Discovered something about man I am seeing.

[NomenOmen]

I have been dating a man I met via OLD since October. Obviously, with lockdowns, and so on, we have not met as frequently as we might have otherwise, and the bulk of our contact has been over Zoom/phone calls, etc.

We are getting on amazingly well. We have a lot in common, shared values, and so on. I really like him and he has made it clear that he also likes me a good deal.

However, by chance (and this is crucial - online, so not via a shared acquaintance, etc.), I have just found out that he is a grandfather. He’s in his 50s. Why didn’t he tell me? This seems like a huge thing. I am younger than him (not wildly), so perhaps he is worried about appearing ‘old’? Did he think I wouldn’t find out (and if so, does that mean he isn’t actually taking the relationship seriously)? Maybe he wanted to tell me but the opportunity never fully arose (it is difficult to conduct a relationship during lockdown, etc.!). He is in regular and seemingly close contact with all his children, so it’s not a matter of being estranged from them, as far as I know.

I want to find a way to get him to tell me, but without letting on that I found out by myself (it might seem as if I was gathering information online about him, which he might find uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn’t like something to be presented to me in this way).

Or should I just ask outright?

Is this actually a so-called ‘red-flag’?

I’d appreciate a bit of MN wisdom on this.

I’m a bit like this, I get very close with people and forget to mention pretty large parts of my life to them and then a year down the line they’ll say ‘you never told me that you ___?!’ I genuinely don’t mean to do it, I’ve got a terrible memory and most of the time think that I must’ve told them. Could it be that he thinks he’s already mentioned it? To signpost you towards an online page explicitly mentioning his DGC would suggest to me that he thought you knew

Maybe him referencing this specific thing, which if she looked at it would make it evident, was his way of casually telling the OP without having to say oh by the way I am a grandpa, especially if he has avoided it because it makes him feel old and he’s a bit uncomfortable about having done so.

I don’t think it’s a red flag. Maybe he’s not a ‘proud grandparent’ or maybe he thinks he has mentioned it already. He’s clearly not keeping it as a secret from you or he wouldn’t have given you an easy way to find out.
I once dated a guy who didn’t mention his child until date 3 - that was weird as it was his own kid, but I don’t think so a grandchild.

Honestly dating a grandpa doesn't sound at all sexy! He's only a few years older than me and it would put me off. Not surprised he doesn't mention it particularly.

Also why should someone be proud to be one? It's not a great achievement is it? Just their kid had sex!

Not a big deal at all, especially if you've only been seeing each other for a few months (and presumay most of that has been in topsy turvey lockdown). There are probably lots of significant things you don't know about him and part of the pleasure of a new relationship is peeling away those layers and finding out what there is to know.

I would literally just go 'hey, I looked at x' s page, I did realise you were a grandpa, how lovely!'

Is the grandchild his biologically? His son/daughter may have gotten together with someone who had a child from a previous relationship...either way, it's not a big deal. I have people I worked beside that don't know I have a son! I don't feel the need to share any info about him...not that I deny him or am shamed of him, but at 11 I don't think anyone out with close friends/family needs to know any details about him, so I don't share it. It's a form of protection I think 🤔

Thank you for all these additional perspectives & opinions. Really helpful. Interesting the night shift gave a slightly different view.

Yes, definitely his gc biologically (don’t want to explain why this is certain, as the page is very niche, and I don’t want to give too much away).

I’m going to assume that he feels a little anxious about being perceived as ‘old(er)’ because of it. He has been very open about all other aspects of his life, so for the time being, and giving him the benefit of the doubt, I don’t want to think the worst! It may be that he thinks he has told me already (as one poster suggested), or that in pointing me towards this page, he wanted me to find out indirectly (as another has suggested). My own child is half the age of his youngest, so at a totally different stage of life, so perhaps that is also informing things.

Once again, thank you to everyone for helping me think the situation through calmly!

I'm 42 and have grandchildren, I think if I was talking to someone and id mentioned my children I'd definately mention my grandchildren

Not sure it's a red flag though!

Oh and it doesn't seem to have put anyone off

Let us know how you get on if you mention it to him, you sound like you have a lovely relationship unfolding, let us live vicariously through you!

OP, I can’t imagine ANY man on a dating site announcing that he’s a grandfather!
It wouldn’t exactly scream “sexy hot date”, would it. He might fear it would put you off, or cause you to view him as a past it old man, ready for pipe, slippers, and a Werther’s Original! Especially as you are younger than him.
Give him time. Once he is sure of your affections, and the relationship is firmly established, he will probably admit to the (horror, shock!) existence of his grandchild.
One of the sexiest lads at my school became a grandfather at 37. I doubt he would have trumpeted the fact to potential dates either!

Perhaps he’s ashamed of it. Given he’s only 50, his child must have had a baby pretty young. Many parents are ashamed if their kids have babies young

Maybe it's because it has a complicated backstory.

When I was dating, it wasn't until I'd been seeing someone a while that I explained that I had children with two men. Not because I was ashamed but because it would mean explaining a long story and I just didn't feel in the mood.

@ChancesWhatChances

Perhaps he’s ashamed of it. Given he’s only 50, his child must have had a baby pretty young. Many parents are ashamed if their kids have babies young

He's in his 50s. My mum is 52, she had me at 24. I had DS at 27. It's hardly a scandal...

@NiceGerbil

Grandfather at 50 is pretty young.

It's only 3 months.

I wouldn't worry about it.

If you get on and he's nice etc then I wouldn't worry tbh

Is it? My mum had me at 25, i had DD at 25, neither of us were considered young to have a baby and she was a grandma just before her 51st birthday!

Similar thing happened to me once. I was dating a guy whilst working away from home. I was 33. He was older. Not sure how much older but under 50. A load of us working on the same project went out for dinner and a young lad came. I though maybe he was his son. He then introduced me to his grandson. I nearly fell off my chair. 🤣

50 isn't particularly young to be a grandparent. My mum had me at 25 and I had DS at 24, making Mum a grandmother at 49. However, as this thread shows, some people do see it as unusual, so you can see why he may be a little nervous about telling people he's a grandad, he might you think women will be out off. 50 is a big deal for quite a few people, so perhaps he just feels a little sensitive about his age.

I would do what a pp suggest and say that you looked at the site and you think it's great what his DC has achieved while having a DC to look after as well.

Why is it an issue him having GC?

He may think you will think a grandad is an old man not a fifty something fittingly

@Worried830410

Maybe he is embarrassed as that means one of his kids is a very young parent/teen parent?

That's what I was thinking. Some people would see it as a sign of failed parenting.

Either way not a big deal. I thought you were going to say he'd been in prison or something.

If you can't ask him, this is not a viable relationship. Just ask.

@NomenOmen

I agree it’s not shameful at all. That’s why I’m so bemused.

It’s huge (ok, maybe not huge, I shouldn’t exaggerate), because it seems like quite a major thing which he hasn’t told me. He has spoken about this child a number of times, but never said, ‘oh, and they have a child...’. I guess it’s the kind of thing I would mention almost immediately. And as I said, since he seems very close to his children, it feels especially peculiar (I would have been less surprised if he was estranged from them, although that would be a major turn-off, to be honest, so I wouldn’t got this far down the line with him if he were...).

Well, you aren't him.

If it's a problem that he doesn't see grandparent-hood as a major aspect of his identity, and you would expect a boyfriend to do so, perhaps he isn't the one for you.

It's not Clive Dunn is it?

I understand your reaction entirely, OP and my suspicion is that he’s not mentioned it because you’re a little (not wildly!) younger than him. And maybe it’s become one of those things that he kept meaning to find the right moment to mention and the not mentioning it just snowballed.

I would just outright ask him. Admit you looked at sons page. I bet that he’ll apologise and say that he tried to mention it many times but went past the right moment then got anxious about the fact that he still didn’t mention it!

Good luck!

Perhaps he just mentioned his immediate family.

Personally, I wouldn't pursue a relationship online.
Mutual flirting or banter is fine by me.
I draw the line at that.

I don't want to ruin your happiness. I say this with the best intentions - be careful you don't end up hurt.

My father is around that age and a grandfather. If this man is anything like him I would say it's because he doesn't want to be seen as old. I noticed mine has knocked a couple of years off his birthday on Facebook and he dates a woman younger than me . He became a GF in his early 40s because he was young when I was born, I wasn't overly young to have DCs.

I bet he thinks it makes him seem old, hence the not mentioning it.