Am I an old fool?

[astaxan]

I am 48 and in a relationship with a woman who is 27. I think if it hadn't been for lockdown it would have been quite a short term relationship. My wife and I divorced in 2018 and have one adult son.

My girlfriend is a post graduate student and we began seeing each other in december 2019 after meeting socially. I had dated a bit prior to meeting her mostly women my own age but hadn't gelled with anyone until I met her. She was lovely and seemed to really like me so I just went with it and never expected it to last this long.

The pandemic meant that some time abroad for her never happened and at the start of the autumn lockdown I asked her to move in with me, which she seemed really happy about. We've been living together now for 4 months and its blissful. She's amazing and not to mince words I'm completely in love with her. I just worry that I'm being an old fool to think that she will want to be with me long term. She says not to worry what will be will be but I feel at 48 I don't have the same youthful sense of time.

I'm almost 50 and don't want more children which she says she is fine with but perhaps she will change her mind? I'll be an old man while she is still young!

Am I just being paranoid or am I an old fool about to get badly hurt?

Sounds OK so far. Enjoy!

Every relationship has its risks. If you are both happy then enjoy yourselves. Don't over think everything.

@GoodbyeH this is exactly what she says to just relax and be happy for what we have and not worry for the future but I do. Perhaps I'm still a bit unnerved by my divorce.

For starters you are not an old man!

I was 26 when my ex husband and I got together, he was 49 so a similar age gap. We married when I was 30 and he was just shy of 53. I was head over heels. The breakdown of our marriage had nothing to do with the 23 year age gap. To be honest I never gave it much thought. We had fun, he was young at heart, was far to into cheesy 90's pop music but otherwise we had similar interests and mentally we were a similar age if that makes sense.

Our marriage died because he ran his own business that was dying and refused to go out to work for someone else. Because his first wife cheated on him and he decided I was going to do the same. Because he would stalk me when I went anywhere without him. But after all of that I would have forgiven him and stayed. He tried to rape me and I went back to him. But when I told him we needed aoace and I was moving out for a while so he could decided what he wanted he hit me.

That was what ended us. Not a 23 year age gap.

If you start doubting it you will inadvertently start looking for the slights that suggest she is bored with you etc. Just enjoy it. She loves you, she is living with you she is happy. You say you love her, so trust that she loves you and just enjoy your life together

@Terminallysleepdeprived Thank you for your wise words and I am so sorry at what you went through with your ex-husband, how awful for you.

I hear what you are saying that I need to guard against the paranoia, jealousy and what that would bring.

Thank you for replying.

@astaxan thank you. We separated 9 years ago. At the point I said we needed space he had told me he didnt want me to go because he loved me I would still be married to him. Instead he said he didn't want a second divorce. His first wife destroyed his ability to trust. It wouldn't have mattered if it had been 23 years or 23 days in age gap because he would never have trusted me.

The things you have raised here could be the same issues if your girlfriend was 20 years young or only 5 years younger. Nothing in life is guaranteed unfortunately. But if you start out with the outlook it will fail because of x y or z then chances are it will because you will sub consciously check out because you are anticipating it failing

Unless she's in the very small percentage of women who decide definitely no children in their 20s (and who's to say she isn't), kids or lack of will be an issue that you will have to deal with one day.

There's no reason in shouldn't work. I was head over heels in love with a man in my twenties with that sort of age gap. For a number of reasons it didn't work out but we are still friends and I still think he's gorgeous thirty years later.

I’ll put the other point across. It does make you look a mid life crisis cliche. She’s young enough to be your daughter and I’d wonder if you’d start coming on to friends’ adult daughters when/ if this relationship breaks down.

@Fearandsurprise I see why you would say that, and I worry people will think that at times but I’ve never come onto a woman that age before or even considered the possibility of doing so. It’s not about her age or her being younger it’s about her, it would be about her if she was 57.

You're 48 and she's 27. That's too many years to be on the same page. When she is near the end of her breeding age you will be an old old man and she'll be your nurse if you're lucky.

Get over yourself. It's not right what you're suggesting.

[quote astaxan]@Fearandsurprise I see why you would say that, and I worry people will think that at times but I’ve never come onto a woman that age before or even considered the possibility of doing so. It’s not about her age or her being younger it’s about her, it would be about her if she was 57.[/quote]
Some people will think it but they won’t say it to your face.
And, to be honest, the type of “I’d feel the same if she was 57” line is another big cliche.

She has a lot of maturing to do - if your relationship lasts, she might grow into a person that still wants to be with you and that you want to be with. But she might not. and being with you will stifle that growth which she might resent in future.

I literally do not know any woman in their twenties who would get involved with a man 20 years older and move in with them, unless they had father issues or wanted the security of a house and some financial help. So I can only think of 2 such women in all my life, and one of them isn't very happy. I know it happens, but it seems very unusual in a postgrad student with her pick of other students, so it does sound as though she is very unusual in this regard.

I also struggle to think of any man fortunate enough to find himself in such a position to doubt himself and post on mumsnet about it. Having had the bravery to go for a much younger woman in the first place would usually indicate that you wouldn't have any doubts about such an age gap, because its much harder in the initial stages with more to overcome.

27 is really young. She isn't even 30 and you are nearly 50. What can you possibly have in common? Even your comments. Its like you're reading from the "Perfect Textbook of Model Responses to Questions About an Older Man dating a Much Younger Woman".

Not wishing to be rude, but realistically, the average British man nearing 50 looks pretty awful unless they are very careful with their diet and exercise regime, and a 27 year old is at her most attractive. There must be some variable here that makes this not the average 27 year old. Its just a bit unbelievable. And she doesn't mind you spending an evening typing into a screen on mumsnet while you're together either?

I met someone the same age as me (older than you) and fell head over heels.

It didn't work out, really damaged my self esteem, and broke my heart.

It was worth it though, because for 6 years it was brilliant and I felt rejuvenated.

Your last post made me chuckle a bit.
Of course it wouldn’t be the same if she were 57, ie 9 years older than you.
Let’s not pretend that her being 21 years younger than you - with a firm young body, etc - had nothing to do with what attracted you to her.

Also her being in a different phase of life - not as much baggage; not yet needing to have kids, etc.
It’s fine to admit it to yourself and the world.

Dating young people is fun - they aren’t weighed down by the pressures of life, are not as damaged or spoiled by life yet. Also - they are less set in their ways and their lives are more flexible - so they can adjust and fit into your life more easily than a partner closer to your age.

Finally - and that is the cliche bit, but also just the reality - you are smack in the age where men start feeling their age. And a much younger partner gives them that jolt of youth. There is a reason men say ‘you are as old as the woman you *k’...

So - no reason why you shouldn’t enjoy this relationship for as long as it last. You get a lot out of it. And eventually - if she sticks around long enough - you’ll get a young carer.

Turning to her - if she were my friend/daughter - I’d tell her not to waste much time with you. Unless you were quite well-off and then, of course, I’d say she should marry you pronto. (Joking, obviously).
Young women do get something from a relationship with older men. More mature men tend to be more secure, treat them better and take care of them in a way a younger man won’t. You are giving her stability and a place to live while she studies.

And as it happens - men in their 40s are still quite attractive and energetic - so 20years difference isn’t felt as much.
But after men hit mid 50s, the large age gap tends to start catching up with most couples. And eventually the couple ends up looking like ZetaJones/Douglas - where a still youthful woman is with a man looking like her father.

Your gf doesn’t realise these facts of life yet. She is too young for that. She has a perspective of a young person when it comes to relationships - where if it feels good right now - it’s great and meant to be. She also doesn’t yet seem to know if she wants children - as it seems not yet on her radar. As it isn’t for many women before they hit mid 30s and biological urge to procreate seems to hit us like a train.

Anyway - OP - you don’t need to overthink. Just enjoy what you have. It may or may not last - but it’s true of any relationship.
You are getting a lot out of this one - so count your blessings.
She is getting something too, but it’s more complicated as she is also giving up things she isn’t aware of. But essentially it’s her choice.

Life is precious and you have to make the most of every day.

Live has no guarantees sadly but if you don’t try you’ll never know.

Enjoy the now and don’t worry about the what ifs.

I'm not british, I am French, but living in London for many years now. I am quite well off but not very rich, and I look well, not young I don't think, but still attractive for now!

"Your gf doesn’t realise these facts of life yet. She is too young for that. She has a perspective of a young person when it comes to relationships - where if it feels good right now - it’s great and meant to be. She also doesn’t yet seem to know if she wants children - as it seems not yet on her radar. As it isn’t for many women before they hit mid 30s and biological urge to procreate seems to hit us like a train."

I think this is true, its all very nice for her now but perhaps not so when she wants a baby in a few years or when I start to be too old.

I think as with everything in life you have to do what feels right and hope for the best.

People may judge but 🤷‍♀️

My mum was 25 when she met my dad and he was your age. They’ve been very happy together for over 20 year so it can work.
It’s only now that he’s getting into his 70s that I think you can tell there’s a massive age gap and he’s starting to age a lot more quickly than she is (and starting to irritate her!)

if you think you can accept to have children then continue the relationship. you are not very old for a child.

@astaxan

French and well off. Bingo.
Of course it’s nice for her. You have that sexy accent; that wordiness. She gets to eat nice food, drink nice wine. Be exposed to refined things. Interesting conversations....
It doesn’t compare to her life/dating some 30yo who is just starting up.
Many of us have enjoyed company of older wealthy men when we were her age. It’s great fun.

I am not suggesting she is with you solely for material comforts.
However - just like her youthful physical attributes attracted you to her....
Your wealth, etc - of course influenced her being drawn to you.

If you were a nearly 50yo regular Joe, living in a 1br flat - I doubt your ‘love story’ would exist.

Anyway - you are giving each other something that works for both of you for now. And it may last even longer, depending on how nice her life is with you and if it’s enough.
Eventually - she will be your age, and you’ll be nearly 70. She’ll still be feeling young, like you do now. (I’ll stereotype and assume you are from Paris, went to Grand Ecoles, etc) - so you’ll be OK and understanding and let her bend some of the British conventions on marital fidelity...

I don’t think you are a fool - love is love.

But I do think 20 years is too big an age gap for the vast majority. You are different generations, at different life stages, the children issue will come up, care issues will come up later.

If you want to meet a partner for life I’d move on, if you are happy for it to run its course - stay out and enjoy. But I think age comes in here too - you mentioned your DP said ‘what will be will be’ - which speaks of someone not concerned with long term plans for the future to me.

My first love was older than me (although not as a big gap as yours and your gf). He was separated and told me from the beginning that he didn't want to get married again. I got involved anyway, probably hoping he would change his mind in the future. It took me nearly 8 years to realise that he wasn't going to change and that I really wanted a family with children. Now I'm happily married with someone younger and we've got 3 children.

You have wealth
She has beauty

It's a fair exchange........ for now

@Onthedunes

You have wealth She has beauty

It's a fair exchange........ for now

God, how depressingly clichéd.

Missing out on younger men in favour of older, wrinkled skin and a worldly wise attitude is to me really sad.

We don't know if this, woman is beautiful but we do know that she is highly educated, so she might well end up out earning this man. Perhaps she is benefitting from free accommodation during this period.