I think my best friend is phasing me out

[orzo15]

I've been friends with her for 10 years now, shes one of my best friends. However I've always felt that she was more my best friend than I was hers, and that I leaned on her a lot more. She's an very private person so I think that's why. A year ago we were so so close, she supported me through a life changing event and she was amazing during that time. I have also supported her through big changes so it isn't one sided.

However in the past few months, it's completely changed. She doesn't initiate contact, when I text her she doing keep the conversation going, she just answers politely but kind of shuts the conversation down. If you read the texts you'd think we were just acquaintances. I asked her a couple months ago if everything was ok, giving her the opportunity to tell me if I had done something but she again just politely replied but didn't engage any more. The only thing I can think that I have done, is that because of my life changing event last year, I haven't been there for her or asked her as much as I normally would (I still have). As I am grieving and have been going through counselling and just really struggling.

I guess what I am asking is, has this ever happened to you and how did you deal with it?

OP
One thing stands out to me in all your posts on this thread, and that is how many times you say 'I'.
You may feel quite self absorbed to her if you speak like this to her.
Have a read back and see what you think.

I think that's true as well as the 'leaning on her' and her supporting you a lot.

She didn't open up to you about her private life.

I think she probably found the friendship too taxing and that's why she's withdrawn.

I feel for you OP. This must be tough, especially coming after your bereavement
I agree with PP who suggest asking her outright as it's hard to tell what's going on when someone goes quiet. You're not being demanding if you just gently ask if you've done something to upset her, and her answer may lead to resolving the issue one way or another. Good luck!

One of my best friends went quiet on me for a while (she also lives a long way away), and this after we'd been supporting each other through some life-changing events. I was hurt and bewildered at the time. Things resolved itself after the best part of a year and we're close again now. Only afterwards did we both realise that she needed time to herself to recover from the trauma she experienced. She was also diagnosed with chronic fatigue during that period. She said she'd forgotten who she was, essentially, and being an introvert needed time alone to rebuild herself and set different boundaries.
Not saying this is in any way your friend's situation but just mentioning it as one of the reasons one friend may go quiet while another friend in the same situation may reach out to others and lean on them.

I think most people have run out of chat over the last few months. Almost all my Whatsapp groups have ground to a halt, there's just not that much happening. Some people don't find it makes them happy to have a communal moan - they'd rather keep things positive, so have kind of bunkered down until they can do fun things again.

I'd stay in touch in a light-hearted way that doesn't ask anything of her, questions like "are things okay with us," or whatever are like a great dollop of duty, something to deal with that she might not have the reserves for. I'd try "I just watched It's a Sin, have you seen it/ look at this brilliant dinosaur snowman I saw on my walk/ there is a lovely food in this country, I'll send you some....." something positive where you make the effort and there's no expectations on her.

@sugarcherry I'm worried now I have come across like that. Im generally a very chatty person but also very interested in my friends lives. But I think, and I'm not trying to excuse myself as I know now I should do better, my mum was the person I would tell every minute detail of my life to, all my woes worries, absolutely everything. I'm not close to my dad or have a sibling, so that role has completely diseappeared and I've maybe put it onto my friend which has probably drained her :(

I'm not criticizing you @orzo15. It may give you food for thought, and IMO that's good. Sometimes our words suggest something different to how we feel.

I feel I had to be like this with a friend of mine. It was always her life, her dramas and situations that led the conversations. When I had something going off, it always seemt to be insignificant to hers and I felt drained from dealing with her stuff and mine?
So for the sake of myself, I took a step back.
I am not in no way saying that you are like my friend at all but maybe she is going through something she doesn't want to trouble you with because of what you have been through?

No your are right, it's good to have some insight and definitely give me food for thought. Even if it's not salvageable with my friend I'll be mindful in the future with other friendships

Op, very sad to read that you lost yr mum. 💐

A few things prob going on here. As you live abroad maybe friend is investing more on those physically close to her. Perhaps you may have over burdened her without realising? You have said that you spoke to your mum about everything. Your mum sounds like she was a wonderful mum and lady. With kindness OP your friend is not yr mum. I wonder if you over shared with yr friend or spoke to her with a frequency that you did yr mum? Could your friend have maybe found it too much?

I personally would not challenge your friend. I would leave it and see what happens. Having your mum no longer there must be incredibly hard as you have lost that person you spoke to about anything & everything and loved you unconditionally. No one will ever be able to replace yr mum. In the kindest way op i wonder if you elevated yr friend into a kind of "mum " zone without realising? A zone that she could not / did not want to inhabit? Give the friendship some space and hopefully time will heal it.

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies thank you, I think you're right. I think that is what I have done, tried to fill the void of my mum but that isn't fair to my friends. I appreciate your kind words thank you x

Like any relationship, friendships change and evolve as we change and evolve. I've never understood why so many women in particular put so much importance on having a bff that they cling onto well past its sell by date. I agree with this totally.

Friendships run their course. Added to which people have different and sometimes unreasonable expectations of their friends, such as the poster upthread who was hurt because her friend went on holiday with someone else. That’s pretty controlling and possessive and if a friend was like that with me I’d be dialling way back on the friendship.

And sometimes people just change. You’re living abroad now. You’re not living the same life as she is, not even in the same country, and while a friendship over text is sustainable to an extent, it is no substitute for a real friendship where people are able to be together in person.

I wouldn’t ask tbh. Obviously the friendship isn’t to her what it is to you. She’s not wrong for not encouraging communication. It’s as much her friendship as it is yours, and asking is only going to make things more awkward between you.

Is she okay? I struggle when my mental health is poor, and I've lost friends because I've been accused of having a problem with them and being standoffish. I'm honestly not. Just sometimes I literally have zero energy for social interaction outside of my DP and DSS (and I even snap at them sometimes and need my own space!)

You say she's a very private person. I can relate to that as I am private too. What that means is the majority of friendships I have experienced consist of me listening to someone talk about themselves. They occasionally (say in the last 10min of an evening) remember to ask me how I am, in which case I say 'fine thanks' or similar, and move on because I know they don't really care at all. Hence they would see me as private.

Maintaining these relationships is tiring and it's often easier to give up since they are not magically going to start caring about me, no matter how many hours I spend supporting them.

Just giving you the perspective of another private type person.

@MondayYogurt thanks, I can see what you mean but that's definitely not the case here. She is private in the sense she doesn't speak in much detail about her life to many people, but she did with me until very recently. And although in recent months since my mum died I have probably dominated the conversations, the first 9 years of our friendship were very give and take. Thats why it's confusing for me now but I think I will give it space now

I’m going through this too at the moment.

Do you take time to acknowledge what she's said and respond to her, not just continue the conversation talking about yourself?

I have a friend who brings every conversation back to her. For example, I could tell her I've not eaten all day because I'm poorly. She won't ask what's wrong, she will respond telling me what she has eaten. This is just a made up example, but you can see what I mean.

It's honestly draining and I'm finding myself talking to her less, because it's so one-way.

I'm sorry about your mum.

@sapnupuas yeah I get what you mean and I've spent the day going through our texts but honestly I don't do this I always follow up what she has said, even recently. There was a bit of time where we were just talking about my
Mum and grief etc but apart from that I have made the effort. I still want to be her friend and have a relationship with her but I will have to just accept that it has changed and respect her not wanting to engage much, and maybe we will just be the type of friends who catch up every so often rather than what we were.

Thank you

@orzo15 totally unrelated... just wanted to say that you have taken all advice on this thread with such good grace and in the spirit in which it was intended. You have clearly thought about this situation and the replies.

Your mum has raised a fine, well balanced young woman. You are a credit to your mum op. x

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies oh that's just made me cry. Thank you so much for say that, that's so lovely of you x

You poor thing. It's so hard.

Oh yes I concur Elizabeth.

OP this has happened to me...where my investment was more than that of my friend. I learned to adjust my expectations through experience. X

I think you need to be careful about feeling you need to amend your behaviour in future friendships. You have, after all, been yourself; nothing more, nothing less. Just because she didn't like it, that doesn't mean you need to change. If anything, I'd say that she is dealing with things poorly, because obviously things feel different for her, but she can't or won't express that, and is opting for the slow, painful option for you, to save herself the effort of telling you what's going on. I wouldn't alter my behaviour based on the way someone like that perceived me.

I had a friend ghost me, once. A close friend. A friend for life (as we'd mentioned in the past) She just stopped talking to me one day. We work together, and she would just brush past me in the office as if I wasn't there, and let the door shut in my face if I was going through behind her. It was genuinely odd, and I've never found out why it happened.

You have to get to a stage of not caring. If she can't be bothered to explain what's up, why should you be changing based on a guess? Perhaps she's just rude and unpleasant, and doesn't care if she hurts people?

@ElizabethofpeanutYorkies
I completely agree with you.
@orzo15 Your mum would definitely be very proud of you. You've been a rare creature on a MN thread who has listened, responded thoughtfully and just been so respectful and lovely.
May every happiness come your way.

@sugarcherry thank you so much that's so kind of you. I've always truly valued the advice on here, mumsnet was so supportive to me when my relationship broke down last year. Thank you x

@orzo15 stay in touch with us on Mumsnet OP. Love to see your future life journey. xx