you shouldn’t take any major decisions about a relationship within a year of having a baby and I agree with pp that no major decisions in lockdown is a good idea. Just not sure we will manage to create a shared future as we leave lockdown when currently we both want different things. Like many other things in life it’s on pause.

I'm so glad I found this thread. Same as pp, cracks were there before the first lockdown but now they're enormous caverns. The trouble is neither of us is brave enough to actually say the words so we just continue on each day barely speaking for fear of another argument. Life hasn't changed all that much - he's frontline NHS so has worked throughout, I'm SAHM. I think that makes the decision harder as I have no idea how I'd support me and 2 DC if we leave (I have a preschooler and a baby so options are quite limited). It's a hopeless situation and very sad to see so many others facing this decision too. I know I'd be happier alone, but the DC, especially DD absolutely adore him.

@StiffyByng1

I’ve been feeling the same about “it’s the job/nope, just their personality”

He admitted it vaguely but isn’t doing anything about it. Not sure either of us even know how to live differently though.

I think I have what you call a cocklodger 😂 except I'm not even getting much of that

Amusing Honeysuckle

I left my wanker of a DH during first lockdown.

Best. Thing. Ever.

Hi. I'm sorry to read all of the struggles during lockdown.

I don't know whether this makes you feel better, but I'm the same, we were happy together before lockdown, although we would have a few horrible arguments very occasionally. He has bipolar and smokes, tries to quit on & off and he's horrible sometimes on patches. Moody.

We both work full time & have a 1 and 3 year old. Nurseries have been back open since July & that has been a lifesaver but this lockdown has made me realise how much I rely on my parents for support with the kids.

My partner works long hours, comes home just before the kids bed times a few times a week but sometimes after that. He works every Saturday & has worked a few Sundays too the last few months. I used to see my parents on Saturdays but without that support I've realised how much his work comes before family for him, & how much I solo parent.

When he is off, it is generally good but he always has a nap during the day, so again on my own with the kids. Not for too long though. I also do everything around the house.

There have also been incidents that make me wonder if I'm putting up with abuse... he has thrown things around during an argument, very occasionally has called me horrible names but stopped when I said I would leave. During an argument once last year he threatened to stab me in the neck, and came at me in a really aggressive way. I backed off physically, and nothing else happened. He blaims his anger issues on bad childhood, bipolar, stress of work etc. I stay because 99% of the time he is loving, caring & thoughtful.

Well, I said more than I was expecting! It's cathartic to type this out, and good to know it's not just me.

It hasn't ruined mine, but I am definitely quite exhausted by having zero time to myself. In the last 6 months I haven't had a single day on my own, which I feel I need to recharge fully, so I'm always running on nearly empty. He works from home while I go out to work 4 days a week. Even though he is working, he ends up wandering around the house after me and interrupting me when I am working on my side hustle. I have asked him to give me that space because it's important for me to work on it and get that alone time, but then he will go back downstairs and start playing his guitar or banging around 'tidying'. Again, I have told him to be a bit more aware and save those things for when I'm at work. He has four entire days to do that and get it out of his system, but he seems to save it all up for when I'm on my days off. I love him to bits but I can totally see how these lockdowns can break a relationship. I feel bad but I also can't wait for him to be able to go back to work once or twice a week. I can't wait for a day when I can tidy the whole house and not have it return to a shit tip within 4 hours of being done.

@Inch5h3l I have Bipolar, and although sometimes this has caused rage or anger when I'm unwell, it isn't an excuse. I work very hard with medication and self care to ensure that I am in control of my bipolar. I have therapy for childhood stuff for example.

Even if it is because of the bipolar (reason, not excuse) it is not OK for you to have to tolerate it. What if he does actually hit you?

First lockdown my OH moved in and we had some great times/days out etc. This time round, no way. I find myself incredibly bored doing nothing much with someone else in a way I don't by myself - if that makes sense? His finances are a mess and he's struggling, mostly due to lockdown - fed up with endless discussions about what to do. His lack of decision making is making me lose respect for him. He's drinking more, which in turn is making me drink more. Our sex life is non-existent. I just think I'm unhappy with life atm and what covid/lockdown has done to us rather than unhappy with him - so I'm holding out for better times.

Like other posters I think the lockdowns have been final straw in finishing off many relationships which had been hanging on, taking away all the opportunities for socialising, hobbies, etc which normally provide valuable space in relationship.

Fortunate personally that it's brought myself and partner closer but one of my siblings split from their spouse during 1st lockdown as the strain exposed how they had v little in common.

Whilst some relationships may have reached point of no return others may be able to survive hanging on in there bit longer as lockdown restrictions start to ease, kids return to school, days get longer and warmer,etc

Just mulling this over again. Commented previously upthread.

I keep dwelling on what I don't like about my relationship but at the same time noting DH's good qualities. Sometimes I can't bear to talk to him, at others we still have good conversations.

What I hate the most is his obsession with all things Covid. His work means he has some understanding of the medical/ scientific side which means he will pontificate or correct me over the slightest mention of vaccines etc.

I have mostly managed to stop him regaling me with the minutiae of every news story - I've snapped back enough, saying I read a news app! He'd have the news on TV 24/7 I think, if I let him.

But then there's less of interest to talk about. We talked of some past events earlier today and I felt like they were in another lifetime (but enjoyed reminiscing.)

Apart from Covid, we usually discuss one of our DC who is year 11 but struggling to work, and can be very difficult. I feel he blames me they haven't done much even though it's as much his responsibility as mine. Also he gets angry with them too easily- used to be so much more patient.

It's hard to tell how I really feel as most of the major irritations I have do relate to the pandemic.

And when I do get a day away ( go on long walks from time to time with a family member), I do feel more light hearted and "normal".

There again, there are long standing issues that predate the pandemic by many years (his untidiness, jobs that get left, sex issues etc etc). Actually he has been better re doing household chores, so that's a positive.

Roll on normality!