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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Discovered something about man I am seeing.

75 replies

NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:19

I have been dating a man I met via OLD since October. Obviously, with lockdowns, and so on, we have not met as frequently as we might have otherwise, and the bulk of our contact has been over Zoom/phone calls, etc.

We are getting on amazingly well. We have a lot in common, shared values, and so on. I really like him and he has made it clear that he also likes me a good deal.

However, by chance (and this is crucial - online, so not via a shared acquaintance, etc.), I have just found out that he is a grandfather. He’s in his 50s. Why didn’t he tell me? This seems like a huge thing. I am younger than him (not wildly), so perhaps he is worried about appearing ‘old’? Did he think I wouldn’t find out (and if so, does that mean he isn’t actually taking the relationship seriously)? Maybe he wanted to tell me but the opportunity never fully arose (it is difficult to conduct a relationship during lockdown, etc.!). He is in regular and seemingly close contact with all his children, so it’s not a matter of being estranged from them, as far as I know.

I want to find a way to get him to tell me, but without letting on that I found out by myself (it might seem as if I was gathering information online about him, which he might find uncomfortable. I certainly wouldn’t like something to be presented to me in this way).

Or should I just ask outright?

Is this actually a so-called ‘red-flag’?

I’d appreciate a bit of MN wisdom on this.

OP posts:

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 13:40

@NomenOmen

He told me about something lovely and successful his child had done (which has a page online), so I went to take a look, and it was clear from this page that they have a child.

It's not clear though unless he tells you. Nothing is completely clear from social media.

Original poster

NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:40

Thank you for these replies and general cool-headedness. I’m reassured that everyone thinks I’m making a mountain out of a molehill. I appreciate the opinions.

OP posts:

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 13:41

Have you had men lie to you before? Is this triggering something?

Silenceisgolden20 · 01/02/2021 13:41

Ask him. Only way to find out.

gnushoes · 01/02/2021 13:47

It's also possible that proud grandfathers make less of a deal of it than proud grandmothers.

Original poster

NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 13:47

No, not really. I don’t feel triggered, thankfully. It’s more surprise.

As I said, it’s the kind of thing I think I would mention very early on (I like the idea of being a grandparent!), so after several months, it feels strange that he still hasn’t told me this. But I appreciate everyone is different.

OP posts:

PositiveNegative · 01/02/2021 13:51

Really good friend of mine for years, with DCs same age as mine. Found out last year they have much older DCs and a DGC. Seemed a bit odd, but the DCs live a long way away, minimal contact, and it just never came up in conversation. I let it go.

If he's 40+ it's probably not that unusual anyway.

gannett · 01/02/2021 13:55

You've only been talking three months, it's not exactly the timeframe I'd expect to give out (or be given) a full family tree beyond the immediates. Completely natural that he just didn't mention a grandchild. Also, he obviously wasn't being secretive if he pointed you in the direction of a page where they were prominent!

"Oh by the way I have a grandchild" is the kind of thing that doesn't come up in conversation as naturally as you might think.

Mylittlesandwich · 01/02/2021 14:05

I wouldn't say it's a huge thing. Just mention it the next time you talk to him. Everyone is different, my mum is in her early 50s and we have DS she will mention him at the earliest opportunity in any conversation. My father would not, he's not so close to us and hasn't had anything much to do with DS so it isn't really a big part of his life.

Original poster

NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 14:11

Thanks again. I really appreciate the calm & firm responses & personal experiences which help contextualise it.

OP posts:

Fanacker1 · 01/02/2021 14:59

"@gannett You've only been talking three months, it's not exactly the timeframe I'd expect to give out (or be given) a full family tree beyond the immediates"

This ⬆️. You obviously really like him. Take a step back. He is taking his time getting to know you. Slow down!

Marineboy67 · 01/02/2021 15:00

Can't really see your problem, I'm 53 and have 3 beautiful granddaughters. Yes I started early my first child was born when was 19. There's no stigma to it at all. I guess the perception of grandparents are white haired little old men & women but it's not like that anymore. Just embrace it and don't make a problem and big deal out of it because it's not.

HaggisBurger · 01/02/2021 15:07

I do think it’s pretty odd not to have mentioned it at all. It’s a fairly major thing to have a grandchild. That said, I suspect it might be related to him not wanting to appear “old”. I think I’d just mention the site you looked and ask outright oh why didn’t you mention you had a grandchild. It wouldn’t be a red flag though for me.

HollowTalk · 01/02/2021 15:20

I once dated a complete twat man who said that he made a point of not contacting women on dating sites who had grandchildren. He thought they seemed too old. Might this man have come across similar discrimination?

Original poster

NomenOmen · 01/02/2021 15:23

@Marineboy67 - I absolutely don’t think there’s any stigma to having grandchildren ‘early’ (and I don’t think 50s is especially early!), and I don’t think his being a grandfather is a problem. Doesn’t alter my feelings for him as a person at all. It’s the not telling me (yet) that I find strange.

But as people have helpfully made clear, I shouldn’t see this as anything particularly worrisome, and need to take a step back, slow down, etc. It’s useful to see other people’s points of view on things. Thanks again, all.

OP posts:

Lovelydiscusfish · 01/02/2021 15:26

Maybe he is embarrassed because it makes him feel old? My ex was in his fifties when he found out he was about to become a grandfather and his initial response was to be appalled because he thought he was too young! I don’t imagine he would be very up front about it if he was dating someone. To be honest I thought his attitude was silly......

I would just ask the guy and see what he says. It’s reasonable of you to have looked up his kid on-line when he mentioned the achievement.

bloodyhairy · 02/02/2021 00:31

I think it's odd that he hasn't mentioned having grandchildren.
YANBU.

Changemaname1 · 02/02/2021 01:26

Op isn’t saying she is bothered he is a grandfather but that he didn’t tell her

Am going against the grain here but I do think it’s odd he didn’t mention it not a major red flag or anything but a bit strange

NiceGerbil · 02/02/2021 01:32

Grandfather at 50 is pretty young.

It's only 3 months.

I wouldn't worry about it.

If you get on and he's nice etc then I wouldn't worry tbh

Onthedunes · 02/02/2021 01:38

He just doesn't want to look like the oldest swinger in town.

Onthedunes · 02/02/2021 01:41

It shows that he will alter facts in order to get what he wants.

The type to omit things usually in my opinion will have no problem in telling white lies next.

fastwigglylines · 02/02/2021 01:59

No. People here are being odd. I think maybe they're doing that MN thing of agreeing with what the fist few posters say.

It is weird to not deliberately mention a grandchild if you've spent lots of time talking about DC.

There might be a perfectly reasonable explanation - perhaps he thinks he's mentioned it and it's not that he's deliberately neglecting to mention them.

But if he's deliberately hiding the fact he has a grandchild then that is weird. How weird depends on the reason - hang up about being a grandfather? Or some weird family dynamic?

There's no way of knowing just now and you can't exactly ask - why are you being weird about this?

But, I would certainly keep it in the back of my mind. It would make me slightly concerned that perhaps he's not someone who believes in being honest, and therefore not what I'd be after

Colouringaddict · 02/02/2021 07:42

Maybe he perceives that having grandchildren will make him appear older in your eyes. We had our first when I was 38, am now 52 and have 12! I would mention them early on, but I think that’s because women do lay themselves bare quite quickly.

I don’t think there is anything sinister, but I would mention that you know and see what he says

ColdInTheUtility · 02/02/2021 07:51

I cam see why the OP is asking. If hebuadnt mentioned his children, that would be considered a huge red flag. This is only one step removed from.that and something most people would he proud of so it seems a little odd not to mention it.

However, I don't think it's a red flag.

I also think it would be perfectly reasonable to mention it in the context of having looked up his child's page. He was proud of him/her and shared it with you, you were taking an interest in his life and following that up. Hardly snooping.

TansyViolet · 02/02/2021 08:13

I would have expected it to be mentioned in the first month.

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