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Original poster

Husband keeps visiting live cams sites / OFs

77 replies

krystellie · 01/02/2021 11:59

Hi, I'm looking for some advice and help. I've been with my husband for over 20 years (we met when both teenagers) and married over 5 years. He is my best friend and most of the time, things are great. However, for the past 2 years, he has been going on live cam sites and Only Fans late at night, paying money to specific models.

We have a very honest relationship and we look at porn together. However, when I first caught him using cam sites two years ago, I told him how I regarded it as cheating and didn't like it. He agreed and said he would stop. Sadly, he has had several relapses over the past 2 years, including paying for Only Fans profiles (signing up for several accounts, sending tips, buying videos / personal photos) the most recent and serious relapse being yesterday and I don't know what I should do.

He was in the garden on his own having a smoke (he only smokes when he has had a few drinks) and seemed to have been looking at his phone for a while before bed. I asked what he was looking at and saw Only Fans which he then quickly closed (in private browsing mode) but I had already seen it.

When I caught him on Only Fans last year, he apologised and promised to close the account. However, when I saw his phone yesterday, he had created a new profile and was following 25 models - mostly paid accounts (between $5-12 per month) and had sent private messages, tips, and had asked some of the models to send bespoke photos. I also found out that he had reactivated his live cams account and had about 2500 credits. In addition, he had signed up for online dating (this is what hurt me the most) and was receiving graphic messages from women, although he hadn't messaged any back and claimed it was a mistake (!). I asked to see his online banking account and worked out that he has spent over £200 in just one month on live cams and Only Fans.

I'm devastated and feel cheated on, used, and betrayed. Over the 2 years, he has probably spent over £1000 on live cams and Only Fans.

He keeps apologising and says he will change and that it's an addition but I feel like it's the final straw. He says today he wants to see an online counsellor together to help him get over the addition. I don't know whether I should support him and go along, or kick him out as I'm fed up of having my heart ripped out like this, over and over again. He hasn't previously spoken with a counsellor so perhaps that is what he needs?

It's worth adding that the history of him visiting these sites is always at the weekend / holidays when we've been drinking. Whilst he's saying he will stop drinking so much, I feel there is a deeper problem.

Please can anyone advise me on what I should do? Should I support him and go to see the online counsellor together? Or leave him?

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 01/02/2021 12:02

My advice would be to leave him
He’s consistently cheated on you

Somethingkindaoooo · 01/02/2021 12:08

Ew.

Even if he completely quits, my respect for him would plummet, and it could never recover.

Let me guess though- he was depressed/anxious/ you were busy with kids/ whatever, and so he had no choice but to look at women's tits?

hamsterchump · 01/02/2021 12:15

Leave him, he can see a counsellor and sort out his addiction on his own time. I bet once he's on his own he suddenly has no problem with his "addiction" though. Bleurgh, how pathetic and desperate and disgusting he is, I would have got the ick already, why do you put up with him?

Original poster
krystellie · 01/02/2021 12:25

Thanks. My head says leave him but my heart says stay. He's wonderful 99% of the time but I don't understand why he needs to do this, especially when he knows how much it hurts me. He says he needs to see a counsellor and that he can't beat this addiction on his own.

OP posts:
CrispsnDips · 01/02/2021 12:26

Would you like to save your marriage? Lots of people condemn bad behaviour but if your husband seeks help and is truly repentant, and stops this habit, I think your marriage can survive (if you want it to).

1940s · 01/02/2021 12:27

I think he's has his chance to stop and he won't. I truly don't understand the 'maths' behind 99% perfect when this is such a massive massive character flaw and deal breaker. I'm so sorry you're facing this but this must be the reason you leave him

Original poster
krystellie · 01/02/2021 12:29

I desperately want to save my marriage but I can't keep going through this.

OP posts:
1940s · 01/02/2021 12:55

Do you have children together?

1940s · 01/02/2021 12:55

How old are you?

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/02/2021 13:05

That would be the end for me along with the lame excuses. He can stop doing it, he just doesn't want to.

Devlesko · 01/02/2021 13:09

I don't mind porn if it's free and both in agreement.
But he is spending family money, on prostitutes, they are earning money from him.
I couldn't be with a man like this, however long we'd been together.
You told him you don't like it, but he doesn't give a toss. Well he obviously does, but not for you.

MsChatterbox · 01/02/2021 13:13

Not a popular opinion but if it was me I would give him another chance with the counsellor so long as this is the only area that needs fixing.

Worried830410 · 01/02/2021 13:17

I think he has outgrown the marriage. 20 years is a long time , but you met as teenagers and you both would be now relatively young so he sounds very bored and wanting to explore. I would leave tbh. I have seen this so many times where the couple has been together from teenagers and then either cheat/leave as they try to 'catch up' for what they missed out on. Sorry you have to go through this op.x

mylovelydd · 01/02/2021 13:20

He is spending your family money on tipping other women to show him intimate photos of their naked bodies doing god only knows what.

There is a part of his mind that thinks it's absolutely fine and the "it's a mistake" bit is totally insulting. He knows exactly what he is doing but thinks you're too stupid to realise that.
He doesn't sound wonderful, he sounds entitled and this won't stop.
In my book this is cheating. Please dump him. It will never change.

Original poster
krystellie · 01/02/2021 13:26

I'm 40 and he's 42. We don't have children.

OP posts:
Mintypylonsfryingsurplus · 01/02/2021 13:29

All the while you are overlooking this behaviour you are giving him the go ahead to continue as he has no consequences.
He needs a shock that its a deal breaker. Seperating for a while would show him you will not tolerate this.
He is acting like a single man so let him be one for a while.
He sounds vile its not an addiction its a choice every time he logs on.
What you have done do far has not worked so you need to show now its not on.
I feel for you OP and the chances of him setting up second accounts/ duplicate phones etc are very high.
He getting best of both worlds if he really valued you he would be doing everything to stop and work on marriage.
You deserve better than a life of playing Hetty Wainthrop and a man who is so weak. Flowers

YouKnowNothingJonSnow1 · 01/02/2021 13:32

I definitely consider this as cheating. Spending £1000 on live cam sites/onlyfans is absolutely diabolical. I think there is only one thing you can do moving forward OP, get rid.

CallistoSol · 01/02/2021 13:34

Yuck, how repulsive. Do you really have any respect left for him? You are relatively young, your relationship has run its course. Cut your losses and start a new, positive, happy life on your own. Men are overrated, and the one you have is a liar, a cheat and a sleaze bag. Good luck.

PinkPlantCase · 01/02/2021 13:40

I’d go to counselling together to start with so that he can understand how much it hurts you. Then let him work through the addiction properly.

Just make him understand that this really is the last chance and then stick to your guns if he does relapse again.

I know there are lots of apps that are either monitoring software or blocking software that could help. I’ve heard of people with tech addictions that have an app that notifies other people if they’ve done something they shouldn’t.

Not that you should have to baby sit him online but you need some way to make him accountable.

LentilShanklet · 01/02/2021 13:43

Yuk. What a horrible creep. Lots of people have asked whether you have any respect left for him, but the thing is he clearly has absolutely zero respect for YOU.

Into the sea with this one.

Original poster
krystellie · 01/02/2021 13:45

@PinkPlantCase

I’d go to counselling together to start with so that he can understand how much it hurts you. Then let him work through the addiction properly.

Just make him understand that this really is the last chance and then stick to your guns if he does relapse again.

I know there are lots of apps that are either monitoring software or blocking software that could help. I’ve heard of people with tech addictions that have an app that notifies other people if they’ve done something they shouldn’t.

Not that you should have to baby sit him online but you need some way to make him accountable.

As he only does this after (heavy) drinking, I don't think it's the real him, so am willing to try counselling but completely agree that it needs to be the last chance which I will make clear to him.
OP posts:
CallistoSol · 01/02/2021 14:09

You are so passive and accepting. Why? Your partner doesn't respect you, or even like you very much as he clearly values wanking over webcam porn to his partner's wellbeing. He won't change, he will learn to hide it better though. Find your self respect and ditch him.

EarthSight · 01/02/2021 14:10

The whole Live industry has brought prostitution to the masses and is such a bad problem in relationships. He seems to have picked up a new expensive hobby, except it's involving sexual contact with other women, so where does that leave you??

I think it gives men the idea that many women are up for anything, and that their wives are boring prudes in comparison. It seems to escape their attention that these women do these things for money. The drinking is also a problem in itself. Alcoholism sucks the life out of many a marriage.

PQWQ · 01/02/2021 14:14

He can stop if he wanted to. He is choosing not to.

I'd have absolutely no respect for a man who did this.

MonkeyPuddle · 01/02/2021 14:16

My ex did this, not to the same extent but he was using paid for cam sites. He did it while I was pregnant and I found out. He got a final warning. He did it again when I was 5 months postpartum and he got kicked out.
Addiction or not, we deserve so much more respect.