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Original poster

Unmarried Boyfriend Buying House

68 replies

WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 15:07

He is thinking of buying a 3/4 bed house. This was his plan before we got together and would have happened sooner if not for Covid. We have not been dating long and are currently renting a property together (again because of Covid).
How much say should I have in choosing the house?
If we split there would be no issue as he can afford the mortgage etc on his own anyway. And I gain by having lived there for a nominal sum.
But if we do eventually stay together - surely the marital home would be something I have equal say in. And it seems silly to sell the first house and go and get another one when I could have had my say in the first one anyway!

Thoughts?

OP posts:
RealisticSketch · 30/01/2021 16:17

My bf owned a house when I met him, it just came with him, when our lives joined decisions from that point became mutual which in time included selling his house. That's normal, behaving and making decisions now as though you are married/permanent when you're not is jumping the gun.

Fairydustrust · 30/01/2021 16:23

Just tell him it's his choice. Then buy or rent somewhere of your own.

Onthedunes · 30/01/2021 16:32

First there was Bridezilla

Then there was Housezilla.

Cool your jets op, it's making you sound a little greedy.

Original poster
WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:33

@MyGazeboisLeaking
About a year. Families have met each other, commitment wise no issues as he has been nothing but enthusiastic w.r.t to things like getting a house together/joint account etc. Strangely enough we are both neurodiverse and have complimentary traits so have gotten along quite well despite being shut up in the house together all through the lockdown(s).. which I think bodes well for the future.

Regarding this house he definitely takes my opinions into account.
Just being aware that it isn't my house I don't think it is my right to be very opiniated. At the same time I also thought that it would be strange to sell/rent and move in a few years when the only thing that had changed was that we had a firm commitment and I had already been living in the house/had a say.
Looks like several posters here have done it though... so I don't find the idea odd anymore...maybe it is just because both he and I find the whole house-hunting/moving a lot of hassle and stressful and baulk at the idea of having to move another time. I really don't know...

@CagneyNYPD
My ideal timeline would have been dating for at least a year before moving in. Because of the difficulty of seeing each other over COVID we moved into a rented place together 3 months after we started dating. We were friends before anyway.. so not complete strangers.

@FelicityPike this answers my question... thank you!

@PotteringAlong Not a condition - merely a managing of expectations. As you have done it though I do not find moving odd anymore

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:35

@PandaVie typical mumsnet - but there have been some good answers on people's experiences too so it's worth it :grin:

OP posts:
Original poster
WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:38

@RealisticSketch as I mentioned - the answer is obvious when you were not involved in the buying of the first house...

OP posts:
frozendaisy · 30/01/2021 16:41

Live there for a nominal sum see how things go.

But you get no say. On the flip side what if you split up? You will be less upset splitting from a house you had no say in.

Original poster
WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:43

@frozendaisy @Honeyroar good advice..I guess I am overthinking it

OP posts:
Sendingasurprise · 30/01/2021 16:44

If his taste is so different from yours that you foresee having to sell anything he buys...just because you didn't have a say in it.....then maybe you are not as suited as you think.

Caswint · 30/01/2021 16:51

You don't get a say at all. I'd stay out of this. It's his house, that he's wanted to buy, and no matter what he chooses, you get the benefit of reduced living costs.

If he wants your opinion, try to avoid giving it. Instead, ask him what things he thinks are important and does this property offer it.

He's not marrying the house, it's not a lifelong commitment. If you do marry at some point in the future, it can be sold.

C0NNIE · 30/01/2021 16:52

So can I just check I understand ?

You’ve been together a few months ? But you have rented together because of Covid . He now wants to move out and buy his own place. Is that right ?

If so, your options are

  1. You continue to rent where you , he buys his own place and you date.
  1. You buy your own place, he does the same and you date.
  1. You move into his place, under whatever conditions you both agree.

If you do no.3 you need to be very very careful. Remember that you have no legal rights whatsoever. You will not have any until you are on the deeds of the house or married . He can throw you out anytime he wishes.

Rings / being a fiancée / getting pregnant / Facebook status / what he tells his mother etc have no legal meaning.

So I’d think very carefully indeed about

  • giving up a secure tenancy or a good flat
  • doing any work on his house
  • paying for repairs, white goods, furniture etc in his house
  • paying a market rent to live in his house when you have no security
  • doing more than half the house work
  • going part time at work

Personally I’d stay in my flat and see how it works out with him. Renovating a property is time consuming and expensive. You will see a lot less of him as his time and energy will go into the house. That’s not a lot of fun for you and why should you miss out on life for his sake.

I reckon he’s not that serious about a future with you. Or he does see a future together but it’s one where you tag along with what he wants in life. He makes the plans and you follow.

Original poster
WhoStoleMyCheese · 30/01/2021 16:55

Also sorry for the disjointed replies - am on phone and it's not scrolling properly

OP posts:
unbotheredbutbewildered · 30/01/2021 17:11

OP you've only been together a year... and only moved in so fast because of COVID-19. Being locked in a house together and coping during COVID-19 does NOT bode well for the future as you say it does. A COVID-19 relationship and a 'real world' so to speak relationship, are very different. At the most the current situation is an indication you cohabit well. I could cohabit with Kim Jong-un. Doesn't mean I want to marry him!

Would you even still be together without COVID-19? He'd be at work, so would you. You might barely see each other in normal times etc. Honestly, I would slow down.

On your two particular questions:

Is it fair to tell him that if it is only him buying the house - there is a possibility that it will be sold when we decide to marry?
No. You can't say that when you marry that the house 'might be sold.' It's not yours to sell! And you can't put a condition on something that hasn't happened yet - what if he falls in love with it?

And that if he insists on the living situation not changing the only other option is for us to buy the house together?
Not unless you can stump up a deposit that is equal to his/are willing to accept some form of contract stating you own less of the property than him. That's the only way a sane person would agree to that term. Otherwise he's putting himself at serious risk. If someone said that to me and couldn't equal my deposit, I would run faster than Usain Bolt.

I'd also expect you to pay rent if I were you/at least contribute to bills if you're going to move into 'his house.' If you were a man you'd be accused of being a cock-lodger

Honestly, OP. I would chill. You've been dating a year. Real world dating is very different to COVID-19/Co-habbiting.

mindutopia · 30/01/2021 17:13

Unless you are buying it together (you going on the mortgage and deeds), I wouldn't expect to have any say. You can always change things later or move to something else that suits you both.

Dogonahottinroof · 30/01/2021 17:16

Obviously as it is his house. The thing is as my opinion was 'asked' it would seem strange if 3 years later we were to sell it - assuming I was around the whole time all this fixing up was going on!

There is no 'we' would be selling it. He would be- it isnt your house.

Silenceisgolden20 · 30/01/2021 17:17

Can you buy together?

Tier10 · 30/01/2021 17:19

This thread reminds me of a university friend whose boyfriend bought a house. She helped him do it up, when the house was finished he ditched her.

C0NNIE · 30/01/2021 17:45

@Tier10

This thread reminds me of a university friend whose boyfriend bought a house. She helped him do it up, when the house was finished he ditched her.
YY I know of a similar situation. She did all the housework because he was so busy working on “their house “. She paid more of the bills as he was short of money from buying materials for “their house “.

She did overtime at work and spent her bonus on “their house”.

They didn’t go out at weekends or off on holiday because they put all their time and money into “their house “.

Friends advised her against it but she said marriage was only a piece of paper and the fact that they has done so much together on their house showed how serious he was about her. And besides they were just about to get engaged as soon as he could afford a ring Hmm.

Then he dumped her and suddenly it was his house.

At least she got dumped while she still had a job and before she had his baby. Which no doubt would have become “ her baby “ pretty quickly.

Tier10 · 30/01/2021 17:47

That’s exactly the same scenario as my friend. We all told her, be careful it’s not your house, it’s his, but she couldn’t see it.

fallfallfall · 30/01/2021 18:12

Sounds like your getting emotionally invested in what he probably views as a economic investment.
As a gf, your input should be limited to floor plan, layout, location etc. your opinion.
Don’t view this as your future home.

Silenceisgolden20 · 30/01/2021 18:19

And has he talked about marriage? Where are you getting these future plans from?
Until the ring is on your finger, it's all dreams and ideas.
Be careful you don't invest in this house with work and get nothing back.

MyGazeboisLeaking · 30/01/2021 19:02

Thanks for clarifying, OP.

It sounds like you have a great relationship and you talk openly.

I can see why you're asking the questions - if I lived with my partner who was going to buy a house, I'd have them too. Life is a minefield these days!

YoniAndGuy · 30/01/2021 19:51

You haven't been together long.

You could, if you wanted, make it clear to him that if you stay together, you'll expect 1. marriage 2. selling and buying a joint house which you choose too and 3. all of that happening before there's a sniff of babies.

Hesgonesoft · 30/01/2021 23:23

I'm the equivalent of your bf in my life... we've been together 9 months, very happy together, both see long term futures together, just not quite yet.

Despite being long term separated I'm still going through court to finalise finances for my divorce which will be done hopefully in spring. I'll use the proceeds of the marital home sale along with some savings to buy a house of my own, for me and my kids. I can't afford to buy one big enough for him and his kid to move in one day too. It's only been 9 months so give it another 6-9 months for court and FMH sale/me to buy somewhere new and that's about the time I'd want to start having conversations about what future living plans would be... so I'm not sure if I'm supposed to be including him in conversations about the house I will be buying or not? He doesn't have a deposit, I don't have enough money to rent for another year to give us time to work it out, but my kids have been through a lot of moves so I'd like the next move to be a long term one and not then move in with my bf in just another year or so.

Have you actually spoken to your bf? Because maybe he's feeling all the anxiety and confusion that I am about how to handle the situation and what your expectations are? I've put off having that chat until I'm clear on what my ideal outcomes and options are but I do think having that talk is important. I would really like him to be involved as far as the bigger picture goes - for example we work in opposite areas of town which involves one of us crossing a toll bridge when we stay at each other's houses, how do we work around this? What areas work for us both if moving in to this house I buy may one day be an option for him? If he and his kid also move in I'll need more than one bathroom, and probably more lounge space but if they have no plans to then I can look for somewhere with space for me to WFH...

It's a minefield.

TenderTremblingTimes · 30/01/2021 23:41

As others have said be very wary of spending money on his house, in any form, as you have no rights at all as far as it is concerned.

An old boyfriend, wanted me to buy a flat with him, as he couldn’t afford the mortgage by itself.

It was decorated in a man’s style as the current occupant was a single man, and that’s how he wanted to keep it, with the spare room the home gym. There was only one parking space and that would be his, it wasn’t clear where I was supposed to park.

I was OKish about buying a place together, but I had more in mind, a house, garden, shed, and a cat, with parking for two, which I ultimately did get, but not with him.

I bought it myself, and my now husband moved in with me