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Original poster

How 'special' is his friend?

78 replies

DanishDays · 01/02/2021 14:47

My boyfriend (Londoner, divorced, three kids - same as me) has a friend he's never discussed with me. However, she likes every single thing he tweets, I think she buys him little gifts and I think they went on holiday together just after we got together. How can I ask him about her without coming across as the internet stalker I clearly am. It's driving me crazy.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 19:14

He clearly lives his life on social media so fb official is not a ridiculous ask. It may be cringe to you but if he has some girl all over him on there and fwb relationships in his history then the only way he could prove to me, if I were dating someone like that, that he was done with them would be to change his status and include me on his internet presence.

That being said, I don't think I'd touch him.woth a barge poll based on ops updates. I do t think he an be trusted.

Wanderlusto · 01/02/2021 19:15

*I dont think he can be trusted

ZenNudist · 01/02/2021 19:18

I think she's a FWB looking for more, same as you.

Ladj · 02/02/2021 01:04

Ask to meet her. If she's a genuine 'close friend' he'll be happy to introduce you. If he isn't keen or makes excuses not to, then I think you have your answer. But don't let on that you're suspicious, because if there is something going on he'll only get better at hiding it!

BlueThistles · 02/02/2021 01:15

Don't be anybody's SECRET

Hawkins001 · 02/02/2021 01:19

I'd say tis a mystery, however they seem close, is say monitor the situation until you have more concrete information.

PyongyangKipperbang · 02/02/2021 01:48

yeah, I agree that she is/was his FWB and is looking for more.

When you say "boyfriend" have you "met" (obvs covid allowing) his friends, do his kids know about you, what are his plans going forward? How and when do you see him? What happens when you do? I am guessing you get together EOW when you are both child free and message in between.

Sounds to me like he has a nice set up here and doesnt want to rock the boat. I would run if I was you, but if you want to then show him the photos from the holiday, ask him to explain and insist that you "meet" her.

You will know inside a minute whether you are on to a loser, and I am sorry to say that I think that you are.

Iflyaway · 02/02/2021 03:20

Don't be anybody's SECRET

^^

Original poster
DanishDays · 04/02/2021 12:57

Well I asked him what the deal was with his stalker. He immediately said let's talk, it's not straight-forward - but it's OK. He won't elaborate until we meet face to face. Now waiting for the shoe to drop, feel sick.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 13:07

Well she isnt is 'stalker' op. Dont start straight off the bat by devaluing her as she is clearly someone who cares for him and that isn't fair. And don't let her devalue her either. He travelled with her so they are clearly close. Dont let him tell you she is some weirdo with a crush on him or similar shit. If he would devalue a friend like that to you, he would devalue YOU to others too.

But perhaps he will be decent and honest. Maybe he will tell you she is a close pal and you can meet her too when covid lockdown lifts, and follow through. Or maybe he will explain that they have romantic history but that he will back away now that you are together. And do so.

This is a good way to see if ne is a decent human being op. Someone who is respectful to everyone in his life.

Wanderlusto · 04/02/2021 13:07

*dont let him devalue her

Cpl654321 · 04/02/2021 13:11

Omg he's just gonna spout some shit about how she's just a friend or that she "needs" him for some spurious emotional reason etc etc. It's probably his gf, or he's prob been trying to bang her for years without success.

Just let this one go. There are men out there happy to just focus on one person at a time.

Eckhart · 04/02/2021 13:13

'What's the deal with your stalker' is an attitude you need to drop.

He has a friend and you feel insecure. That's all you know.

Drop the insults until you know what's going on. You might just be insulting a friend of his, and if it's more than that, calling her names still isn't the way forward.

Talk about your feelings, not other's actions. 'I won't stand for a relationship where I feel like I'm being kept a secret' is much better than 'You're keeping me a secret because of that stalker woman', for example.

MrsVogon · 04/02/2021 13:15

@DanishDays

Well I asked him what the deal was with his stalker. He immediately said let's talk, it's not straight-forward - but it's OK. He won't elaborate until we meet face to face. Now waiting for the shoe to drop, feel sick.
Sounds like there is definitely more to it.

I agree with @Wanderlusto to be on the offensive and call her a stalker is kind of unfair. You don't know the full story yet.

Give him the opportunity to respond and explain.

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2021 13:19

I'm all for asking about his friend, but I can understand why he might want to talk in person if the text he's got is already confrontational when you know nothing about her.

Really it's not about the friend. What matters is whether you are on the same page about this relationship. It doesn't sound like you are.

PrawnCorset · 04/02/2021 13:28

@LolaSmiles

I'm all for asking about his friend, but I can understand why he might want to talk in person if the text he's got is already confrontational when you know nothing about her.

Really it's not about the friend. What matters is whether you are on the same page about this relationship. It doesn't sound like you are.

I think that's perfectly reasonable. His behaviour about her seems a little odd, but then I see the most bizarre attitudes to male/female friendships on Mn all the time, which suggest they're by definition sexual and inappropriate, and as though any decent, right-thinking person retires all their opposite-sex friendships (and sometimes all their friendships, regardless of sex) once in a serious relationship. Or that going to the cinema or out for dinner with an opposite sex friend is an incursion onto 'couple territory', which I find hilarious.

I'm married, and have male friends with whom I go on holidays or weekends away -- or used to, pre-Covid. And to the cinema or out for a drink of a meal. None of us have accidentally tripped and fallen onto one another's genitalia in twenty years.

However, none of these people are secrets from DH.

On the other hand, if you've only been seeing him six months, you're sounding awfully proprietorial about a long-standing friendship.

Original poster
DanishDays · 04/02/2021 13:54

I won't call her a stalker - and I wasn't confrontational in the text when I asked him. My point is: he has never ever mentioned her to me - whereas I am honest and open about who I hang out with - including male friends. And I do think they went away together, when he told me he was on holiday with his kids. This and that don't add up.

What is clear is that we need to have a convo about what kind of relationship we are having. That is overdue.

OP posts:
Original poster
DanishDays · 04/02/2021 13:55

@Wanderlusto

Well she isnt is 'stalker' op. Dont start straight off the bat by devaluing her as she is clearly someone who cares for him and that isn't fair. And don't let her devalue her either. He travelled with her so they are clearly close. Dont let him tell you she is some weirdo with a crush on him or similar shit. If he would devalue a friend like that to you, he would devalue YOU to others too.

But perhaps he will be decent and honest. Maybe he will tell you she is a close pal and you can meet her too when covid lockdown lifts, and follow through. Or maybe he will explain that they have romantic history but that he will back away now that you are together. And do so.

This is a good way to see if ne is a decent human being op. Someone who is respectful to everyone in his life.

I am hoping this is the case - thank you
OP posts:
WunWun · 04/02/2021 13:59

They went on holiday together...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 04/02/2021 14:13

If I was looking for a relationship and someone explicitly told me on our first date that they weren't looking for one, I wouldn't see them again.

So that's a bit confusing, unless he told you outright at some point that he changed his mind and wants to be in a relationship with you?

Are you exclusive or more a FWB situation?

LolaSmiles · 04/02/2021 14:49

PrawnCorset
I do see your point.

I also know people within my friendship group who have previous dated and even lived together, realised that they had become like good housemates rather than romantic partners, and have remained friends. It was quite good actually because none of us had to do an awkward post-split phase where we socialised with one half of the former couple. Only one of their current long term partners has an issue and it's meant that we haven't had a group get together, usually a weekend due to distance, in years. DH and I find it a little sad, but it's their relationship and their boundaries. I'd be less willing to distance myself from old friends for a new flame but everyone is different.

Maybe that's why I'm a little sympathetic to the friendship.

SingingLoud · 04/02/2021 14:55

You think she’s just a friend... she thinks you’re just a friend - and never the twain shall meet.

Bet you haven’t met any of his friends or family, have you.

You fucked up asking him about her over text. Now he’s got time to perfect his story. You should have done it face to face.

You’ll get no truth from this man now or ever.

shitinmyhandsandclap · 04/02/2021 15:30

So what did he say when you asked him why he'd lied and said he was on holiday with his kids when he was with her?

Are you sure it isn't his kids mum?

rawalpindithelabrador · 04/02/2021 15:43

I'd bin.

RantyAnty · 04/02/2021 15:58

He's already a liar.

You think he's your boyfriend.
He thinks he's single.

Bin