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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Lady’s feedback please

64 replies

Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 22:19

Hi, This will sound all kinds of wrong I’m sure but I do need some advice as I can’t talk about this matter with anyone I know. I have been in a relationship almost 11 years. In those years he has never brought me flowers or brought me a gift apart from a few collectible coins which he picks up ever so often through out the 11 years.
I get him gifts and always celebrate his birthday but he has never done that for me. It took him eight years before he even wished me a happy birthday. He said today that he wanted flowers for Valentine’s Day. I have sent him flowers in the past but he has never done this for me. After that comment it made me feel uncomfortable and I felt as if I was a little worthless. I’m sure it’s me being awful to even mention this and it probably sounds like I’m materialistic. It just made me feel sad inside. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Thank you for any advice you can offer.

OP posts:
Punching · 03/02/2021 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pog100 · 03/02/2021 22:24

Of course you aren't wrong, sounds like a shit, one-sided relationship to me. What do you get out of it? Is he kind or attentive or nice in any other ways?

User0ne · 03/02/2021 22:27

Surely in 11years you've had a discussion about this? What did you say/he say?

If not you've got bigger problems than we can fix.

I wouldn't be entirely surprised if this is a reverse though

honeysuckle21 · 03/02/2021 22:27

He doesn't sound very kind and sad he hasn't followed your example of giving.
Think if this relationship is really good for you overall?

Original poster
Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 22:39

So we both work full time and whoever is in first cooks so that’s not a problem. If I asked him to do something for me I’m sure he would but that’s the problem, it wouldn’t mean anything if I asked for it and that’s why he got it. When he mentioned the flowers this afternoon I said to him I have in fact brought you flowers a few times throughout these years. He just didn’t reply. I make sure he has a birthday cake every year and he doesn’t do anything for me. I am starting to think it’s because he doesn’t think I’m worth anything. That’s just how I’m feeling about it now.

OP posts:
VirtualLearning · 03/02/2021 22:42

I think you need to say that to him and am surprised you haven’t ?

VirtualLearning · 03/02/2021 22:44

It sounds like he only thinks about himself which may not be correct at all but very hard to know from outside the relationship . I would definitely let him know how you feel and at best he’s just been thoughtless not realising it mattered to you , but he needs to know it can bother you and hopefully make an effort as a result

funnylittlefloozie · 03/02/2021 22:49

Why haven't you asked him why he never wishes you happy birthday? Are you someone who prides herself on being an independent, strong, tough cookie, and doesn't "need" wimpy girlie things like flowers, or affection?

I was one of those; prided myself on being low-maintenance and "cool". What I actually was, was unloved, unrespected,
and hugely resentful.

What would happen if you flat out told him you felt unappreciated and wanted him to be a bit more considerate?

Dery · 03/02/2021 22:53

It’s hard to tell from your posts whether you have discussed what you want with him. It sounds like you haven’t. But you’ve been together 11 years. What’s kept you with him if you don’t feel valued?

Original poster
Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 22:57

I did tell him that it upsets me that he never even wishes me a happy birthday and then he now does. I have spoken to him about things that upset me but he just replies he is sorry and nothing changes. It doesn’t matter how upset I get or how I tell him nothing ever changes. He will just act as if we haven’t spoken about it.

OP posts:
Dilbertian · 03/02/2021 22:57

I am starting to think it’s because he doesn’t think I’m worth anything.

You're right.

Dilbertian · 03/02/2021 22:58

But that does not mean he's right.

tenlittlecygnets · 03/02/2021 22:58

What do you get out of the relationship?

If he celebrates his birthday, how can he justify not celebrating yours?!

What have you said to him about it? And what did he say in reply?

Why would you buy him birthday presents if he ignores your birthday?

What's the rest of your relationship like?

Eckhart · 03/02/2021 22:58

Your issue is that you think you can be wrong to feel a particular way. Your feelings are who you are. They are the very core of you; the real you.

Do you realise what you are dismissing and minimising when you question whether the core of you is wrong, simply for existing in its natural state?

This isn't about flowers and gifts. This is about self invalidation, and how it leads to relationships in which we are regularly invalidated by others, and we accept this; we question ourselves, rather than the behaviour of the other person. I would bet that he often makes you feel like this, and probably in ways you can't quite put your finger on - just a general feeling that he is superior to you, that his feelings are more important than yours.

But the fact is, he's doing things, and you don't like them. That needs to be communicated, OP. Your boundaries, your responsibility.

What would happen if you told him how you felt, in the same calm, composed way you've told us? How would he respond? He'd tell you you were being silly, probably. Am I miles off the mark?

lottiegarbanzo · 03/02/2021 22:59

So what do you do on your birthday usually? Do you celebrate with other people?

No-one asks for things for Valentine's Day, that's just weird. It's definitely a 'get what you're given, if you're lucky' festival. You should counter by telling him what you want for Pancake Day, just to emphasise the weird randomness of all this.

Original poster
Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 22:59

I think I have stayed with him because I love him and dare for him. He always tells me he loves me and we get on most of the time. It’s just his not emotional or romantic or even thoughtful. I feel like I’m the selfish one who inside wants more.

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 03/02/2021 23:11

But if you love someone, you want to make them happy. You've told him what would make you happy, and he has completely ignored you. That suggests that he doesn't love you and care for you to any significant degree. Is this a relationship you can see yourself growing old in?

Original poster
Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 23:12

Eckhart- you are spot on. So he has done a few things over the years which have I feel unhappy with and which has upset me. I have spoken to him about those things but his response is always either to say sorry and then pretend the conversation didn’t happen or he will say “ I understand how you feel, I’m sorry you feel that way”. I feel his always patronising and he speaks to me as I’m the child. Someone asked what I do for my birthday and the answer is nothing it’s just a normal day which he never does anything different on that day. I feel as if I’m being spoilt by wanting more. Should I just not be grateful.

OP posts:
TurnsOutIQuit · 03/02/2021 23:15

Grateful for what? He doesn't give you anything?

FolkyFoxFace · 03/02/2021 23:23

If DH had never so much as acknowledged my birthday, he wouldn't be my DH. It's not a case of being grateful or ungrateful - even a basic 'happy birthday' and a card doesn't take much. I've bought presents and cards for work colleagues I'm not even hugely close to, just because it's a nice thing to do and I think they deserve it.

It's not grabby to expect flowers or a small gift for your birthday, from your partner. Especially when he gets it himself.

Aside from that, his attitude sounds awful. "Sorry you feel that way" isn't a real apology.

He sounds horrible.

Original poster
Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 23:25

TurnsOutIQuit- I don’t know, he doesn’t give me anything but he is violent or a consistent cheater. Don’t get me wrong I think he would if someone tried it on but he hasn’t so far I don’t believe.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 03/02/2021 23:27

Should I just not be grateful

There is no 'should' about feelings. Except that everybody should respect their own feelings, and surround themselves with others who also respect them.

You're not a child. You would like to do things for your birthday. You would like to be treated and made to feel special. You would like to receive thoughtful gifts. You would like romance in your life. You would like to be listened to. You would like to be treated as an equal.

If somebody else told you they had those feelings, would you tell them to shut up because they were being unreasonably demanding?

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 23:29

I think he sounds awful. What an unthoughtful/uncaring husband. He just doesn’t think of you.

StrugglingICUnurse · 03/02/2021 23:29

You are not really selling his redeeming qualities. What does he do to improve your life?

Embarrasedaf · 03/02/2021 23:30

Buy yourself something for Valentine’s Day.