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Relationships

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Original poster

Unmarried Boyfriend Buying House

68 replies

WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 15:07

He is thinking of buying a 3/4 bed house. This was his plan before we got together and would have happened sooner if not for Covid. We have not been dating long and are currently renting a property together (again because of Covid).
How much say should I have in choosing the house?
If we split there would be no issue as he can afford the mortgage etc on his own anyway. And I gain by having lived there for a nominal sum.
But if we do eventually stay together - surely the marital home would be something I have equal say in. And it seems silly to sell the first house and go and get another one when I could have had my say in the first one anyway!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

NotaCoolMum · 30/01/2021 15:24

I wouldn’t give someone I “have not been dating long” any say in which h oh use I choose to buy. An opinion- yes, but not anything more.

HirplesWithHaggis · 30/01/2021 15:26

You can make suggestions, but have absolutely no "say" at this point.

Toorapid · 30/01/2021 15:28

None, at all, unless he wants you help choosing curtains Except that you're already living with him.

TBH, if you're asking because he's not even considering your opinion in this, I'm not sure why you want to live there and I also suspect he's a long way from your page with regard to the significance of the relationship.

Hailtomyteeth · 30/01/2021 15:29

Not even an opinion. His house, his choice.

Make sure you don't contribute money you can't afford to lose.

Seems you're worried you won't get a say in choosing your marital home. If you decide as a couple to marry, you could move house at that point.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/01/2021 15:31

How much say do you think you should have, OP?

Have you discussed getting more serious, being long term, etc?

Has he included you in future plans?

I think more info is needed to be able to comment.

lunar1 · 30/01/2021 15:31

I don't think you get a say in it, you can decide to live in it or not though.

Trisolaris · 30/01/2021 15:35

Well it’s up to him really isn’t it?

My partner and I bought individually and now live in his house and rent my flat out which was always the long term plan. He ultimately had to be happy with what he bought but definitely considered me and asked my opinion which I appreciated. I would have felt he was less serious about me if he hadn’t. In the future though we can always move somewhere else if it doesn’t suit us both.

Aquamarine1029 · 30/01/2021 15:37

You haven't been together long, and you think you should have a say as to which home he buys? You have zero say. His house, his choice.

hMG206 · 30/01/2021 15:41

Zero say. Unless he asks of course.

Topseyt · 30/01/2021 15:42

What money are you putting into this house? Are you planning on providing some of the deposit and then paying towards the mortgage and bills each month? Are you going to be named on the mortgage? Are you going to be named on the deeds? If not then you have no protection at all, and no say in anything.

I wouldn't pay any money towards a property if my name wasn't going to be on the mortgage AND the deeds. Ideally, I would want to be married too.

As things stand you have no say and no legal protection.

flowery · 30/01/2021 15:44

You’ve not been dating long and you think you should have a say in what house he buys?

PandaVie · 30/01/2021 15:48

The question seems a bit generalised so it’s not clear what the op is asking exactly. but the responses seem kind of unpleasant, not sure why.

PandaVie · 30/01/2021 15:49

It’s also like that repeating “pile on” where everyone says what the person before has (unpleasantly) said.

sapnupuas · 30/01/2021 15:53

It might be for the best if you don't have a say so you don't form too much of an attachment to it should the worst happen.

Original poster

WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:04

Thanks for all your replies - it is quite confusing so bear with me.
My partner has had plans for buying a long-term house for a while. He is already talking about decorating it, fixing it up etc. If he had done this and I had come along it would not seem strange to change plan and sell further along the line.

However since I am now here and will be living in it he has asked my opinion. Insofar as that he won't buy something that I hate. But if we had clashing opinions on any aspect the final decision would still be his. Obviously as it is his house. The thing is as my opinion was 'asked' it would seem strange if 3 years later we were to sell it - assuming I was around the whole time all this fixing up was going on!

I have searched through all the threads on mumsnet but in every situation it was either someone moving into their partner's house OR two unmarried people deciding to buy togther. And in the first wanting to sell and buy makes sense as the original partner was not in the picture at the time of buying.

I suppose my ACTUAL QUESTION would be:

Is it fair to tell him that if it is only him buying the house - there is a possibility that it will be sold when we decide to marry?

And that if he insists on the living situation not changing the only other option is for us to buy the house together?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 30/01/2021 16:08

I was your boyfriend in this position. I was planning on buying a house. I did. I took my boyfriend with me on the viewings but the choice was mine and I moved in alone at first.

He did move in with me and I now rent in out. He is now my husband. We never sold it when we got married. We lived there for 18 months after we got married and had a baby there.

FelicityPike · 30/01/2021 16:08

I think it all sounds a bit too soon.
If you’re not comfortable having these conversations then it’s not the right time.
It definitely wouldn’t be strange if he sold HIS property after you’ve lived there for three years after your both done it up.

CagneyNYPD · 30/01/2021 16:10

I am a little confused. On one hand you say that you haven't been dating long. But you also say that you are renting a place together. So living together, in a long-term committed relationship? Or living together because if as been convenient but not quite sure where it is going kind of thing?

PotteringAlong · 30/01/2021 16:10

In answer to your actual question I think you are unreasonable on both counts. You cannot make him buy a house with you and although you can make selling the house a condition of you marrying him it seems a bit of an odd condition to me.

Original poster

WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:13

@Trisolaris - your situation sounds ideal!

I suppose I just find it a bit strange to be living in a house for a few year only to decide that I want a different one upon a firmer relationship commitment.

OP posts:

StephenBelafonte · 30/01/2021 16:13

Why don't you buy together? Or on your own

NovemberR · 30/01/2021 16:14

What makes you think you will get married? You've not been dating long.

He's had long term plans to do this. You can't insist the only other option is for us to buy together.

If I were him and a newish partner came out with this stuff I'd be binning them.

RealisticSketch · 30/01/2021 16:15

No say to be expected this is his purchase not yours, so no leverage to be exerted is reasonable. However, if you both envisage a permanent future together it seems likely be will be interested in your opinion and would ask for it. I'm which case give your opinion and he may make the choice you would hope for.

Honeyroar · 30/01/2021 16:16

I think it would be weird giving him instructions about how the house has to be sold if you got married etc. It would be too much too soon. I think you just have to give your opinion on houses if asked. You cross the bridge about family/forever homes when you decide to marry or have a family. At the moment your sort of a lodger with benefits. Give it time, let things come naturally.

NotaCoolMum · 30/01/2021 16:17

You’re asking questions based entirely on “what ifs and maybes”...how long have you been together?

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