Husband's concerning lack of care towards myself and DC

[Offendingone]

On meeting DH, he seemed extremely caring, generous and attentive.
When I married him and we moved in together (lived apart until this point due to different locations), things gradually started to change.

It was so gradual that we had 2 children. Then, things really surfaced.

He very much lacks care when I or DCs are ill, or any of us are upset or in need of love, reassurance or general care. Practically speaking he can be helpful. But he behaves as if we're inconveniencing him.

DC1 got very upset at the weekend as she divulged to me that she feels like "Daddy doesn't care, he keeps telling me I'm ok when I'm not and tells me that I haven't hurt myself when I have."

I've tried to be the caring, attentive parent due to DHs lack of care, but it clearly hasn't been enough.

His lack of care towards me has eroded away my sense of worth over the years and I'm planning on leaving him. Just this morning, I was awoken at 5.30 am with horrendous stomach cramps due to a chronic stomach condition I have. I was curled into a ball crying on the floor of the bathroom, when he got up to go to the toilet. He literally, looked at me, went to the toilet and then went back to bed without a word. It's been 3 months since my last flare so hardly like I'm doing this every week.

Now he can see that I feel better, he has said "are your period pains ok now?"
I rolled my eyes at him and he has said "why are you in a bad mood?!"

His lack of care has led to him not checking the childrens temperature when in his care and they are clearly poorly and more worryingly, delaying calling an ambulance when DC collapsed and became unconscious. Luckily, I was there and called them myself despite me screaming at him to do so and him saying "let's just see if she comes around."
She'd actually had a hypo and was admitted after being taken to hospital in an ambulance.

If the DCs are ill, he'll proceed to meet friends in the pub (pre-lockdown) and drink enough that he doesn't wake to DCs during the night, leaving all of the care work to me.

He has recently divulged that he never cried when his grandmother died, but was concerned that her death would impact of the upcoming family holiday. I know kids can react like this when they don't understand the meaning of death, but I'm wondering if congitively, there might be something wrong?

He's a very hands on Dad most of the time and we will be looking at shared custody of DCs, but his lack of care towards them bothers me enormously. I'm having counselling due to the way I've been made to feel invisible and like I don't matter, but his behaviour still impacts us all.

He has since attended first aid training since the ambulance incident, which helps, but I know that overall, I can't make him care more about things he ought to.

How do I protect myself and DCs from this?

OP isn't asking her husband to be dramatic and panic at the first sign of ill health.

She's asking that he communicates to their D.C. that he cares for them- his little girl thinks he doesn't.

She's asking he check their temperature when they are ill- not waking them up to stick a thermometer under their tongue, just checking their forehead or the back of their neck to see if they are getting too hot. You know, like a responsible parent.

If your partner was on the floor in pain, even if it happens regularly, wouldn't you offer them a drink or a hot water bottle? Ask if they needed anything?

OP, practically speaking, if you are divorcing, you may need to have a blunt conversation when handing D.C. over.
List what he needs to do, when he needs to contact you, etc. Your elder D.C. will soon reach the point she can call you if she's worried about herself or her sib. Unfortunately you'll have to depend on her as well as training him up.

@DinosaurDiana

I’m going to get flamed for this, but do you have any reason to think he may have autism or similar ? Are his parents still alive, can you ask what he was like as a child ? Is this normal for him or has he become like this ?

Yer but.... He had no problem being empathic and compassionate before the children came along....🤔 I think this is just the classic entitled bully who wants to be the star of The show, behaving as if no one else matters is a covert way of appointing himself star of The show

He apologised and said he didn't realise he needed to.It's the way he is, and I'm still trying to get used to it after 20yrs together
Ok, but does he expect you to be empathic and compassionate towards him? if HE has had a challenging and difficult time and you don't acknowledge it how does he react?

@o8O8O8o

He apologised and said he didn't realise he needed to.It's the way he is, and I'm still trying to get used to it after 20yrs together Ok, but does he expect you to be empathic and compassionate towards him? if HE has had a challenging and difficult time and you don't acknowledge it how does he react?

No he wouldn't

I had a husband like this (though he tread beyond mere lack of caring/empathy and into controlling abuser territory).

You will be well rid. And you can't change him, it's just a matter of mitigating the harm he will cause.

He lacks empathy. Probably you are asking him to do something that he cannot conceptualise. Whether that's a form of psychopathy or a neuro developmental condition like autism would require more information. If its harming you or your children you need to leave.

@o8O8O8o when a relationship is relatively new, people with ASD can focus very intently on the object of their affections. Almost as though you are their 'special interest'. That wanes once the task has been 'completed'- in my case married, in others when the family is established. Mine turned his focus on to work and it was as if I was invisible. He was great with the children in many ways- playing and providing toys. He had no ability to recognise or manage them being 'off colour' or ill. I often act as interpreter between him and our now adult D.C.

Just to say that concerning the children he sounds very irresponsible re the drinking, and has shown very concerning lack of judgement re medical emergencies and day to day concern. Are you sure you want shared custody, wouldn't it be better to have someone else there eg a grandparent on his side you trust or preferably access through a contact centre? I think that you are doing the right thing in wanting better, and I am not sure that even if he has asd that that excuses drinking a lot when he knows the kids are poorly. I think that's just about being an arse tbh.

I know you said your husband used to be more caring.
I genuinely would consider whether he is on the autism spectrum.

Have you asked what his thought processes are in those moments?(obviously don't ask him in moments of stress but later).

My DH didn't used to present as ASD - I knew he was shy, but he was a lot more caring. Then life got harder - personally and professionally. Nothing dramatic just normal life stuff. His ASD traits come to the fore under the changed dynamic and suddenly it was everso noticeable.

This helps you because as you are splitting - you can do some reading to work out a way to communicate better with him to have more comfort in joint, co parenting rules regarding the kids.

I'm amazed at the posters who think it's ok to leave someone lying on the bathroom floor, use the loo, presumably step around that person and go back to bed, or not call an ambulance for a toddler who's passed out.

I was really surprised by all the answers. I thought everyone would read this and think "psychopath".

I'm not an expert but he doesn't sound psychopathic to me. e.g. He isn't deliberately creating risky situations for his own satisfaction, and it doesn't sound like a deliberate power game. But he has something missing in emotional communication and maybe he can't recognise other people's physical and emotional state from non-verbal cues, and even less know how to respond to them, so I think about autism spectrum before sociopathy. Though sticking any label on him (or not) probably doesn't matter - apart from meaning that this is how he is and always will be.

He had no problem being empathic and compassionate before the children came along....🤔

That's not exactly what the OP said. They started off as a remote relationship, In remote contact you don't expect someone to recognise your mood and give you a hug, you probably just don't see each other when one of you is ill. She says it gradually got worse after they became a "real-life" physical relationship instead of a remote one, and it happened gradually so maybe adding children tio the mix just made it more obvious much was lacking. Children need comfort and empathy even more than adults do and rely on adults understanding their non-verbal expressions of emotion.

Anyway, I'd say this probably isn't going to get better and if that's really how it is then I'd bail.

Why are some people being so judgemental? Until you're in the same situation, you don't really know exactly how you would react. Yes, the OP was panicking because her very young child had unexpectedly fallen unconscious, and I'm sure many people would react in exactly the same way. You can tell yourself that you wouldn't panic and would calmly asses the situation but that sounds utter tripe to me. Until it happens to your child you have no idea how you would really react.

Op didn't panic when her child fell unconscious.

She responded appropriately, tending to the child and asking the other adult to call an ambulance. Unfortunately her husband wouldn't do so and she had to call herself. If she screamed at him while he ignored her request, that isn't panicking!

OP, you seem to be talking about emotional compulsions that your husband doesn't share.
I don't think he has done anything unreasonable in context, he just doesn't feel what you feel
The people screaming psychopath are unlikely to be correct in their diagnosis.
Ending a relationship for those reasons is fine if that's what you want to do. It's an issue of incompatibility.

This is interesting to read this thread as I had a long conversation with my OH last night basically about this exact thing. He seems to show very little sometimes in terms of caring whether i'm ok.
Lately I've been struggling and have been a bit of a pain in the arse to be fair, but whenever I would get upset his response seems to be one of irritation. It never used to be like that.

We spoke at length yesterday as essentially I'd backed off from him in the sexual sense as I was genuinely feeling quite unloved and unwanted. THIS he noticed due to lack of me instigating anything sexual.typical. His response was basically, if didn't think he'd caused me to be unhappy but he knew I was unhappy but as he hadn't caused it he didn't see it as a problem he had to address. Or to help me feel better.

For me, surely though, if your oh is unhappy, whether you caused it or not, I would have thought basic human instinct would be to try and cheer that person up, maybe do little things to ease the burden, anything really other than ignoring it because you think its nothing to do with you. To me this was a bit of a fuck you attitude.

And I was honestly shocked thinking how can you say you love someone and not show care if they are ok, when you blatantly know they are not ok?

I explained I have responsibilities for everyone basically in this house (not his dc) and also for him, to which he thinks I do not have any responsibility for him and he doesnt think he has any responsibility for me. He is sat there saying he only has responsibility for himself.

But surely in a relationship, you have a degree of responsibility for the other person in the relationship in terms of making sure they are loved, cared about and safe? To be these are the mere basics.

I feel its my responsibility in our relationship, to show him I care and love him and do things for him I think will make him happy. And I expected that to be the same the other way round.

So no, he doesn't have responsibility for me in a basic sense, like being alive, but he does have some responsibility for making me feel included, loved, happy etc which surely you accept when you enter into a relationship. You have to consider the other person.
It sounds like the same sort of thing to you OP, although I don't think he'd be as bad as to leave me curled up on the bathroom floor. Thats really shocking.

So I have some thinking to do too. Although after our discussion, he has actually been a little more attentive, hes asked me if I slept ok, he made lunch today instead of me. So I think something sunk in.
I hope so, because I don't think I can have a relationship with someone who thinks only of themselves and doesn't seem concerned when their loved one is unhappy or in pain.

It won't get any better I'm afraid. I've only skimmed the thread but my ex DH once just stood over me while I writhed in agony on a hospital floor after a gynae procedure. A Dr just happened to come out of room and got me some help but I will never forget the way that Dr looked at my ex, like he couldn't believe a human being could behave that way. My marriage was awful from day 1 but up until then, my ex was a poppet. A lot of the research I've done since says that people with ASD can mimic NT behaviour and then they can't sustain it and there have been countless accounts of men changing literally after the wedding. I can vouch for this, I put it down to a hangover but it went on for 15 years In the end I couldn't hack it but it was the three months from wedding to wedding night and 8 sexless years at the end that finished me off, I got used to the lack of empathy.

I adjusted my expectations. Realised that he didn't have it in him to spontaneously show he cared/recognise a need and respond to it. Gave him direct cues. I'm ill, I need xyz. I'm going out. DS is under the weather- check on him every hour in case he gets worse. Etc.
It was a lack of imagination on his part, it didn't really occur to him his kids could get very ill or need an ambulance. Ambulances are dramatic and for emergencies. A sick kid doesn't look like a dramatic emergency to him. Lack of recognition that children can get very ill very fast, as well.

Goodness, you've had an unwarranted hard time on this thread OP. Some of the responses are bonkers. Unconscious child but I'll take time to test her blood sugars rather than immediately calling an ambulance? Really?

You husband does sound like a psychopath. The total lack of empathy for his children would be enough for me, I'm not surprised you want to leave him, esp as your daughter is clearly being emotionally negatively affected by his loveless approach. How easy will it be for you too leave/boot him out?

There are medical conditions which impact a persons ability to feel compassion and empathy, generally consider what another person wants/ needs. I don’t want to get flamed, but you might want to do some reeearch.

I’m really surprised by the responses here. I’m not a drama queen but I would expect at least “are you ok? Do you need me to do something?” If I was writhing in pain on the floor. Especially if it didn’t happen very often.

My ex was very similar to your dh. If I was I’ll or hurt myself he never asked if I needed anything. Never asked how I felt the next day or asked how doctor appointments went, even for major illnesses. Never showed any empathy or sympathy.

I have asthma and once I got the flu which triggered an asthma attack and I called him up in the evening to see if he could take me to the hospital. He told me “ let me soon because I have to get up early in the morning for work”. Funny he could stay out late doing other things and get up with no problems the next day.

Over time it ate at me and I became very resentful and it was one of the things that eroded our relationship and that’s why he’s an ex.