Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

How 'special' is his friend?

78 replies

DanishDays · 01/02/2021 14:47

My boyfriend (Londoner, divorced, three kids - same as me) has a friend he's never discussed with me. However, she likes every single thing he tweets, I think she buys him little gifts and I think they went on holiday together just after we got together. How can I ask him about her without coming across as the internet stalker I clearly am. It's driving me crazy.

OP posts:

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake · 04/02/2021 16:29

@shitinmyhandsandclap

So what did he say when you asked him why he'd lied and said he was on holiday with his kids when he was with her?

Are you sure it isn't his kids mum?

This

michaelwilson · 04/02/2021 16:40

Don't be afraid to ask him straight up! I guess you are able to know who is that at every stage of relationships. You should keep it in mind as you can just waste your time and your relationship might be destroyed already..

BlueTimes · 04/02/2021 16:43

So you’re a secret and he goes on holiday with someone else. I’d guess at worst you are both FWB to him (probably along with other women) and at worst she is his partner and you are the OW.

PrawnCorset · 04/02/2021 17:07

In fairness, if you'd booked and paid for a planned holiday with a friend, would you cancel it because you'd just started seeing someone?

Obviously, not telling the person you're seeing who you're on holiday with is deeply strange, and letting her piece it together from matching holiday snaps is a bit shit, but I don't think that in itself going on a pre-organised holiday with a friend is at all strange.

OP, what exactly is it that makes you think they were on holiday together and he actively lied about it? Is it just the fact that they put similar photos on social media? How did you find hers, if you don't know her? You refer to yourself jokingly as an 'internet stalker', which suggests you tracked her down online and she has poor privacy settings, but are you sure you're not over-reading lies and concealment into generic photos of, say, a beach and sea?

Otter71 · 05/02/2021 03:38

I don't really do Twitter only Facebook but I know that if I post anything (not that I do often) there are people who like everything that are only acquaintances and much better friends who like nothing. Can't say I read anything into it past that some people use FB differently to others. That said if he said he didn't want a relationship has he subsequently changed that or is it possible your interpretation of the nature of the relationship is just different to yours?

PurplePansy05 · 05/02/2021 03:47

It all sounds dodgy, OP, he isn't being honest and that to me would beca big red flag.

yvanka · 05/02/2021 04:12

It sounds like he did not expect things to get serious with you, so told a white lie about the holiday to avoid you getting paranoid about it. I've done similar before and it's not a dumpable offence in my opinion, especially if he now seems committed to you.

From his "we need to talk" reaction it's likely that they are just friends who have maybe slept together a while ago? Not ideal but if he wanted to be with her then he wouldn't be with you, and if he's going to be honest now then that's what counts.

DeeCeeCherry · 05/02/2021 05:15

She probably thinks she's his girlfriend, and you're the good friend.

Retrogal · 05/02/2021 05:51

You've got to let him talk about it first. I have a very good male uni friend (over 25 years) who is just that, no more and never would be. Just very good company.

Taikoo · 05/02/2021 05:57

Why are you a secret though? Have you not at least asked him that?

Original poster

DanishDays · 05/02/2021 06:12

Final update on this sorry saga. Yes he was on holiday with her - the identical photos of mediterranean sunsets were not just a coincidence. Yes he has been fucking her for as long as he has been fucking me. Yes, she stays over. Yes she doesn't know about me of the extent of my so-called relationship with him. My heart hurts. I am staggered by the sheer gall of the man who can so callously fuck and lie to two decent women, waste their time, take up space in their lives all knowing that when the truth inevitably comes out they will be left to sort out the hurt and shock on their own, while looking after kids, working. Fuck him and his entitlement.
I suppose this is a lesson in trusting intuition, having brave and fierce conversations and not putting up with bullshit.

OP posts:

yvanka · 05/02/2021 06:23

What the fuck? Honestly how has he found the time?? I hope you are going to tell her.

Retrogal · 05/02/2021 06:40

That's awful OP.
He does not deserve you. What a horrible man.
You've got to let the other lady know so she knows what she's dealing with. Twitter?

rawalpindithelabrador · 05/02/2021 08:33

Hope you ghosted.

3rdNamechange · 05/02/2021 08:35

Sorry that's happened to you. He's a prick.

SingingLoud · 05/02/2021 08:37

What an absolute prick. The only decent thing he’s done is come clean now that you’ve asked him. He’s an arsehole.

borntohula · 05/02/2021 08:37

I'd be very tempted to tell her tbh. Thank fuck it's only been 6 months.

Florelei · 05/02/2021 09:05

You’re better off without a person like that in your life.

Im so sorry that this happened to you though.

dublingirl66 · 05/02/2021 09:10

Gosh that is really poor
He is a loser

Tell her

thenewduchessofhastings · 05/02/2021 09:26

"Let's wait until we see each other in person to talk about that" is a technique called stonewalling.

There is absolutely no reason he can't video call you and talk to you face to face like that.

You sound like a friend with benefits rather than a girlfriend.It sounds like she's another fwb as well.I wouldn't bother wasting time on this man.It's not a solid base for a relationship and he doesn't sound trustworthy.

ginghamstarfish · 05/02/2021 09:35

You're a secret? That's more than enough reason to dump him, never mind the mysterious 'friend'. Just move on OP, there's someone else out there for you.

courtrai · 05/02/2021 09:39

Sorry this has happened- I've been there before. It's shitty

Let her know; I'd want to know

HighSpecWhistle · 05/02/2021 09:52

@DanishDays

Final update on this sorry saga. Yes he was on holiday with her - the identical photos of mediterranean sunsets were not just a coincidence. Yes he has been fucking her for as long as he has been fucking me. Yes, she stays over. Yes she doesn't know about me of the extent of my so-called relationship with him. My heart hurts. I am staggered by the sheer gall of the man who can so callously fuck and lie to two decent women, waste their time, take up space in their lives all knowing that when the truth inevitably comes out they will be left to sort out the hurt and shock on their own, while looking after kids, working. Fuck him and his entitlement. I suppose this is a lesson in trusting intuition, having brave and fierce conversations and not putting up with bullshit.

What a prick.

Just for a laugh I'd tell him you suspected so as you've been told you have an STD. Get him worried.

Then I'd post on his Twitter (or whatever he uses) - saying something like "I had a great 6 months with you 😉😉 but looking forward to moving on to someone with morals". She'll see it too.

I'd want to make sure she knows he's sleeping around too as she's also putting her health at risk by being with him.

Good riddance.

PurplePansy05 · 05/02/2021 10:08

That's awful. She deserves to know too, and he deserves whatever is coming his way. So sorry OP, not all men are like him, he's a prick

Prettybubblesintheair · 05/02/2021 10:53

I’m so sorry op what a shit. I know it doesn’t feel it right now but you will be ok, better than ok you’ll be better off without him. Take care x

Flip

1 2 3 4

Swipe left for the next trending thread