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Original poster

Lady’s feedback please

64 replies

Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 22:19

Hi, This will sound all kinds of wrong I’m sure but I do need some advice as I can’t talk about this matter with anyone I know. I have been in a relationship almost 11 years. In those years he has never brought me flowers or brought me a gift apart from a few collectible coins which he picks up ever so often through out the 11 years.
I get him gifts and always celebrate his birthday but he has never done that for me. It took him eight years before he even wished me a happy birthday. He said today that he wanted flowers for Valentine’s Day. I have sent him flowers in the past but he has never done this for me. After that comment it made me feel uncomfortable and I felt as if I was a little worthless. I’m sure it’s me being awful to even mention this and it probably sounds like I’m materialistic. It just made me feel sad inside. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Thank you for any advice you can offer.

OP posts:
mumieone · 03/02/2021 23:31

OMG - he is the prize 'clearly'. Relationship rule no. 1 - you are the prize not the man. If the man doesn't make you feel like the prize then 'he is the prize' and you will forever be under romanced, over worked and play the lead role in making him feel great on that pedestal he feels he deserves. Sounds like he thinks 'you are the lucky one' to have him.

It's easy to spot these men in the early days. Don't pay compliments on anything, prefer you to organise dates, think valentines/birthday/christmases are over rated. The only budget they are willing to spend on you is a little cheap charm.

SuperHighway · 03/02/2021 23:36

Set your bar higher. My goddaughter is 23 and awesome. She started dating a new boyfriend last year. He didn't send her a Christmas card and she read him the riot act. She told him if he wants to be with her then he needs to accept that he needs to put effort into occasions such as Christmas and birthdays. He won't make that mistake again. Know your worth OP.

Original poster
Marcellauk · 03/02/2021 23:39

In the beginning he was all for his friends, partying and going on boys holidays while leaving me behind. I generally don’t understand how it has got to this point and it hasn’t improved. I get company from him snd nothing much else. He pay complements now only because it took him years to say anything nice to me snd he said the reason he didn’t was because he is shy. I don’t know what to do. I think if I could afford to leave I would. We pay half of everything each apart from I pay for the kids. I’m also 40 am I too old to walk away from this.

OP posts:
Eckhart · 03/02/2021 23:42

I’m also 40 am I too old to walk away from this

How very dare you? I'm in my mid 40s and consider myself a whippersnapper!

mumieone · 03/02/2021 23:45

Oh goodness. Lads holidays. I know a guy like this. He is 51 goes on lads holidays every single year. He is absolutely useless at paying any women a nice compliment 'just a bit dozy' - totally flunked charm school. However, tall, got a great job/car/house and to look at girls will think WOW. But he is not the type to compliment, buy a christmas gift or card....it doesn't cross his mind at all. I think your partner is like this. It's a character flaw - infact I see it as a handicap like a 'disability' in a way. They can't change how they are... it's how they are born.

Eckhart · 03/02/2021 23:49

They can't change how they are... it's how they are born

Balderdash. Anybody can be more complimentary and thoughtful if they want to. Don't absolve this man of the responsibility to respect his partner's feelings. He's minimising her emotions because he's thoughtless, not because of a birth defect.

MarkRuffaloCrumble · 03/02/2021 23:51

Are they both of your kids? If so why do you pay for them?

If not, definitely leave him. He’s setting an awful example to them about to treat someone you’re supposed to love. Your kids will see this as the template for a relationship and gravitate towards someone like him - you all deserve better.

It’s not grabby or greedy to expect someone to treat you on a special occasion - it doesn’t need to cost much, or even cost anything - it really is the thought that counts.

mumieone · 03/02/2021 23:53

Get him a gift voucher for his valentines gift which he has to personally collect himself at the local florist. The voucher will be for a prepaid bouquet of flowers to yourself with a hand written note to yourself 'from him' saying how he appreciates you and how sorry he never thought to get you flowers until this day. Let him collect it and bring it home. Let's see what he says.

ktp100 · 03/02/2021 23:59

WTF?

No, this isn't normal and no, you shouldn't be putting up with it!!

I'd be telling the cheeky git if he wanted any more flowers or birthday/christmas gifts he can bloody well start giving them himself!

What a cheeky shit he is!!

Onthedunes · 04/02/2021 00:15

He has conditioned you to expect nothing.

My advice would be to get him exactly what he has given you.
And put in as much effort into occasions as he does.

Or leave him he's a selfish bastard.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/02/2021 00:21

I’m also 40 am I too old to walk away from this.

Absolute bullshit. You've wasted 11 years, don't waste even one more.

IveNameChangedAgain2020 · 04/02/2021 00:22

He's a user. Stop it right now. He's benefiting because he knows you'll look after him and treat him regardless. So stop. Have some self respect. And when he asks where his presents are, tell him he never treats you and you're tired of being his mug. He'll either change or leave. Both fantastic outcomes

Sugarandteaandmum · 04/02/2021 07:19

I knew this would be the tip of a massive iceberg. Poor you, OP. I think this thread might just be about to help you realise he's a mean potentially abusive loser.

Are you married? Who owns the house? What do you mean you "pay for the children"? Who does the housework? Do you have equal access to all the spending and saving money?

As well as his emotional coldness I am afraid you may be able to point to other things wrong in this relationship.

And he might cheat (or get violent?), just hasn't yet?? Why do you say that?

lottiegarbanzo · 04/02/2021 08:23

He hasn't been violent yet. He isn't a consistent cheater (just an inconsistent one? just hasn't done it yet but you know he will? In which case I'd suggest you know he has already).

You pay for the children? Your shared children? That's not a marriage. You're just a convenient 'bolt on family' for a very selfish, greedy man.

You're only 40, you're still at the peak of your mental and physical powers and fully able to organise yourself and DC to separate from him.

You've spent 11 years with him. If you stay, you could end up with him for another 33 or 44 years. One sixth of your adult life isn't so much. Five sixths of it really is a lifetime.

Not that I think you'll muddle along together companionably until your 80s. You've said he's the type to have affairs. You've outlined his enormous sense of entitlement. He will definitely be having affairs with younger women as you age.

You can hang about as housemaid and nanny, supporting his lifestyle, or you can seek a bit of freedom and dignity for yourself.

TC68 · 04/02/2021 08:33

Bless you - sounds very one sided and of course you want to feel loved and cherished and this can be done not in a materialistic way - even small gestures mean so much - it sounds like he lacks thoughtfulness and creativity. I dated a man for 3 years - he never celebrated my birthday but welcomed the gifts I gave to him on his birthday - at Christmas he set a £5 limit to buy a gift from a charity shop! Sometimes you have to just accept people are not as thoughtful as ourselves x

TimetohittheroadJack · 04/02/2021 08:41

11years and he's never as much as bought you a birthday gift? I'd stop buying him anything, and buy myself flowers for Valentine's Day.

What age are your kids? Do they notice their mum getting nothing for her birthday?

Longdistance · 04/02/2021 08:55

Hang on, did you write that he’s cheated? I bet he’s spending his money on other women. Give him the elbow and that’s the only thing he’ll be getting for valentines.

emily372 · 04/02/2021 09:01

Have you both considered marriage counselling? There seems to be some serious issues here that run deeper than just flowers and saying happy birthday. There feels like there's a lot of tension and it can't go on any longer, you can't be miserable for the rest of your life, you're only 40. You could meet the man of your dreams but you're wasting time on this piece. If you must keep this marriage and you want it to work then get some counselling and see if anything can be resolved? It feels like you let this run too long now

Original poster
Marcellauk · 04/02/2021 09:15

Sugarsndteasndmum- The house is his house he got it when we were about five years in. I was upset with that as he didn’t buy it with me but I just let that slip. I pay for the children but if they needed something he would pay but he doesn’t think of things they need so it just works out I do all of that. He does the house work and is good with all of that. My money is mine and his is his. No sharing with money. Before lockdown he would go out every weekend to the pub with a group of his friends but he would never invite me. I know that they sometimes bring their wife’s and girlfriends. I have addressed all of this with him but he just replies “ I’m sorry you are upset, I love you so much, I’m sorry you feel that way” .
In the past I have told him I’m not happy snd things do need to change but he replies “ I love you” which isn’t an answer. It makes me so angry inside I end up having to step away from the conversation as it tells me that “ I make him ill with stress” when I bring up anything. As he doesn’t like to argue. I feel he uses that as a weapon to keep me silent.

OP posts:
Foward · 04/02/2021 09:16

Reverse.

Eckhart · 04/02/2021 09:20

You're basically having your feelings totally dismissed, in your primary relationship. This is very damaging.

You need to take responsibility for making it stop. You could simply say to him 'I need you to start taking notice of my emotions, Bob, or this relationship will end.'

How would you feel about doing that? How would he react?

Juno231 · 04/02/2021 09:21

Life is too short OP, why are you spending it with someone who doesn't seem to care about you or your feelings?

Soboredofcorona · 04/02/2021 09:22

Yes, you love him, but you can easily love another person. One who treats with with care and compassion.

Yesterday, my DP came home with a bouquet of roses and tulips as I was having a bit of a low day. My dog has anxiety and refused to walk in a place I enjoy walking and I was fed up as it was a beautiful sunny day and we just had to go home. Such a small thing, but my partner knew how I was feeling and wanted to cheer me up.

I’ve had boyfriends who have been rubbish on birthdays etc and it makes you feel so rubbish. You’ve been with this person a long time so it will be a hard decision to make, but if you don’t have kids, consider the kind of life you’d like to have.

Original poster
Marcellauk · 04/02/2021 09:24

Longdistance- I don’t think he has cheated but a few years ago I found he had secret social media, when I had a look I could see he had added mostly women which I don’t believe he knew and had been flirting with them. It really upset me as I didn’t understand why he would hide it. His reply was that it was never hidden and that he has done nothing wrong and he is sorry that I’m upset. When I read how he was flirting with them it was clear to me that if any of those women took it a step further he would of also. He never really feels he does anything wrong it’s also me being to emotional. Which is what he tells me.
I have pre teens and I do very well with hiding my feelings in front of them. The children are very kind and always try and make my birthday special and are not like he is. Counselling he will not do as I have asked many times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Marcellauk · 04/02/2021 09:29

Eckhart- I have said this a few times mostly years ago and I told him I was unhappy and would leave. He never said “no” or anything like that he just said “ I’m sorry I upset you, I love you, I’m sorry you feel this way” never that he will change. Then he always asks me if I’m feeling down and maybe I need to go back on anti depression medication. I feel powerless. I must say I didn’t expect so many people on here to think the same which has opened my eyes more. This has really helped me.

OP posts: