Controlling or just a bit bossy?

[gorgoncity]

Firstly I need to say that I was in a slightly controlling relationship previously so this may be completely fine and I'm just reading too much in to it. My DP also never tells me what to wear, who to talk to, who I can and can't see or never shouts, calls me names. Are these examples DP just being a bit bossy?

If I don't agree with something he's said he will go on and on. I used to try and get my point across but there's no point so I just go quiet after saying what I need to say.

If we're not planning on going anywhere that day and I still decide to put some make up on he'll repeatedly ask why (as there's no need apparently). He does this every time even though I've explained it makes me feel better.

I can never seem to have control of the TV, it always seems to be what he wants to watch.

He always seems to want to pick what's for dinner even though it's me cooking it and I don't really get the chance to choose myself.

Hates anything Apple branded and gets a bit annoyed and huffy every time I upgrade my phone or tablet to Apple (it's paid for by me). I get told over and over why Apple is not the right choice.

If he offers to get me a drink or snack and I say no thanks then change my mind 10 mins later and go and get one, he says that I've said no to him on purpose as I don't want him getting me anything

These examples might seem fairy minor but there are a lot more (I don't want to bore you with them all!). We've been together 3 years.

I'd sack him off. This is so annoying. My ex was like this. Picking at fucking stupid, inconsequential things. My current partner and I just leave each other in peace. The difference is incredible. He doesn't care what I do or why. We respect each other. I put up with the kind of crap you're describing for too long- I hope you don't.

Personally I don't think it's controlling as such, it just seems he has quite an annoying personality and likes to be awkward. He seems very opinionated and pushy about it. It's definitely not your fault but your experience with abuse previously may make you quite a passive, vulnerable person and this will allow him to have more control over situations.

He's not controlling he just chooses to have control over you? Interesting distinction.

My DP also never tells me what to wear
vs
If .. I still decide to put some make up on he'll repeatedly ask why (as there's no need apparently).

He's pretty damned controlling actually, from your examples. Maybe he's got nothing on the previous guy, but he's still way out of line.

Also, I think when you've got to the point it's no use trying to communicate your needs/disagreement any more because you know he's not going to take it on board, it's over.

I don't know why he doesn't cook - he never has done, it seems to be my job

I hope he at least goes food shopping and clears up/washes up after.

@pinkyredrose No he doesn't!

What a horrible man to have around your DC. He dictates what every dinner is but you shop, cook and clear up. He's treating you like a kitchen appliance with a vagina attachment.

Considering his other controlling ways i really would kick him to the curb. Could you ask him to move out? You don't honestly want him around do you, he's making your life so much worse than it would be without him in it.

[quote gorgoncity]@pinkyredrose No he doesn't! [/quote]
Why are you showing your children that it's a woman's job to cook and clean?! You should be aiming to show them that a couple should be a team of equals. Please don't let this dickhead reinforce stereotypes that have damaged women and girls for years and made them believe they have a duty to perform some 'roles' like cooking, cleaning and childcare.

Please get rid of this useless twat

The fact that you feel the need to ask the question should be telling you all you need to know.

The issue isn't whether he's right or wrong, or controlling or bossy or a unicorn or a floop, it really doesn't matter what name you give it. The thing you need to be responding to is that fact that he is doing things all the time that you don't like. Things that make you uncomfortable.

Why are you asking strangers on the internet whether it's ok to listen to those feelings? Everybody always has to listen to and respect their own feelings. It's not about an external set of rules (unless somebody is breaking the law); it's about having your own boundaries. They won't be the same as anybody else's, and it's up to you to uphold them.

So, if he does things you don't like, tell him. Then, if he doesn't respect your feelings, leave him.