I think my best friend is phasing me out

[orzo15]

I've been friends with her for 10 years now, shes one of my best friends. However I've always felt that she was more my best friend than I was hers, and that I leaned on her a lot more. She's an very private person so I think that's why. A year ago we were so so close, she supported me through a life changing event and she was amazing during that time. I have also supported her through big changes so it isn't one sided.

However in the past few months, it's completely changed. She doesn't initiate contact, when I text her she doing keep the conversation going, she just answers politely but kind of shuts the conversation down. If you read the texts you'd think we were just acquaintances. I asked her a couple months ago if everything was ok, giving her the opportunity to tell me if I had done something but she again just politely replied but didn't engage any more. The only thing I can think that I have done, is that because of my life changing event last year, I haven't been there for her or asked her as much as I normally would (I still have). As I am grieving and have been going through counselling and just really struggling.

I guess what I am asking is, has this ever happened to you and how did you deal with it?

I agree with pp you come across as thoughtful and lovely OP. It hurts so much when you realise a trusted friend is distancing themselves. I personally would leave your friend to it and see if she gets in touch. If she does, keep it light and breezy. Sometimes women rely just a bit too much on other women for emotional support and it can become stifling.

I hope you have other good friends and that you will make some lovely new interesting friends moving forward.

all my Whatsapp groups have ground to a halt

Do other people find this to be true at the moment?

@peterinteruptor I have found this and I have also realised I am doing the same. Our worlds have narrowed haven't they. What do we have to say? Me and my mum talk about what we've found on Netflix and Prime. I chat to work colleagues as we are frantically trying to support FE students from afar (which I sooo draining). I am creating a quiz eve to hopefully lift our spirits. I will have a brief chat with staff in our local shop. Our neighbours have a FB group and we'll pop the odd post in there - what's that noise? My rabbit's escaped type thing. I wave to them if I'm out. If I bump into a friend/acquaintance while out shopping I will stop to chat and elbow bump. I'll check in with my sister and my son. If I see a student while out I'll have a quick are you ok take care type thing. But apart from that - I am rarely seeking out further convo. I like a previous poster and am sure many of us are - holed up in my bunker waiting for this nightmare to be over. I have little more to say.

Have you thought that it may be her and not you.

When I am struggling, I shut the world out and don’t want to talk. I just don’t have the energy, even though I know it would make me feel better.

This year has been tough for everyone even if we don’t always show it.

Knowing your struggles, she may feel guilty about burdening you.

She may really need you. Ring her and ask her if she’s ok? This may be the time to really step up for her.

@DevonLulu thanks, I essentially have done that though, I've asked her if everything is ok and keep checking in with how she is feeling in lockdown, but I can't force her to tell me what's going on. I contacted her yesterday morning before posting and asked if everything was going ok etc and asked specific things about her life, she didn't seem interested at all in carrying the conversation on. She's not the type who would appreciate me just phoning and asking what's going on so all I can do now is what I have already done and just be there for her if she does decide she wants to speak more

I was the friend in this situation too, and have phased out in a very similar way. I'm not saying this is you, OP, but my friend had a lot of highs and lows, and I had the capacity to support her through them until I had a kid. At that point I had to preserve my emotional and physical energy for my daughter, and like others on here have said I would always come away from our interactions feeling totally drained. Add onto that the friend then doing something a bit thoughtless that ended up losing DH and I thousands of pounds and I had just had enough.

I am perfectly polite now, but have boundaries firmly in place. TBH if she'd asked me directly what was wrong I probably wouldn't have been honest because I can't bear the thought of more drama. Only you know your friend well enough to know if she'll be honest with you if you ask her.

Maybe your friend just can't deal with the thought of supporting you when she's just trying to survive lockdown (assuming she's in the UK).

ElizabethofpeanutYorkies made me tear up too. Such a sweet thing to say.

I think you might be a little too quick in assuming you've done something wrong OP. It very well could have nothing to do with you specifically.

I have a friend who runs hot and cold, and I have learned to back off and give her space when she gets distant. She will actually get annoyed if I keep pestering her about what's wrong. So I still checkin with her, but keep the conversation deliberately light and non-draining. This seems to make her open up when she's good and ready. But not a minute before!

Another thing that helps OP, when she's not wanting to talk...instead of trying to engage I will send her a sweet/cute/funny meme or picture that makes me think of her. This also helps to lower her defenses and lets her know I'm thinking of her. Nothing more...just that I care.