Realising extent of abusive childhood

[KevinTheBird]

I’m just wondering if someone could signpost me in the direction of some books/ websites for dealing with suddenly realising how abusive my childhood was.

It sounds ridiculous but I hadn’t realised quite how much I’d minimised and even made a joke of what I now see was hideously abusive behaviour from my dm while I was a child and a young adult. I’ve genuinely idolised my dm my whole life - she’s the funniest, cleverest person I know. I don’t know if I can cut her out of my life. We live in the same small town, I’ve seen her pretty much everyday for the last decade. It was only something that she did last week that hurt my dc that I realised how absolutely awful she was to my sister and I as children. It wasn’t so much physical abuse - we occasionally got caught in the cross fire when she lost her temper and started smashing stuff but a lot of really calculated, genuinely nasty behaviour. She splatted an egg on my head just as I was about to walk out of the door for my 18th birthday party and then asked me why I did it. Just really weird, confusing stuff like that.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with all this crap in my head. I’ve got to try and be normal for my dc who keep asking to go and see her and I just keep crying and being a fucking mess.

She will categorically deny any of this behaviour. My dc was hurt last week and there is absolutely no way it wasn’t her. She keeps messaging me saying she understands I’m upset but she’s really sad that my dc would think she would hurt him and can I think of any reason why he would say this etc. I can’t even message her back because I just don’t want an argument.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do or how I’m ever going to be able to make things normal again.

@KevinTheBird it's horrible that realisation isn't it. For me it was my f but like you it was his treatment of one of my dcs when i was in my thirties. It was normal to treat me that way, but when it was my child i realised how not ok it was, and there was no way i would allow them to experience any more of it.

There were a few books that were helpful in getting my head around it all - george simon's "in sheep's clothing" was the first one, which gave scenarios and talked them through in terms of the dynamics and effects on people. It was helpful because my f plays mind games and gaslights extensively, being incredibly critical and unpleasant whilst pretending he cares, it was so confusing to work through i felt like the guy in hunger games trying to work out what was real and what memories had been put in by president snow.

Later i read a book by dan neuharth called "if you had controlling parents", which uncovered the next load of crap because it made me realise my m's role in not protecting us.

Take some time to process stuff, and mn is a good place (esp stately homes thread) to talk it through with people who get it.

Btw how old are your dc? Do they know it was her but still want to see her?

Thanks for the book recommendations arianaventi I’ll give them a go. I genuinely don’t know if she deliberately acts in the way she does. Sometimes it feels so planned and calculated but others it just feels like she’s simply thoughtless. For example on the morning of my wedding she was supposed to be helping me get ready. I was a bit emotional anyway as my best friend and MoH had committed suicide a couple of weeks before so it was just going to be my dsis and dm there in the morning. Dm was there for 5 minutes then said she’d be back in a bit, instead buggered off to the museum nearby for 3 hours and arrived back 10 minutes before the ceremony was due to start. She seemed completely baffled that I was upset as she’d told me she’d wanted to have a look round the museum. I just hadn’t expected her to do it then and leave me wondering if she’d been run over or would she even turn up to my wedding. She’s just bizarre.

Dc are 5 and 8 and absolutely know it was her. My 5yo broke something at her house which caused her to physically attack him, 8yo was there and saw it. I’m not sure if it’s actually her they want to see or if it’s just because she was the only other person we were seeing due to lockdown and they’re bored.