Husband keeps visiting live cams sites / OFs

[krystellie]

Hi, I'm looking for some advice and help. I've been with my husband for over 20 years (we met when both teenagers) and married over 5 years. He is my best friend and most of the time, things are great. However, for the past 2 years, he has been going on live cam sites and Only Fans late at night, paying money to specific models.

We have a very honest relationship and we look at porn together. However, when I first caught him using cam sites two years ago, I told him how I regarded it as cheating and didn't like it. He agreed and said he would stop. Sadly, he has had several relapses over the past 2 years, including paying for Only Fans profiles (signing up for several accounts, sending tips, buying videos / personal photos) the most recent and serious relapse being yesterday and I don't know what I should do.

He was in the garden on his own having a smoke (he only smokes when he has had a few drinks) and seemed to have been looking at his phone for a while before bed. I asked what he was looking at and saw Only Fans which he then quickly closed (in private browsing mode) but I had already seen it.

When I caught him on Only Fans last year, he apologised and promised to close the account. However, when I saw his phone yesterday, he had created a new profile and was following 25 models - mostly paid accounts (between $5-12 per month) and had sent private messages, tips, and had asked some of the models to send bespoke photos. I also found out that he had reactivated his live cams account and had about 2500 credits. In addition, he had signed up for online dating (this is what hurt me the most) and was receiving graphic messages from women, although he hadn't messaged any back and claimed it was a mistake (!). I asked to see his online banking account and worked out that he has spent over £200 in just one month on live cams and Only Fans.

I'm devastated and feel cheated on, used, and betrayed. Over the 2 years, he has probably spent over £1000 on live cams and Only Fans.

He keeps apologising and says he will change and that it's an addition but I feel like it's the final straw. He says today he wants to see an online counsellor together to help him get over the addition. I don't know whether I should support him and go along, or kick him out as I'm fed up of having my heart ripped out like this, over and over again. He hasn't previously spoken with a counsellor so perhaps that is what he needs?

It's worth adding that the history of him visiting these sites is always at the weekend / holidays when we've been drinking. Whilst he's saying he will stop drinking so much, I feel there is a deeper problem.

Please can anyone advise me on what I should do? Should I support him and go to see the online counsellor together? Or leave him?

When you are ready remember, the vipers here sound nasty but they will always reply and give you their best shot.

At worst it will irritate you, make you angry.
At best it wil help you work your way through all of this.

Put yourself first. All the best organisations that help family of addicts say that, they mean it, and for very, very good reason.

This man does not respect you.
He has shown you that.
He is only sorry now because he has been caught out.
Once he's done dealing with his faux addiction there'll be new accounts set up again but next time he'll be more careful.

Sorry you’re going through this. It is cheating on you, and with money which could have been spent on you or something lovely rather than for porn.

Its not addiction,l it is something he chooses to do and the drink doesnt make him do it it just loosens his inhibitions about doing it. Give him one chance if you feel he is truly sorry and wants to save the marriage. (Dont give yourself the heartache though of constant chances..) good luck

I can relate so much although my situation is slightly worse .. been together 12 years , but when he’s been drinking in the house on a weekend he calls and texts escorts , it’s honestly mind boggling, I was convinced he was meeting them but he isn’t , he doesn’t leave the house ever just gets excited calling them and pretending he’s going to book , messed up and hurtful on so many levels you aren’t alone x

@Lauren551 why??? Why are you setting the bar so low? Why do some females now value themselves so low or so desperate to stay with partners who are so foul and disrespectful?
If you need a project take up a craft/ hobby/ focus on yourself than trying to fix these weak, vile and truly disrespectful partners.
Its truly mind boggling but then you value yourself so little. Big sympathies for you too but come on!

He only does this when he's been drinking heavily and so can't control himself - yet he's miraculously sober enough to be able to set up all these different accounts, arrange payments for each of them, and message women individually to ask for more photos? And on top of all that, Mr "I'm so drunk & helpless" also managed to set himself up with a dating profile?

Those sound like the actions of someone who knew exactly what he was doing. So now the poor wee soul is twisting it all around to make himself the victim and has got you, his mum and your mutual friend all roped in to witness the whole charade.

Let him go and live elsewhere while he deals with his addiction to doing whatever he thinks he can get away with spending family money on asking women to do whatever he asks them to.

I would usually say LTB but if you are so desperate to keep this marriage then he now needs to take action..
If it's an addiction he now needs to go to counselling, I'm assuming he can afford it because he's spending on those websites.

If he genuinely does want to change, he will. If he doesn't take those first steps, then I would recommend a break.

@Mintypylonsfryingsurplus

That’s extremely rude to jump on when you no none of the facts ,
A full time hobby ? I work full time and have 3 children but thanks for your odd comment and quick judgement on my lifestyle based on what my partner does

Oh come on op, fuck him out!!!!!

He's only going to the counsellor because he's been caught out. It's a desperate attempt to keep you with him, as he knows he's blown it. We're none of us perfect, but ideally he'd have the emotional intelligence to look into therapy long ago.
I don't advise women to leave their husbands lightly, but I think you should. You'll end up hating yourself if you stay with him

So sorry you are going through this, it’s obvious that he has really hurt you and I know how it feels to want yo hold onto to your marriage even though he’s done the unthinkable. My advice, go with your gut. If you want to give him one chance then do it, at least you can say that whatever the outcome you tried. I’d much rather do that then look back wondering ‘ what if’. Take your time and really think about what you want- not him or faceless people on this site - what you want.

I know these are hard to read.

As a minimum, you need to delegate while he gets counselling. He needs to know what he has to loose.

In the meantime, would you consider counselling for yourself? I think you need it to help you process this. At some point you need to decide when your line in the sand is op.

He genuinely wants to change and keep our relationship

I don't doubt he wants to keep your relationship but this man has proven time and time again that he wants to continue seeing these women.

Break that money down into units and calculate exactly how many times he did it. Now think about whether he wants to change.

@Lauren551

I can relate so much although my situation is slightly worse .. been together 12 years , but when he’s been drinking in the house on a weekend he calls and texts escorts , it’s honestly mind boggling, I was convinced he was meeting them but he isn’t , he doesn’t leave the house ever just gets excited calling them and pretending he’s going to book , messed up and hurtful on so many levels you aren’t alone x

Please tell me that you don't accept this behaviour and that you are leaving him?!

@Lauren551 I think you have misunderstood. When I said get a hobby I implied that you are treating your partners behaviour as a hobby craft i.e. something to fix or improve. But again so quick to get on the defense you truly missing the point.
Also unless your partner never ever sets foot outside the door and you are all indoors 24/7 you have no idea if he is going through with meeting up with sex workers. So a tip if they are local numbers he is probably meeting them if he is ringing numbers far away then a fantasy. But they are always local I will bet. The oldest lines in the book for these cheaters are on this thread it really is a full house.

@Lauren551

I can relate so much although my situation is slightly worse .. been together 12 years , but when he’s been drinking in the house on a weekend he calls and texts escorts , it’s honestly mind boggling, I was convinced he was meeting them but he isn’t , he doesn’t leave the house ever just gets excited calling them and pretending he’s going to book , messed up and hurtful on so many levels you aren’t alone x

Sorry to hear that.

I went over my husband’s profile and for the dating site and live cam sites, he didn’t actually use up his credits or send any messages (!)

@Maze76

So sorry you are going through this, it’s obvious that he has really hurt you and I know how it feels to want yo hold onto to your marriage even though he’s done the unthinkable. My advice, go with your gut. If you want to give him one chance then do it, at least you can say that whatever the outcome you tried. I’d much rather do that then look back wondering ‘ what if’. Take your time and really think about what you want- not him or faceless people on this site - what you want.

Thank you. He has told a close (female) friend and his own mum in order to hold him to account.

Weirdly, a lot of the credits he spent - the majority - weren’t used.

You are not ending your marriage he ended it long ago when he preferred to.look at these woman than chat to you. He is a serial.cheat. you should.have more self respect.for yourself than you.do. clearly he has none for you. Leave him to his online sex addictions.

If only he didn't want to hurt you. If only he cared enough not to hurt you.

I was there, I had the most wonderful marriage for over a decade. But I left.

I finally decided I wanted to care for myself and respect myself.

@krystellie coming here for help will not help. Everyone will say leave which you could do.

Asking him to simple stop isn't an option.

You both need therapy, he needs live and addiction therapy which you can find on the AA site. Free meet ups ( before Covid not sure what they do now)

The pattern he has started long before you and will not just stop even if he really wants it to

For me the unforgivable bit would be paying for the use of another person's body for titillation. He has zero respect for women if he thinks that just buying them for sexy fun time is OK. That's before we even get to the massive betrayal of you.

I'm usually an advocate for counselling, as I do believe it can be useful but I could not get past the fact that he's a punter. It's gross

Same to Lauren551 - Your DH gets off on the idea of booking prostitutes, even if he doesn't actually go through with it. Christ. Find a man who considers women as equals to share a life with, not spunk holes that can be bought on a whim.

40 is young. It's clear he has been fobbing you off and asking you to attend counselling with him is also part of that. Spending family money on this is appalling and for me pretty unforgivable. Perhaps if you decide to separate he can reimburse this money - I would ask him.

I was in a 23 year relationship with a different set of sexual related problems. I stayed because leaving seemed impossible - I just couldn't imagine a life without him. The break up was hard but 3 years on I wish I had left when I was 45. I'm 58 and single, but no way would I want to go back and live in misery again and that is what he is forcing on you - that's not love (anymore). If the writing is on the wall, don't ignore it.

I actually think healthy life long relationships are a very rare thing, I didn't have it and I don't think you do either. I also think, as some other posters have said here, that relationships formed when very young last, the bond is usually co-dependent in nature. I also think, from experience, sexual problems don't change. They just don't. It's hard wired behaviour. The truth is he's loving it. He's not going to give it up. He wants you to attend the counselling with him because he can get support in his 'contriteness' and possibly convince you he needs support because he has a problem. It's true, he has a problem, but what he needs is a long hard lonely road to illumination. But most men don't have to do it - too many women out there take these broken blokes on. Too many women who believe in 'support' and that things will 'change'. Too many women believe these men actually care about their feelings. Maybe he did once.

Have faith, move on.

I've been there OP. he just got better at hiding it. I wish I'd left the first time (when he ran up my sister's phone bill, long story) - it spiralled over the years. If you are going to try to make it work, good luck!

If he has actually has an addiction he needs AA not counselling. He will always be a porn addict and the only cure -just like alcoholism - is to NEVER look at it again. It is really, really hard. And someone really needs to be desperate and really need to stop. It has to come from themselves.

He is telling you what you want to hear about the counselling, and maybe he even truly means it for that 5 minutes and for the other 5 minutes when he promises his mum.

But he has the rest of his life ahead of him when he will need to struggle every time he feels like a cam session. Every time he has a randy impulse, in fact. Without something like AA support he won't last a week. His sexual impulses have become deviated into cams and the like. He gets 'off' on those, he craves those and he needs them, and it would take so much work on himself to refuse and then rewire that sexual habit.

That is IF he is an addict. I doubt he is, and I am not at all sure that a kink/fetish can be called an addiction although there may be addictive elements.

People imagine that counselling will 'cure' someone into behaving differently. It is absolutely not like that.

Sorry Krystellie but it is the real him , he isn’t ‘ just ‘ looking at porn he is in private calls with these young girls , paying for them to send explicit photos of themselves. You need to get rid of him ASAP.