I have posted previously under a different username last year but situation has changed, or rather I've had my eyes opened more now. Previously I was asking whether behaviour of DH was abusive. Now I know it is (I think, I still have moments of doubt creep in) and am after advice on how to leave.
Some examples of recent behaviour.
- I gave DS (age 1) a crisp/puff thing in the car as he was getting hangry when we were heading out somewhere. DS snatched the tub off me and they went everywhere. I said to DH that I'd better hoover the car when we got back. He sighed and didn't answer me, then when we got home and he saw the crisps everywhere he slammed the car door while holding DS and stormed off huffing and wouldn't speak to me. I said I would go and hoover it but he said I shouldn't have given him all of those crisps, I explained that I had only passed him one but that he snatched the tub off me. He said "well as long as that really is what happened".
- I do all the shopping as DH is incapable. He will have to ring me or send me endless photo messages from shop etc. Anyway last week I was very poorly and had to wait in for a parcel and asked him to pick up some specific sanitary towels from shop. He came back with some tena lady nappy type things. I said to him nicely that they weren't what I was after and he slammed them on the floor and stormed off huffing and would only speak to me in a barely audible voice for ages.
- Last week I was cleaning high chair and DH said he would do it. I said it's okay I've almost finished, and he said it again louder. I laughed and said don't shout and he became very upset and said he has asked me multiple times not to accuse him of shouting and he found it very upsetting that I would do that as he's not a wife beater. I said I was only joking and he said I shouldn't say it even as a joke.
- A few days ago I went shopping and when I got back DS wanted a feed (breastfed) so I left DH to unpack. The next day I noticed he had put something meant to go in the fridge in a cupboard and it had gone off, I made a joke about it and he stormed off saying he can't do anything right anymore and sighing, huffing etc. Then we got in the car and he was driving really erratically and yanking the steering wheel suddenly etc and then said he was stressed and felt like punching someone in the face. He parked in a car park far away from where I needed to be and I politely said that I was not sure how it would work as I was going to put DS in trolley at shop and therefore wouldnt be able to take pushchair as well. That annoyed him and he again drove off in a huff. When we pulled up he started saying I am making him feel lonely and like he is an inconvenience.
There's a lot more but I won't lost every single incident.
I am right aren't I, this isn't on? I've been with this man for half of my life and I have very low self esteem and think I have had my head buried in the sand a bit, but want what's best for DS. I think what woke me up a bit was when DS was rummaging around in the fridge and some cream spilled, my first thought was that DH was going to be annoyed and my heart started racing and I rushed to get something to clean it up before he saw.
What is keeping me here is that we have just signed another six months on our tenancy, and also I can't bear the thought of having split custody of DS and being away from him. I know DH loves DS but he just does the easy bits of parenting, the playing and making DS laugh etc. He spends most of his days on his phone and vaping. I am just not sure how to actually leave, do I tell him or do I just go one day? He is furloughed and has been since the start of this lockdown so obviously it's hard to speak to anyone right now as he's always home. He always tags along for the pushchair walks etc so can't get any time to call anyone. I have started doing a housing application in my sole name without him knowing but obviously it's complicated because I'm liable for half of the rent and bills here.
He's also nice/normal to me 80-90% of the time, and is very convincing to outsiders. I don't think a lot of people would believe how he really is and they say how nice he is, how lucky I am. When I have said to him in the past I feel like I'm treading on eggshells, he says that's how I make him feel, and it makes me doubt myself, maybe I'm the bad one but I don't know why. He is very good at making me feel sorry for him and I worry if I leave he would become suicidal. He always calls me out on my facial expressions or my tone of voice or thinks I'm annoyed when I'm not. He has never been physically violent to me, although when we first met he threatened to slap me and I sometimes wish I'd left then.
Sorry it's long and jumbled, am trying to type rapidly on phone while DS naps. Thanks for reading.