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Original poster

DH wants better sex...

68 replies

QueenofTheCandles · 02/02/2021 08:18

DH (33) and I (40h have been together for 7 years. We have 2 young DC and I have 3 DC from previous marriage. I’m a sahm, he works long hours.

For the first few months we had sex a few times a day. This slowly dwindled with life/kids and now it’s a couple of times a week.

Once every few months I’ll completely relax and it’ll be ‘mind blowing’ for him. I’ll initiate and we’ll use toys etc. The rest of the time we tend to do it before bed, a bit tired and stick to the same 3 positions.

I know he has a much higher sex drive than me, I’m exhausted looking after DC and sex isn’t high on my list of priorities. I think a couple of times a week is fine and that his expectations are unrealistic.

He thinks that I don’t fancy him anymore, that he wants to get the spark back and that our sex life is mediocre. He wants me to put in more effort and relax and have more mind blowing sex.

I feel quite hurt and angry by this.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofTheCandles · 02/02/2021 08:50

I’ve just asked for this to be moved to relationships

OP posts:
mooncats · 02/02/2021 09:10

He has to be more realistic and supportive . You're not going to be at it several times a day if you're exhausted from looking after young children .

Babbo65 · 02/02/2021 10:18

Couple of times a week with 5 kids sounds like a lot to me Grin

Original poster
QueenofTheCandles · 02/02/2021 11:24

Well thats what I thought. Apparently he harks back to the exiting, frequent porn-esque sex of the early days and feels this is a completing reasonable expectation for our sex life.

OP posts:
AIMD · 02/02/2021 11:27

His expectations seem totally unreasonable. Surely have more frequent more wild sex early in a relationship before that reducing later in the relationship is normal?

Does he watch porn or masturbate a lot?

justanotherneighinparadise · 02/02/2021 11:27

This is just life OP. You have kids and get caught up in the domestic drudgery, particularly in a pandemic, and sex takes a back seat. It’s calked being a grown up and accepting your not 18 anymore.

Ohalrightthen · 02/02/2021 11:27

Tbh, there're few things more irritating than boring sex - i think you both owe it to each other to put the effort in if you're actually going to do the deed. If the sex you're currently having isn't working for him, then he's completely right to ask you to try and change it up! Surely you'd like to have better sex too?

LizFlowers · 02/02/2021 11:28

It isn't a reasonable expectation. He has to learn to make the most of what you have which sounds normal to me. Having five children is hard work.

Original poster
QueenofTheCandles · 02/02/2021 11:28

Probably, I would be surprised. Not in front of me though.

OP posts:
Original poster
QueenofTheCandles · 02/02/2021 11:28

*wouldn’t

OP posts:
Emmie2021 · 02/02/2021 11:29

Sometimes sex drives are mismatched.. I would try and make time for quality sex over quantity - hard though with kids around !

Prettybubblesintheair · 02/02/2021 11:31

That actually sounds like a decent sex life to me! As life goes on your sex life will change especially with 5 kids around! Are any of them teenagers? You cannot really easily have mind blowing porn style sex with teens in the house! Has he been watching a lot of porn lately? Does he have younger friends who describe their acrobatic sex lives? If my dh said that to me I’d be quite upset, raising 5 children is hard work the last thing you need is someone asking you to preform porn in the bedroom. With me and dh I initiate a lot, give oral sex a lot and we have it in various places (well, bed and sofa) with a few positions and the times vary from bedtime, morning but mostly afternoon early evenings. Could your dh mean that he wants more variety in times, who comes onto who etc? I really don’t know what he’s complaining about! What equates to “mind blowing” for him? It sounds like it’s maybe just a case of wanting you to be “really up for it” which is a fucking lot to ask someone with 5 kids!

AverageGuy · 02/02/2021 12:38

@QueenofTheCandles
If this were normal times, I'd say go on holiday for a week, leaving him to be a SAHD, and then see how he feels about sex three or four times a day afterwards...

imho, he is being totally unreasonable. Does he wfh at the moment? I bet if he does, he's "locked away" in an office somewhere, and is oblivious of what you have to do to keep the kids occupied / home schooled / whatever, on top of cooking, cleaning, household stuff, etc, etc..

I'd say you need a honest talk with him. Finding time is going to be difficult, but you need to try.

Explain to him what your day is like (use small words Grin), how there are so manty demands on your time and body, and it's not that you don't fancy him, it's just that you are totally knickered, and if he wants more sex, maybe he should help out a little... (or something along those lines)

Pyewhacket · 02/02/2021 12:43

Just waiting for : is he pulling his weight at home !

Remaker · 02/02/2021 12:57

@Ohalrightthen

Tbh, there're few things more irritating than boring sex - i think you both owe it to each other to put the effort in if you're actually going to do the deed. If the sex you're currently having isn't working for him, then he's completely right to ask you to try and change it up! Surely you'd like to have better sex too?
For you perhaps. I can think of dozens of things more irritating to me. Why must the person who wants to hang from the chandeliers need to get their way if the other person is satisfied with the way things are now? She has FIVE children! He is entitled to ask for more and she is just as entitled to explain why she doesn’t have the energy or the inclination to have the sex life of a twenty year old.
FinnGermey · 02/02/2021 13:03

A couple of times a week, plenty of oral and you initiate? I would say he's pretty bloody lucky tbh!
Try a couple of times a month and never initiated, then start complaining......

DoctorManhattan · 02/02/2021 13:05

If sex is mind blowing every time, it will stop being mind blowing. Does that make sense? You have to have 'normal' sessions for those really amazing ones to stand out against.

I think his expectations are completely unrealistic, no-one can maintain that level of porn-esque sex as a relationship moves on and life/work/kids/stress/etc increase.

YouJustDoYou · 02/02/2021 13:08

He's being utterly.unrealistic.

Eckhart · 02/02/2021 13:08

He wants me to put in more effort and relax

And you want to have sex that fits your requirements, too. Whose requirements are more important?

This problem isn't about your sex life. It's about the fact that you have an issue and you're not tackling it as a couple. You're tackling it as 2 individuals. Making more effort to understand each other will benefit your relationship (and probably your sex life) much more than deciding to do it 'his way' or 'your way'.

MMmomDD · 02/02/2021 17:24

TBH - I do see both sides to this.
You met him when he was quite young - 26.
You are 7 years older than him.
And originally - there was a lot of adventurous and frequent sex.
I don’t think it’s totally fair now for you to say - I know he has a higher sex drive, but I think he should be happy with what he’s got now.
He clearly isn’t.
Your relationship was clearly quite highly charged sexually originally - just switching it off ok one side and expecting him to fall in line isnt fair.

It’s like when someone makes an effort earlier in a relationship and then just stops.

All that said - of course having kids changes things. But those are choices you made jointly - I presume?
And that still doesn’t justify the ‘3 positions’ situation.

I think just brushing this under a carpet and expecting him to just accept it won’t work in the long term. He is still quite a young man; with a strong sex drive and need for varried sex, that you were aware of when you met. And your age difference doesn’t work in your favour. (I realise I’d be criticised for this comment, as it’s not PC, but it’s objective)
So - you two need to find some compromise - where he may need to adjust his expectations somewhat - and you may need to put in more effort.

MaLarkinn · 02/02/2021 17:27

Why hurt and angry?
What did you say to him?
I think it's great he's started a conversation about it to be honest.

ThePlantsitter · 02/02/2021 17:32

He wants you to make more effort and relax. And yet it's him that wants mindblowing sex so it should be him making the effort to get you to relax! I mean women are often advised (not really on here) to try fancy underwear etc and make themselves fanciable if their H has gone off sex so maybe have a think about what HE can do to make you feel more like it. If there's anything. If there isn't he's going to have to deal isn't he.

Do you enjoy the sex you have already?

ukgift2016 · 02/02/2021 17:32

@MMmomDD you obviously have a problem with the age difference.

He is a grown ass man, he doesn't need you sticking up for his sexual needs. Sexist attitude too as if ages were reversed, you see no problem with the age gap.

Personally, I think he one of those selfish, pig men who don't realise how lucky they have it. Twice a week is good.

MerryDecembermas · 02/02/2021 17:36

Twice a year would be an issue maybe. Twice a week?! He has no idea

wintermoths · 02/02/2021 17:42

I agree that he has no bloody idea how lucky he is! He needs to wake up and learn some gratitude!

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