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Original poster

Could you settle?

52 replies

CatsNotDogs · 04/02/2021 11:06

He is as close to ideal as I've ever met. I've only known him for a short time really, but he's the real deal. I have trusted friends who have vouched for him. He's NOT a love bomber. Not one red flag. Not even a baby pink one. He is honest, caring, upstanding, attentive, he goes out of his way to make me feel special and to make time for me. He tells me my ex is "fucking stupid" and "must have been on crack" to let me go. He has turned down other dates / women for various incompatibility reasons but calls me a unicorn because I'm "impossible to find". I'm beautiful, fantastic, unique. He turned down various affair offers throughout his entire marriage despite it being rocky because it "wouldn't be right" (I know that should be a given but let's face it... is it fuck). He tells me he would be so proud to be with me, he hates seeing me upset. He wants to commit to me and give me everything I "deserve". He accepts all the faults I've pre-warned him about! He's listed about 10 different places he wants to take me to when the world reopens from an amusement park to Norway. He makes me laugh until I'm crying. We have similar humour, interests and outlooks, we both want a simple and non dramatic life. To have fun. He has an impressive, rewarding career. He is in great shape, he has a nice face. A lot of the things I prefer such as light stubble, brown eyes, good teeth. No baggage. He has the emotional intelligence a lot of men are completely incapable of understanding. I like kissing him, he's good in the sack (before lockdown... we'd had a few 🍷). Not clingy. Not possessive.

I don't "unfancy" him... but I don't fancy him. I don't look at him and think "I'm so jealous at the thought of you with anyone else". I care about him. But as far as sexual attraction goes I just think "meh". It's fucking shit. If I could fall for him I could finally be happy after years of one horrendous heartbreak after another from wankers who didn't give enough of a shit about me. Personality is 80% but it's not everything, you need the physical spark as well. Yes there's an option to settle but I don't think I could for very long, it just wouldn't be enough without the other part plus he deserves better than that. Someone who is really in love with him. I couldn't lie to him like that or fake passion. Why is it so utterly impossible to find that 50/50 connection? It's so annoying!! If I could press a magic button I would 😒

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 04/02/2021 13:19

He calls you a unicorn Hmm. Yep, that's a love bomb, promising to take you places, tells you often how great you are no doubt too. 2 months in he's still at the 'telling you what you want to hear' stage, of course all your interests match up well. Its way too early to tell, no harm in seeing how it goes, but don't commit or make promises, and if you don't fancy him, don't sleep with him. Soon enough you will become more definite about him, probably on the leave it side.

mindutopia · 04/02/2021 13:19

The not quite fancying thing wouldn't necessarily bother me if you both otherwise have an amazing time together, share the same values, long term ambitions, are really close, etc. When I met dh, I thought he was such a great guy and we had so much fun and really connected. But he was absolutely not my type and in a different circumstance, I wouldn't have given him the time of day just for really shallow reasons because he didn't fit the type of guy I fancied. It turns out the type of guy I fancied was mostly 'asshole'. But dh grew on me, and I fancy the pants off him now. We've been happily married over 10 years. You just met and I do think attraction can take time to grow, even when everything else is right.

But the whole thing about other women wanting him, being propositioned for affairs, talking badly about exes, etc. is a massive red flag. I mean I do have some truly crazy exes, some of whom had addiction issues, and I have probably told this to dh. But there is a different between talking shit about an ex and doing it to build yourself up as some sort of superhuman, and just talking about your past and your ex who was a twat. It takes time to talk about your past with people and open up. If he's spilled all of this so soon, I would assume it's for reasons that aren't very kind rather than just because he's being honest and open. It sounds manipulative to me and does sound like love bombing.

Eckhart · 04/02/2021 13:20

[quote CatsNotDogs]@Eckhart

Not in a relationship as I say it's only been a short time and it's obviously difficult to spend proper time together at the minute anyway. It's very much the "see what happens" stage. [/quote]
So you've met someone you don't fancy, and you're asking the internet whether to have a relationship with him.

Can you not answer that yourself? It's very plain: do you want a relationship with somebody you don't fancy, or don't you? If not, tell him you don't fancy him, but you could offer friendship, and perhaps your feelings will change.

Surely you have to be truthful, if nothing else? Otherwise, what foundation do you have for anything healthy?

Crumpetloverrr · 04/02/2021 13:20

I think that’s well over the top.

LifeExperience · 04/02/2021 13:26

"I just want to be loved an protected from all that." Your words, and it sounds like this is a man who could do that. I've been happily married for 31 years to a man like this, after a miserable first marriage to an alcoholic narcissist. The second time, a much wiser me married my best friend, a good, good man whom I knew would love me, take care of me, respect me, be a fabulous father and great companion. The great passionate spark fades, but if you've chosen well, the more valuable things endure for a lifetime.

BibbityBobbety · 04/02/2021 13:45

Gosh, I wouldn't jump to calling this love bombing. Crikey, some people do just fall hard for someone because they haven't been burnt and broken down by life yet. And planning future holidays.. well, i do that constantly even on my own! It is sad when any man who's open and honest about his feelings, doesn't want to mess about and actually wants a relationship pronto, is seen as desperate, or love bombing. Some people are just more emotionally effusive. There's no evidence in what you've said that he is being insincere.

However, forget all that. The fact you don't physically fancy him is the issue. The start of the relationship is when all the hormones are flying and you can't wait to rip each others clothes off. That's what makes relationships stick together even when things aren't good. It's also not something you can teach yourself to have. If you've had sex with him and still aren't feeling it..... I doubt you ever will. As lovely as he may be, I don't think you'll be fulfilled by someone you don't fancy. And eventually his niceness will just grate because you'll feel resentful and guilty for being in this awkward position.

Stinkywizzleteets · 04/02/2021 13:49

If it’s not there, it’s simply not there. You can stick with it and grow to love him but if he’s not what you want at the start will he really be what you want ten years down the line?

ChippyDucks150 · 04/02/2021 13:55

I had a friendship with a guy like this once, he was smart, funny, good job, rich, lovely manners, and totally into me, but I just didn't fancy him. In the slightest. I met my now husband around this time and we actually ran into him at the cinema when we were on an early date. I can remember his face fell when he saw us.
But you know, you can't force attraction. If it's not there, it's not there. I could have had a happy comfortable life with him, but I couldn't bring myself to live a lie really.

borntohula · 04/02/2021 14:34

It's sad to think how many people really are 'settling' here. Sorry the guys you're with have never expressed that they really like you but it doesn't mean you should piss all over someone else's chips. I mean, surely you know people show their feelings differently, right? Tbh I just think, like 'red flags,' 'ltb' and 'narc,' 'lovebombing' is thrown around far too freely.

Bananalanacake · 04/02/2021 15:06

Take it slowly. Make it clear you will not be moving in together if he asks.

MrsBobDylan · 04/02/2021 15:08

He's telling you what you want to hear. In your mind he is perfect because he has described how he is perfect.

You don't feel an attraction because deep down you can feel him pushing you towards a relationship.

He is undoubtably love bombing you. Sorry op.

Rgy3250999 · 04/02/2021 15:26

I personally wouldn’t have told someone who I had only been with a couple of months about my past and exes etc. All this making you feel better, wanting to be protected etc is allowing him to see you as vulnerable. You’re not starting this off as an equal; you’re the damaged person that is looking for someone to fix them (in his eyes) and hey presto, here he comes with his overly kind words and ways.

Presumably with lockdown, this couple of months of knowing each other isn’t actually knowing each other that well. After all, dating at the moment, isn’t normal dating. I think a lot of people are finding it easy to overshare because there’s too much time talking, speaking over the internet, texting etc - rather than actual dating. You’re getting too far into this emotionally, by telling each other too much, without actually having enjoyed much of the normal kind of dating. Be very careful you don’t get your heart broken from this one x

50shadesoflunacy · 04/02/2021 15:32

OP you are being love bombed.

Original poster
CatsNotDogs · 04/02/2021 16:06

Fuck me this place is odd sometimes. I just felt like a bit of an offload on how nice it would be to feel sexual attraction to the ones we think are probably genuine - I'm fully aware I don't know him very well yet! I've since been called deluded and immature, then warned against getting pregnant or moving in (moving in?!) with a "future faking lovebomber" who will probably also turn out at some point to be the local kiddy fiddler 🤣 for the posters who commented with more balanced non-man hating responses... thanks. Maybe it'll grow, maybe it won't. Cheers.

OP posts:
EarthSight · 04/02/2021 16:12

@honeysuckle21

I would say he's love bombing and desperate. Such an unattractive trait when men start boasting about the volumes of women they have to turn down like they are all hitting on him when in reality it's him. I think he has the 'gift of the gab' well practiced on all those women most probably. So if you really aren't bowled over by his attention then just be another one to let him go.
@honeysuckle21

This.

It just depends on the tone and how it was said though. If he actually said it and offered that information without you asking, and seemed quite proud of himself I would want to say 'What do you want? A fucking medal or something for not cheating on your wife???'. Some people might feel that way, especially if their ex treated them badly, but some things are best left unsaid!! He shouldn't be humblebragging.

EarthSight · 04/02/2021 16:15

@CatsNotDogs

Fuck me this place is odd sometimes. I just felt like a bit of an offload on how nice it would be to feel sexual attraction to the ones we think are probably genuine - I'm fully aware I don't know him very well yet! I've since been called deluded and immature, then warned against getting pregnant or moving in (moving in?!) with a "future faking lovebomber" who will probably also turn out at some point to be the local kiddy fiddler 🤣 for the posters who commented with more balanced non-man hating responses... thanks. Maybe it'll grow, maybe it won't. Cheers.
Lol. Is that an exaggeration or did someone really say that about him being a 'local kiddy fiddler'??? Honestly, I don't know anymore on Mumsnet!!
borntohula · 04/02/2021 16:42

@BibbityBobbety

Gosh, I wouldn't jump to calling this love bombing. Crikey, some people do just fall hard for someone because they haven't been burnt and broken down by life yet. And planning future holidays.. well, i do that constantly even on my own! It is sad when any man who's open and honest about his feelings, doesn't want to mess about and actually wants a relationship pronto, is seen as desperate, or love bombing. Some people are just more emotionally effusive. There's no evidence in what you've said that he is being insincere.

However, forget all that. The fact you don't physically fancy him is the issue. The start of the relationship is when all the hormones are flying and you can't wait to rip each others clothes off. That's what makes relationships stick together even when things aren't good. It's also not something you can teach yourself to have. If you've had sex with him and still aren't feeling it..... I doubt you ever will. As lovely as he may be, I don't think you'll be fulfilled by someone you don't fancy. And eventually his niceness will just grate because you'll feel resentful and guilty for being in this awkward position.

Definitely agree with your first paragraph. I don't agree that the very early stages are all about crazy attraction though, ime it deepens as you get to know someone.
GreatExpectationalized · 04/02/2021 17:14

OP, could you describe what you might feel is clear-cut love-bombing?

Original poster
CatsNotDogs · 04/02/2021 17:31

@GreatExpectationalized

Sure. If someone said they loved me and had fully booked a surprise weekend away together after 2 dates I would be gone like a fart in the wind. That is major lovebombing.

If someone says they think I'm beautiful after 2/3 months and if we're discussing mutual places of interest for instance Thorpe Park and he says "oh I'd love to take you there one day, hopefully in a few months if it opens" or casually talks about a city in another country he thinks I would like I'd say he was just pretty keen and probably trying to cheer us both up that having fun together could be on the horizon when this shit storm is all over.

OP posts:
Original poster
CatsNotDogs · 04/02/2021 17:33

Likewise if he started splashing out on extravagant presents or demanding constant attention etc 🚫

OP posts:
Masterpieceontheshelf · 04/02/2021 17:48

I have to say I was love-bombed and future-faked, I really thought the guy was genuine and lovely and just bowled over by me.....nope....I was dumped after a couple of months.
I really thought I would have been able to spot it (it was much more subtle than your guy) - I've been on MN a long time and thought I knew my shit when it comes to red flags, the intelligent, look like they've got their shit together guys are the worse for this as it doesn't look like they've got a reason to lie, but they do.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2021 18:39

Eurgh to anyone saying kiddy fiddler. Not sure if OP is repeating verbatim or jusy used the term herself. Either way... What a fucking horrible, minimising phrase.

KirstenBlest · 04/02/2021 18:41

Hear hear

Countrywalking · 04/02/2021 18:50

Why can't you just be single? Why would you force yourself to be with someone you don't fancy just so you're not alone

Seadad · 04/02/2021 20:00

I think romance needs a little mystery- a bit of a guessing game - a degree of something to make you feel vulnerable and yet desire intimacy. Your man seems a bit to nice and keen thats all. Maybe if he told you a few home truths and dumped you for a hotter option you'd feel differently? Lol

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