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Relationships

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Original poster

Unmarried Boyfriend Buying House

68 replies

WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 15:07

He is thinking of buying a 3/4 bed house. This was his plan before we got together and would have happened sooner if not for Covid. We have not been dating long and are currently renting a property together (again because of Covid).
How much say should I have in choosing the house?
If we split there would be no issue as he can afford the mortgage etc on his own anyway. And I gain by having lived there for a nominal sum.
But if we do eventually stay together - surely the marital home would be something I have equal say in. And it seems silly to sell the first house and go and get another one when I could have had my say in the first one anyway!

Thoughts?

OP posts:

TenderTremblingTimes · 30/01/2021 23:42

I think it’s odd your boyfriend is buying a house, but not jointly with you, if you live together.

Honeyroar · 30/01/2021 23:43

Because it’s pretty early days for them Tender.

MixMatch · 30/01/2021 23:46

OP you're totally jumping the gun talking about marriage. This man does not even want to buy a house with you, he's only thinking about his own future right now.

Unless there's an external factor pushing him to buy, if he saw you as his possible future wife, he would wait to see how the relationship developed so you could buy together in the future, if relationship continued working out. Men know early on when they've found the woman they want to spend the rest of their lives with. Most men are also only too happy to stay in convenient cohabiting non-committed relationships in the meantime, until they find the woman they actually want to marry.

What about Covid means, have to live together right now? He's clearly not committed to the relationship at this point so just live separately and take things slowly.

MixMatch · 30/01/2021 23:52

@Fairydustrust

Just tell him it's his choice. Then buy or rent somewhere of your own.

Exactly this. I wager that this man sees the OP as a "good for now" girlfriend who will also be a useful financial resource for helping fund the living costs in HIS house when she moves in.

tenlittlecygnets · 31/01/2021 00:12

Is it fair to tell him that if it is only him buying the house - there is a possibility that it will be sold when we decide to marry?

You can't tell him anything if you are not buying the house!!

Are you in a position to contribute to buying s house together?

whoamongstus · 31/01/2021 00:29

Are you expecting there to be a potentially big gap between what he chooses and what you'd ideally choose? I think that'd sway it for me: something like layout or the 'type' of house (new build, 60s, ancient cottage) I think I'd learn to live with if I'd built my life with someone in the house so I wouldn't be too fussed either way.

If it's something like - he wants a 2 bed in the city centre and ideally you see yourself living in a 4 bed in the countryside, I think I'd have the chat with him and say, it's absolutely your choice and up to you but if we're still together and married in X years, I don't see myself living in X size/location of house so is this something you're willing to compromise on in future?

If he's not willing to compromise in future then there's an issue anyway, if he is then you have your answer. And if he is and he's also willing to compromise now and take your potential thoughts into consideration then not only is that a nice indication of his idea of where the relationship is going but you won't feel bad about having some input.

My OH and I aren't married yet and we're going to be buying a house in a year or so, with the deposit coming from his money. I may not be able to be on the mortgage initially for various (legit!) reasons but as it's a home for us to build our life in together we'll be choosing it together. Having said that we are planning to get married and that's already decided so I suppose it becomes a almost a moot point then anyway!

Sunflower1970 · 31/01/2021 07:24

I think you are thinking too far ahead. He is making his own plans. I think he is way off thinking long term so his house his decision.

Tier10 · 31/01/2021 08:44

OP have you and your boyfriend worked out how you are going to split bills etc?. Make sure you don’t pay anything towards the mortgage and decorating etc and then make this a good opportunity to save up a decent lump sum. Also have you thought about if he’s doing up his house how will this impact you.? Will he be tired all weekend and you want to go out and do fun stuff?
My friend at uni I mentioned upthread would turn up on Monday talking about her three trips to B&Q at the weekend and how lovely the hallway floor looked now etc and her sore back from the DIY.

RuggeryBuggery · 31/01/2021 08:52

I think it’s nice that, if I’ve understood correctly - he has asked your opinion on the new house/is going to

I think just go along with the viewings give opinion when asked. Hopefully he’ll end up getting something that you would be happy with making your home.

I wouldn’t over think about moving or not moving in future if you end up making a life long commitment to each other, there are just so many factors in that.

LemonTT · 31/01/2021 09:30

The best thing to remember OP is that people split up. It happens when they have been dating, living together, engaged or married. All adults need to be prepared for that both emotionally and financially.

He has made a significant decision to buy a home. That’s an investment and it is a security blanket for him as well. It’s a good decision. But it’s an independent decision that works for him.

The question you need to be asking, independent of his decision, is what are you doing to secure your financial future and housing security. If the answer is invested in what he does, then you are risking an awful lot.

mootymoo · 31/01/2021 09:36

We bought a house recently, I viewed the houses and helped decide just as fully as if I was buying - the long term plan if for me to co own but for a few reasons it's a bit early to commit. I've chosen furniture too and currently planning the kitchen but not paying for it really but brought furniture from my old house. I would let him have the final say but go house hunting with a thought it's your home too

Hazelnutlatteplease · 31/01/2021 09:37

If hes asking your opinion it's ok to be opinionated. Give your opinion as if it was and equal purchase.

Don't expect him to listen to it. Although if he doesn't, I think this tells you a fair amount about the relationship.

Svalberg · 31/01/2021 09:38

A couple of times when I was single I bought a house and asked a friend to come along at the second viewing as another pair of eyes to point out anything I may not have noticed or considered. Maybe view it as this person, in a slightly detached way.

mootymoo · 31/01/2021 09:40

Ps he bought the one I preferred too (he was wondering about smaller (cheaper) houses but I pointed out the space was so much better for our situation (adult children)

IM0GEN · 31/01/2021 13:35

@LemonTT

He has made a significant decision to buy a home. That’s an investment and it is a security blanket for him as well. It’s a good decision. But it’s an independent decision that works for him.

This.

sammylady37 · 31/01/2021 14:27

Oh my. If someone I ‘hadn’t been dating long’ tried to lay down the law about me buying property which I had long planned to do, and started talking about what would have to happen if we married (big assumption there considering the ‘not been dating long’) I guarantee they’d be swiftly dispatched from my life!

Original poster

WhoStoleMyCheese · 31/01/2021 16:36

Thanks for your replies all!
Had a chat with him today. I was worried about sounding pushy - but turns out that his parents had the same opinions as me. Quite a few of the houses on his top list would not have been easy to rent out for instance - as we are young this would make it difficult should we decide to move for our careers.
As living with him will be saving me rent I see no issue with contributing a bit towards the house in terms of repair expenses etc. My plan is to buy a property of my own anyway - once I have been in the U.K. a bit longer as I don’t qualify for most reasonably priced mortgages on my current work visa. I have a decent amount saved for the deposit ... so if we split up I won’t really be affected apart from having to pay full rent for my own place.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhoStoleMyCheese · 31/01/2021 16:51

p.s the reason I was withholding my opinion and posted on here in the first place was precisely the reactions in this thread ... ‘Housezilla’ is a memorable monicker. I don’t know if it is my fault for not expressing my thoughts clearly.

In any case once I said what I thought he agreed that my points were sensible and he hasn’t really thought of it that way. Thanks to everyone who raised good points and gave me the courage to speak up

OP posts:

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