Lost my husband, lost some friends, where do I go from here?

[Changeispossible]

My husband and I separated in the summer - it was for the best but I feel excruciatingly lonely without him. He has our dog and I miss them both so much. I'm not sure people realise that separation is like bereavement. Friends have told me to 'shake it off' and to 'leave the past behind.' I am okay when I'm working but the weekends and evenings are tougher. I find myself just curling up on the bed to cry. I also try hard to do things and I force myself out for walks and I arrange zoom calls with friends/family because I know how important mental health is.

Last year, a friendship I had with a close friend ended. I am honestly not over this. I felt I was being treated badly by her and her husband, who is also my friend, and I ended up telling her after she pushed me to find out...she didn't appreciate it and ended the friendship in the most opaque way. I had to read between a lot of lines to find out what was going on.

I still look on her very active social media and she is honestly thriving. She does more in a day than I do in a week - she doesn't work near as much as I do and is financially dependent on her husband; so has much more time to spend on all kinds of amazing pursuits.

I feel so left behind.

I feel so sad and lonely. Times like these I'm tempted to contact my ex but I know that's not the answer and it would just be short-lived, as history has proven.

The thing is I really want to be happy. I want to thrive. I want to have healthy, fulfilling friendships. I want a life partner. I don't want to be crying into a laptop like I am now!

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.

Thanks @Wendyhause

I hope you’re right about brighter days ahead!

I know how you feel and you are right - it is like a kind of bereavement. All that loss. I lost friends because I felt like I didn't deserve our shared friends, I lost my home, I lost all the shared history. No one to talk to about all those shared experiences. I was very very sad for a long time.

But then it got better. I healed and moved on.

One thing I wish I had done was to get more help. I should have seen by GP and found some therapy or support. Told my friends and family how difficult I was really finding things.

Sending you a hug.

On social, I would use the block facility for that person. Then I would join some really friendly supportive groups like TOMM and Sali Hughes' FB group where people are really kind and supportive of each other. They totally changed the tone of FB for me and I am very grateful to them for that.

@marthastew

Yes, I lost my home too. I chose to have a clean break so I took nothing of his & vice versa.

I’m
Glad to hear you healed at last. in brighter moments, I believe in love again but in darker moments, I feel so sad & damaged ... & wonder how the hell I let it come to this.

Thanks for the FB tips.

You're on the right track NEVER looking at her social media again. Best decision taken right there.

I have a relative who gave (gives) ?? me the silent treatment and I stopped following her on facebook as it was just reminding me every day that this woman saw fit to be a bitch to ME and just me. I knew it was nothing to do with me and everything to do with her, but still, being reminded of it every day is horrible.

When I escaped an abusive relationship with two toddlers and a rucksack, a wise man (literally, a modern day wise man and acquaintance) told me that it takes five years to get over anything really painful.

At the time, I thought 'no i haven't got five years, i need to be over it now'.

But it's a gradual process. And every few years you're on a new clearer happier path.

x

On youtube not fb, I follow a number of ''gurus'' who speak to what I need at the time. It's all less personal. NO acquaintances, so no comparisons. Just little epiphanies at your own pace.

I follow a number of self-esteem coaches, ryan holiday, philosophy and psychology channels, yoga channels, I'm in a relatioship with youtube. We're very happy. Youtube is the one
Listening to a lot of helpful stuff on audible as well.

with regard to feeling like a failure because of a failed marriage, I promise you that that feeling of failure doesn't hang over you forever.

It might confuse happily married people but I feel so proud of myself. I made a hard decision, well it felt hard at the time, it should have been clearer, but it was a hard decision at the time, then I executed a difficult relocation. I dealt with a lot on my own and I am really, really proud of myself and the decisions I've made.

Been feeling like that for a long time.

You won't always feel like this.

Freedom scares you and depresses you and just makes you feel even lonelier when you're feeling flat, confused and demoralised but when you get yourself back and you will, freedom is not at all scary.

Thanks @PageBaileyandbookanOR

a wise man (literally, a modern day wise man and acquaintance) told me that it takes five years to get over anything really painful

I actually cried at this as I, like you felt, feel like I don’t have 5 years. As I’m 40, I feel like there’s a teeny tiny chance I could meet someone & have children but I’m
Not sure I’d want that level of commitment that fast. For many reasons (financial not being a minor one), I don’t want a child alone. So despite being a serious kid person, I may need to accept it just don’t happen for me in my life.

The pride thing is a good point. I am 100% on my own two feet. I didn’t take a penny from my ex and when I do get my own home, it’ll be with my own hard-earned money & nothing else.

Thanks re gurus. I’ve read a lot of self-development books about break-ups. I think I’ll start reading ones about focusing on the future & releasing the past.

Who knows? The wise man might be right. I might be 45 before I can fully say I feel healed from all of this (& previous toxic relationships!) I beat myself up for getting it so wrong but as a PP said, I have to remember the worthwhile & good parts of the Relationship too.

You're on the right track NEVER looking at her social media again. Best decision taken right there
Yes, that’s one of my most important New Year’s reductions. Her husband is a friend of mine but I don’t know how he and I could possibly sustain a friendship in the long term.

*resolutions

Freedom scares you and depresses you and just makes you feel even lonelier when you're feeling flat, confused and demoralised but when you get yourself back and you will, freedom is not at all scary
Thanks for posting this! Nothing to do with a romantic relationship but I'm in the process of detaching from a toxic situation and have been feeling confused and having strange thoughts along the lines of what am I going to do now I don't have this toxicity to fight against any more?! You've just made sense of my feelings for me.

I second the idea of changing up your Facebook. I never really liked it until I started using it as a tool and not a way to try to socialize. Now my newsfeed is full of posts from two groups, one for curly haired women going naturally grey and one from religious women who wrap up their hair in scarves. Scrolling through is a much nicer experience now. I use it for the sales pages and don't even bother trying to keep up with friends personal pages any more.

I believe in the healing power of kindness so be kind to yourself, treat yourself as if you were sick. Looking after your body, doing things you enjoy and surrounding yourself with other kind people.

Beating yourself up for making a mistake isn't helpful. You wouldn't beat a child up for eg getting their homework wrong. Maybe you should have left this relationship sooner before you were so sad and damaged, but what's done is done and you left when you realised you needed to. You can't act on something you don't know. If it happens again maybe next time you'd realise sooner.

I find it more helpful to think of right and wrong. Not why did I and why did they. More like, where am I and do I want to be here in this situation. And if not, how do I change things so it's right for me.

@AmberItsACertainty

Thank you! This resonates:

I find it more helpful to think of right and wrong. Not why did I and why did they. More like, where am I and do I want to be here in this situation. And if not, how do I change things so it's right for me

There is a great book called Be Extraordinary by Jennifer Wild that helped me identify how to be more resilient. It's a very practical and comforting book. But I had to be ready to take that step.

I set myself really small goals, go for a walk, sort out that pile of paper, text someone and ask them for a walk kind of thing. Just one small thing a day.

What made it all even worse was that I was totally alone. No one knew how hard I was finding it. I wish I had told friends and family and even colleagues.

You will overcome this sadness, it will fade. At the same time you will feel stronger, you will heal.

Thanks @marthastew

I will look up that book. I find some days are better than others. It’s up & down-not linear. I do hope to harness strength & courage from all of this.

Thanks Martha I've bought that book

I have compared it to a bereavement but the difference of course is that the person is alive and well and can still live and love again. I also feel ashamed in a way I wouldn’t were it a bereavement. I still haven’t told some colleagues & family members for fear of judgment. It was a very long relationship but a relatively short marriage. I honestly feel something akin to a trauma response when I think of the big wedding with all of them at it.

Can anyone relate to that?

I suppose all I can do is own it (as I’m being told by those who do know) and not be afraid to tell people. Easier said than done.

I guess the ones who are going to be judgemental will be that way regardless of when they find out. If there's no cross over at all between your social life/exes life and your working life then you could keep it quiet at work for a while and tell them when you're ready to. If you announced that your marriage broke up they're not going to know if it's last week or last year. But that's only going to work if you've not told anyone at work and there's no chance of anyone finding out by accident. Keeping secrets is complicated though. Maybe tell everyone you made a mistake marrying. They don't need to know any more than that. You could say you don't want to talk about it. If people don't know the details they can't judge you on them. Everybody makes mistakes, yours happened to be a big one that's all. I know a few people who've had a short marriage. I think everyone's friends and family were supportive and any judgement came from those who it was none of their business anyway.

I never felt ashamed but I did feel awkward phoning people to say we'd broken up. I'd rather have mentioned it whenever I next saw them. I couldn't do that though because because I didn't want anyone calling at the house for me (it was his house so I left) and finding out that way. In the end it was for the best because I think it did me good to have a bit of a moan about him at the time and not try to deal with the fallout alone.

@AmberItsACertainty

Some of my colleagues already know & they know when it happened too. In fact, I told them while I was still living with my ex but I felt I had to because they were asking questions about my H & whatnot. I also felt that I was under such extreme stress that I needed to tell them - even though I hid it well in work & they never really spoke to me about it. It was for the best at the time.

I said something this morning that somewhat let the cat out of the bag. I’m tired of worrying what people think.

Yes, I made a mistake marrying but I also didn’t fully know what I was letting myself in for. I thought it’d be better. My H treated me horribly and crosses too many lines. I know it’s not my fault now but I also wonder how I managed to get embroiled in such a mess...accepting low standards I guess. How good points are very good but how bad were too much to take.

I’m sad now and I miss him but I suppose it’s better than the chaos and confusion I had in my head for so long.

It wasn’t a crazy short marriage but short enough to be called short. I guess people never know what’s going on - no-one sure as hell knew what was going on in my marriage.

His good points