Husband's concerning lack of care towards myself and DC

[Offendingone]

On meeting DH, he seemed extremely caring, generous and attentive.
When I married him and we moved in together (lived apart until this point due to different locations), things gradually started to change.

It was so gradual that we had 2 children. Then, things really surfaced.

He very much lacks care when I or DCs are ill, or any of us are upset or in need of love, reassurance or general care. Practically speaking he can be helpful. But he behaves as if we're inconveniencing him.

DC1 got very upset at the weekend as she divulged to me that she feels like "Daddy doesn't care, he keeps telling me I'm ok when I'm not and tells me that I haven't hurt myself when I have."

I've tried to be the caring, attentive parent due to DHs lack of care, but it clearly hasn't been enough.

His lack of care towards me has eroded away my sense of worth over the years and I'm planning on leaving him. Just this morning, I was awoken at 5.30 am with horrendous stomach cramps due to a chronic stomach condition I have. I was curled into a ball crying on the floor of the bathroom, when he got up to go to the toilet. He literally, looked at me, went to the toilet and then went back to bed without a word. It's been 3 months since my last flare so hardly like I'm doing this every week.

Now he can see that I feel better, he has said "are your period pains ok now?"
I rolled my eyes at him and he has said "why are you in a bad mood?!"

His lack of care has led to him not checking the childrens temperature when in his care and they are clearly poorly and more worryingly, delaying calling an ambulance when DC collapsed and became unconscious. Luckily, I was there and called them myself despite me screaming at him to do so and him saying "let's just see if she comes around."
She'd actually had a hypo and was admitted after being taken to hospital in an ambulance.

If the DCs are ill, he'll proceed to meet friends in the pub (pre-lockdown) and drink enough that he doesn't wake to DCs during the night, leaving all of the care work to me.

He has recently divulged that he never cried when his grandmother died, but was concerned that her death would impact of the upcoming family holiday. I know kids can react like this when they don't understand the meaning of death, but I'm wondering if congitively, there might be something wrong?

He's a very hands on Dad most of the time and we will be looking at shared custody of DCs, but his lack of care towards them bothers me enormously. I'm having counselling due to the way I've been made to feel invisible and like I don't matter, but his behaviour still impacts us all.

He has since attended first aid training since the ambulance incident, which helps, but I know that overall, I can't make him care more about things he ought to.

How do I protect myself and DCs from this?

I’m going to get flamed for this, but do you have any reason to think he may have autism or similar ?
Are his parents still alive, can you ask what he was like as a child ? Is this normal for him or has he become like this ?

My dad has Aspergers and is exactly like this!

He sounds boderline psychopathic

Perhaps have a look through here. You may see some parallels.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4112286-Married-to-someone-with-Aspergers-support-thread-5

I came on to say similar.

Just to warn you, a whole heap of people will be very angry and say that he's just a dick, that awful behaviour isn't caused by autism etc.
However, a lot of men with ASD behave like this.

What has he said when you’ve spoken about it? Does he recognise there’s an issue? My DH is not the same but we have a long standing issue where I feel he is quite cold towards illness, always thinks it’s not a big deal, and will not give sympathy. When he can at other times, it’s about physical illness. We have and can talk about it, and he has insight into aspects of how he was parented, and his culture’s attitude towards self pity being deplorable. Still comes up sometimes and upsets me but I feel he understands it’s not ok and tries to change it.

Ps It is awful tho. My mum fell and smashed her face up and to my dad it was just a huge and utter inconvenience and mess

Is it a lack of care or a lack of fuss? The ambulance incident aside, where he was clearly wrong, I think he’s doing what a lot of parents (certainly a couple of decades ago when my children were young) would have done. For example, I’ve never owned a thermometer and I was probably guilty of telling my DC that they were fine. (They usually were, in my defence)

It's always difficult to make a judgement on the few words from the OP, but maybe he 'cares' a little less than average and you 'care' a little more, making the gulf between you bigger.

Unless your children have very severe medical needs, I don't know why you think that he can't go to the pub. I wouldn't be screaming for an ambulance if my child became unconscious, I'd give a minute or two for checks, and see if they came round and then call calmly if not. If they can hear hysterical screaming it will only make things worse.

I have only recently bought a thermometer and the kids are teens.

People are different, maybe you need to look at yourself as well as looking at him.

@DontKnowWhere2Turn

He sounds boderline psychopathic

Oh for goodness sake! 🤦🏻‍♀️

My husband is very much like this. His lack of empathy is astounding and terrifying in equal measure. He particularly struggles with illness. He always makes me feel like an inconvenience when ill and I cannot possibly be more ill than him.

I feel very unloved and uncared for and am also considering leaving.

I believe he is on the spectrum. Both of our dc are, one is the same as him in the empathy department, the other a very caring child.

You have my sympathy.

@AgentProvocateur same here - I never had a thermometer, baby monitor, and never made a fuss if they were ever unwell or had a minor injury (unlike a colleague of mine who ends up in tears any time their child says they don't feel well - practically once a week!). Obviously on rare occasions when it was more serious then we took them to GP or A&E but always tried not to get upset or worried so it didn't make them feel panicked. My DC are adults now and show no ill effects.

If you don't feel seen or cared for, then I would leave.
I can't believe this wouldn't have a massively damaging impact on you over time.
I feel for your children too, but at least they have you x

It's always difficult to make a judgement on the few words from the OP, but maybe he 'cares' a little less than average and you 'care' a little more, making the gulf between you bigger.

Unless your children have very severe medical needs, I don't know why you think that he can't go to the pub. I wouldn't be screaming for an ambulance if my child became unconscious, I'd give a minute or two for checks, and see if they came round and then call calmly if not. If they can hear hysterical screaming it will only make things worse.

That was my impression when I read the OP, too. I think there's a gulf between one over reactive and one under reactive person. And you really do give the impression of someone who reacts emotionally to any illness or accident, OP.

Do you think he could just be trying to be calm/leave you alone so as not to wind you up further? I'm far from unconcerned in situations like this, but rolling on the floor crying or screaming in a worrying situation is something I'd react to by being calm and together, as well, to bring the other person down from that high emotional level and reassure them.

Obviously there's no way of telling without knowing you both, but if it's his ability to keep your children safe that's bothering you, I'm not seeing any evidence that he won't do that. And you need to keep your children emotionally safe by not panicking, and dealing with illness and accident calmly and reassuringly.

@kirktonhouse

It's always difficult to make a judgement on the few words from the OP, but maybe he 'cares' a little less than average and you 'care' a little more, making the gulf between you bigger.

Unless your children have very severe medical needs, I don't know why you think that he can't go to the pub. I wouldn't be screaming for an ambulance if my child became unconscious, I'd give a minute or two for checks, and see if they came round and then call calmly if not. If they can hear hysterical screaming it will only make things worse.

I have only recently bought a thermometer and the kids are teens.

People are different, maybe you need to look at yourself as well as looking at him.

This.
The actions above are exactly what I would do, and have done in the past. I wouldn't need 2 adults to stay home with a poorly child. No screaming involved with an unconscious person, that's not going to help anyone.

Except my eldest is a teen and I've never owned a thermometer.

Oh, and I didn't cry at the deaths of my grandparents either.
Yet I've spent my entire life in a caring progression which required a shit ton of empathy, warmth and concern, and I was damn good at it.

The not letting him go to the pub when one of the kids is ill made my eyes roll. To be honest I'm more concerned that you're making your kids anxious about health and illness.

So, those of you suggesting her H is just calm and sensible, would you walk past your partner curled up on the floor in pain in the night, have a wee and go back to bed without saying a word?

As for the pub thing, it depends on how ill and whether it would have been ok for OP to go down the pub and her H to soothe gripey kids so mop up vomit.

I think it's very easy to proclaim that you have never needed a hand during the night when caring for a sick child whilst boasting about never owning a thermometer when you don't have a child with an underlying health issue.

I can also assure those people that when your 2.5 year old is lying in your arms unconscious, not waking up and going grey, you are going to make a lot of noise about the other person in the house, who has their phone in their hand to call an ambulance.

It's a good job we did as her blood sugars were so low that we were told that we were very lucky not to have lost our child that day. An experience like that will also throw up trauma later on when they become ill, which will urge you to invest in thermometers and things like that.

Well done for being damn good in your caring profession @saraclara . Caring for your own ill children won't make you damn good but can throw up a lot of emotion when there are other health concerns going on.

To be honest what's he going to say?

Either ask if she's ok (she clearly isn't) or if there's anything he can do (which there isn't, as OP says this is a recurring condition).

He could have offered some platitudes about how she'd feel better soon but lots of people would rather be left alone. I have a condition that flares up from time to time, if I need my DP to get me some tablets, or a hot water bottle, or a bowl if I think I'm going to be sick, I will ask him. Other than that, he leaves me alone which I'm fine with. Rather that than having to speak about how I feel when I'm trying to breathe and wait for the pain to subside.

@AgentProvocateur

Is it a lack of care or a lack of fuss? The ambulance incident aside, where he was clearly wrong, I think he’s doing what a lot of parents (certainly a couple of decades ago when my children were young) would have done. For example, I’ve never owned a thermometer and I was probably guilty of telling my DC that they were fine. (They usually were, in my defence)

This completely. I don't do drama as it upsets the child as they see you are upset.

I don’t think in real life anyone would “wait and see” if their child lost consciousness

Ignoring someone on the floor in pain absolutely isn’t just “staying calm” either! It’s cruel and dismissive.

It's a shame when acts of love aren't valued anymore.

What a sad world we would live in if it all came down to what is pragmatic.

@MoMuntervary

So, those of you suggesting her H is just calm and sensible, would you walk past your partner curled up on the floor in pain in the night, have a wee and go back to bed without saying a word?

As for the pub thing, it depends on how ill and whether it would have been ok for OP to go down the pub and her H to soothe gripey kids so mop up vomit.

TBH if they had form for dramatics and massive over-reaction, then yes, I would probably ignore in the middle of the night (well maybe not ignore, but wouldn't start fussing around or panicking). I'd expect my adult husband to wake me and ask for help if he needs it, after having taken all the appropriate self help steps. Maybe I'm like OPs husband, but I see no need for hysteria and dramatics to accompany every bout of (usually mild) illness. Seek help when required, of course, but the drama is a hindrance, not a help.

I'd carry on with pre-arranged plans if a child was ill, unless my DH asked me to cancel as he needed help (e.g concerned that child might need dr appt and another child needing minding etc).

Have never had a thermometer (until CV where I decided it was prudent to be able to take actual temp in case of feeling unwell - not yet used).

Wouldn't be screaming and panicking and instantly calling an ambulance if a child fainted/collapsed. Would calmly assess the situation and then seek medical help as required. Would also probably give a few moments for child to come round.

It sounds like OP is quite prone to panic and emotional reactions, and her DH tends to be calmer and more practical / less emotive. I don't necessarily think one is right and the other is wrong, but I guess they are fairly incompatible.

OP - it sounds to me like you have developed resentment which very often means the end of your marriage.
If he was previously a loving and caring husband/father could it be that he has mentally checked out of the marriage ?
I think you need to take time to think about what you want and how you want to live.

If the DCs are ill, he'll proceed to meet friends in the pub (pre-lockdown) and drink enough that he doesn't wake to DCs during the night, leaving all of the care work to me.

Drinking himself into a stupor to avoid caring for his children is not acceptable.

He has recently divulged that he never cried when his grandmother died, but was concerned that her death would impact of the upcoming family holiday. I know kids can react like this when they don't understand the meaning of death, but I'm wondering if congitively, there might be something wrong?

He might have Asperger's, though it's not clear either way. And if so he's handling it wrong. The going out to the pub and drinking is a red flag.

He has since attended first aid training since the ambulance incident, which helps, but I know that overall, I can't make him care more about things he ought to.

How do I protect myself and DCs from this?

Depends how bad you think he is. For emotional protection for yourself and the kids, divorce is probably the best way to go. For physical protection you then need to be very practical about whether it's safe to leave them with him or not. If you think it isn't safe you would need to get professional advice about custody and visits. The first aid training means he is making an effort and is probably not going to do anything really dangerous; but if they are staying with him will he know not to go out and get drunk?