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Original poster

Controlling or just a bit bossy?

60 replies

gorgoncity · 31/01/2021 13:23

Firstly I need to say that I was in a slightly controlling relationship previously so this may be completely fine and I'm just reading too much in to it. My DP also never tells me what to wear, who to talk to, who I can and can't see or never shouts, calls me names. Are these examples DP just being a bit bossy?

If I don't agree with something he's said he will go on and on. I used to try and get my point across but there's no point so I just go quiet after saying what I need to say.

If we're not planning on going anywhere that day and I still decide to put some make up on he'll repeatedly ask why (as there's no need apparently). He does this every time even though I've explained it makes me feel better.

I can never seem to have control of the TV, it always seems to be what he wants to watch.

He always seems to want to pick what's for dinner even though it's me cooking it and I don't really get the chance to choose myself.

Hates anything Apple branded and gets a bit annoyed and huffy every time I upgrade my phone or tablet to Apple (it's paid for by me). I get told over and over why Apple is not the right choice.

If he offers to get me a drink or snack and I say no thanks then change my mind 10 mins later and go and get one, he says that I've said no to him on purpose as I don't want him getting me anything Confused

These examples might seem fairy minor but there are a lot more (I don't want to bore you with them all!). We've been together 3 years.

OP posts:
wewereliars · 31/01/2021 14:12

He sounds a complete pain in the backside, I would get rid xx

CorianderBee · 31/01/2021 14:25

I think it's a mix of his personal failings to communicate well rather than intentional control and maybe him thinking you don't have preferences. He just sounds a bit of a stuck up man.

Like if you want a certain thing for dinner and you're cooking just make what you want and tell him you're making that. I don't get why you'd take his word as law instead of just challenging it?

Rebelwithverysharpclaws · 31/01/2021 14:31

Watch your own TV in another room - I bet he would not like it though.
He really can't decide what you are going to cook - what a fucker.
You need to stand up for yourself now or leave.

billy1966 · 31/01/2021 15:59

Get rid of him.
Flowers

Original poster
gorgoncity · 31/01/2021 17:02

We have children but not together.

The house is rented in both of our names. I didn't realise notice the extent of his bossiness / controlling ways until we'd been living together for a while.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 31/01/2021 17:09

Re your comment:-

"The house is rented in both of our names. I didn't realise notice the extent of his bossiness / controlling ways until we'd been living together for a while."

You would not have done; it is only when you were well established as a couple (and also when you moved in together) that his true nature emerged. This is who he is and has been all along. There were likely signs before but they were either minimised or simply not recognised. Do not minimise this from him as he being bossy.

Abuse as well is NOT about communication or a perceived lack of; its about power and control and this man wants absolute here just like your ex did. Such behaviour as well has likely escalated over time too.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?. Is this really the role model they ought to be seeing, no it is not.

If someone else was writing this what would your own counsel be?. It does not appear either that you have looked at the Freedom Programme to date and this is something I would recommend you do. Your boundaries here will be further mashed by this individual.

Gliblet · 31/01/2021 17:17

I used to try and get my point across but there's no point so I just go quiet after saying what I need to say

This is the thin end of the wedge if it continues - once he's trained you not to argue about wearing makeup, choosing meals, or choosing a TV programme to watch, what comes next? The worst part is that because all of these things have become normal to you, you don't realise if he moves on to who you can/can't spend time with, what you can/can't read, what you should be spending your own money on...

If there is a future for this relationship, then it needs to be a partnership where both voices are heard.

Sssloou · 31/01/2021 17:22

Why is bossy OK? You should be equal.

He sounds v contrary and dominant - puts you in a subordinate place.

What is this like for your DCs - or see their DM picked on, silenced, dominated?

What’s his RS history?

You don’t sound happy.

Listen to your gut.

pinkyredrose · 31/01/2021 17:33

Do the DC live with you? That's a toxic environment indeed. Why doesn't he cook?

Crimeismymiddlename · 31/01/2021 17:44

I would not say controlling, apart from the make up-I live on my own and sometimes put it on even if I am not leaving the house just because. But honestly can you face decades of being talked at, constantly being told your choices are wrong, never eating what you want or watching what you want or being able to change your mind. A lot of people feel sorry for singles-but they don’t have to put up with that!

peak2021 · 31/01/2021 17:47

I think controlling not abusive from what you describe.

Jumpers268 · 31/01/2021 17:47

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Just because you left a 10/10 prick, doesn't mean you should settle for an 8/10 prick.

He's controlling and also incredibly patronising. He's treating you like a child in many examples. Not like an equal with a right to autonomy and decision making.

Some of them he does repeatedly despite already having had an explanation previously (like the make up thing) which seems like someone who either can't self regulate their controlling nature or someone who wants to grind you down, or both.

Honestly he sounds like a right dick.

This 100%.
Original poster
gorgoncity · 31/01/2021 17:49

@pinkyredrose My DC live with us. I don't think they've ever noticed to be honest. I don't know why he doesn't cook - he never has done, it seems to be my job Hmm

OP posts:
pog100 · 31/01/2021 17:52

As others have said, if he has plenty of good points too, and I hope he has, I would first try to really firmly place your boundaries, stand up for yourself and don't stand for any shit. It's just possible he doesn't realise what he's doing in the relationship and needs correcting.
However, I think it's far more likely that it's his character which he can't or won't change and you have to take steps to separate.

JanuaryChill · 31/01/2021 18:00

They will have noticed, but they may think it's normal (depending on how long you've been together and their ages), which is worse

Craftycorvid · 31/01/2021 18:00

Regarding make-up, the correct answer is ‘because I WANT to’ and that is a complete answer. If he wants something specific for dinner, he should cook it. TV choices should be 50/50. Are you happy in this relationship?

youvegottenminuteslynn · 31/01/2021 18:00

[quote gorgoncity]@pinkyredrose My DC live with us. I don't think they've ever noticed to be honest. I don't know why he doesn't cook - he never has done, it seems to be my job Hmm[/quote]
Misogyny, I would imagine!

LaceyBetty · 31/01/2021 18:02

I couldn't live like that OP.

Bananalanacake · 31/01/2021 18:13

It's good you don't have dc together. Could you live separately and see each other once or twice a week, then you can do what you want all the time.

Bluntness100 · 31/01/2021 18:16

Honestly I’m not sure it’s controlling as such more fucking irritating. He sounds like a right pain in the back side, you must have the patience of a saint, I’d not find that sort of mithering remotely attractive.

Shoxfordian · 31/01/2021 18:18

It looks like you’ve gone from one controlling knob to another

billy1966 · 31/01/2021 18:22

@Shoxfordian

It looks like you’ve gone from one controlling knob to another
Exactly this.

Protect your children and their childhood, get rid of him and take some time on your own.

He's a domineering twat.
It will only get worse.

Your children will start to notice if they haven't already.

Do NOT underestimate how much even very young child absorb, even if they don't fully understand.

Get rid.

partyatthepalace · 31/01/2021 18:23

He’s certainly controlling and overbearing. It seems he thinks you are a child?

I would think about finishing up, but if you don’t want to, you need to do some work on boundaries and assertiveness, I’d start by getting snappy with him.

iailwfsaidc · 31/01/2021 18:31

He's pissing me right off just on the basis of your post.
I could not live with that.
And I agree with others when they say that men like that escalate this behaviour slowly but surely so that you don't notice.
He starts behaving like this about minor things and before you know it he's complaining about you going out with friends or doesn't want you meeting particular family members.

You're already changing your behaviour by no longer trying to get your point across because he has made clear that he will "go on and on" until you agree with whatever he is saying.

Do yourself a favour. Get rid and then spend some time single and working on your own self-esteem so that you aren't prepared to settle for types like this.

C152 · 31/01/2021 18:41

Could be controlling; could be that he's just opinionated and rude. Either way, it's not a recipe for a happy life.

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