Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Discovered something about man I am seeing.

75 replies

NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:19

I have been dating a man I met via OLD since October. Obviously, with lockdowns, and so on, we have not met as frequently as we might have otherwise, and the bulk of our contact has been over Zoom/phone calls, etc.

We are getting on amazingly well. We have a lot in common, shared values, and so on. I really like him and he has made it clear that he also likes me a good deal.

However, by chance (and this is crucial - online, so not via a shared acquaintance, etc.), I have just found out that he is a grandfather. He’s in his 50s. Why didn’t he tell me? This seems like a huge thing. I am younger than him (not wildly), so perhaps he is worried about appearing ‘old’? Did he think I wouldn’t find out (and if so, does that mean he isn’t actually taking the relationship seriously)? Maybe he wanted to tell me but the opportunity never fully arose (it is difficult to conduct a relationship during lockdown, etc.!). He is in regular and seemingly close contact with all his children, so it’s not a matter of being estranged from them, as far as I know.

I want to find a way to get him to tell me, but without letting on that I found out by myself (it might seem as if I was gathering information online about him, which he might find uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn’t like something to be presented to me in this way).

Or should I just ask outright?

Is this actually a so-called ‘red-flag’?

I’d appreciate a bit of MN wisdom on this.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 13:21

Have you talked about your lives? Have you asked of he had kids and he's lied? Have you got kids? Have you mentioned them?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:24

We have talked extensively about our lives (childhoods, relationships, work, etc.). Hence why this is so troubling to me.

No, we’ve talked about our children (I have one), and he’s told me quite a lot about his. As far as I know, nothing he has told me has been a lie (I haven’t caught him out in any inconsistencies or anything).

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 13:25

O don't think it's a flag then if he's admitted to the right number of kids, maybe he just didn't think to mention it, or want sure how to.

I wouldn't say it's a red flag, but it's probably best to be honest and mention it now you know.

How did you find out?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:26

I just didn’t think to ask, ‘and do you have grandchildren?’ The way he talks about his children gives the impression that they are all still starting out (at university, doing masters, training qualifications, etc.), so I (falsely) presumed that none of them had started a family.

OP posts:
TheVolturi · 01/02/2021 13:26

Why does it make such a difference?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:27

He was talking (with great pride) about one of his children’s achievements (don’t want to give too much detail here), which has an online presence, and I went to look it up and it was clear from the page that they have a child. I think perhaps he had forgotten it was visible there.

OP posts:
GnomeOrMistAndIceGuy · 01/02/2021 13:27

What on earth is the problem here?

Worried830410 · 01/02/2021 13:28

Maybe he is embarrassed as that means one of his kids is a very young parent/teen parent?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:28

It doesn’t make a difference! At all! I don’t mind, and it doesn’t change my opinion of or interest in him.

It just feels like a big deal, and I don’t really know what to make of it. And I’m curious about why he didn’t tell me on any of the occasions he has discussed this particular child.

OP posts:
Crumpetloverrr · 01/02/2021 13:29

I don’t see the problem tbh and would assume he would tell you at some stage.

Santaiscovidfree · 01/02/2021 13:29

Maybe the dc isn't biologically his dgc?

WunWun · 01/02/2021 13:30

How exactly online did you find out?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:31

Thanks for these responses. Makes me feel it’s perhaps not as significant as I thought. I just think - were I a grandparent - it would be something I would mention very early on.

I doubt he is embarrassed. He has a very particular background which means he would be unlikely to be ashamed of such a thing, I think.

OP posts:
PegasusReturns · 01/02/2021 13:31

Is suspect either he didn’t tell you because he’s worried it makes him appear old or there is a less than straightforward backstory that he doesn’t want to get into (e.g. it’s his son’s child and he wasn’t in a relationship when she fell pregnant)

How did you find out? Were you snooping in which case it might be trickier to manage or did someone tell you?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:32

He told me about something lovely and successful his child had done (which has a page online), so I went to take a look, and it was clear from this page that they have a child.

OP posts:
OiAlexaShutUp · 01/02/2021 13:32

When you say it's clear from the page they have a child, do you mean there are pictures of them on Facebook with a child? It might not be their child? Could be step child?

JemimaRacktool · 01/02/2021 13:33

Whether he has told me this or not wouldn't even register with me. It's not a shameful secret. I don't understand why it's so huge to you?

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:34

I don’t want to give too much away because the details would actually make them easy to find if I did, but suffice to say, given the content and nature of the page, there is no doubt that it is his child’s biological child.

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 01/02/2021 13:36

Just say in general conversation you had a look at that page they mentioned, he should definitely be so proud of them and doing that with a child too, wow.

Crumpetloverrr · 01/02/2021 13:36

Agree that he might be aware it makes him seem ‘old’ even though lots of people in their 50s are grandparents.

Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:36

I agree it’s not shameful at all. That’s why I’m so bemused.

It’s huge (ok, maybe not huge, I shouldn’t exaggerate), because it seems like quite a major thing which he hasn’t told me. He has spoken about this child a number of times, but never said, ‘oh, and they have a child...’. I guess it’s the kind of thing I would mention almost immediately. And as I said, since he seems very close to his children, it feels especially peculiar (I would have been less surprised if he was estranged from them, although that would be a major turn-off, to be honest, so I wouldn’t got this far down the line with him if he were...).

OP posts:
Original poster
NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:37

SleepingStandingUp - that is a great way of framing it! Thank you.

OP posts:
ihatethecold · 01/02/2021 13:38

No red flags. I think you maybe looking for drama when there really isn’t any.

DianaT1969 · 01/02/2021 13:38

I don't think it's a big deal at all. It probably hasn't come up naturally in conversation. Perhaps he is slightly disappointed in his child having a child so young and is in the habit of not mentioning it. It's not a red flag. Don't mention it. Forget about it. You're just dating. His grandchild has no impact on your life and probably very little on his. Forget you saw it online.

Tinacollada · 01/02/2021 13:39

I don't think it matters at all