DH wants better sex...

[QueenofTheCandles]

DH (33) and I (40h have been together for 7 years. We have 2 young DC and I have 3 DC from previous marriage. I’m a sahm, he works long hours.

For the first few months we had sex a few times a day. This slowly dwindled with life/kids and now it’s a couple of times a week.

Once every few months I’ll completely relax and it’ll be ‘mind blowing’ for him. I’ll initiate and we’ll use toys etc. The rest of the time we tend to do it before bed, a bit tired and stick to the same 3 positions.

I know he has a much higher sex drive than me, I’m exhausted looking after DC and sex isn’t high on my list of priorities. I think a couple of times a week is fine and that his expectations are unrealistic.

He thinks that I don’t fancy him anymore, that he wants to get the spark back and that our sex life is mediocre. He wants me to put in more effort and relax and have more mind blowing sex.

I feel quite hurt and angry by this.

@ukgift2016

Where did I say I had a problem?
I am simply saying that having married a younger and highly sexed partner - one shouldn’t be surprised that their partner has those needs.
It doesn’t matter what gender the parents are. It’d be exactly the same if an older man put in effort earlier in a relationship to ‘get the girl’ - and then stopped once he got her.
I’d say the same.

They need to figure things out. Ignoring the physical needs of one of the partners - needs that were known (rather than suddenly revealed) - won’t lead to anything good.

No marriage has even been strengthened where one partner said - we are having boring sex and not enough of it -
and the other responded - you should be happy with what you got.
This is how affairs and married dating sites come to exist.

Sorry this is blunt and non-MN-PC but it’s the truth.

This is just typical of family life , and the different stages you go through in a marriage. You must be exhausted, he’s lucky to get it twice a week ! Does he the least idea of how draining it is to look after children and everything else ? On the plus side, the old sexual feelings do tend to return as the children get older. He needs to grow up.

MMmomDD I shouldn't worry about being blunt and non PC, particularly in answer to ukgift16 who just used the phrase 'sexist pig men'. What a charmer!

I do think you have to mix it up a bit to keep it fresh to the point I would say instead of doing it in a mediocre routine way twice a week why not just have one cosy one and one wild 'relaxed' one a fortnight instead - quality over quantity. And of course, he has to do his bit to relax you, by helping you feel relaxed however that presents itself, on the prelude.

This is so sad to say when 'it was known'. That was before 2 extra children.
Even without kids , you go through less exciting phases.
Not every couple can have their 'needs ' met 100% all the time. Sexual or otherwise.

@Pyewhacket

Just waiting for : is he pulling his weight at home !

To be fair it's a crucial question. It's hard to feel sexy of you're a domestic drudge and feel bitter.

@wintermoths

I agree that he has no bloody idea how lucky he is! He needs to wake up and learn some gratitude!

What's he meant to be grateful for? Is OP meant to be having sex with him as a favour? I hope this isn't what you meant.

Are you the DW of the bloke who posted yesterday? Pretty much word for word the same, but I don't think they had kids IIRC. He said sex was boring, wanted to shag on the sofa. She lay there and thought of England 2-3 times a week and told him he should be happy with that.

Funnily enough on THAT post, everyone thought the wife was being unreasonable. Now everyone is taking your side on this one.

At the end of the day, you either need to find a compromise or one of you will end the relationship.

I would tell him that after he has done all the housework, childcare, home admin, cooking and any wife work for 2 years you will be less exhausted and then you’ll talk about your sex life.

Put more effort in! But relax!

Ha.

How old are the young children?

@OiAlexaShutUp

In the other thread the women doesn't enjoy sex.

The op does.

Sounds completely different to me.

[quote TowandaForever]@OiAlexaShutUp

In the other thread the women doesn't enjoy sex.

The op does.

Sounds completely different to me. [/quote]
No, her husband said she doesn't enjoy it. She might enjoy it just fine and wonder what he is complaining about

Just all seems a bit of a coincidence to me.

@QueenofTheCandles

Well thats what I thought. Apparently he harks back to the exiting, frequent porn-esque sex of the early days and feels this is a completing reasonable expectation for our sex life.

Is that because his life has not changed so much and he is not doing a lot of child care? Totally unrealistic of him - maybe you could tell him that you find him doing childcare and household chores is great foreplay?

People saying he is lucky and should be grateful is so laughable.

Poor guy should live on scraps and settle with what he's got because it could be worse.

Almost insinuates she's doing him a favour.

She may be knackered, so may he after a tough day at work earning for the family. And maybe a decent bonk would help him relax.

Twice a week is tons especially when you have 5 kids! And I love sex.

@Ac198 'scraps' 😂 concentrate on your own thread and sex life. You don't even have kids yet or know what it's like!

If he wanted loads of shagging he shouldn’t have impregnated you twice, he just sabotaged himself really 🤣

[quote Elmo311]@Ac198 'scraps' 😂 concentrate on your own thread and sex life. You don't even have kids yet or know what it's like! [/quote]
You concentrate on yours too then.

I'm just giving my opinion.

Thanks for noticing though I hoped someone would

Tbh your description of (his) mind blowing sex doesn't sound like something that is easily achieved with children in the house, especially not small children which given the length of your relationship I'm guessing 2 of them are.

It also sounds like you get little time together on your own and that you do the bulk of the home/kid stuff.

I know a babysitter is out of the question at the moment. How would the kids be if you put them downstairs for half an hour (or an hour depending on age) with the TV on a Sunday morning?

I totally sympathise with bedtime sex being hard work to spice up- I'm knackered and even if I'm up for it mostly just want someone to please me.

Have you had a discussion about how you can both work to carve out more time for it.

If he says that timetabling it would take the shine off then I think you need to be blunt with him: 5 kids in the house does not equal spontaneous mind blowing sex. It equals spontaneous very quick sex (often disturbed) if you're lucky.

@Ac198 I'm very observant :)

Tell him that to feel more relaxed and sexy you need more time to yourself. He needs to look after the kids and clean the house say on a Saturday so that you can paint your toenails, shave your legs and think sexy thoughts.

Get a lock for the bedroom door and just sleep most of the time, watch Netflix’s / whatever.

Once lockdown is over, tell him you are taking up a sport to keep yourself in shape for all the mind blowing sex. Make sure this sport takes up one night a week and one day of the weekend. You know, like men’s hobbies.

I guarantee that if you come home to a clean house, happy kids and dinner on the table every Saturday night , you will feel like shagging him.

@Ac198

People saying he is lucky and should be grateful is so laughable.

Poor guy should live on scraps and settle with what he's got because it could be worse.

Almost insinuates she's doing him a favour.

She may be knackered, so may he after a tough day at work earning for the family. And maybe a decent bonk would help him relax.

Disgusting attitude. Who even calls it bonking?

I don’t understand why men like your partner have kids. Why? It always ends up the same. Dissatisfied because they aren’t getting mind blowing porn sex three times a day. Their partner is now tired rather than gagging for it. It’s so predictable and tedious. You’re probably best to kick him to the kerb now rather than a few years time when he sticks it in someone childless and ten years younger.

I agree that he has no bloody idea how lucky he is!

Aren’t they both meant to feel lucky? Sex is meant to be enjoyed by both, it’s not a quid pro quo

Pressuring you and nagging you to 'relax more's isnt really going to help you relax is it! Is he doing anything to help you relax?

Sounds to me like he could do with putting more effort in to helping you be in the mood, and you could perhaps work on maybe surprising him a bit?
It's so easy to say that he is being unreasonable or that you are being unreasonable, but it takes two people to have a relationship. You need to have a proper conversation with eachother without accusing or getting defensive and work things out.