Lost my husband, lost some friends, where do I go from here?

[Changeispossible]

My husband and I separated in the summer - it was for the best but I feel excruciatingly lonely without him. He has our dog and I miss them both so much. I'm not sure people realise that separation is like bereavement. Friends have told me to 'shake it off' and to 'leave the past behind.' I am okay when I'm working but the weekends and evenings are tougher. I find myself just curling up on the bed to cry. I also try hard to do things and I force myself out for walks and I arrange zoom calls with friends/family because I know how important mental health is.

Last year, a friendship I had with a close friend ended. I am honestly not over this. I felt I was being treated badly by her and her husband, who is also my friend, and I ended up telling her after she pushed me to find out...she didn't appreciate it and ended the friendship in the most opaque way. I had to read between a lot of lines to find out what was going on.

I still look on her very active social media and she is honestly thriving. She does more in a day than I do in a week - she doesn't work near as much as I do and is financially dependent on her husband; so has much more time to spend on all kinds of amazing pursuits.

I feel so left behind.

I feel so sad and lonely. Times like these I'm tempted to contact my ex but I know that's not the answer and it would just be short-lived, as history has proven.

The thing is I really want to be happy. I want to thrive. I want to have healthy, fulfilling friendships. I want a life partner. I don't want to be crying into a laptop like I am now!

I'd really appreciate any words of wisdom or advice.

Thanks. I have been in counselling for years now. It helps but I can’t seem to break certain thought patterns.

I moved out in the summer but we had agreed to separate long before I moved out. We were in a relationship of sorts until I moved out though so I suppose it is early days. My friends say I should look forward but I’m almost afraid to, to be honest!

Maybe it's time to try a different type of therapy/counselling if you're kind of stuck at a certain point with the counsellor/counselling you have?

@category12

Thanks. You may have a point. My therapist is a beautiful person and we click. It took me a long time & some unsavoury experiences to find her. I do think CBT or something more present-orientated might help but I’d be slow to leave her (I’ve been attending her sessions for a year). However, I’m interested in energy healing or some other form of healing...again, it could be easy to spend thousands on charlatans before finding the right one...

Every new day is a fresh start. I’ve been saying that every morning to try to help!

I don’t have any social media - just WhatsApp groups with friends and family. A lot of what some people put on there is fake and makes others question their own life. SM is no good for you at the moment - firstly you need to move on from your marriage (easier said than done I know) the other thing is to realize that your show off friend is not the person you thought she was !!!! Take this time to think about what you want, value your other friends and family and start looking for a new partner at some point. Good luck x

There is no better time then the present so I think you should set a small goal by the end of today for the near future! 😊

Take this time to think about what you want, value your other friends and family and start looking for a new partner at some point

Thank you so much. In one sentence you’re summing up everything I need to do!

There is no better time then the present so I think you should set a small goal by the end of today for the near future!

I guess you’re right. I will set a goal - just not sure what. I’m good at setting goals but then I don’t keep them. I’d like to set a goal I’ll actually follow through on.

Sorry to use a cliche, but time is a great healer.

I have been in your situation, of sorts, a few times now and it's taken at least 1 year to turn things totally around.

I use to look back on those times as time wasted but I now realise that I needed that time to self destruct and then heal.

Exercise played a huge part for me, in wanting to do something for myself, but only after many, many months of doing nothing.

Torture yourself with social media of your friends perfect life, but you'll get bored eventually and stop.

Do what you need to do but it will and does get easier 🤗

@Changeispossible counselling can be so helpful. It gives you a bit of non judgemental space to work things out but CBT is very helpful for challenging your thoughts, feelings and behaviours as well as your core beliefs about yourself, the world, others and identifying where your patterns may actually not be as helpful as they first appear. It’s more active and structured. Even just a change of approach might be useful. It doesn’t mean you can’t return to your counsellor later and check in with her every so often (if she’s in private practice). If you want to look at CBT make sure you find a BABCP accredited therapist through the CBT Register. You might also find Rational Emotive Behavioural Therapy helpful (also on the CBT Register listed as AREBT accredited).

I think when one is at a bit of a crossroads where staying with the same thing would be at least familiar and tempting to run to, and changing would be frightening but possibly much better ultimately, I think it’s worth getting out the pen and paper again and doing a Cost Benefit Analysis. There’s nothing like writing down the pros and cons, long and short term, for you and for others, in a structured way about a particular dilemma for throwing some light on the situation. For example “being single with a marriage behind me” could be something you question in structured terms (example of a cost/benefit form attached). I just think that otherwise all these thoughts buzz round our heads and we don’t always think things through in a balanced way or in a long term way. Anyway, just a thought.

As for guilt and worry. You must have very specific reasons why you left your marriage and you say it was a mutual decision. Perhaps now is the time to take stock of what is important to you in life and what your values are. If you could paint a picture of your life in five years time what might it look like? Rather than guilt at a failed marriage, what are the lesson learned that you’ll take with you? All humans fail in all sorts of ways all the time. A failed marriage doesn’t say anything about you or your future. What is failure - having a failed marriage or staying in an unhappy situation? It’s a really tough life event that could happen to any of us. It’s really unfortunate that life’s natural momentum is on hold at the moment. But it is a chance to set a plan in motion for the building blocks of the future you want, to think it through. Maybe just set a plan for the near future now; what you’ll start to do when restrictions lift in the fairly short term so that you can start to meet new people and have new experiences that dilute the hurt of the recent months.

Thanks for that.

I have decided to stop looking at her SM. It sent me into a downward spiral the other day & it continues to play on my mind. Losing her friendship came as a big shock but as a PP said, she wasn’t the person I thought she was!

As for my ex, I congratulate myself on every day I resist contacting him & maybe every day it’ll get easier & easier to detach from him, sad as it is. No wonder people stay in doomed marriages! Separation ain’t easy!

Ah, OP that’s really tough. I think you’re doing brilliantly actually in how honest you’re able to be about your feelings.

One think that worked for me after a very tough separation was starting something new for me, it made me think that ‘at least something positive had come out of it’ iyswim. It may not be the same for you, we’re all different, and of course we’re so restricted at the moment it’s hard to do anything! (which makes it doubly impressive that you’re dealing with this) For me it was starting running. Is there anything you’ve always wanted/meant to do? Fancy trying? You mentioned your friend was doing something you’d wanted to do (tho you’re def right to stop looking at social media!). If you can find something you’d like to do you can make plans even if you can’t do it right now. Hang in there.

@YouokHun

Thank you so much for such a detailed post. I’d feel bad leaving my therapist but I do think I might have run my course with her & it’s time for future focus. I never think of the future.

That cost benefit analysis confuses me a little. Do you mean work out the benefits of where I am right now?

Thanks for what you wrote re my failed marriage. I tried it out and I tried hard but the situation became untenable. I can’t believe I went through with the wedding to be honest but I still deeply care about him, no matter what he’s said & done to hurt & let me down.

The sunk cost thing is that you can't get it back.

Say you have bought a pair of shoes that were expensive. They never quite fitted so you've never worn them outside your house.
You can't give them to a charity or sell them on line because you'd probably get very little for them. So you hang on to them and feel bad for wasting the money.

Sunk cost because you wasted the money when you bought them.

FWIW, I understand the comparison to bereavement, but it isn't the same. If your DH had died, you'd still love him, but now you 'have to stop' loving him.

When you split up with the OH, you lose your lover, best friend, confidant, comforter etc. It leaves a big hole. Also, you may end up questioning the relationship when you thought things were good.

In both cases a lot of people think that you'll get over it or move on after a few weeks. If only.

Keep busy and give it time.

💐 change - keep on keeping on.

What helped me move on from my ex was same as you knowing I couldn't go back so moving on was the only option. Realising I didn't owe him my friendship helped a lot. It's seen as the civilized option but isn't really. Why do you want to be friends with someone who treated you badly? That's harmful to yourself like telling yourself you don't deserve friends who treat you well. Have a higher bar for friendship and chances are you'll see your ExH and ExFriend don't fit in. It's positive to ditch someone or a situation which isn't good for you. Block her on SM to stop you looking.

If you want to know just how fake SM is, fake your own to prove it to yourself. Clear your side table for a book or magazine and a cuppa in your best mug, fluffy blanket and matching cushions on the sofa, photo and post with the caption "time for some R&R". Buy yourself some flowers, arrange in a vase, photo against a plain background and caption "spring is on its way". Borrow a dog or cat, get someone to take a pic and caption it "my new best friend". Buy a new floor rug for the living room, get everything out of the room that doesn't belong there so it's tidy, rearrange the furniture so it doesn't remind you of him, snap a pic and caption "here's to new beginnings". Go for a walk on a sunny day, look for a photo opportunity and caption it "love my home town". Fill a bath with a whole bottle of bubbles, tea lights round the edge, wine glass of something fizzy (lemonade?) on the side, switch off the light for the photo and post as "time for some pampering". At the weekend look back at your SM posts for the week. Looks like you're having a fab time doesn't it? The SM situation is ridiculous, it's fake, don't believe it.

Borrow My Doggie is a website where you could find a dog to share. Cinnamon Trust is to help out elderly or disabled people who can't walk theirs. Check out volunteering at an animal shelter, that might still be happening, animals still need looking after whether there's a pandemic or not.

Just saw you're sharing. Are you into cooking? If you offered to do dinner once a week to test new recipes that could help you connect to your housemates.

Thanks @KirstenBlest

You do seem to understand. So many don’t. I’m amazed that people don’t even ask me how I am. I’ve always been the friend that friends come to with problems and now I know why - so few people actually ask. But anyhow, I need to hold my own strength through this.

@AmberItsACertainty

Ha ha!! You do paint an attractive SM for me there!! Thanks. Quite funny!

Why do you want to be friends with someone who treated you badly? That's harmful to yourself like telling yourself you don't deserve friends who treat you well

Good question! I think it’s because he didn’t treat me badly all the time and I don’t think he ever intended harm. My therapist called it abuse but he’s my biggest cheerleader but unfortunately has unresolved issues that resulted in some angry & controlling behaviour!

Others are right that all you can do is think about what you want from life for yourself. It’s easy to look back and say I wish I had/hadn’t done this thing, or done XYZ differently, but instead of feeling regret and sadness try and reframe it as learning something from it. What makes you say you can’t believe you went through with the wedding? There must be some valid reasons there and for the breakup, so try and look at life now as an opportunity (even though there isn’t much opportunity around at the moment). It’s cliche but true that your mindset is the first step to moving on

Thanks @TedMullins

but instead of feeling regret and sadness try and reframe it as learning something from it

🔝 This I must absorb! I wish I had made these ‘mistakes’ when I was younger. I’ve spent my childbearing years ... but we can’t go backwards, only forwards I guess.

You’re welcome! Also, don’t think about dating again before you’re ready. I dated someone last year who had separated in similar circumstances to you, and let’s just say it didn’t go well!

It's horrible when you invest yourself in a relationship and it ends like this. I had a really good friend some years ago. We talked about everything and knew lots of personal things about each other. I looked on her like a sister and she was a bit bossy and told me off at times, but I always thought her comments were well meant. Looking back there were warning signs but I ignored them because I liked her.

One day she decided we knew too much about each other and just cut me off. It was a complete shock and I did not sleep for quite a while, wondering how she could be so brutal.
Later I realised she had done me a favour, but at the time I felt so hurt and confused.
Most people are kind, you must remember that. Getting over things takes time. It will get better. Talking to people on here is helpful

It can be so disappointing and saddening to realise that someone you thought of as a genuine confidante has done the dirty and passed on what they knew was very personal information which was for no one else's ears. This can be a family member doing the betraying (happened to me more than once) or someone considered a true friend who turned out to be nothing more than a gossip gatherer.
I can overlook and forgive so many times but then one day I think no more!
To the OP I can only hope things get better for you and brighter days ahead (sorry for the platitudes, I was being sincere).

@TedMullins

Thanks. I can’t face online dating & in these COVID times, I might not get the opportunity to meet someone anywhere else, so no worries about rushing into dating.

Having said that, I haven’t had sex in almost 2 years ... I’m genuinely worried I’ll have serious performance anxiety when the time eventually ... ahem ... comes.

@Anordinarymum

Thank you.

Later I realised she had done me a favour, but at the time I felt so hurt and confused

I haven’t reached that point yet & I wish I had. I still feel angry at her for twisting things around. I need to get over it & step 1 is never looking at her SM again. We’re not in each other’s lives so why on earth am I reading in detail about her life & achievements!