Is it ok to end your marriage once you get to the stage where you no longer find your spouse sexually attractive?

[SecondStageIgnition]

Just started this thread as it seems an interesting question popped up on a different thread and was risking derailing the existing thread for the OP.
It might be the case that when my DH is about 85, I probably won't find him as sexually attractive as, say, Tom Hardy is now. Assuming I'll still be a raging 80 something nympo ... will it be ok for me to dump DH then so I can shag someone else?

It depends on your priorities.

If sex is your main priority in a relationship then I think it’s acceptable to end the relationship if one of you no longer wants to have sex or one of you no longer find the other person sexually attractive.

Most people, at the age you’ve offered as an example, are in failing health and no longer prioritise sex as they are in a caring/companion role at that point.

You can end a marriage for whatever reason, I suppose

But it would be pretty fucking shit to do it over that.

It seems very hypocritical that the usual MN line to any man having an affair is that he is a piece of shit for breaking his vows (which he absolutely is)
But then there is all sorts of cheerleading for anyone who wants to break the very same vows and bail on a relationship when the sex dips

If you’re a raging nympho and all else about the relationship is good, and the spouse is lovely and perfect save for their sex drive, I would be happily accepting a relationship that ticks most boxes is better than none, and wanking away any sexual frustration

For me sex is more than an orgasm. I love the connection and imtimacy. I love that you can connect as one. I love the feeling of sex of course. But it's not all about cumming.

If DH didnt want sex with me anymore or I didn't find him attractive enough to want to have sex with him then yes I would leave. Also think about why you don't find them attractive anymore. Is it the way they treat you? Is it insecurities in yourself? Is it that they have changed physically?
Work on a marriage before leaving. Always ask why and what can you do a about it.
But if all areas are covered, there's nothing more you can do and you've tried 100% then yes. Leave.

I'd expect the same from DH.

It would be very sad to be dumped just because you've committed the sin of becoming old and are deemed to be unappealing as a sexual partner.
At least you'd then realise what an arsehole you've been married to.

@GappyValley

You can end a marriage for whatever reason, I suppose

But it would be pretty fucking shit to do it over that.

It seems very hypocritical that the usual MN line to any man having an affair is that he is a piece of shit for breaking his vows (which he absolutely is)
But then there is all sorts of cheerleading for anyone who wants to break the very same vows and bail on a relationship when the sex dips

If you’re a raging nympho and all else about the relationship is good, and the spouse is lovely and perfect save for their sex drive, I would be happily accepting a relationship that ticks most boxes is better than none, and wanking away any sexual frustration

I admire your... honesty there in your ultimate and most candid paragraph @GappyValley

It's nothing to do with you not fancying someone because they have got old or changed etc. For some people they are just repulsed by their partner or spouse sexually and if one person isn't sexually fulfilled then that's when problems can occur. My ex become utterly self centred and borderline abusive so no way did I want sex with him. You are making out sexual attraction or lack of is all on a physical level

You are simplifying sexual attraction as purely a physical need but it is so much more than that.
When you reduce it to just the physical act then yes its not the best reason to leave. That said anyone can leave a relationship at any point if they feel it is what they want, better than having an affair.
If, however, you are referring to intimacy instead, in my opinion, whatever form that takes (& everyone is different), it is an essential for a relationship to thrive and without it you should always walk.

So the many men that have left their wives for a younger woman were in the right then?

@anniegun

So the many men that have left their wives for a younger woman were in the right then?

No idea! I don't know if they put 100% into their relationship and got nothing back. They may have done, they may not have!

Would also have to include other reasons such as:

Lack of emotional connection from one or both partners

Leading separate lives

Lack of interest on both sides

One or both acting like they've checked out of the relationship

It's not just about sex. Though a relationship can become sexless for a number of reasons:

Medical (male or female issues)
Lack of libido
Wanting to be celibate

@EpochTime

I cannot fathom all these posts where people say ‘oh we’ve become best friends. He is an amazing parent, good around the house, works hard, looks after himself and us, and we still cuddle but we haven’t had sex in a year and I don’t fancy him’

Surely those other things are the dream for a long term relationship, and sex is the icing on the cake?
And the advice is usually ‘oh that must be would destroying, sounds like the relationship is definitely over so go find someone who can give you passionate sex’, and not ‘you really want to throw away all that, and the stability of your DCs having both parents around, just because you want to get shagged more?’

Surely that’s when you start therapy for why sex is so much more important than all those other things. It’s got to be a borderline sex addiction when you blindly value it above all else
I completely get that it’s frustrating but Jesus, get some toys and then get some perspective about what really matters in life and your children’s lives

It's not either or though. Sex and intimacy should be present in a partner relationship or you may as well marry your lodger

Also wanting sex more than a few times a year is hardly borderline sex addiction good grief

If I was a nympho, that's a compulsive need isn't it? I think it's defined as an uncontrollable urge to have sex. If your husband is in his 80s and no longer wants sex then maybe you can compromise and get a lover. I imagine he'd be glad of the rest OP.

Having been in a sexless relationship, it's soul destroying and I can understand why someone wouldn't want to stay in one. Sex in a loving relationship is about desire and intimacy, and without that, you're just housemates. Which, for some people is absolutely fantastic but for others who need intimacy and have sexual desire, is fucking awful.

I think you’re missing my point.

When 9/10 things in a relationship are great, but the missing thing is sex, you have to really, really want sex to throw that relationship away to go off in search of one that has sex but is unlikely to tick the other 9 boxes

When someone values sex so highly that they can’t live without it despite everything else being great, they surely need to question why they place so much value on sex

Granted an emotionally cold and distant relationship is awful, but one with mutual respect and cuddles but without shagging?
Surely you have a wank and appreciate everything else you’ve got?

I cannot imagine looking my DC in the eyes and saying I’m driving a truck through their lives because mummy needs a few more shags than are currently on offer from their otherwise-perfect dad who they now don’t get to see for most of the week

@wetasstenalady

It's not either or though. Sex and intimacy should be present in a partner relationship or you may as well marry your lodger

I sex does NOT equal a lodger!!! There can be plenty of intimacy and love without sex!! I do wish people would stop wheeling out this one tired line

• No sex

That's a very solipsistic view to have OP. You or the person you are describing, obviously doesn't have sexual needs or a need for intimacy and that's absolutely 100% fine.

However, the other person does have a need for intimacy and also has sexual desire and that's 100% ok as well. People don't get into romantic relationships expecting to have to sort themselves out. They can be single and do that. It's soul destroying to be unable to make love to the person you love and be constantly rejected by them. It feels like a very personal rejection and it lowers self esteem and makes you feel undesirable and unloved.

There are two perspectives here to consider and both are equally valid. Having sex in a romantic relationship is about intimacy, love and sexual desire and, 'having a wank' isn't the same.

@GappyValley

I think you’re missing my point.

When 9/10 things in a relationship are great, but the missing thing is sex, you have to really, really want sex to throw that relationship away to go off in search of one that has sex but is unlikely to tick the other 9 boxes

When someone values sex so highly that they can’t live without it despite everything else being great, they surely need to question why they place so much value on sex

Granted an emotionally cold and distant relationship is awful, but one with mutual respect and cuddles but without shagging?
Surely you have a wank and appreciate everything else you’ve got?

I cannot imagine looking my DC in the eyes and saying I’m driving a truck through their lives because mummy needs a few more shags than are currently on offer from their otherwise-perfect dad who they now don’t get to see for most of the week

I completely agree. Sex is great, but libido shifts downwards for most women with age. There are so many more things that make a great long term (ie 40+ years) relationship than sex!

I agree with @nutsaboutsquirrels, there'd need to be more going on than aging and reduced superficial sexual attraction for most people to end a LTR relationship, Unless one partner really gets the ick for the other, they'll still enjoy the intimacy and emotional connection, and value them as a person, regardless of any saggy bits you both may have.

If the emotional connection goes, though, that would probably spell the end.

@username4214

If I was a nympho, that's a compulsive need isn't it? I think it's defined as an uncontrollable urge to have sex. If your husband is in his 80s and no longer wants sex then maybe you can compromise and get a lover. I imagine he'd be glad of the rest OP.

Having been in a sexless relationship, it's soul destroying and I can understand why someone wouldn't want to stay in one. Sex in a loving relationship is about desire and intimacy, and without that, you're just housemates. Which, for some people is absolutely fantastic but for others who need intimacy and have sexual desire, is fucking awful.

Totally agree. It's soul destroying to be rejected this way. Who gets married to be housemates?

@username4214

That's a very solipsistic view to have OP. You or the person you are describing, obviously doesn't have sexual needs or a need for intimacy and that's absolutely 100% fine.

However, the other person does have a need for intimacy and also has sexual desire and that's 100% ok as well. People don't get into romantic relationships expecting to have to sort themselves out. They can be single and do that. It's soul destroying to be unable to make love to the person you love and be constantly rejected by them. It feels like a very personal rejection and it lowers self esteem and makes you feel undesirable and unloved.

There are two perspectives here to consider and both are equally valid. Having sex in a romantic relationship is about intimacy, love and sexual desire and, 'having a wank' isn't the same.

Correct people don’t go into relationships expecting to sort themselves out Early relationship sex is bonding etc

I’m sure not many people start a relationship thinking the sex can dry up in a few years

Then life happens
Birth injuries happen
Menopause happens
Work stress and mental illness and grief and tiredness and coming to terms with repressed trauma and kids taking up time and space all happen

There are a thousand reasons why a previously sexual person might stop wanting or needing sex, and they don’t all have anything to do with the relationship

So you can either look at all the good things you have with that person that you probably not get again. Or you can value sex above all those things and jack it in

I’m merely questioning whether it is really healthy to place so much value on sex, especially in later life.

I will take a sexless but loving and kind relationship over a passionate but untrusting/financially insecure/selfish one
That doesn’t mean I don’t value sex. It just means I value the bigger picture more

Isn't it fairly common for desire to come and go? So if you go through a phase of not really wanting your partner sexually anymore because you're exhausted from small children/dealing with work stress/menopausal/just in a bit of a rut but don't necessarily recognise the cause at the time wouldn't it be a terrible waste to throw away a relationship that works well in all other respects? If you give it time then the desire may well come back once life in general feels less stressful.

A wank is not the same as a healthy sexual relationship with someone you love though. Not feeling sexually desired by your partner is soul destroying and I cannot blame anyone wanting to act on that. Yes it's harsh to split your family up but if after you've discussed it tried interventions and still living in a sexless marriage then it is absolutely a reason to split

There are quite a large number of men who do this, or have affairs. It depends on what marriage is for you, sex is not the only thing.