Realising extent of abusive childhood

[KevinTheBird]

I’m just wondering if someone could signpost me in the direction of some books/ websites for dealing with suddenly realising how abusive my childhood was.

It sounds ridiculous but I hadn’t realised quite how much I’d minimised and even made a joke of what I now see was hideously abusive behaviour from my dm while I was a child and a young adult. I’ve genuinely idolised my dm my whole life - she’s the funniest, cleverest person I know. I don’t know if I can cut her out of my life. We live in the same small town, I’ve seen her pretty much everyday for the last decade. It was only something that she did last week that hurt my dc that I realised how absolutely awful she was to my sister and I as children. It wasn’t so much physical abuse - we occasionally got caught in the cross fire when she lost her temper and started smashing stuff but a lot of really calculated, genuinely nasty behaviour. She splatted an egg on my head just as I was about to walk out of the door for my 18th birthday party and then asked me why I did it. Just really weird, confusing stuff like that.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all this crap in my head. I’ve got to try and be normal for my dc who keep asking to go and see her and I just keep crying and being a fucking mess.

She will categorically deny any of this behaviour. My dc was hurt last week and there is absolutely no way it wasn’t her. She keeps messaging me saying she understands I’m upset but she’s really sad that my dc would think she would hurt him and can I think of any reason why he would say this etc. I can’t even message her back because I just don’t want an argument.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how I’m ever going to be able to make things normal again.

Does she almost 'play up' when she's lost control, or someone is getting more attention than her? The egg scenario sounds like she was almost jealous, and wanted to knock the birthday girl down a peg or two. Could she have narcissist personality disorder?

Therapy will be your friend here. You say that she didn't really physically abuse you but then mention bruises, which suggests it was fairly extreme.

I'm so sorry you didn't have a decent Mum who loved and supported you. I would imagine the egg thing was to spoil your birthday by humiliating you.

I was deluded about my parents until my mid 30s. My Mum physically abused us and once purposely shut my hand in the car door when I was 10 then told me I was making a fuss and it was embarrassing.

My Mum is a narcissist and only loves herself. I wish I was nc but it has been a long journey via therapy to get myself sorted and I don't have the energy to do it. I hate her though and am looking forward to when she's dead.

I agree the egg thing on your birthday is traditional, not random.

I read your previous thread. You can't allow your DC to be around her again at all, even if you are present. It minimises what happened.

You need to find the strength to stay away from her. I know counselling won't be easy to access right now, but it's imperative that you put yourself and your DC first, protect your children from this woman. She is clearly unhinged.

Do you feel you could send her a message telling her you do not wish her to conact you right now? Could you find it in you to block her?

I am sorry that you are going through this. I was in my 40s when I came out of denial and understood the extent and impact of my mother's abuse.

I agree with all the previous recommendations for books, websites and support organisations. The Stately Home thread here is very supportive. I found a psychotherapist very helpful as I worked through it all.

Please be kind and gentle with yourself, it is a very hard thing to go through and takes a long time. I realised that many of my character traits were reactions to the abuse.

One of the hardest things is that we as a society are in collective denial about child abuse. People don't want to or know how to talk about abuse. It becomes difficult with people who you've known for a long time, when you've been in denial. Moving a distance if possible can be helpful.

best wishes for creating a better future for your children and yourself

Op, it does sound as though there is a significant personality disorder afoot. She gaslights you constantly and that's why it's taken you this long to see it.

What she did to your dc was unforgivable, but worse, I'm afraid is her decision to pretend it didn't happen.

Those are not the actions of a mentally healthy human being and it's going to take a while to get your head around that.

I second (or third) some support for YOU about this. You can't fix her but you CAN protect yourself.

Were she and your dad happy together? The egg thing sounds like she was jealous of you and wanted to spoil your birthday, maybe that you were 18 with your whole life ahead of you? None of us are the calm, constantly tolerant and loving parent we imagined we would be, but that is just odd and very unpleasant.
Sorry that you are going through this, sounds like she is in utter denial which makes it more difficult. Can you speak to your sister about this?

Definitely talk to your siblings.

Even if they had a very different experiences, it would be better to keep them in the loop just now, as your mum might escalate the current issues.

Her and my dad absolutely hated each other. I remember us begging them to divorce but my mum always said she didn’t want to give him the satisfaction (whatever that was supposed to mean ). My dad was never abusive though, a bit absent and uninvolved but never horrible. I just don’t know why he never stopped her as he found a way to argue with her about most other things.

I don’t know why she did the egg thing or any of the hundreds of other weird things she did. The day before she’d taken me to a nearby city to buy an outfit for my party and out for lunch - it was just lovely and seemed really glamorous as we never did anything like that. Then I got ready and she egged me . We laughed about it for years afterwards but it was actually just really confusing.

There are just dozens of other similarly weird things she did which seemed designed just to humiliate me. I just don’t get it.

I think “You’re Not Crazy It’s You’re Mother” by Danu Morrigan is one of the best books on this subject area.

It can be very distressing to try and figure out crazy abusive behaviour from your own mother. I think basically it’s hard to make sense of and accept that someone who is meant to love us is behaving so appallingly.

I don’t know if you have the finances to access a good therapist, but if you can it might help also.

@MissSomethingOrOther

Does she almost 'play up' when she's lost control, or someone is getting more attention than her? The egg scenario sounds like she was almost jealous, and wanted to knock the birthday girl down a peg or two. Could she have narcissist personality disorder?

This was my mother to a tee. You should have seen the chaos she created around my (enabler) father's death, couldn't even let him be the star at his own funeral.

She dropped dead at a relatively young age and life is so much easier now I don't have to put up with her, although her antics have left me fucked up in countless ways.

I don’t know if she has NPD. Some of it very clearly fits, other stuff not so much.

My dsis and I have discussed many times whether she may be on the autistic spectrum to some degree - she is completely unable to empathise with people who don’t think exactly as she does. She wrote many letters to the writers of The Archers years ago when there was a rape storyline and she didn’t think it was realistic or interesting to have the victim still crying about it weeks later. She doesn’t understand the concept of giving gifts however many times I’ve tried to explain it - she will always get something that she is adamant the receiver needs and over the years has given neighbours she barely knows an entire new guttering system (beautiful wrapped) and will point blank refuse to buy me anything I want such as a nice candle or something and instead give me some grout or some replacement lightbulbs (beautifully wrapped) as I’ve mentioned at some point over the last few months that I need to buy some. She gave my 8yo a book for herself for his birthday (which she gave to him saying it was a present and had wrapped up) as I said there really wasn’t anything he needed but he was always happy with books.

Genuinely it’s just so confusing for me. Everyone in our community loves her and she’s got a reputation as being such a ‘character’. I don’t know if just being a bit mad is a diagnosis or a satisfactory explanation for some of the things she did to me. Certainly not a satisfactory explanation for her deliberately hurting and probably permanently scarring my little boy.

I’ve told her that I just want a couple of weeks of space. She’s said she’ll give me as long as I need but I don’t know whether she’ll actually stick to that. In normal times I do a hobby with her (a team sport with many other people there too) which I think I’ll carry on. I can’t imagine that will start again any time soon but when it does I am going to limit contact to just seeing her there. It will be away from dc’s, she’s unlikely to make a scene and if she does I’ll just stop going.

I remember your previous post about hitting your child. She does sound like she has some mental issues. I guess the problem is she won’t ever admit it and get diagnosed.

I hope the book recommendations and support you seek helps you.

I think the egg thing was jealousy. Instead of being delighted you were looking lovely she was jealous of it. My DM didn't do that but she would hide things and then deny it, go mad if I had anything and she didn't even when I was small. She had to be front and centre all the time and it sounds like your mother is the same.

Sounds like she wasn't happy in her marriage which could partly explain her erratic temper. I could almost suggest forgiving the nasty egging incident and various other childhood things if, as you say, you childhood was otherwise idyllic and age might have mellowed/changed her. However, the recent incident with your son shows someone totally out of control and dangerous. I think the giving space is a good plan to give yourself some time to think and also for her to (hopefully, possibly) reflect.

Hurst and scarred your child . Wow. That’s bad. I would be keeping your child away from her at the very least.

PS. I don’t think people who have strong narcissistic traits are like that all the time. Some of them can behave fairly normally and intelligently and rationally for periods of time. Hence the confusion. Only I think when they feel threatened in some personal way eg jealousy, criticism - even if it’s all in their head - or else decide it’s time to make a power play and so necessary to demean someone - does the raging and abuse happen.

Obviously you have much more information as to what her mental issues might be - but whatever the cause - the egg thing sounds a nasty thing to do to an 18 year old girl dressed up to go out for for her birthday. And what happened to your child, speechless .

She could just be a bit “mad” of course. I think some reading and therapy and time out and distance from her would help you maybe get some more understanding.

But I see you’ve decided to get distance from her already.

Just take care of yourself op. seek therapy for yourself, care for yourself and your children and allow yourself to feel sad at the loss of what you thought was a nice relationship.

You’ll never change her.....she will never be a healthy person to have in your or your children’s lives....she will never accept responsibility for what she has done. Any efforts to get her to change or accept responsibility will be fruitless and cause you more upset. Focus on your own well-being and creating firm boundaries with her.

I also want to add that I have only as an adult realised that my mother has a learning disability. Looking back it was even obvious as a child but it took me ages to realise.

The point is I think it’s hard to been objective about your own parents and their behaviour when you have grown up with them and they’ve seemed ‘normal’.

I remember your last thread OP. Can I just say how impressed I am that you have recognised your mother was repeating what she did to you to your kids, and that you are protecting them from her. It is so, so easy to carry on in the old patterns of ignoring and accepting behaviour like this, and it passes down through the generations so often. You’re amazing for stopping it happening to your children again!

I am sorry for all the things that happened to you as a child. You of course didn’t deserve it I agree with previous posters that a psychotherapist could really help as it’s a tough road to go back over your childhood and try to make sense of it all.

Just read your update. It's like we are in the same family. Exactly the same issues.
Really you do need to see a psychotherapist, but I came to the conclusion of Narcissist. It fits all the behaviour. And it is really difficult to process and deal with.
Keep putting yourself and your family first.

Interesting took me many years to realise the impact my father had when young and throughout my teenage years the negative undermining and shouting never registered as abuse until I had my own children and the very different supportive way we interact with each other. It was after my mother's funeral when he said something and the penny dropped and that was it he was wiped from my life and history.

I was a bridesmaid at my DB’s wedding and when I tried my dress on for the first time in front of my DM she told me my stomach stuck out and I needed to hold it on the day of the wedding because people would think I was pregnant. This was in from of future DSIL, her mum, her nan and the other bridesmaids. The dress was only a size 12. I ended up exercising like mad and restricting food to the point that it needed taking it a few weeks before the wedding.

I now realise that it was pure jealousy because I looked nice, and she couldn’t stand me looking nicer than her.

That was probably the moment the scales fell from my eyes and I realise how ridiculous she is.I also no that DSIl also saw her for what she was because she jumped to my defence immediately.

The penny really dropped for me when I realised I didn't want her at my wedding. When someone asked me why, I said, without over-thinking it - "Because she puts me down" and that was the first time I really figured it out, although if I gave you examples you'd wonder why I hadn't worked it out myself long ago. I just knew I got very tense around her and didn't really enjoy spending time with her. Now I carefully limit the time I spend with her and always make sure I'm not alone with her and that I have someone 'on my side' with me when I'm with her.