Am I an old fool?

[astaxan]

I am 48 and in a relationship with a woman who is 27. I think if it hadn't been for lockdown it would have been quite a short term relationship. My wife and I divorced in 2018 and have one adult son.

My girlfriend is a post graduate student and we began seeing each other in december 2019 after meeting socially. I had dated a bit prior to meeting her mostly women my own age but hadn't gelled with anyone until I met her. She was lovely and seemed to really like me so I just went with it and never expected it to last this long.

The pandemic meant that some time abroad for her never happened and at the start of the autumn lockdown I asked her to move in with me, which she seemed really happy about. We've been living together now for 4 months and its blissful. She's amazing and not to mince words I'm completely in love with her. I just worry that I'm being an old fool to think that she will want to be with me long term. She says not to worry what will be will be but I feel at 48 I don't have the same youthful sense of time.

I'm almost 50 and don't want more children which she says she is fine with but perhaps she will change her mind? I'll be an old man while she is still young!

Am I just being paranoid or am I an old fool about to get badly hurt?

I had a similar age gap n said all the same things as your gf he’s now my ex of a good few years and honestly all I see is an old man now while I’m still relatively young . Wtf was I thinking is what I think . Stick with my own age since much better

No offence

If you are in love with her now, it'll hurt if you split now. So whats the difference if you split now or later? You'll be heartbroken either way.
Enjoy the time and don't spoil what you have now, worrying about the future and what might never happen.

How old is your adult son?

Seems rather creepy to be dating from the same pool as him.

Old wrinkled skin at 48! Really? Most 48year olds I know are trim and fit. The way people are talking anyone would think the OP was an old age pensioner. 48 is still young.

And why shouldn't a younger woman be attracted to someone more established and with money - it's not 'sad' or 'creepy' - it's sensible. Doesn't mean she's just with you for that, she's clearly attracted to you as well.

I had a relationship with someone your age OP when I was in my twenties - it's no biggie. Just enjoy it, it may last or it may not but that's the same for any relationship.

She says not to worry what will be will be but I feel at 48 I don't have the same youthful sense of time.
Funny, as I would say what she says, and I'm 51 ... if anything, I felt more pressure to move things along at 27. For women, that is when there's less time.

I remember a friend of mine had a 50-year-old boyfriend at age 25. She got a lot out of it: he was funny, intelligent, interesting. Great boyfriend for a while. You'd only be a fool if you overestimated your chances of this lasting in the long term.

God, it's depressing to read so many of you saying she's in it for the money, the security, the house. She's a an adult and highly educated, she hardly sounds dependent. What's happened to simply falling in love?
OP, stop overthinking it, it'll be a turn off for her if you bring the mood down with your doubts. And stop fretting (if you did, maybe that was some of the PPs) about what other people think. Enjoy her company, as she does yours. In love, there are never any certainties and things can change at any time, whatever the age of the people involved. Vive l'amour! :)

I'm 34 and my partner is 54. We've been together 14 years and before anyone starts, no he isn't a perve. I was 20 and he thought I was older when we first met. We were friends for a year through work and then got together. He was worried about the age gap and I never cared. I have always liked older men. There is nothing that says in the law the ages have to be similar! Just enjoy what you have. We never know what's around the corner and we spend more time worrying about things than actually living them.

And I wasn't in it for the money. We earn the same as we work at the same place. Both earn good wages.

I don’t know. Most of the 45-55 year old men I know look pretty amazing. I think it’s when many men come into their prime.

I'm older than you now (and experiencing how much looks and fitness can decline, despite best efforts, in one's 50s!)

Back in the day though, my Mum had just hit 50, my stepfather had just run off with another woman, and she'd had a brief and unsuccessful fling with a man her age afterwards.

She met a chap at a work conference who was not even four years older than me and they clicked immediately. For a few months they had a wonderful time, travelled together. She broke it off though when she met someone more her age - she said her young BF would want children some day and it was for the best.

When she died we found a photo of him in her wallet. She and the chap her age had been very happy together but she'd never forgotten him. Happy memories.

So from that I'd say, enjoy yourselves now. But long-term?

If you stay together she risks being stuck caring for your children, her elderly relatives, and you, all at the same time, and that's just a nervous breakdown in the making. If you're rich enough to make all of that not a problem then ok though (and say hi to Bill Gates for us!).

I think there's quite a difference between 45 and 55 tbh.

You sound lovely and I understand all the kind posters telling you age is just a number and to go for it. You're obviously not daft though. You remember being 27, how much have you changed in the last 20 years? I know I'm a completely different person in many respects (you and I are similar ages). I absolutely didn't want kids at that age, my life goals were different to now. At the end of the day there's a very small chance it will work out, occasionally it does but for the vast majority of relationships with a gap this big, it doesn't. No reason you should end the relationship if you're having fun but you need to be realistic of the long term prospects. When she's your age you'll be nearly 70.

At 27 would you have settled down with an almost 50 year old woman?

@GreenlandTheMovie

I literally do not know any woman in their twenties who would get involved with a man 20 years older and move in with them, unless they had father issues or wanted the security of a house and some financial help. So I can only think of 2 such women in all my life, and one of them isn't very happy. I know it happens, but it seems very unusual in a postgrad student with her pick of other students, so it does sound as though she is very unusual in this regard.

I also struggle to think of any man fortunate enough to find himself in such a position to doubt himself and post on mumsnet about it. Having had the bravery to go for a much younger woman in the first place would usually indicate that you wouldn't have any doubts about such an age gap, because its much harder in the initial stages with more to overcome.

27 is really young. She isn't even 30 and you are nearly 50. What can you possibly have in common? Even your comments. Its like you're reading from the "Perfect Textbook of Model Responses to Questions About an Older Man dating a Much Younger Woman".

Not wishing to be rude, but realistically, the average British man nearing 50 looks pretty awful unless they are very careful with their diet and exercise regime, and a 27 year old is at her most attractive. There must be some variable here that makes this not the average 27 year old. Its just a bit unbelievable. And she doesn't mind you spending an evening typing into a screen on mumsnet while you're together either?

^this. Women who go for such age gaps usually have underlying issues, whether they recognise it themselves or not, or an ulterior motive. It's just not normal to go for someone who's old enough to be your own dad and a different generation from you altogether.

I honestly don't understand how men (it's almost always men) can get together with and sleep with someone young enough to be their own child! Really disturbing. If the OP has kids, they won't be far from his girlfriend's current age. I think you should let her go OP, stop using up her youthful years.

@2021isalsorubbish

At 27 would you have settled down with an almost 50 year old woman?

Exactly.

It’s probably about 90% likely that she will want children. Is this something you want or are prepared to do for her? If not let her go.

What do your family and friends think OP, we have no idea of the landscape, agendas or issues. I would look to the people who love you for advice.

A few men in my circle have 'fallen in love' with younger women , without exception they have ended up on their own, lost the respect of friends and family and yes, I do think they are 'old fools'.

What do your friends think, how about your son?

A friend of mine married a man 25 years older than her - lovely in the first few years but she ended up being a carer for many years. After he died she had a lovely new romance with a man her own age ❤️❤️

Is she paying her way? If not, then yes, you may well be an old fool.

We see this all the time the other way around : Brenda age 50 falls in love with 27 year old Ahmet a Turkish waiter. Brenda thinks Ahmet loves her for her, and not for her money. Yeah. Riiiiiight.

OP, it was foolish indeed of you not to have asked the wise people of MN for permission before you embarked on this relationship. Tsk Tsk
It's not too late however and there is a way to redeem yourself: set her free immediately!!
Her wishes in this must be disregarded, the wise people of MN (praise be to their infinite wisdom!) do not grant agency to a woman who chooses to be with a geriatric. And in future, heed that the people of MN are not just wise (praise be to their infinite wisdom!), but can see into the future too (praise be to their powers of precognition!) . Their pronouncements shall be followed.

@midnightcolours

Really what was the point of that 😂😂 I get the feeling there are a lot of people who just don't understand how these opinion giving boards work 🤦‍♀️

@Marley20, anything to make you smile in these testing times

@onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad

Old wrinkled skin at 48! Really? Most 48year olds I know are trim and fit. The way people are talking anyone would think the OP was an old age pensioner. 48 is still young.

And why shouldn't a younger woman be attracted to someone more established and with money - it's not 'sad' or 'creepy' - it's sensible. Doesn't mean she's just with you for that, she's clearly attracted to you as well.

I had a relationship with someone your age OP when I was in my twenties - it's no biggie. Just enjoy it, it may last or it may not but that's the same for any relationship.

I don't think I'm off the age group that is indoctrinated to find older men automatically attractive (apologies to those from older age groups who aren't attracted to them either). There really are very few men in their late forties who have smooth unwrinkled skin, all their own hair, good teeth and are without pot bellies.

I would tend to make assumptions about a nearly 50 year old man with a 27 year old girlfriend, which could of course be overcome by becoming friends with such a couple. I would tend to assume the man was a bit of an ageing player, and avoid him myself in case he tried it on, I would tend to assume that he had cheated on his wife because he prefers younger women and thats why he got divorced. I would tend to assume there is a bit of a temporary sugar daddy relationship going on with the woman and that she has made a calculated decision to ignore men her own age for some reason. I would tend to assume the relationship is temporary and tbh I do find ageing men who go from one woman to another a bit grim. Its really, really easy to get an older man attracted in you, compared to men your own age who are for want of a better expression, "a bit of a catch".

I would also tend to assume that a man of 48 who writes about a relationship with a much younger woman on a site like mumsnet, is trying to find out how to appeal to other women, so he can say the right things.

Whereas a man of 48 with a similarly aged partner who is attractive, intelligent, cultured or just has a sparkling personality, I would admire and feel relaxed with, in a way that I would be wary and inwardly cringing at the 48 year old with the 27 year old girlfriend.

Again, all assumptions which could be dispelled. But then, during lockdown, I've had so many older divorced/seperated men contact me on Facebook (I don't do online dating and I don't have that heart icon thing that indicates you do FB dating) and they are all unbelievably annoying, patronising and mildly offensive. They all seem to think that any woman will be delighted to have contact from then, when in reality they are ten a penny. Other friends have reported this problem too - I think it happens when one of your friends accepts them and they then scroll through their friends list. Tip - never open messages in your "Others" folder...

I still remember the shock when I met my one friend who has always favoured older men since she had an affair with a married men while at uni. I met her in the airport with her boyfriend, who was 25 years older than her but looked much older still, he was literally a wizened elderly man with snow white hair. It was really really shocking - of course me and my boyfriend didn't say anything at the time but afterwards we both turned to each other and said "Was that real?" Its not even a happy relationship as she always seems to be criticising him on FB and she obviously has some kind of issues.

If you think these views are a bit harsh, just scroll past - the OP is canvassing opinion and deserves to hear viewpoints like this as well as the pat-on-the-back ones.

I'm 51 and have had men of various ages writing me messages on Facebook. I think that is mainly a "con artist" thing, not an "older men looking for younger women" thing. I just ignore those friend requests entirely, but a friend of mine (same age as OP) who does do FB dating is now going out with a man 10 years younger than her who friend-requested her on FB.

Don't assume that just because you are young, and you get messages, that those two things are necessarily related.

Just reading Captain Tom's obituary.

At the age of 48, he married his second wife, who was 33. They had 2 children. Tom retired at 72 to look after his younger wife, who began suffering from dementia in her 60s. He outlived her by 15 years - their age difference.

Interesting to read the assumptions people probably made about Tom and his marriage back in the day!