I think my best friend is phasing me out

[orzo15]

I've been friends with her for 10 years now, shes one of my best friends. However I've always felt that she was more my best friend than I was hers, and that I leaned on her a lot more. She's an very private person so I think that's why. A year ago we were so so close, she supported me through a life changing event and she was amazing during that time. I have also supported her through big changes so it isn't one sided.

However in the past few months, it's completely changed. She doesn't initiate contact, when I text her she doing keep the conversation going, she just answers politely but kind of shuts the conversation down. If you read the texts you'd think we were just acquaintances. I asked her a couple months ago if everything was ok, giving her the opportunity to tell me if I had done something but she again just politely replied but didn't engage any more. The only thing I can think that I have done, is that because of my life changing event last year, I haven't been there for her or asked her as much as I normally would (I still have). As I am grieving and have been going through counselling and just really struggling.

I guess what I am asking is, has this ever happened to you and how did you deal with it?

Why not ask her? Phrase it as 'have I done something g to upset you?' And reply accordingly either saying you may have bee n overthinking or give her the reasons that have made you ask the question

Could you phone her up and speak to her?

Yes, ask her.

What's her situation? Lots of people have not been in the mood for chat

My BF and I have been friends since starting senior school 30 odd years ago. A few years ago we turned 40 and she mentioned she was going to Mexico for a week with another friend from work. I felt incredibly hurt that she hadn't asked me. It wasn't the holiday, more the fact that maybe I wasn't as important to her as she was to me, iyswim.
We're still good friends but not the same as before.
Maybe have a word with her, she may have stuff going on that you don't know about?

I think it might be best to take the hint and give her some space.

I am sorry you have had such a difficult time. I hope you have other people for support.

Thank you. Maybe I will ask her. I genuinely dislike confrontation and I worry it would make the situation worse to be honest that's why I haven't asked but have just kept trying to get things back to normal.

We are both in our late twenties, single no kids. I broke up with my ex 18 months ago and then my mum died last year which has been incredibly tough for me, and so this feels like just yet another person I could talk to about anything who I have lost

I think she has had a hard time in lockdown like everyone and I've tried to ask her and be there for her about that, granted not as well as normal because my grief has just been overwhelming at times and I've moved to a new country 6 months ago. But I don't think she would tell me even if there was something happening now, she just doesn't seem to want to engage with me much at all

It’s devastating when a friend we care about loses interest or is revealed to not be as invested as we are...but it’s also very common. A lot of stock is held by the notion of ‘friendship’ but I think we often have rose tinted glasses on in regards to what it signifies. Friendship is romanticised as something to rely on when in fact, many people have friends as a comparatively low priority because family, household, work and study and a whole host of other things take precedence.

There’s every chance she just doesn’t have the emotional energy to nurture your friendship at the moment. I think the impact of lockdown is taking it’s toll on the mental health of lots of people and I think we’ll see many a relationship in tatters when it’s over, as a result.

Or it might be something completely different.

I was phased out by my bf in a similar way in my late twenties in a similar fashion. It hurt. I had gone through some traumatic life events (grief, pregnancy loss, relationship breakdown) and she backed off.

I tried to find out what was going on but I was then blocked.

Looking back I don’t think I actually lost anything. I still have great memories of our friendship. Our lives have ended up in very different places and I think she probably realised that was going to be the case much sooner than I did.

If she has moved on from your friendship or you decide to yourself; don’t worry you will get close to someone else again.

When my mum died my entire friendship circle disappeared. Why this happens, I don’t know, but it does.

I could have written your post. I did get to the bottom of what was off but in hindsight it might have been better to let her get over it rather than push on it. Turned out it was jealously but since this phasing out which followed exactly as you describe things were never really the same from her end. Into that mix she met a new partner So over the last 5 years we have the odd coffee or communication instigated by me and as the years roll by I ask less and less so we don’t really have that friendship any more Although we haven’t fallen out . You are pretty young so friendships do change a lot. It’s not very nice and if You give her some space hopefully she will come round.

I think the fact that you’ve moved to another country may play a role in this, if you used to spend a lot of time together. Rightly or wrongly she may be feeling a bit abandoned or may be focusing more on local friendships.

I was your friend in this situation.

She went through a very difficult life experience, a horrible divorce. I was there for her throughout. Literally picking her off the floor when she was a mess, she would come round to my house to get away from him regularly. I was happy to support her.

Then, a year later when I was very unwell she wasn't there for me, not even close. If she text it was always about her, never asking after me.

I phased her out exactly as you describe. Not initiating contact. Responding to texts in a non committal way. It took a while. If she had called me out on it I'm not sure I would have had the strength to be honest and say she hurt me.

Like any relationship, friendships change and evolve as we change and evolve. I've never understood why so many women in particular put so much importance on having a bff that they cling onto well past its sell by date.

Yes I agree with that. Moving to a different country will have changed the dynamic a lot, even in this age of instant contact everywhere.

Out of sight, out of mind. Some things are a cliche because they’re true.
It’s not borne of sentiment but circumstance. The dynamic has changed so the relationship will change too.

I hate to say it, but perhaps she has had enough of your grief for the time being?
I know there’s a lot made of ‘true friends’ being there for you no matter what...but frankly it’s a childish notion. Friends’ support is often conditional, depending on what’s going on in their own world. People aren’t as altruistic as the friendship ideal seems to suggest they ought to be. Sometimes we simply can’t or don’t want to sacrifice the energy or time to indulge another.

I lost my mum when I was 30. I was devastated. I know how that is. I do sympathise enormously. X

@SuperHighway I totally agree.

@SuperHighway

Like any relationship, friendships change and evolve as we change and evolve. I've never understood why so many women in particular put so much importance on having a bff that they cling onto well past its sell by date.

I agree with this too. Yes some friendships endure the years but most do not.

We haven't lived in the same city for 6 years so I don't think it's that, I used to live 4 hours away in the U.K. anyway. We used to Skype a couple times a month, and I've lived abroad for a brief period before and nothing changed.

The thing is I do understand I've needed a lot of support, but I would do the exact same for her and if there is something going on, she hasn't given me the opportunity to be there for her if that makes sense. I'm always asking how she is when I contact her and she just fobs me off.

I do have other close friends, it just feels very painful being treated like an acquaintance by someone I would have bet my life I would be best friends with for a long time

I think some people reach out for help and need others to lean on when they're struggling and some people don't work like that and go within themselves. Neither is better but it is tricky when the two meet! It's hard because she could perceive your asking if everything's ok as needing something from her. Maybe send her a card telling her how great she is and that you value your friendship with no obligation for her to reply. Can't hurt.

@SuperHighway I do agree as well because I've had friendships change over the years, but this seems to have happened so suddenly in the sense 8 months ago we were so close, so it doesn't feel past it's sell by date to me. But I do see what you mean.

@pictish I think maybe she has. Since I moved away my grief has felt enormous and whilst I've tried to chat about other things I guess I come across as maybe not being as present as I have been or could be. I am in counselling now but it's been the most difficult thing to go through as my mum was my best friend

“The thing is I do understand I've needed a lot of support, but I would do the exact same for her and if there is something going on, she hasn't given me the opportunity to be there for her if that makes sense. I'm always asking how she is when I contact her and she just fobs me off.“

This is what I mean. You’re seeing friendship through simplistic terms, an equal exchange system. She isn’t obliged to give you the opportunity to return the support. It’s not a contract. She might have another friend who is filling that role closer to home...and that’s normal and ok.

I have got a friend who l have known for years. I always really look forward to seeing her but the truth is, she drains me. She has terrible mood swings and l think suffers with mild depression. I always come away from her feeling a bit miserable myself and as awful as it sounds, l don't want to feel like that .
I am so sorry about your mum OP but l would say maybe it is you living in a different country that has changed the dynamic or maybe she is struggling herself with life at the moment.

@pictish I totally see what you're saying, it's just that I was that person for her. She used to lean on me for things that were going on in her life, so it's not like I am suddenly reading it wrong, it's the change of dynamic that's left me feeling confused and hurt. But I do understand what you are saying.

@Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin I think you are right and I probably am that person to her. I can't undo how I've been but I probably do come across as miserable when we spoke because I was. I just hoped she would have known it wouldn't last forever, as I am normally a very fun person to be around. Thanks for your perspectives anyway it's helped clarify things for me

I had a life changing bereavement a few years ago and my BF did the same. She totally cut me off. I’ve seen her once since and it was forced politeness and cold. I was devastated. I think with hindsight she couldn’t be bothered with the upset and the drama. Her life and career were in stellar rise phase and she’s at the top of her game and she didn’t want to be dragged down. I’d helped her through a bad time but she didn’t want to do the same. I left it. It is what it is. Some people have capacity and others don’t. I now am very reluctant to rely on others and I’m very wary of burdening people with private issues. I use my counsellor for that. I’m bright and breezy with friends. I’ve noticed that most people are like that theconversatio goes “hi how are you?” “Oh I’m good thanks how are you?” “Great!” Its just meaningless and I think that’s how most people spend their lives. I think you need to move on and not keep pursuing this

I'm going to be honest here , and perhaps that does make me a bad friend but - If my friend lived 4 hours away ,then yes , that friendship is still sustainable as you could easily meet up to spend a day together now and again by each travelling for 2 hours. In an call for help or support a 4 hour journey is no big deal.
But if a friend moved to another country , I'd feel a little abandoned by her and hurt and would move away from the friendship for my own mental health.

@TreacleHart that's an interesting perspective, I've never thought of it like that. We are both in a career field where moving away is very normal, so I didn't see it as a big deal. And I'm in Europe, not very far but maybe she does think it too. Thanks for your perspective as I hadn't thought of it like that