If you knew you would be single and/or childless forever, what life would you build?

[annabellacomestotea]

Really curious, if you could see into a crystal ball and saw that relationships and/or motherhood were not on the table, what sort of life would you build for yourself?

I think I would be much more aware about building lasting friendships, I would secure my own place, I would potentially adopt a child, or at least foster/adopt animals, I would volunteer with animals, I would try out new hobbies, I would help out more with my friends children and my family members, I would travel a whole helluva lot more as well, and live in a few different places.

Really curious what others would do?

I'd find a sociable hobby - a friend in this position sails and it means she can tap into a community pretty much anywhere if she's travelling for work or pick up a crew place on a boat if she wants a holiday. I'd tailor my living space just for me (big bedroom, walk in wardrobe, lovely bathroom rather than sticking to the family house type model) and live as close to the centre of town as I could afford.

I think I would be much more aware about building lasting friendships,

This. I'm looking at my life at the moment, though I am not single and have children. Volunteering of some description would be on the list. A cosy home rather than large family house. Try new hobbies and generally get out a lot more - I think more effort is required though. Covid has made me realise how insular I have become.

Wouldn't live anywhere permanent, would become an expat wandering nomad moving countries on a whim and owning only a baggage allowance worth of possessions.

Totally like the above. A hell of a lot more travel and living in different places. I'd like to think my child hasn't stopped me doing anything other than that!

If I could adopt, I'd happily be a single mum. That would take up most of my time for 18 years I imagine, and id carry on with the hobbies and social networks I have already.

After that, I'd take time out to write my book, and do any travel I haven't done already.

If I couldn't adopt, I'd push ahead in my career and get to the C-suite to really make a change in my industry. And then become an MP. Then retire to the sea side to write my book.

It sounds like you think it's too late for the things you list...it doesn't have to be. Are there things you want but aren't trying to get OP?

I'd be an artist or try and make my living doing some obscure craft or growing the national collection of some sort of rare plant. I would try and have a workshop or a garden in a quiet bit of English countryside somewhere and I would spend hours alone working in it. I'm very suited temperamentally to that sort of solitary life, very happy when I get "in to the zone" doing something creative, but that bears absolutely no relation to the life I am currently living

I work, because I have to keep a roof over my head and pay the bills. I'll probably never be able to afford to but my own place. I have done some travelling, but I can't afford to do that much. Promotion doesn't happen for all of us. I have time to do evening classes and gardening and in normal times, going to exhibitions and things I want to go to, without having to worry about anyone else.

I am both and plan to stay that way - I'm 34 :)

I have multiple circles of close friends, a wide social circle, two ridiculous cats, businesses I love, hobbies I love, and I live near the river and the sea. I spend lots of time on my own and lots with family and friends. I'm a true night owl and I read books almost constantly and I love my life - but I recognise it would be very different if I'd made different choices. I'm glad I made the ones I did, though

Great mates be picky

Hobbies

Focus on career and earning

Loads of cats

Not taking the piss. I have a mate in that situation known her for years. She thought about insemination/ adoption. She decided against.

Lockdown is shit for her though.

Oh. It takes a lot to shrug off the societal/ family etc expectations.

What do you want to do? That's the most important question. Avenues are open even without a partner :)

” Oh. It takes a lot to shrug off the societal/ family etc expectations.”

This is so true, I think it takes a strong person to live a life without a partner/kids.

To answer the question, personally, i live a quiet life.
Traveling and go-go-go has never been my thing.
I really love and need my alone time.

I would become a nun.

It’s an interesting question, OP, but I’m puzzled as to why you think those things you list are incompatible with a relationship and/or children. I think nearly all the animal volunteers I know have partners and families — and that includes someone who runs a donkey sanctuary, and people who work with guide dogs and at animal shelters — and building strong friendships is surely largely independent of your relationship or parental status?

I have a husband and a child, am a writer, and I absolutely prize my friendships, and we’ve moved countries a fair bit — actually the first lockdown caught us mid-international move, so we ended up living somewhere tiny and beautiful by the sea for five months, living out of a suitcase, with all our belongings in another country. Which had its moments...

I think if I were to spend my life single and child free, I’d be quite suited to it. I’d probably revisit the kind of life I led temporarily many years ago, when I spent several months living on an otherwise uninhabited island, and see if I liked it longer term. Or run a writers’ retreat somewhere remote.

@YoungYankee

I would become a nun.

I also find this deeply appealing, though I suspect my atheism might pose a problem, however well-concealed. I lived near a convent of Poor Clares years ago, and they struck me as fulfilled and interesting women.

Go running everyday, join a triathlon club. Learn to sing. Eat what the hell I like, have FWB but never live with them. A one bed flat in South Kensington

It’s an interesting question, OP, but I’m puzzled as to why you think those things you list are incompatible with a relationship and/or children. I think nearly all the animal volunteers I know have partners and families — and that includes someone who runs a donkey sanctuary, and people who work with guide dogs and at animal shelters — and building strong friendships is surely largely independent of your relationship or parental status?

Very few people have sufficient time for a job, a family and that type of self fufilment.

Travel the world and worry a lot less about career and the accumulation of material property.

@babyyodaxmas

It’s an interesting question, OP, but I’m puzzled as to why you think those things you list are incompatible with a relationship and/or children. I think nearly all the animal volunteers I know have partners and families — and that includes someone who runs a donkey sanctuary, and people who work with guide dogs and at animal shelters — and building strong friendships is surely largely independent of your relationship or parental status?

Very few people have sufficient time for a job, a family and that type of self fufilment.

That’s not true at all, in my experience.

I'm not single but am childless not by choice. I have health problems so some things are not on table for me eg getting really fit or a lot of travel but I am trying to build a life where I appreciate the small things, have lots of time for hobbies and being creative, have cats but also want a dog, be very connected to my close female friends and their kids, enjoy a slower pace of life. It's not easy to build a life that you hadn't envisioned or wanted but I think (hope) it is possible.

PrawnCorset;

Really ? Up at 6 to get everybody ready for school and work. Work 8-4 ish, pick up kids take to various extra-curricular activities. Home between 5 & 6, supervise homework, cook. Maybe 30 minutes to watch the news/mumsnet/ read/ have phone call with family member. DH home with DC whose had clubs around 7, we eat, we clear away. We nag the DCs about homework/ games kit/ packing bags for the morning. I have another 30mins to 1 hour (usually about 45 mins) before I like to be in bed by 10. Occasionally I have a work or church thing in the early evening (2 hours between 6-8 or 7-9), in the Summer I might go for a run between 5&6 pm. Weekends I have to shop, more ferrying DCs to more extra- curricular stuff, mountains of washing, more cooking. I get a run on sunday morning.

I am happy enough with my life, but hardly the pinicle of self actulization is it ?

Oh and before anyone jumps on me 2 nights a week I stay at work till 6 and DH takes the early (4-7) shift at home.

I am a single parent, having got divorced a decade ago. Parts of my life are lovely (child, friends, lifestyle (pre covid ) others are more difficult (house sale as part of divorce means I am now renting for ever, stuck in uk as ex won't see child, pay maintenance or let me leave).
A man has nothing to bring to my life and lockdown for a year has taught me I'm very glad I'm single. I would like to travel more and longer, but the minute you have a child you are bound by education for them and that is limiting for a nomadic existence. The rest of it is up to you.

@babyyodaxmas

PrawnCorset;

Really ? Up at 6 to get everybody ready for school and work. Work 8-4 ish, pick up kids take to various extra-curricular activities. Home between 5 & 6, supervise homework, cook. Maybe 30 minutes to watch the news/mumsnet/ read/ have phone call with family member. DH home with DC whose had clubs around 7, we eat, we clear away. We nag the DCs about homework/ games kit/ packing bags for the morning. I have another 30mins to 1 hour (usually about 45 mins) before I like to be in bed by 10. Occasionally I have a work or church thing in the early evening (2 hours between 6-8 or 7-9), in the Summer I might go for a run between 5&6 pm. Weekends I have to shop, more ferrying DCs to more extra- curricular stuff, mountains of washing, more cooking. I get a run on sunday morning.

I am happy enough with my life, but hardly the pinicle of self actulization is it ?

But that’s your own specific life, @babyyodaxmas. Surely it’s not hard to understand that other people may have different and more flexible work patterns, fewer children — or children with fewer after school or weekend extracurricular commitments — and are hence less routine-bound? The life you describe is very different to mine, for instance, but mine suits me, as I assume yours suits you. .

It suits my DC, that's the point. They deserve engaged, employed and involved parents. I had DC, I do n't expect to be able to please myself. Are your children very young ?

I ask because we had a much less conventional, more normadic lifestyle before DCs were at school (and especially secondary school) . I have choosen to make a virtue of necessicity and embrace a regimented lifestyle, but who wouldn't want to be a free spirit ?