Lady’s feedback please

[Marcellauk]

Hi, This will sound all kinds of wrong I’m sure but I do need some advice as I can’t talk about this matter with anyone I know. I have been in a relationship almost 11 years. In those years he has never brought me flowers or brought me a gift apart from a few collectible coins which he picks up ever so often through out the 11 years.
I get him gifts and always celebrate his birthday but he has never done that for me. It took him eight years before he even wished me a happy birthday. He said today that he wanted flowers for Valentine’s Day. I have sent him flowers in the past but he has never done this for me. After that comment it made me feel uncomfortable and I felt as if I was a little worthless. I’m sure it’s me being awful to even mention this and it probably sounds like I’m materialistic. It just made me feel sad inside. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Thank you for any advice you can offer.

I have to say I'm very sad for you that you have lived with this for so long. Why do you think that this is all you deserve?

It sounds like he just trots out some lines and you just accept them. This is no way to live.

And you are not too old to walk away from this. You are only 40. That's quite young.

Goodness me, you have been a passive passenger in your life. You have noticed all of the things he does or doesn't do, try to change it and when it doesn't change you just shrug your shoulders? Why? 40???? You are so very young to get a grip on your life, leave and have a fulfilling life without this man. Why wait? Go get some assertiveness counselling and move on as soon as you can. He will continue to use you for as long as you remain his doormat.

If you find it hard to leave him for your own sake then please consider the fact that your kids are being taught that this is what a relationship looks like.

That it's ok for one partner to call the shots while the other increasingly becomes a shell of themselves.

That it's ok for a man to do fuck all for his partner's special days even though his are celebrated.

That preteen children have to make more effort than their father because it's ok for dads to be emotionally disconnected from the family.

They will think it's ok for a man to dictate the mood of a family.

They will expect to be treated the way he treats you by a partner in the future if they are girls.

If they are boys they will think it's ok to treat a partner how he treats you in future.

You're still young in the grand scheme of things!! You could meet someone else and have a healthy, happy, fun, equal relationship once you've left this wanker and had some counselling to unravel why you've been so passive and why you tolerated being treated this way.

This is one of the saddest threads I've read on here. Why are you putting up with this?

So:

1. He has a secret profile on-line that, he set up to flirt with other women. Even though he knows this makes you sad.

1. He doesn't pay for his own children. Even though he knows this makes you sad.

1. He doesn't acknowledge your Birthdays, or ever make a fuss of you and make you feel special. Even though he knows this makes you sad.

1. He goes out with his mates and their wives, but you're not invited. Even though he knows this makes you sad.

But you don't want to separate because he doesn't hit you? Am I reading this right?

You are not cherished, and everyone deserves to be someone's number 1.

40 is not too old to start again. Do you want to be with this dickhead for another 40? I started again at 38. Different back story - my 1st H cheated a lot. I met a lovely new man, and we are now married and 12 years in.

If you were to separate you would get child maintenance from him, and possibly some tax credits. Look at the figures. Make a plan.

For context, I had a birthday recently. I came down to a lounge filled with balloons, happy birthday banners, lots of presents etc, and after dinner a surprise cake with candles and one of those cake sparkler things. Not saying this to rub anything in your face, but this is what you're missing. I might add that DH was rubbish at getting me a birthday cake in the early years. I made it clear that on Birthdays everyone deserves a cake, and now I get one every year.

Anyway, yeah, I'd start with looking at the sums. Start thinking about how to leave him, at least have a plan. In the meantime, treat him the way that he treats you. No Valentines gifts, no birthday gift/card/cake. No Christmas presents.

You sound grateful to be with him, for some reason. Why?

Why didn't you think you could do any better? Why don't you think he should feel grateful to have you? Why are you so 'low value' to yourself, as well as to him?

That's cruel. How dare he ask for something when he never gets you anything ! ! No no no. Wrong. Tell him to fuck right off

@Marcellauk

Eckhart- I have said this a few times mostly years ago and I told him I was unhappy and would leave. He never said “no” or anything like that he just said “ I’m sorry I upset you, I love you, I’m sorry you feel this way” never that he will change. Then he always asks me if I’m feeling down and maybe I need to go back on anti depression medication. I feel powerless. I must say I didn’t expect so many people on here to think the same which has opened my eyes more. This has really helped me.

Your feelings are absolutely 100% totally and completely valid, and worthy of recognition and respect. If you can grasp this, it will change your life. It doesn't matter if 150 people on MN agree with you or not. Even if everybody had said you were wrong, you still need to put validity into your feelings yourself.

This is where success lies in life. This is how you get people who make massive successes of themselves, emotionally and practically; people tell them they're wrong, they consider it, and then, crucially, they make their own decision, based on their feelings, not anybody else's.

The power is yours. You don't just say you'll leave. You leave.

At the moment you're the equivalent of somebody who wants to get fit, and buys a gym membership, and then never goes. Saying it is just some words, and nothing more.

Here is a key thing: The bit of you that gets angry is the real you. It's the voice you need to listen to. You don't have to get angry with him, behaviourally, but listen to what that voice says. 'I deserve better', 'stop ignoring me', 'you never f!%cking listen to me!' There's little point in telling him these things, he doesn't care. But start listening to what that voice is telling you. It will tell you when your boundaries are being crossed; it'll tell you what you don't like; it'll tell you what you want instead.

Stop silencing the real you; that's what he does, and what you're so pissed off with him for.

He's too shy to say happy birthday to his partner? Is he also too shy to eat food you make him? Too shy to go to bed with you?
Weird non-excuse for not managing the very minimum of polite behaviour.

People break up with or lose their partners at all ages - 40, 50, 60 ... there's no age limit. You're effectively already living on your own, by the sound of it, so him leaving won't make much of a difference, will it?

Did you not have a normal/pleasant family life growing up?

Perhaps you would not need antidepressants if you were able to speak your truth and had someone who listened to you respectfully.

He is basically stealing from you - you aren't building up equity in the house and you aren't married, right? You are paying all the stuff for the children. Please don't say you are also contributing to his mortgage? If so he is able to save and save for his future while you have nothing.

Perhaps you would not need antidepressants if you were able to speak your truth and had someone who listened to you respectfully

Exactly. Being disrespected all day every day can give you depression in the first place. Staying and taking pills isn't the route out.

Thank you all so much. Just to answer a few questions I don’t pay towards the mortgage as the cost of everything is split so we pay the same amount just on different things.
Someone mentioned my childhood, yes it was abusive I would say extremely and I believe that has contributed to the choice of relationship I’m in now. There are many things wrong with this relationship and there has been from the start. Inside I have always known it but there has always been a part of me that just lets things happen without me speaking up.
Things have changed with me since posting for help on MN. I continue to read the comments because it has helped me see more clearly what is really going on.
I don’t want to stay with him anymore and I spoke to him about this. He brushed it off and did what he always does. I have decided I will leave him and am taking steps to do this. Not because of the gifting or neglect over these 11 years but the fact that he treats me as I’m the lucky one.
One thing I never mentioned and I know one knows but I want to let it out. He went away to another part of the UK to visit friends, in that time I had a builder in which I got from one of the sites you see advertised on tv. He attacked and assaulted me in my own home with my children in another room. After the incident the police was called snd I called him to come home and instead of jumping in his car he asked me “ do you want me to come back home”. From that moment I knew I wasn’t loved or even cared for. I don’t have family here in the UK and I am not close to them. No one knows what his response was and I kept it from everyone.
Thank you for letting me open up and taking the time to help me see what a mess I am in.
Thanks again!

Sorry backtracking, you are not married are you?

Is the house in both names?

It sounds as though you could speak forever listing all the hurtful and unkind actions he has done.
What are you waiting for, permission to be told he is horrible.
He is more than horrible and you are correct, always have been correct that he is lacking in any type of care for you.
Very selfish individual.

Were you waiting for him to change, for him to grow older and suddenly realise he's neglected you so much, you have earnt that havn't you by being such a devoted wife?

It won't happen, he will never realise what you have done for him, what you have put up with for him, you will not be rewarded.

I used to feel as you, so neglected and hoping that if I waited long enough things would change.

In the end you wait so long you forget what you're waiting for.

Onthedunes: we are not married, he never asked and as the years went on I no longer wanted to. I am not happy and I don’t want to stay anymore. I am working on stepping away from the relationship, it’s difficult but it’s something I’m actively looking into. Not being married might help somewhat. Financially I need to sort myself out so I’m able to step away.