Is it ok to end your marriage once you get to the stage where you no longer find your spouse sexually attractive?

[SecondStageIgnition]

Just started this thread as it seems an interesting question popped up on a different thread and was risking derailing the existing thread for the OP.
It might be the case that when my DH is about 85, I probably won't find him as sexually attractive as, say, Tom Hardy is now. Assuming I'll still be a raging 80 something nympo ... will it be ok for me to dump DH then so I can shag someone else?

@wetasstenalady

Do you not think it would be more useful in that situation to have some therapy to try and establish why the person carries so much self worth on how much another person is sexually attracted to them?

There has to be an underlying issue when someone wants to split their family up over sex
Men seem to do it far more often than men, and I can sort of see how society has fed them a line that your success as a human is intrinsically linked to how much sex you’re getting, but it’s not a healthy way to view yourself or the purpose of a relationship, surely

Women do it as well. I left a sexless relationship with my self esteem in tatters and no sexual confidence after being constantly rebuffed and treated like a nuisance. Awful experience.

Sorry, there was a typo
That was supposed to say men do it more often than women

I’m sorry you had an awful experience in that relationship
But was it that it was a bad relationship which meant it was sexless, or a great relationship that happened to be sexless?

In the former, the lack of sex is presumably a canary in the coal mine that things are bad

But the example that OP gives suggests a lovely LTR where old age has rendered one person less attractive, but that it doesn’t mean they are any less attentive in other areas
In that situation, why would you place so much value on sex, or so little value on other aspects of a relationship, to throw it away to get shagged more often?

It was a relationship where I wasn't sexually desired so it was terrible. I remember one time he just flung me away from him when I tried to kiss him. He didn't tell me to go and sort myself out though. So I can see how someone would leave a sexless relationship.

I think if you see sexual desire as 'unhealthy' and easily replaced with masturbation then it's not possible to really understand how upsetting it is to be rejected. To suggest that someone needs therapy because they want to have a sexual relationship with their partner, sounds absolutely fucking bonkers to me.

People aren't leaving a relationship because of sex. They are leaving the relationship because there is no longer sexual intimacy or connection. They no longer feel desired or loved and it's very painful to be constantly rejected. If you want to be celibate that's great but it's unfair to expect someone in a relationship with you to want the same.

It was also suggested upthread that it had nothing to do with the relationship if they wanted sex or not. Of course it does! It's their sex life too.

@username4214. Your awful experience is very different though to an older person no longer having the energy or perhaps even the desire for sex. My Dad, who likes to overshare (😂) has told me that he and my step-Mum aren’t intimate anymore and haven’t been for a few years. He’s on a cocktail of drugs for various health conditions and he just hasn’t got the energy. Obviously neither of them are as attractive as they were 50 years ago either, but that doesn’t stop them having a good relationship. He said that my SM was disappointed when it tailed off, but understood it was just too much for him.
I did say he likes to overshare...I really didn’t need to know this.😂

Ive never said it was unhealthy!

But I think the idea that self esteem is so inextricably linked to how sexually attractive you are is pretty unhealthy

And I think it’s absolutely bonkers to think sex is the most important thing in any relationship to the point a relationship is automatically over if it’s not happening, regardless of how good everything else is and regardless of the reason it’s stopped

I’m going to be the annoying poster who says that if you have a relationship with someone who shares everything with you but doesn’t want to have sex with you and you are young and healthy and so on, it’s kind of cruel to stay together.
Much older relationships and couples will probably head in roughly the same direction (I’d hope a 65 year old wouldn’t be as horny as a 21 year old though to be fair I can imagine me being like that, I’ve wanted sex less often since I’ve had children (I was a very late starter in a way (first (stillborn-full term baby) at 38, seriously disabled but very smart DD at 42). I’ve just got dirtier with time and have more erm interesting sessions- gone from 2/3 times a day pre baby to 2/3 times a week (my husband is 6 years younger than me).
But if I seriously stopped fancying him I’d do us the favour and co-parent. Life is too short to live in ways are leave you sad and crying etc (I have plenty of those) but leaving my personal circumstances aside and contributing to a more general conversation it’s ok to end a relationship for pretty much any reason.
You do t get gold stars for suffering through

No it's not. It was a relationship that I left because it was sexless. It's easy to dismiss other people's experiences and perspectives because they don't fit yours.

There is no point, in my opinion, in trying to convince those who think someone needs therapy because they want to have sex with their partner. Or that having sexual desire is unhealthy and somehow freakish.

If sex was what mattered for a successful marriage, I should have married that guy who resembled a Greek God.

It's not sex or penis in vagina or the mechanical aspect of sex that is most important. It's being desired by your partner, making love to someone you wholeheartedly love, feeling an intimate connection to them that's important. It's the sexual intimacy and connection that's missing.

You don't need therapy because you want an intimate connection with your partner. You're not unhealthy to want to make love. There's nothing wrong with you and there's nothing wrong with leaving a relationship that doesn't have that and co parenting as mates.

@username4214 spot on.
I've been married over 40 years and our exchanges, gentle teasing, compliments that we regularly give each other make it clear that sexual attraction is still there.
Whether or not we always act on it doesn't matter.
He desires me, I desire him.

Agree with Gappy. After 40 years of marriage with presumably grandchildren etc, you'd be happy with the 9/10 and a good genuinely nice man.

We are sexless due to health reasons but we’ll see our old age in together.

So let me get this straight- if one partner no longer wants sex because of a birth Trauma / mental illness, physical illness or having babies / young children, you should Jack that in even you are crazy in love with each other still and have a brilliant marriage in all other respects?
Jeez no wonder so many marriages end in divorce then!

@Quit4me

So let me get this straight- if one partner no longer wants sex because of a birth Trauma / mental illness, physical illness or having babies / young children, you should Jack that in even you are crazy in love with each other still and have a brilliant marriage in all other respects? Jeez no wonder so many marriages end in divorce then!

I wasn't aware that it was a black or white thing. Surely it depends on the couple. You're not answering the OP which is if you're no longer attracted to your partner. That's very, very different to being attracted to them but unable to have sex due to circumstances outside your control.

It's not unreasonable to me to want a sex life. I understand that that's not understandable to the 'I'd rather have a cup of tea' crowd but we're all different. If you want to stay in a celibate relationship, that's up to you. I'd be very upset if my partner was no longer attracted to me.

What if someone underwent a double mastectomy in their 40’s due to breast cancer. Would she understand if her partner left because they weren’t attracted to their scarred body? Or if it happened to a sister/friend? I think it would be an appalling thing to do, tbh. I’d only understand if there were other problems in their relationship.

@GappyValley

I think you’re missing my point.

When 9/10 things in a relationship are great, but the missing thing is sex, you have to really, really want sex to throw that relationship away to go off in search of one that has sex but is unlikely to tick the other 9 boxes

When someone values sex so highly that they can’t live without it despite everything else being great, they surely need to question why they place so much value on sex

Granted an emotionally cold and distant relationship is awful, but one with mutual respect and cuddles but without shagging?
Surely you have a wank and appreciate everything else you’ve got?

I cannot imagine looking my DC in the eyes and saying I’m driving a truck through their lives because mummy needs a few more shags than are currently on offer from their otherwise-perfect dad who they now don’t get to see for most of the week

Your comment just shows that you don't get it . You obviously haven't been there . It's not just sex - it is an intimacy that you don't get from doing the chores together .

Spot on@username4214

I don't think @GappyValley has a clue and hasn't experienced how it makes you feel. Either that or she's imposed a celibate relationship on her other half and will soon be back on here saying 'I can't believe my other half cheated on me'

@SecondStageIgnition

Just started this thread as it seems an interesting question popped up on a different thread and was risking derailing the existing thread for the OP. It might be the case that when my DH is about 85, I probably won't find him as sexually attractive as, say, Tom Hardy is now. Assuming I'll still be a raging 80 something nympo ... will it be ok for me to dump DH then so I can shag someone else?

You lost the argument to start with by using a ridiculous example of being 85.

GSOH is like searching for a needle in a haystack sometimes OP

@username4214

Actually the OP asked what to do if you no longer find your partner sexually attractive

I know DH thought that about me after birth. Possibly other times
He loved me, he probably liked my face, but he didn’t see me as sexual
I doubt that is an unusual thing, it’s probably a useful biological tool tbh

But my self worth is not bundled up with how often he wants to shag me, so I wasn’t crushed by it
and I hope it would have been universally accepted as unreasonable if he used that as grounds to walk out on our otherwise lovely relationship

I know of many friends who have had the same when they hit menopause
The love their husbands, their husbands love them
But when they look at them, they don’t get fanny gallops, they don’t get anything sexual at all

Doesn’t mean they don’t value other nice things about their marriage though

For me, I am only really sexually attracted to people I love so if I stopped finding my partner attractive it would mean bigger things were at play. We don't have sex ATM because of my PTSD (hoping therapy will change this) but we both let each other know we find each other attractive and have sexual contact just not sex. I'm incredibly grateful for his understanding because I often think I'm asking too much of him.

[quote GappyValley]@username4214

Actually the OP asked what to do if you no longer find your partner sexually attractive

I know DH thought that about me after birth. Possibly other times
He loved me, he probably liked my face, but he didn’t see me as sexual
I doubt that is an unusual thing, it’s probably a useful biological tool tbh

But my self worth is not bundled up with how often he wants to shag me, so I wasn’t crushed by it
and I hope it would have been universally accepted as unreasonable if he used that as grounds to walk out on our otherwise lovely relationship

I know of many friends who have had the same when they hit menopause
The love their husbands, their husbands love them
But when they look at them, they don’t get fanny gallops, they don’t get anything sexual at all

Doesn’t mean they don’t value other nice things about their marriage though[/quote]
You're being pedantic.

I'm not going to answer individual cases of sexual problems in people's marriages. I'm not Margery Fucking Proops. If you can't understand that a sex life is important for some people, then there's not much more to say.

I really don’t know where you are getting the idea I think a sex life isn’t important

All I’m suggesting is that in a long term relationship, with lots of positives, it probably shouldn’t be the most important thing, in so far as if everything else is good, a lack of sex shouldn’t be the thing that kills it.

When everything else is good, when you’re kind to each other, have shared goals and values and an intertwined life, you should surely be able to get enough fulfilment from that life to scratch the lack-of-orgasm itch with a bit of DIY, and appreciate the rest

I will reiterate that lack of sex and cuddles and wanting to be close is probably the canary in the coal mine of something going wrong

But I know of several friends who share beds, cuddle and hold hands but don’t make each other come
They are happy, they see their lives as generally pretty good