Lost my husband, lost some friends, where do I go from here?

[Changeispossible]

My husband and I separated in the summer - it was for the best but I feel excruciatingly lonely without him. He has our dog and I miss them both so much. I'm not sure people realise that separation is like bereavement. Friends have told me to 'shake it off' and to 'leave the past behind.' I am okay when I'm working but the weekends and evenings are tougher. I find myself just curling up on the bed to cry. I also try hard to do things and I force myself out for walks and I arrange zoom calls with friends/family because I know how important mental health is.

Last year, a friendship I had with a close friend ended. I am honestly not over this. I felt I was being treated badly by her and her husband, who is also my friend, and I ended up telling her after she pushed me to find out...she didn't appreciate it and ended the friendship in the most opaque way. I had to read between a lot of lines to find out what was going on.

I still look on her very active social media and she is honestly thriving. She does more in a day than I do in a week - she doesn't work near as much as I do and is financially dependent on her husband; so has much more time to spend on all kinds of amazing pursuits.

I feel so left behind.

I feel so sad and lonely. Times like these I'm tempted to contact my ex but I know that's not the answer and it would just be short-lived, as history has proven.

The thing is I really want to be happy. I want to thrive. I want to have healthy, fulfilling friendships. I want a life partner. I don't want to be crying into a laptop like I am now!

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.

Sorry that you are having a tough time. I don't think it helps that we can't all get out as much at the moment. And remember that when a marriage (or any relationship) ends, you go through a grieving process. When my marriage fell apart, I felt like I was grieving for everything I thought would happen in the future as much as what I was losing in the present. Two years on and I still have my moments of sadness and loneliness. Think it is just amplified at the moment as every day feels like the last. Keep reaching out to friends and make plans of things you would love to do once we are allowed out and about again.

Thanks @clipclop2

You & I know it’s like bereavement but I don’t think others who haven’t been through it get that at all.

You need to delete her off your social media. It's just torturing yourself looking, and it's all a collection of curated best moments anyway.

Sorry you're feeling so sad. Can you get another dog?

I am sorry

Yes it can be like a bereavement I have friends that have felt the same you are not unusual for feeling like that.

Please block your friend on your SM for now, it's hurting you! Can you share your dog?? I can't imagine not seeing my furbabies!

You couldn't have picked a tougher time to start a new life. But you will feel so much better when there's more to do than walks and zoom calls. And I'd take your friend's social media with a pinch of salt. Everyone I know is living their own version of Groundhog Day.

You are grieving a couple of losses. It will feel sad, lonely and at times hopeless but it will get better which sounds very trite when you are feeling low but it is true. My DD has just split up with her boyfriend and I tell her to not avoid her feelings but to really feel them. Cry as much as you need to. Get it all out and then find some distractions and try new things. Not easy at the moment but perhaps a duvet day or two won't hurt when you need to self soothe. Also a new pet might help, perhaps a rescue mutt that will get you out in the fresh air talking to other doggy people. My two got me through a divorce.

As for exhusbands and ex friends, there's a reason they needed to be gone and not usually that they were great people. Life gets better without people who drag you down.

Thanks for your responses. It means a lot to me to hear from others & really helps. Thanks for saying it’ll get better and reminding me that it’s a particularly awful time.

Sadly I cannot get a pet or even see my dog which breaks my heart a little bit to be honest. I had to move into a house with other people so no pets are permitted.

As for my friend, without getting into specifics, her SM has photographic evidence of all she has been doing & she is also doing something I’ve shears wanted to do. 😞I was good at not looking but then I looked today and spiralled into a pit of sadness! It’s been a year since she ended our friendship and she still hasn’t contacted me. I thought she would have by now but she’s either too stubborn of just doesn’t care anymore.

always not shears

or

Thanks for your responses so far.

It’s sad to think that ex-husbands & friends are gone. I can hardly believe all that time I invested in him & in my friend.

Hope you're ok op. No way of you and dh working through things? If not how about meeting as friends for a walk with the dog?

@Jesskir89

I don’t think we can work things out at this stage. Our relationship followed a pattern & the way I’m feeling now is part of the pattern unfortunately. It took everything in me not to contact him last night. We have met as friends which is OK but he still has sexual feelings (I don’t), so it didn’t seem right to be seeing him. It’s the emotional support and friendship I miss the most. The friendship breakup hit me hard and I know she has a different version of events in her head than I do. I’m just amazed at how she cut me off out & never contacted me again.

Op maybe thats his way of dealing with the break up, its especially hard atm with lock down but you will get through this x

No advice about the relationship stuff sorry but have you considered volunteering as a dog walker with the Cinnamon Trust?

@Horsemad
Thanks for the dog walker idea. I’ll look into it. So many people seem to be out walking their dogs these days.

@Jesskir89
Do you mean my ex’s sexual expression is his way of dealing with the break-up? Sorry I might be missing something. I haven’t been sleeping a lot & am not feeling as sharp as usual!

I don’t have much advice about your ex beyond what others have said, but even with photographic evidence, don’t believe the version of your friend’s life on SM. I have a friend who now lives quite far away so I wasn’t able to see her much even before C19. But the impression I had from FB was that they had this wonderful wholesome family life with lots of lovely outings/holidays/activities etc which I involuntarily compared to our boring, rather cash-strapped existence. The other day she told me she and her DH are separating and that they’ve had problems for a while. I had literally no idea and it’s really made me reassess all my friends’ SM, and (more importantly) my attitude to it. I’d block her anyway as others have suggested - what do you gain from seeing her posts?

@Sunnysausage

Thanks. You’re right. I gain nothing but sadness & regret to be honest! I also end up feeling angry at her! I invested a lot of time in that friendship & gave her a lot of support but she discarded me after our first ever argument. I think I look on her SM because i like to know what’s going on in her life but ultimately I end up feeling rubbish because she seems to be going everything I wish I had time & motivation to do. It makes me so sad!

doing

Hi op more so the friendship break up his feelings for you might be too strong to stay friends

@Jesskir89
Sorry yes, I see what you mean & you’re right . I think I could stay friends (despite everything that happened) as I’ve no sexual attraction anymore. Even though he treated me badly at times I feel sorry for him which is part of my sadness. It’s all a muddle!

I haven’t been through a separation but I can imagine how very tough it is and how isolating it must feel without the Covid thing on top of it as well. I am irritated on your behalf by the trite and simplistic “leave the past behind” type statements, but I think people don’t really know what to say and I think it gives people a scare: if @Changeispossible can separate it can happen to me and life is precarious. From my (limited) experience of friends and from what I’ve seen, newly single people are often very uncomfortable for the remaining couples and it seems that those who have separated or been widowed find it quite hard to maintain friendships or to feel the same about those friends. It also seems to be that the friends that remain from the “old life” are not necessarily the ones you’d expect and the ones you thought would be there through thick and thin fall away. This has also been reported to me by clients (I’m a psychotherapist). So it’s a renegotiation not just at the relationship level and it is grieving for your relationship and the life you had.

It is unfortunate that you can’t get the proper contact with people you need or start to set up your new life at the moment. I can also understand the urgency to feel better. I would really come away from social media for now, or at least from the profiles that leave you feeling worse. As the saying goes, “never compare your reality to someone else’s edited highlights” and it’s true, it’s so unhelpful. I think we’ve all known people who have a Facebook page full of joyous, exciting, fulfilling or cosy things yet we know their real life is far from it.

I think one very helpful thing is to start a journal, not only where you document your thoughts and feelings but were you also plan for the (hopefully) near future where we can have a bit more freedom and contact; setting some goals (big or small), lists of activities you want to do, small treats you can build into life, catching up with people you haven’t seen for a long time or visiting new places. Also putting structure in your day as you’ve wisely done. Taking up a new pursuit or joining some club or society among people who know only you as you are today. It takes time and sometimes we have to stick with it but these are the building blocks of thriving in the future. Motivation comes with scheduling in small pleasurable or satisfying things for yourself, starting small. I really wish you the best

Thank you very much for taking the time to write such a thoughtful post. It’s interesting what you said because the friend who de-friended me last year is one who I thought would be with me through thick & thin & friendships that were fraught in the past are actually proving to be made of stronger stuff than I realised. Those statements did hurt me a great deal all right and it makes me realise that people just don’t get how devastating this is. I’m in an odd situation in that I don’t know anyone my age separated or divorced; so there’s no-one in my circle who can relate. Some friends, however, will always be more supportive and understanding than others but let’s face it, everyone has their own difficulties — especially now — so I’m just forced to get on with it.

Thanks for the idea about journaling about the future. In some ways I think I’m afraid to embrace a future as I feel so guilty at having a failed marriage. Even though we agreed mutually to split, I think my H would get back together with me . He crossed some lines too many times, however, and I could never get intimate with him again so that prevents yet another reconciliation. Yet I still worry about him & feel guilty. I wish I could rid myself of the worry & guilt! If anyone has any tips about how to mentally move on, I’d be so grateful!

It is so hard to adjust. And you have lots of changes.

Unless you have experienced a separation after a long relationship it is hard to understand. We are just meant to get back out there blah blah blah.

Your circle of friends changed. Mine did. We were part of a circle of other couples. So I didn't fit. I went out and found new friends. Not so easy in Covid times. But there are plenty of groups for adults to meet new people.

Make a plan. What are your interests. I became part of a community allotment. And volunteered with the night shelter. I didn't make friends. But I was kept busy. Made friends through lone parent groups on face book.

Be kind to yourself. Seek out counselling. If you feel that might help. And give your self time to grieve.

Try not to think of the time you spent as wasted. Just because it did not last forever, doesn't mean it wasn't real, good or worth it. It's only been 6 months or so, try not to panic about wanting a 'life partner' just yet. My ex left very suddenly, for ow, I got left with the kids (v young) whole he swanned off. Some years on, whilst I do have a man in my life, I wouldn't say we are life partners. Adjusting to being single takes a while but I actually get a real kick out of knowing its my efforts and money that keep everything going. Its natural to wallow occasionally but you're still in the relatively early days. Take your time.