Controlling or just a bit bossy?

[gorgoncity]

Firstly I need to say that I was in a slightly controlling relationship previously so this may be completely fine and I'm just reading too much in to it. My DP also never tells me what to wear, who to talk to, who I can and can't see or never shouts, calls me names. Are these examples DP just being a bit bossy?

If I don't agree with something he's said he will go on and on. I used to try and get my point across but there's no point so I just go quiet after saying what I need to say.

If we're not planning on going anywhere that day and I still decide to put some make up on he'll repeatedly ask why (as there's no need apparently). He does this every time even though I've explained it makes me feel better.

I can never seem to have control of the TV, it always seems to be what he wants to watch.

He always seems to want to pick what's for dinner even though it's me cooking it and I don't really get the chance to choose myself.

Hates anything Apple branded and gets a bit annoyed and huffy every time I upgrade my phone or tablet to Apple (it's paid for by me). I get told over and over why Apple is not the right choice.

If he offers to get me a drink or snack and I say no thanks then change my mind 10 mins later and go and get one, he says that I've said no to him on purpose as I don't want him getting me anything

These examples might seem fairy minor but there are a lot more (I don't want to bore you with them all!). We've been together 3 years.

Tell us about his good points.

Seems a bit controlling,but as above tell us more x

Same type just a different name sorry op

They don't seem fairly minor to me. He treats you like a child who is incapable of making her own decisions or make her own choices. And anytime you defend your choices he browbeats you until you go quiet.

I think your previous 'slightly' controlling relationship has numbed you to how controlling this one is. It might be a different set of tactics, but it's certainly not normal or just bossy. Your being infantised and brow beaten.

Did you have therapy or help after your previous relationship? Cos I think your shark cage needs a serious overhaul.

Doesn't have to rise to an abusive level of controlling to be exceedingly annoying. He sounds like he always has to be right and have things just so (I bet he bangs on about being "logical" when he's trying to argue with you, too). Very tiresome kind of person to be around and I'd find it insufferable in a relationship.

If you want to stay with him there are things you can and should be doing to reassert yourself though. Pick what you want to cook and just go ahead and cook it. Tell him you've made a choice and if he wants something else he can cook it.

If he's watching something you don't want to watch, take yourself off and watch what you want on a laptop or tablet, if you have one.

If he goes ON AND ON about the make-up or Apple or whatever a short sharp snap is in order. "This is boring, shut the fuck up for the love of God."

If he reacts badly to any of this then you have a worrying level of controlling on your hands.

*you're

Even if it’s not “as bad” in terms of fully controlling as you’ve experienced in the post doesn’t make it ok.

I’d fine all that pathetic, needy and exhausting to be honest and absolutely end the relationship.

He would get on my nerves. My nerves have to be tended carefully. How are your 'nerves'? Is he good for you (and them?).

It sounds like you have left one controlling aka abusive relationship to go into another one of the same type. What you are describing here with this man is he imposing his control on you.

You need to plan your exit from this before his control of you further escalates as it will do. Such men do not change and this is who he really is.

What is the situation re the property and finances?. You need to plan your exit from this relationship with due care. Where are your family and friends, are they supportive?. Abuse like this thrives on secrecy, time to bust this wide open now.

I would urge you to contact Women’s Aid as they can help. Do also read a copy of “why does he do that?” written by Lundy Bancroft and look at the Freedom Programme online.

At best he has an overbearing personality with a rigidity of thinking that doesn't allow room for the possibility that anyone might not share his opinion and thus just needs the point hammering home in order to see the light.
At worst he holds a view consciously or unconsciously that you are a side dish to his main course and as such your with and purpose is only that which facilitates his existence precisely how he wants it with no adjustment to the fact that an actual other human with their own desires and feelings might want to have a say.

You must be very passive/flexible to the point of your own detriment to have tolerated it enough to end up living together. Which isn't surprising considering your previous relationship.
Compliant people attract domineering people because... Well it works for them doesn't it.
Not good, definitely not your imagination that this is less than ideal, it is very much so less than ideal.
Sorry you aren't respected in your relationship and are belittled so often.

Seems like you are pretty subordinate in this relationship. He gets the final word over most things. You are there to facilitate his wishes.

I find it interesting that he doesn't seem to have a problem with you being unhappy. All he seems to care about is that he got what he wanted. Your wishes and desires are secondary.

How does he react when you call him out on it? My DP isn't controlling but there are a couple of minor things he has really strong opinions about . He would go in and on about them and when I felt differently would "need " to prove he was right. I started just asking him why he thought his opinion was better than mine and why he didn't respect my view and leave it alone.

This worked sometimes but then I would just arch an eyebrow and ask him why on earth did he think it was ok to treat me as if I didn't have a brain. It got the point across. He stopped went quiet and it all faded away.

It does sound on the line. It could be a bossy obsessive thing or it could be controlling. Do you have full access to money , transport ? Are you able to see your family? Has he ever insisted you take the makeup off?

Your boundaries need work urgently. These have been mashed by previous abuse and now they are being further eroded by this person now. This relationship needs to be over and it is over anyway because of his controlling behaviour towards you.

Definitely far too controlling, needs binning off imho

How are you not mentally exhausted after 3 years of this? He sounds like a total headfuck, tbh.

If that's what you call "bossy" then I'm a bit concerned how you define "slightly controlling" .

Have you done the Freedom Programme course or had any therapy?

Also do read the Lundy Bancroft book mentioned above

Have you tried the short snappy thing mentioned? Like ‘I’ll do what I want’ when he bangs on about you wearing makeup? I once did this to my then bf when he was on about preferring me not to wear nail varnish. I went a bit mad and he’s never mentioned it since. My choice, not his.

Definitely controlling - it would drive me nuts. I feel really sorry for you, having to put up with him haranguing you and not even letting you choose what you eat (especially as you are the one cooking!)

What's your situation - do you have children together? A mortgage?

He sounds absolutely unbearable.

The man is a dick...

Unfortunately there is a type of men who can instinctively spot someone who is vulnerable, has had their confidence knocked out by previous partners and is unsure of themselves and their right to be treated well. Those are controlling and predatory creature who will take advantage of your vulnerability.

If I were you I would end this and spend time working on myself before I enter another relationship. You are more likely to find someone who will respect you and treat you as you should be treated once you have built up your confidence.

This is a free pdf version of the Lundy Bancroft book a PP mentioned OP in case you want to take a look www.docdroid.net/py03/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

Controlling yes, just a different flavour

This sounds absolutely miserable op! I really hope you don't have any children together?

Just because you left a 10/10 prick, doesn't mean you should settle for an 8/10 prick.

He's controlling and also incredibly patronising. He's treating you like a child in many examples. Not like an equal with a right to autonomy and decision making.

Some of them he does repeatedly despite already having had an explanation previously (like the make up thing) which seems like someone who either can't self regulate their controlling nature or someone who wants to grind you down, or both.

Honestly he sounds like a right dick.