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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Realising extent of abusive childhood

52 replies

KevinTheBird · 01/02/2021 19:01

I’m just wondering if someone could signpost me in the direction of some books/ websites for dealing with suddenly realising how abusive my childhood was.

It sounds ridiculous but I hadn’t realised quite how much I’d minimised and even made a joke of what I now see was hideously abusive behaviour from my dm while I was a child and a young adult. I’ve genuinely idolised my dm my whole life - she’s the funniest, cleverest person I know. I don’t know if I can cut her out of my life. We live in the same small town, I’ve seen her pretty much everyday for the last decade. It was only something that she did last week that hurt my dc that I realised how absolutely awful she was to my sister and I as children. It wasn’t so much physical abuse - we occasionally got caught in the cross fire when she lost her temper and started smashing stuff but a lot of really calculated, genuinely nasty behaviour. She splatted an egg on my head just as I was about to walk out of the door for my 18th birthday party and then asked me why I did it. Just really weird, confusing stuff like that.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all this crap in my head. I’ve got to try and be normal for my dc who keep asking to go and see her and I just keep crying and being a fucking mess.

She will categorically deny any of this behaviour. My dc was hurt last week and there is absolutely no way it wasn’t her. She keeps messaging me saying she understands I’m upset but she’s really sad that my dc would think she would hurt him and can I think of any reason why he would say this etc. I can’t even message her back because I just don’t want an argument.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how I’m ever going to be able to make things normal again.

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 01/02/2021 19:04

Counselling will help and you can put a bit of distance between you and her while you work it out. If she is the type to never take responsibility, then prepare to keep that distance if it is now affecting your DC.

Original poster
KevinTheBird · 01/02/2021 21:44

Dc won’t be seeing her again, certainly not in the near future and never without me there the entire time.

OP posts:
KinseyWinsey · 01/02/2021 22:11

Wow.

This is going to take you some time to process and deal with.

The egg story sounds just dreadful. Why on earth would she do that?

You sound like a great mum - seeking to protect your dc from the same.

Take your time and don't be pushed into anything like more contact if it's not what you want.

dublingirl66 · 01/02/2021 22:20

Psychotherapy would be really beneficial for you sending you best wishes ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Howzaboutye · 01/02/2021 22:28

You really need a psychotherapist. That is alot to work through.
Well done on protecting your child.
You are at the beginning of your new future. It will be challenging, but worth it. Stay strong and hold your children close

Original poster
KevinTheBird · 01/02/2021 22:29

I don’t know why she did half of the things she did. I can understand her losing her temper and smashing stuff and whacking us if we happened to be in the way - not that I condone it obviously. But so much of it was just completely calculated and out of the blue, then she’d just immediately deny it and if I ever questioned it she’d make a massive scene or just ask why I was trying to make her sound like a psychopath.

But this was such a small percentage of the time. The rest of the time my childhood was idyllic. I’ve always just thought of it as being fine and dm just being a bit eccentric. Looking back now I can see it was just completely unhinged. I don’t know why she did it or what she was trying to achieve. I don’t know why my dad never stopped her or backed us up or questioned why his kids were covered in bruises and the house was smashed up again.

OP posts:
lockedownloretta · 01/02/2021 22:31

are you the poster whose mum hit her grandchild with the broken glass picture frame?

if so, you need to go no contact with her. She is mad and dangerous.

Spring2021 · 01/02/2021 22:39

I am in my 50’s and people used to do the egg thing to people who were leaving school. I got ‘egged’ at the community centre disco at the end of the night after we had officially left school. As did lots of other people. I didn’t have any eggs and maybe just the boys did but my hair stunk and I couldn’t wait to go in the shower when I got home. Its very strange your mum doing this to you especially as you were all dressed up for your birthday.

PreachyGreen · 01/02/2021 22:42

What does your sister think?

I agree with the posters saying counselling as I think this is a bit too big to sort on your own but you may find something useful here:

napac.org.uk/

Howzaboutye · 01/02/2021 22:42

Dear OP we cannot answer those questions for you. But I think you know the situation was not right.

We cannot diagnose your mother either. We have opinions but noone can diagnose unless the person in question is willing to be assessed.

From here on in it's all about you, how you feel and how you live in the now. Yes it will benefit you talking through what happened in the past, to process it. But you are in control of your life.

starch23 · 01/02/2021 22:47

I'm sorry.

I was going to suggest NAPAC too. Their Helpline can be good at signposting you to support.

Books, since you asked:

Judith Herman - Trauma & Recovery
Pete Walker - Complex PTSD, surviving to thriving
Bessel van der Kolk - Body keeps the score

ilikemethewayiam · 02/02/2021 01:49

Psychodynamic & EMDR therapy. I had long term PD therapy and it really helped. My friend had EMDR and really helped her. You need help to understand your childhood experiences.

I would also add to the book list

Alice Miller, the body never lies

MechantGourmet · 02/02/2021 02:31

There's also Toxic Parents by Susan Forward, though I am not sure whether the abuse was more physical, or more emotional/cruelty (I didn't read the thread about your child getting hurt)

I'm sorry your mum has treated you this way Thanks

Annedunne181 · 02/02/2021 02:37

Hi OP,
My mother also did things like that. She would do something abusive, and then say that she didn't so it

I think that it is a common way of how adults abuse children. It is an abuse of power.

Lets look at it from an adult point of view. I will think of a child that I know , my 7 year old niece.

I could go to my 7 year old niece and say to her that she is ugly. She would be upset. I would then instantly say that I didn't say it, that she is imagining it.

Because I am bigger and more powerful, what I say is stronger than what she says.

It is a double abuse tactic:

  1. Abuse the child
  2. Lie and say that you didn't.

A lot of adults do it.

Annedunne181 · 02/02/2021 02:39

My mother was so like this.
I really think it comes from a lack of control in the mother - when they are the bigger and stronger person. They abuse their physical strength. The same way that some men abuse women. Some parents absue children, because they are simply physically stronger than the child.

Too many adults lose control, and abuse the weak, which is children.

It is easier to assert power and dominance over a child, than it is to be kind to a child.

Original poster
KevinTheBird · 02/02/2021 09:44

Annedunne181 I think it is definitely a loss of control with my dm. You can feel the energy in the room change when she’s about to blow. As kids we always used to joke of the TV signal was fuzzy or anything then it meant that mum was on the warpath.

I just can’t believe it took me until my mid 30’s to realise that this wasn’t just an eccentric dm who does crazy things. She’s actually totally abusive and probably quite mentally unwell.

OP posts:
MattyWilbur · 02/02/2021 11:36

I remember your previous thread about the picture frame.

So she's outright denying it?

wibblewombat · 02/02/2021 11:55

I'm late 40s & whilst I knew I had an interesting childhood, it does take perspective for the penny to drop fully. Easier with space & time.

Definitely go talk to a counsellor.

Santaiscovidfree · 02/02/2021 12:11

My dm used to blame me for stealing her stuff. It wasn't me and there was just me and her at home. Not allowing me hot water to have a bath /wash my hair. Boiling kettles to get washed before school once she has left for school..
When I had dc she seemed gleeful she could goad them about getting each other into trouble, try and make no my go to answer to them
.. I went nc. I read your previous thread. In your shoes I would consider moving away. I live a good 50 miles away from mine. And she doesn't drive. Bonus.
Op ime you need to mourn for the dm /dgm you wish there had been for you all.
Then move on and leave her behind. I never had therapy. Being a decent dm has been enough for me to move forward..

Original poster
KevinTheBird · 02/02/2021 12:16

mattywilbur yes, completely denying it and doing a sad little old lady act of ‘I’m feeling so sad that he thinks I would ever do that to him. Please know that I love you all regardless of what you think of me.’

OP posts:
ravenmum · 02/02/2021 12:20

It does sound as if she might have some kind of disorder. Good thing you've realised what's going on now. Probably best to get a good counsellor for this.

ilikemethewayiam · 02/02/2021 12:38

She may well love you (in HER mind), but she clearly doesn’t know what love really is. Do you know anything about her childhood? Was she herself abused? If this is the case then she will have a warped view of love! In any case it doesn’t matter to the outcome. Your priority is to protect you and your children from her. It’s up to her to recognise she has a problem and seek help. You have the right to go NC or at least minimal contact.

wibblewombat · 02/02/2021 12:44

Mine let my beloved dog out of the safe space I'd fenced off, just to see what the dog did...

Don't give yourself a hard time, it was normal for you and no-one is all bad. It's even harder with intermittent issues to pin them down as actually quite batshit.

3beesinmybonnet · 02/02/2021 13:02

I found the Havoca website very helpful and their forum very supportive. It stands for Help for Adult Victims of Child Abuse. This was a decade ago though . I've not looked at it for years.

I also found it a great help to rattle everything out onto a journal on the computer. It gets it out of your head, and helps to process it when you read it back.

Working through it can be painful as it can throw things up that you'd rather not face, but it's so worth it when you come out the other side a much stronger person.

Like pps have said moving a good distance away is good if you can. It gives you so much more control over contact and you no longer feel like you're walking amongst wolves.

Your priority is your children and also yourself. YOU also deserve a happy peaceful life. Good luck

JaimeLeeCurtains · 02/02/2021 13:35

God love you, OP, for recognising it. You'll be in a kind of shock for a while, replaying things.