DH wants better sex...

[QueenofTheCandles]

DH (33) and I (40h have been together for 7 years. We have 2 young DC and I have 3 DC from previous marriage. I’m a sahm, he works long hours.

For the first few months we had sex a few times a day. This slowly dwindled with life/kids and now it’s a couple of times a week.

Once every few months I’ll completely relax and it’ll be ‘mind blowing’ for him. I’ll initiate and we’ll use toys etc. The rest of the time we tend to do it before bed, a bit tired and stick to the same 3 positions.

I know he has a much higher sex drive than me, I’m exhausted looking after DC and sex isn’t high on my list of priorities. I think a couple of times a week is fine and that his expectations are unrealistic.

He thinks that I don’t fancy him anymore, that he wants to get the spark back and that our sex life is mediocre. He wants me to put in more effort and relax and have more mind blowing sex.

I feel quite hurt and angry by this.

What an entitled, unrealistic, immature, deluded bugger he is then! You're doing well at twice a week with 5 kids!

Jeez.. he is asking for over and above a normal relationship between 2 people over 30 with children. Most people have the normal, comfortable, familiar sex regularly, then a big blow out session with lingerie, toys etc once in a while. That’s normal surely??

It sounds to me like the problem is the fact you only show that you're interested every few months.

The other times sound more like you just do it to get it over with. It's no surprise he doesn't feel like you fancy him.

Youre not wrong for feeling tired. But he also isn't wrong for wanting to feel wanted. A compromise needs to be made.

How much help is he giving with the children? Maybe if he helped more it would use up some of that surplus energy.

It sounds to me like the problem is the fact you only show that you're interested every few months.

Not being the one who initiates sex doesn't equate to being uninterested. If you really feel that OP has an obligation to initiate it twice a week and think of ever more inventive ideas, positions, etc, you have a very strange idea of what a normal, healthy sex life is.

@Nith no that's not what I meant.
But if your partner was only actively showing interest in sex every few months, would you feel confident that they were interested in you sexually?

The fact that he is saying he doesn't feel like OP fancies him, makes it seem like he doesnt feel like she is interested. From what OP has posted, those two things connect and could be part of the issue.

I dont know how anything I have said indicates that OP should initiate sex twice a week or think of ways to spice things up.

I dont know how anything I have said indicates that OP should initiate sex twice a week or think of ways to spice things up.

Because, @TheChip, your post reads as if you think that, when OP says she only initiates sex and does loads of adventurous things fairly rarely, those are the only times she is actually interested.

OP doesn't suggest she's uninterested in sex the times when she doesn't initiate it. It sounds to me that it's like the attitude most of us have when we have small children - we want to have sex, we enjoy it when we do, but we're too knackered to go for anything more adventurous than tried and trusted positions without having to re-enact porn fantasies. Frankly, if my husband said he thinks I have to demonstrate that I fancy him by putting loads of effort into mind-blowing sex at least twice a week, I'd find it so exhausting I'd probably end up taking vows of celibacy.

I'm reminded of that quote from Mrs Patrick Campbell about marriage as the “deep, deep peace of the double bed after the hurly-burly of the chaise longue”. It sounds as if OP's husband thinks there's no reason why they shouldn't be sticking with the chaise-longue even with five kids to look after.

'Mind-blowing' several times a day would get very boring indeed! He'd soon be begging you to let him read his catalogue on vinyl flooring.

If in a legal Country, try cannabis edibles for you

And bromide for him.

In all seriousness, a Mis-Matched sex drive is a bad thing for both partners.

By 'Relaxing' I suppose he means a softer face, and happiertp go with the flow rather than looking preoccupied or distracted..or worse, using your phone over his shoulder to do the grocery order.

Can the spark be bought back after kids??

Possibly it can.

I knew a good looking young couple who had sex once a YEAR.

Twice a week is a reasonable amount if he is good at it.

Good grief! FI?vE Children and you manage

Twice a week>??

Have a Medal!

Op's husband moans on Men's forum....

''Now Iv'e 5 kids, our sex life has dwindled''

Men on forum ''Mate, that sucks. When did you notice?''

Op's husband: ''Twice last night and once this morning''

He sounds terribly immature.

This again. The horse bolted when you got with a guy with a 'high sex drive' and several times a day with 3 kids and then had 2 more. Of course it's going to change, there are FIVE kids in the mix and you're both working long hours. But several times a day/pornesque men are sadly often unchangeable until they get ED.

Ask him what his suggestions are then, other than all you.

My h and I have a similar age gap but neither of us had kids when we got together. Personally, by the time we did get together, similar ages to you, I dismissed several times a day guys/pornesque guys because I realised that it wasn't going to be realistic with a shared goal of having kids together and tbh, they were all boring with their cock all hard all the time, even if good in bed. God, don't you want to do something else? My ex was mind-blowingly good in bed but even he had interests besides sex several times a day. I'd been bored AF. I'm in awe you accomplished this with 3 kids already. Sadly, that's by the by for you now.

Bounce the ball right back at him. 'What do you suggest we do to spice it up, not just me, but us?'

When he decided to add more kids into the mix did he think your sex life would stay the same? I’m not surprised your tired looking after 5 kids! I think he sounds lucky tbh.

It does some a little mediocre to be honest. Sex is the glue that keeps couples together and you should at least have a chat about how you both feel and see what can be addressed in the circumstances.

Whisper in his ear-“Darling, you what would make me feel like more mind blowing sex?...
NOT BEING SO FUCKING KNACKERED ALL THE TIME!”
As a parent of 4, I am in awe of your several times a week. But remind him there’s nothing so unsexy about an ungrateful, thoughtless person.

Prince rang up and wants his 23 positions back and his night stand.
yes I know he is dead and it was a one night stand, I amuse myself
I don't know OP, it just sounds so...exhausting.
Although you did raise a smile by reminding me of Garth Merenghi.
They tried all the positions: on top, doggy, and normal.
I am not sure what to tell you - Clearly, my vanilla leanings of You go on top. No, you. Ah alright then. wouldn't go down that well with your fella. thank God all my partners have been as lazy as I am so pathetically grateful for the above