Could you settle?

[CatsNotDogs]

He is as close to ideal as I've ever met. I've only known him for a short time really, but he's the real deal. I have trusted friends who have vouched for him. He's NOT a love bomber. Not one red flag. Not even a baby pink one. He is honest, caring, upstanding, attentive, he goes out of his way to make me feel special and to make time for me. He tells me my ex is "fucking stupid" and "must have been on crack" to let me go. He has turned down other dates / women for various incompatibility reasons but calls me a unicorn because I'm "impossible to find". I'm beautiful, fantastic, unique. He turned down various affair offers throughout his entire marriage despite it being rocky because it "wouldn't be right" (I know that should be a given but let's face it... is it fuck). He tells me he would be so proud to be with me, he hates seeing me upset. He wants to commit to me and give me everything I "deserve". He accepts all the faults I've pre-warned him about! He's listed about 10 different places he wants to take me to when the world reopens from an amusement park to Norway. He makes me laugh until I'm crying. We have similar humour, interests and outlooks, we both want a simple and non dramatic life. To have fun. He has an impressive, rewarding career. He is in great shape, he has a nice face. A lot of the things I prefer such as light stubble, brown eyes, good teeth. No baggage. He has the emotional intelligence a lot of men are completely incapable of understanding. I like kissing him, he's good in the sack (before lockdown... we'd had a few 🍷). Not clingy. Not possessive.

I don't "unfancy" him... but I don't fancy him. I don't look at him and think "I'm so jealous at the thought of you with anyone else". I care about him. But as far as sexual attraction goes I just think "meh". It's fucking shit. If I could fall for him I could finally be happy after years of one horrendous heartbreak after another from wankers who didn't give enough of a shit about me. Personality is 80% but it's not everything, you need the physical spark as well. Yes there's an option to settle but I don't think I could for very long, it just wouldn't be enough without the other part plus he deserves better than that. Someone who is really in love with him. I couldn't lie to him like that or fake passion. Why is it so utterly impossible to find that 50/50 connection? It's so annoying!! If I could press a magic button I would 😒

I'll have him instead! Send him my way

I'd actually call all that love bombing. In the extreme!

It really isn't, though I can why it looks that way.

I would say he's love bombing and desperate. Such an unattractive trait when men start boasting about the volumes of women they have to turn down like they are all hitting on him when in reality it's him. I think he has the 'gift of the gab' well practiced on all those women most probably. So if you really aren't bowled over by his attention then just be another one to let him go.

I had a similar thread and was told that it wasn’t fair on him.

How long have you known him? love may grown or get deeper with time.
He sounds good!

If it's not there for you then let him go before he falls further in love with you. That's the kindest thing you can do. You might find what your looking for one day maybe not, but let him go because in time his imperfections will trouble & irritate you.

Okay so this is a intrusive question but since we’re anonymous...

Are you sure the ‘spark’ you talk about is actually what you want? Is it danger? Is it feeling of mystery (read emotionally unavailable).
The reason I ask is that I have a close friend who says she won’t ‘settle’ and chases the spark. They are without question not great guys and the men she passes up with make her so much happier. I just feel a bit sad for her and it always ends badly.

So what does it mean to settle? What is this spark and is the spark you speak of even a good thing?

Your trusted friends haven't had an intimate relationship with him either.

It's like the guy who everyone loves, pillar of the community and later on someone comes forward their child was molested by him or he turns out to be a rapist.

He's love bombing to the extreme.

Future faking and live bombing.

@Thingsdogetbetter

I'd actually call all that love bombing. In the extreme!

What, saying nice things? Get a grip.

@Itsnotlikethiswithotherpeople

Ah I see what you mean, the type of women who want the exciting bad boys then dump the decent one and moan that they're always getting hurt. Nope that's not me. I'm allergic to bullshit and drama. I'm an extremely intolerant person and I've no interest in any man who brings doubt or worry to my door. I just want to be loved and protected from all that. So by spark I don't mean danger and guessing games. I just mean I want to look at a guy, to feel a sexual attraction and to think to myself "I'm so proud you're mine" x

You're probably being lovebombed.

I 'settled' for someone who lovebombed me, then one day the scales fell from my eyes and I saw this unpleasant and unattractive man.

I think you don’t want the good guy, you want a man that will keep you on your toes and play mysterious and make you feel does he or doesn’t he like me, the chase. Let me tell you that kind are dicks!
I have a lot of assholes that the drama kept pulling me in. Then I met my husband he was so kind and very good looking everyone commented on his looks but I just didn’t get that excited. Because I always thought there must be something wrong if he likes me that much.
I gave him a chance and realised he was my best friend we connected on so many levels and I lost that silly wee girl mentality and he is actually gorgeous. 10 years and 4 kids later and I’ve never loved anyone this much and I fancy him and still get that feeling at pit of my tummy the butterflies thinking about what we did last night.
He sounds kind, attractive and on your wave length, he is just missing the wanker title for you 😄
When I look at my dick exes now they really were not good looking at all they just were bad boys that gave me the thrill wanting to be the one they settled down for.

When you say you've only known him a short time, what do you mean?

He sounds like a nice friend to have, not a partner.

@Flyingf1edgelings

With all due respect you could not be more wrong.

I've known him for a couple of months.

That is screaming love bombing .... It's actually rather embarrassing.

The fact that you're posting is all you should need to know. You're looking for external validation because you are not sure about him.

All the other details are irrelevant. It doesn't matter whether any of us would settle. You are in a relationship with a man who you acknowledge doesn't offer you what you want.

He sounds lovely but that doesn't mean you should be in a realtionship with him. Otherwise all women should be in a relationship with him! There has to be compatibility, and you wouldn't be posting if there was, in the way that you want it.

Yes it's annoying, but so what? Let someone else have him. Find someone who doesn't have you posting on forums because you don't feel you're getting what you want from your relationship. Respect your needs.

Oh god, he told you he was being propositioned for affairs throughout his marriage,,cmon op . Sure he was😂

He sounds desperate to me too and you don’t even fancy him, so likely most other women don’t either and he knows it.

A couple of months is not long... But, if passion is not their now, I don't suppose it ever will. You can't force it. Something isn't working, be it chemistry, pheremones.... who knows. Attraction works in mysterious ways huh?

I don't think settling is fair - on him, or ultimately on you.

Any man who is saying that to a woman he’s known for 8 weeks in a global pandemic MUST be love bombing tho to some degree. He doesn’t KNOW you any more than you really know him. You giving him a list of your defects is not him “knowing” you. At all. You both sound a bit deluded and immature to be honest.

It would have been game over for me, at 'unicorn' 🤢

@Bluntness100 I started a conversation with him about women asking guys out, following an article I'd read. I asked if a woman had ever asked him out, it was just a random conversation. He said he had been propositioned a couple of times but as he was married at the time he'd said flattered thank you but no. So it wasn't exactly bragging.

Why not be honest with him? That is, after all, the barometer of the health of a relationship.

'You're amazing, but I'm not sure we should stay together because I just don't fancy you.'

Do you think he'd want to stay with you?

If you can't say it to him, ask yourself why you'd want to be with someone when you can't express your true feelings to them.

@Eckhart

Not in a relationship as I say it's only been a short time and it's obviously difficult to spend proper time together at the minute anyway. It's very much the "see what happens" stage.

You don’t know if he’s as close to ideal as you’ve ever met. Because you’ve only know him a short time.

Go on dating him , don’t move togther and don’t get pregnant, even by accident. Use a hormonal AND barrier method.

Watch very carefully for more red flags - he is already love bombing you and future faking.

I know you really want to believe that you are so smart you would see through it and he’s not the type. But there’s no type of women who fall for this and you are not, with respect, cleverer than all of them.

Surgeons, psychiatrists, counsellors, university academics, research scientists, barristers, CEOs - they all fall for plausible charming men and get into unhealthy relationships. You are In fact more at risk because you think you have special powers to discern it. And you’re wrong .

Please go carefully .