Husband keeps visiting live cams sites / OFs

[krystellie]

Hi, I'm looking for some advice and help. I've been with my husband for over 20 years (we met when both teenagers) and married over 5 years. He is my best friend and most of the time, things are great. However, for the past 2 years, he has been going on live cam sites and Only Fans late at night, paying money to specific models.

We have a very honest relationship and we look at porn together. However, when I first caught him using cam sites two years ago, I told him how I regarded it as cheating and didn't like it. He agreed and said he would stop. Sadly, he has had several relapses over the past 2 years, including paying for Only Fans profiles (signing up for several accounts, sending tips, buying videos / personal photos) the most recent and serious relapse being yesterday and I don't know what I should do.

He was in the garden on his own having a smoke (he only smokes when he has had a few drinks) and seemed to have been looking at his phone for a while before bed. I asked what he was looking at and saw Only Fans which he then quickly closed (in private browsing mode) but I had already seen it.

When I caught him on Only Fans last year, he apologised and promised to close the account. However, when I saw his phone yesterday, he had created a new profile and was following 25 models - mostly paid accounts (between $5-12 per month) and had sent private messages, tips, and had asked some of the models to send bespoke photos. I also found out that he had reactivated his live cams account and had about 2500 credits. In addition, he had signed up for online dating (this is what hurt me the most) and was receiving graphic messages from women, although he hadn't messaged any back and claimed it was a mistake (!). I asked to see his online banking account and worked out that he has spent over £200 in just one month on live cams and Only Fans.

I'm devastated and feel cheated on, used, and betrayed. Over the 2 years, he has probably spent over £1000 on live cams and Only Fans.

He keeps apologising and says he will change and that it's an addition but I feel like it's the final straw. He says today he wants to see an online counsellor together to help him get over the addition. I don't know whether I should support him and go along, or kick him out as I'm fed up of having my heart ripped out like this, over and over again. He hasn't previously spoken with a counsellor so perhaps that is what he needs?

It's worth adding that the history of him visiting these sites is always at the weekend / holidays when we've been drinking. Whilst he's saying he will stop drinking so much, I feel there is a deeper problem.

Please can anyone advise me on what I should do? Should I support him and go to see the online counsellor together? Or leave him?

So he's an alcoholic, a punter and has neither respect for you nor other woman. What a catch.

My husband is actually wonderful 99.9% of the time and is certainly not an alcoholic. He has only gone on these sites when we have had more to drink when we should together, which is not a regular occurrence, but it's definitely not good and needs to change, including the drinking.

He has booked in to see a counsellor this Thursday (who specialises in online porn / cam addiction) and will continue to go weekly.

I have said this has to be the final chance which he agrees. The counsellor told him on the phone that he sounds like a classic addict and it's hard to break that pattern of behaviour on his own. So I am prepared to assist with his recovery but it need to be the last chance.

We have also agreed not to drink alcohol at all in February and also when we do drink again, to limit it so temptation doesn't arise.

The money lost on this is non negotiable for me.

As he only does this after (heavy) drinking, I don't think it's the real him, so am willing to try counselling but completely agree that it needs to be the last chance which I will make clear to him

What is it they say ? Alcohol gives courage to what the sober man wants /says?

@CallistoSol

You are so passive and accepting. Why? Your partner doesn't respect you, or even like you very much as he clearly values wanking over webcam porn to his partner's wellbeing. He won't change, he will learn to hide it better though. Find your self respect and ditch him.

I find that pretty rude, actually.

My husband is going to see a counsellor and has told a mutual (female) friend and his Mum so as to be kept to account.

He genuinely wants to change and keep our relationship.

I hope the counselling helps him. Maybe it would do you some good to see a counsellor too op. On your own, to talk through all of this.

To me, what's he's doing here is consistently cheating on you. I'd be devastated by it and I don't think I could truly get over it as I'd be in fear of it happening again. It would probably end the relationship for me, but I respect that's not what you want to do. I think counselling for yourself would be a good way to work through your own feelings though. Let him work out his stuff and make the effort on fixing things, because he's the one who broke them. Your focus should be on you and your needs and feelings.

It’s a shame to see you defend someone who has no respect for you.

@BaggoMcoys

I hope the counselling helps him. Maybe it would do you some good to see a counsellor too op. On your own, to talk through all of this.

To me, what's he's doing here is consistently cheating on you. I'd be devastated by it and I don't think I could truly get over it as I'd be in fear of it happening again. It would probably end the relationship for me, but I respect that's not what you want to do. I think counselling for yourself would be a good way to work through your own feelings though. Let him work out his stuff and make the effort on fixing things, because he's the one who broke them. Your focus should be on you and your needs and feelings.

Thank you @BaggoMcoys. I agree and I'm looking into my options.

Oh for goodness sake, he’s not an “addict” he’s doing it because he likes it and wants to. He has personal responsibility

And signing up for online dating it a whole other level.

I really don’t know what’s going on on here today, we’ve one thread where a woman believes her husband is buying sex toys because he’s being blackmailed at work and now this, where he’s over the side and looking for another relationship and the op believes it’s because he’s an addict and can’t help it.

Just say look I know he’s lying and I am just going to pretend to believe him so I don’t have to leave.

Just to add here, a while ago I was in a relationship with a man. It only lasted for a couple of years but I thought he was the love of my life and that we were headed for marriage. He ended it and I was broken hearted. Now when he ended it, he mentioned another woman but he told me "it's not about her". Like a fool, I believed him, I thought she was irrelavent and I still wanted him back.

Over time, as my pain and heartache faded I realised he had cheated on me. It just hadn't sunk in before and I'd been telling myself the other woman he mentioned was not important and that he didn't care about her. She was just an accident, and if he'd have said "I've changed my mind and want you back Baggo". I'd have jumped right back in and not given her a second thought.

Actually, he'd joined OLD whilst still with me, and actively looked for a woman to be with before ending things with me. When it didn't work out with her, he tried to come back but I'd found my self respect by then. Prior to that I'd been completely prepared to brush her aside and forgive him as long as it meant we could get back together. I realised what he'd done was cowardly and despicable behaviour. It just took time for it to sink in.

Just stating the obvious OP, which is that the man you are living with prefers buy online sex than put his partner first. You clearly dont want to see what's in front of your face, which is sad. I feel sorry for you that your lack of self esteem is pushing you to excuse and forgive this low life, instead of chucking him the gutter where he belongs.

I desperately want to save my marriage but I can't keep going through this

How can you? It's not on you to save it. He doesn't want to save your marriage and that's the crux of the matter. He's not even trying. Worse, he breaks his promises to stop. So... this is who he is and who you're with. And your choice as to whether you stay or go must be based on this, not on the hope for change but rooted in the reality of who you are actually with. He won't stop. He can't be bothered.

At risk of beng rude to you

When you go to the counselling sessions; when you assits him; when his mum, friend, counsellor keep him to account; when all your efforst are bent on helping him break free of his addiction, poor man, remember to look after yoruself.

Don't become codpendent. Don't do, say things you don't believe for fear of hurting his feelings, him relapsing and logging back on to send money and messages to some woman he's never met for porn pictures and dirty words.

Take a step back and thnk of yourself. What do YOU want? Is it really a sex addict husband who is busy recruiting himself a support army?

I see he is going to counselling. I hope that works out.

curiousaboutsamphire that is SUCH great advice.
OP, the way you accused a poster of being rude made my heart sink because it shows you're so quick to defend his pretty awful actions.
Please read curious' post again and again.

He isn't going to stop. You are now on a loop of hoping he does but being on tenterhooks knowing that he won't. To paraphrase Meghan Markle, you are surviving, not thriving. His addiction has nothing to do with you. He sees women as bits of meat that he is willing to waste money on. Only you can know if being suspicious he is up to his old tricks is worth the rest of the time when he is your best mate. He's a grubby man, but he isn't in an exclusive club, so many of them are, and so many women put up with it too. Modern romance.

She wasn't being rude, she was being realistic.

He promised you he'd stop and didn't.

You shouldn't even have had to ask him to stop such behaviour.

The time for "addiction" counselling would have been when he realised he was starting to do what he'd promised not to again. But it sounds like he made absolutely no attempt to get help and just went ahead and did it, and would've kept on doing it if you hadn't caught him (again).

He "can't do this on his own" - there a pity because he has to.do it on his own. He's responsible for himself and his behaviour, noone else. Neither you nor anyone else in his life should have to tabs over him, monitor him, check up on him, block him from.dking what he's doing, chide,nag, remind, supervise etc Is he a child?

If he's really an addict (doubt it, he just likes having sexual interaction with multiple women - probably younger and better looking than he could get without paying in real life) he's the only one who can stop and stay stopped. Whereas he sounds like he's shifting the onus to other people, like you. He'll keep milking the addiction angle and the "I need support" angle and have you running around after him, excusing him, forgiving him over and over.

He's a cheater. He kept cheating even after promising you to stop. He sounds like he's manipulating you. His counsellor said, from.a quick conversation, that's he's a classic addict ... Right. Well they don't know him and some of them are crap. Some of them can't see through abusers and side with then against their partners.

If someone does awful things when they drink, and they continue to drink, they have a drinking problem.

If he actually wanted to stop, he would have stopped drinking first, which as you say he isn't an alcoholic, should be easy.

The truth is probably that he wants to do it all the time and uses alcohol as an excuse/motivator/disinhibitor. It's fairly classic (sex offenders do it).

He can get help. I would put the relationship on hiatus while he does. It's also rare for people with addictions to choose relationships with very healthy people with good boundaries. Codependence is a thing. So I'd also seek counselling for yourself while your relationship is on hold.

The dating sites is as or more shitty than the cam sex, buying porn pics and videos etc.

I've been on dating sites as a single woman genuinely trying to meet someone, being deceived and sleazed at and propositioned by men like him; actually married but on dating sites presumably not being honest about it, seeing what's out there, acting single and trying to get into sleazy chat .. at the very least.

As another poster said - he acts like he's single. Why are you so.committed to him when he's not to you (or at the very least he's committed only in that he won't leave but wants to browse other women, pretend he's single on dating sites, interact with other women sexually, spend money on other women etc).

Would he put up with you doing that ?!

Being on dating sites, chatting to other men, sexual interaction with other men, probably wanking in front of them and having them wank.in front of you, paying male models/escorts for nude pics and videos ..... ??

Not a fkg chance.

@MrsTerryPratchett

If someone does awful things when they drink, and they continue to drink, they have a drinking problem.

If he actually wanted to stop, he would have stopped drinking first, which as you say he isn't an alcoholic, should be easy.

The truth is probably that he wants to do it all the time and uses alcohol as an excuse/motivator/disinhibitor. It's fairly classic (sex offenders do it).

He can get help. I would put the relationship on hiatus while he does. It's also rare for people with addictions to choose relationships with very healthy people with good boundaries. Codependence is a thing. So I'd also seek counselling for yourself while your relationship is on hold.

This too.

He's rolling out every cliché in the book - addiction, alcohol use .. next it'll be depression and his childhood.

It's cheater bingo.

@krystellie

Thanks. My head says leave him but my heart says stay. He's wonderful 99% of the time but I don't understand why he needs to do this, especially when he knows how much it hurts me. He says he needs to see a counsellor and that he can't beat this addiction on his own.

He's not "wonderful" 99% of the time. You're just unaware of the real him 99% of the time.

What else could he be lying about?

He's not your best friend. A friend wouldn't betray you like this.

Sorry to be blunt but he's an asshole and you deserve better.

If you don't have respect for yourself why do you think he will ever respect you?

OP you seem determined to make excuses, justify any behaviour and get very defensive.
You have posted on a forum for advice and please remember however blunt you feel the replies are they are meant as tough love ok?
Many of us who reply on these threads gave either been through this ourselves/ know someone who gas been through this or have the common sense to see that the outcome for women like you rarely ends with the man in question changing.
So please take heed. You may not be ready to deal with the reality now and that is fine, but while you defend him you really are giving him yet more attention and support than he deserves.
Do you want to fix this man like a project or be in a respectful partnership?
How will you feel in 5 years when oops he 'relapsed' again? Continually checking on him, ensuring he doesnt stray? Meanwhile your self esteem and mental health is shredded.
Of course the counseller says its an addiction if they getting 40 bucks an hour to hear about his preference to whack off to sex workers rather than nurture his relationship.
Put your time and effort into yourself let him get on with his problem on his own. But deep down you dont trust him to do that do you?

@gaijinetal

He's rolling out every cliché in the book - addiction, alcohol use .. next it'll be depression and his childhood.

It's cheater bingo.

Yup. “Weren’t my fault”

It is his fault all day long. No one is so addicted they do this, then join a dating site and start repeatedly messaging women.

That’s a deliberate act. Wasn’t the booze, wasn’t addiction, it was he wanted to, he enjoyed it, he’s a cheat.

Thanks, I think this is the wake up call I needed.