Am I an old fool?

[astaxan]

I am 48 and in a relationship with a woman who is 27. I think if it hadn't been for lockdown it would have been quite a short term relationship. My wife and I divorced in 2018 and have one adult son.

My girlfriend is a post graduate student and we began seeing each other in december 2019 after meeting socially. I had dated a bit prior to meeting her mostly women my own age but hadn't gelled with anyone until I met her. She was lovely and seemed to really like me so I just went with it and never expected it to last this long.

The pandemic meant that some time abroad for her never happened and at the start of the autumn lockdown I asked her to move in with me, which she seemed really happy about. We've been living together now for 4 months and its blissful. She's amazing and not to mince words I'm completely in love with her. I just worry that I'm being an old fool to think that she will want to be with me long term. She says not to worry what will be will be but I feel at 48 I don't have the same youthful sense of time.

I'm almost 50 and don't want more children which she says she is fine with but perhaps she will change her mind? I'll be an old man while she is still young!

Am I just being paranoid or am I an old fool about to get badly hurt?

I'm not sure what you're really asking here.

I can't imagine being 27 and choosing someone near 50 when there are hoards of late 20s 30s men out there. Unless I wanted money, connections, or something.

Men really don't age very well either. Paunchy, balding, ED, set in ways, is just not attractive.

Yes it sounds like a cliche, but you are you, not a cliche.

I'd love to meet a 48 year old - plenty of men in their 40s are still youthful and attractive, plenty of men in their 20s and 30s are paunchy and bald. (I am older than you OP, as you may have guessed!)

Its unlikely, but not impossible that this could last. Meanwhile you are happy. Yes you could get your heart broken, but in my view, she has more to lose than you, as she is coming up to the age where most women have to make serious life choices - perhaps she doesn't realise that yet.

I agree with the saying that "it's better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all". I'd say just go with the flow but be realistic about the long term prospects.

@ravenmum

Just reading Captain Tom's obituary.

At the age of 48, he married his second wife, who was 33. They had 2 children. Tom retired at 72 to look after his younger wife, who began suffering from dementia in her 60s. He outlived her by 15 years - their age difference.

Interesting to read the assumptions people probably made about Tom and his marriage back in the day!

You do realise that when Captain Tom married his second wife, the Equal Pay Act had only recently been passed and we were still in a world where women were routinely paid less and denied careers and were having to bring cases to court for the basic working rights we have today?

In that era, 50 years ago, marrying an older man for financial security would still have been a big thing. Now, there is much less point.

@ravenmum

I'm 51 and have had men of various ages writing me messages on Facebook. I think that is mainly a "con artist" thing, not an "older men looking for younger women" thing. I just ignore those friend requests entirely, but a friend of mine (same age as OP) who does do FB dating is now going out with a man 10 years younger than her who friend-requested her on FB.

Don't assume that just because you are young, and you get messages, that those two things are necessarily related.

No, its not the conman type of message at all. These are from men in my city (I mean, I still get the conman type) but they are real men, with several friends in common. I even know of the reputation that two of them have for shagging around and being pretty generally revolting.

Exactly the same age gap with me and DP. We've been together for almost 4 years so while it's not the longest relationship in the world it's long enough to know that we get on incredibly well, have lots in common. And enjoy living together. We've been in each other's pockets for the last year thanks to lockdown and it's been great. We haven't pissed each other off. I can't say whether we'll be together forever, or what issues might occur in the future, but I do know that we're both very happy at the moment.

That's a MASSIVE gap 'conventionally' as in a 'love relationship'. However, in the current climate all over the internet girls in their 20's are being taught to date a man +20 years older for financial security. Listen to Sheraseven1 on youtube as an example. These young women often comment on how they date repulsive men that are older and she teaches them how to suck it up for a better life or live with the consequences of a gorgeous nobody who can't keep them. I can not see why someone as young as your girlfriend would want to forgo handsome sexy men her own age unless you came with something a bit more than they offered. I would seriously think about what you are doing and ask yourself why are you relating to such young women? Are you immature yourself? Are you after a trophy? Do you feel you are too hot for people your own age? I don't really think it's normal for a 'love age gap' and if I were you I would be a afraid indeed 'of the end'

PS I did try to date an extremely wealthy guy myself who was short and 18 years my senior. I MADE myself like him and I did vomit in my mouth a little but in the end I just couldn't ...... I did put on a very good love act too!
But the guy was just a dinasour.

It's a big age difference, but if she's happy and you're happy, why would you rock the boat?

I assume you are providing a better quality of life than she could otherwise enjoy, and she is providing her youth and vitality. Things may change if she is likely to earn more or wants to have a family (you would be wise to ensure that decision is not made without your agreement). But in the meantime it sounds like a good deal for everyone, especially with a pandemic on.

Just enjoy

I know a couple of couples with similar age gaps

One couple are friends of my parents, the lady is 63 and her DH is 87. Still happy together. No children. There aren't care issues yet but they have funds to cover that, which I think is the main thing.

@ LunaHeather ...'funds to cover' being key to why the marriage lasted so long.

@mumieone

@ LunaHeather ...'funds to cover' being key to why the marriage lasted so long.

Maybe Maybe not

I can imagine her being like my mum and wanting to do it herself but who knows

With a bit of luck, that time will not come.

They didn't start out well off but have a similar attitude to frugality to me. And obviously salaries and house prices were kinder to them.

I haven't seen them for nearly a year but the last time, we took a Waitrose cake and we all oohed and aahed over it! 😂

DH is 16 years older than me, late 40's. We're both highly educated and for part of our relationship, I actually earned more than he did. Now it's pretty much equal. He isn't grey, wrinkled, pot bellied, or suffering from ED. 😂 I also have no weird issues that have 'forced my hand'. I just really fancied him, he was clever and a bit daft like me.

Maybe I will end up being his carer, or he'll end up being mine - maybe I'll get knocked over by a bus. Who knows. Who cares?

Only thing I'd worry about, OP, is the kids thing. DH hadn't been married and had no kids, so he wanted a baby too. I think that could be more of an issue than your age gap.

48 is not old. I think you should just relax and see where this relationship takes you. If cracks appear in the future - fine - but just enjoy this time x

Enjoy enjoy enjoy and do not overthink! She’s a mature 27 year old by the sounds of it and capable of making her own decisions. Some people that age or older aren’t?! Regarding the children thing deal with that when it happens! Also there’s some very attractive 50 year olds out there and if they’re young at heart even more fabulous! Being the similar in age does not give you similar life experiences at all . I’m 34 and the amount of crap life has thrown at me since the age of 10 makes me realise when I date someone my age they cannot relate to certain things at all and I struggle with that. Some older people can, but they’ve sometimes seen a bit more and that it’s self is attractive. Not all I may add either way. I’ve dated a 53 year old for a year and it was fab. Boosted him and me . No regrets! It ended because I didn’t want to be tied down after my divorce is all and I’m still very much finding my feet. Enjoy!

Read it as 50 not 48 so seriously don’t worry 🤣😝

This thread is chock full of generalisations and stereotypes about gender, age and nationality and they're all nonsense. MNers have very cliched minds sometimes.

Stop pre-empting problems that don't exist yet! Of course they may crop up and you'll cross that bridge when you get there. Maybe the relationship won't last forever but that'd be true if you were both 27 or both 48, too.

Worst case scenario is that the age difference (or indeed something else) gets in the way if she does want kids (though she may not), in a few years' time. In which case you'll still have had a "blissful" relationship in your own words - that's not wasted time!

FWIW many of the women I've known who've had much older boyfriends were in academia - mostly because they didn't find 20-something men intellectually stimulating. Some of those lasted, some didn't, there wasn't any pattern to that.

Also should note that a lot of the women I know who have opted to be child-free are also in academia. It's a world where people are less bothered about conventional life paths than most of MN.

I'm 46 and DP is 28.

There are pros and cons. I love his energy and enthusiasm for life. The physicality of him. He loves my confidence and openness.

Perhaps we'll last for many years to come. Perhaps we'll split next year. Who knows?

But for now we're enjoying every moment together and couldn't give a toss what other people think.

Why would you care what other people think? It's your life, your relationship. Do what makes you happy today. 😀

@ Sunflower1970 48 is old. It's nearly 50 and when you're looking for a life partner like he is time is no longer on your side to see how the wind blows or go with the flow.

You have to be strategic and make choices now that you are going to be happy with in a few years. illnesses statistically are more likely to set in or you may get male pattern baldness or develop a beer belly or who knows what but you're not going to look like the hot 35 year old with a 6 pack. Things become a bit more competitive and your choices in the dating pool start to narrow down.

Now while he has the chance it is right to consider. Do you choose someone in your league that you're comfortable with that can last the mile or do you take a gamble of someone who has more potential to be taking you for a short ride and leave you alone, older, unattractive and toothless with little to no options. Yes it's generalising but it's the mature angle of thought rather than just winging it.

Planners in life tend to be happier in the end at achieving better things/

Mate, if you are happy why you think about the consequences? Live the moment, 48 is a pretty young age. Don't overthink. Especially, you had such a bad relationship and you saw already that any relationship may be ended in one day so just enjoy it's your life :)

I know a couple with this size age gap - again, younger women, older man - and they seem very happy together and have been together now for over 20 years. So it can work! If you're happy together then just see how it goes.

My dad is 61, his partner is 42. They're very happy with two kids, and have been to together for 15 years. Of course it can work.

My father was 16 years older than my mother and they had a wonderful relationship until he died. And although she was only 56 she never remarried. Love can cross boundaries.