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Original poster

How 'special' is his friend?

78 replies

DanishDays · 01/02/2021 14:47

My boyfriend (Londoner, divorced, three kids - same as me) has a friend he's never discussed with me. However, she likes every single thing he tweets, I think she buys him little gifts and I think they went on holiday together just after we got together. How can I ask him about her without coming across as the internet stalker I clearly am. It's driving me crazy.

OP posts:
Lovelydiscusfish · 01/02/2021 14:48

Do you only know about this from his social media? He didn’t mention the holiday in any other context for example?

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 14:52

Well he is your boyfriend so you can straight up ask 'So what's the deal with this lass that likes all your photos? Is she a close pal? When do I get to meet her?'. Your his gf, you can ask him this stuff. Provided you've known him at least a couple of month that is.

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 14:52

*you're

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/02/2021 15:03

Yeah, I was going to ask how long the relationship is?

And also, are you his “friend” on the social media you have seen this on (or equivalent - I am picturing Facebook here). Or have you just looked him up?

Original poster
DanishDays · 01/02/2021 15:12

We've been together six months. I don't know how much he tells his friends about me, I think I'm a secret. It's on Twitter that the love-in takes place.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 01/02/2021 15:14

Ask him straight up.
It doesn’t sound like something I would stay around for.

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 15:17

Oh that's not good. Why are you being passive about it? 'We've been together 6 months, I'd like to meet your friends as your girlfriend. And we need to be facebook official'. If he says no or umms and awws, ditch him cause he is taking you for a ride.

I'm guessing you're still fairly young op but these are not things you should put up with in order to stay with someone. Even if he is hot. You gotta respect yourself first and foremost. Someone who keeps you a secret, does not respect you and belongs in the bin.

FossilisedFanny · 01/02/2021 15:20

It’s not good that you are a secret, is he hedging his bets between you and Twitter lady?

Perfect28 · 01/02/2021 15:28

Has it occurred to pp that she perhaps can't meet friends during a pandemic?

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 15:34

Fair point.
But he could easily put her mind at rest by making them official online. He should want to make her feel secure.

BrimFullOfAsher · 01/02/2021 15:48

I mean, I'm not sure what she is 'putting up' with. There isn't a right lot of information here.

Was the whole holiday a secret? Who did he say he went on holiday with? If he never mentioned a holiday - how did he explain his absence?

Have you met any of his friends? Has he met yours? Why do you think you're a secret?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 16:08

Looking at his social media isn't stalking. It's an account you can look at. You're not hacking into anything.

MaLarkinn · 01/02/2021 16:18

Facebook official....cringe!

Just ask him op

NewYearHere20 · 01/02/2021 16:23

After 6 months you should just be able to ask him straight up. "Hey who's this chick that keeps liking your Tweets?"
If you feel like you can't ask him - ask yourself WHY can't you ask him?

If you think you're a secret after 6 months - again ask yourself WHY?

If he doesn't see you as an official GF - but you do - you need to have a conversation about what you both want.

honeysuckle21 · 01/02/2021 17:20

I think going on holiday together after you've just got together questionable, she obviously is a special friend. The tweets are OTT if she has to like every tweet but the spending time together in rl is what you should be worried about, if he's your boyfriend it's not unreasonable to ask more about her.
As a new relationship though you would think he should be proud to tell his friends all about you and to have plans to meet them soon, maybe you could ask when you'll meet her? See what his reactions are.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/02/2021 17:25

I wouldn't be wasting time with this bullshit. Move on and find someone who's happy to have you as his girlfriend.

gannett · 01/02/2021 17:32

If they went on holiday just after you got together they'd obviously planned it before you met him.

Some people do keep new relationships under wraps from their friendship circle for a while. I have friends whose short-term BFs/GFs never got introduced at all, and I only ever met their partners after about a year! Something to do with not wanting to cross streams, their romantic lives were just quite separate from their social lives. Plus as PP have pointed out, this is a pandemic we're in. No one is meeting anyone.

I hand out Twitter and Insta likes to my friends like they're candy. Really doesn't mean we're more than friends.

Looking at his social media isn't stalking (do you not follow each other?), just ask him about his friends!

Littlepaws18 · 01/02/2021 17:32

Definitely ask him about her. When I got with my partner he made it clear he had a lot of female friends. I was cool about it until I found out more. His ex partner treated him like crap so in order to get the emotional responses he wanted he had a few friends he had fairly intense friendships with. These were so inappropriate and complete emotional affairs. He even had pics of these women in his bedroom!

It soon came to ahead, he got rid of these women who were too using him as an emotional crutch. And the women he does have in his life are Really good friends, who are true friends.

This took about six months to sort out and now we are happier ever!

Original poster
DanishDays · 01/02/2021 17:59

Thanks for your comments! So helpful.
I remember him telling me on our first meeting that he had 'very good friends': so good that he wasn't looking for a relationship. She is obviously one of those. Things between us took off about two months later. I think they had planned to go away before I was on the scene, and he didn't want to tell me about the travel arrangements. However, they both tweeted identical pix from their holidays so it's a bit bloody obvious they were there together. In his defence, he'a a shit liar so got all squirmy when questioned.

OP posts:
MrsVogon · 01/02/2021 19:00

Facebook Official PMSL....that's ridiculous. If anyone looked at my FB info, they would come to the conclusion I am single. I just don't see the point in documenting everything about my life.

Back to your boyfriend and his 'friend', it could be totally platonic or they were probably fuck buddies until you came along. I'd just ask him outright, who is (her name) and what's the deal?

honeysuckle21 · 01/02/2021 19:07

Op bin him off, after reading your update he lied badly about going away with his special friend, she's still all over his tweets, are you able to contact her I wonder just to introduce yourself, then ditch him.

honeysuckle21 · 01/02/2021 19:09

She maybe none the wiser thinking she is his girlfriend Confused

DianaT1969 · 01/02/2021 19:10

How did you meet him if 'he wasn't looking for a relationship'? Online dating? So he basically told you back then he wasn't interested in a relationship. Is it possible he sees you as a FWB? How casual is it?

Beforethetakingoftoastandtea · 01/02/2021 19:12

He lied is the min issue here. Ask him why youre a secret and what his relationship with her is.

Isitsixoclockalready · 01/02/2021 19:13

@honeysuckle21

Op bin him off, after reading your update he lied badly about going away with his special friend, she's still all over his tweets, are you able to contact her I wonder just to introduce yourself, then ditch him.
I think that this is pretty sage advice. It's clear that his idea of a relationship and yours aren't compatible.